little help please

[confusedandcute]

I've recently accepted my bisexuality and I want to tell my husband before I meet someone. I need some advice on how to let him know. He's not homophobic, but a little jealous. I really want to experience some girl on girl time by myself and I hope he can understand.

Please give me some ideas on how to break the ice or just let me in on your coming out experiences, good or bad.

:) :( :) :(

[SweetAmy]

Hello, My name is Amy. I'm also a married bicurious female. How my story goes is... One night we were in a movie store and my husband wanted to rent a movie --- It was callled: Lost & Delirious. Just your average good movie. I dont know what tempted me too watch it but I did and by the end of the movie I was thinking maybe I should see what it would be like to have a girl-girl relationship. and so my search began....now 4 1/2 years down the road I am still bicurious with no exp but my husband knew by my expressions from watching this movie that I could be curious. He is tottaly supportive. He has NEVER been the jealous type about anything. All I can suggest is to be open and honest and communicate...never hide anything from him. Communication is very important to have a strong healthy loving relationship. Hope everything goes well for you. Keep us all updated.

Amy :)

[Brian]

Hi C&C,

I'm not part of a couple, but I have met several bi couples and bi men who are part of a couple. And most of them have told me that having one basic rule works very well for them... that the person who is bi can have extra-marital same-sex relationships, but that opposite-sex relationships are out, as that would be cheating. Something like that might work for the two of you and rest his fears; once he understands that there won't be other men involved, just women, then that might neautralize any potential jealosy.

Perhaps some of the couples on this site can share their experience with that rule, as I know many of you have that in your relationships.

- Drew :paw:

[arana]

The best thing to do is just sit him down and talk to him. Go over what you want to tell him before hand then do it. He's either going to freak out or take it well. Maybe even a little of both. The biggest thing is communicate and let him be open as well. Ask for his feelings, needs and desires. Afterall, it isn't really just about you is it? You got married to be part of a team and both of you should be in agreement to what makes it work. It's not fair to him to say "I Do" to being faithful and committed then afterwards say "but then there's this other side of me I didn't tell you about".....and expect him to be happy about it. Don't get me wrong, he could be like some and think he's hit the jackpot. In that case it could all work in your favor. Just be open and honest.

Good luck to you,
Arana :tong:

[Mrs.F]

What arana said is right! You need to sit him down and explain your feelings but have all your ducks in a row before you start. I just found out 2 weeks ago or so about my husband being bi. The way I found out is not one I would like for your husband (if he is totally clueless about it). I sat down to use my husband's computer and he had left this website up overnight. I read everything he had written about himself and his experiences on the computer. NOT a way to find something like this out!! I spent the whole weekend crying and really couldn't look at him. I would say I did freak out but I"m learning to deal with it and the more we talk and talk and communicate what each of our feelings are it's getting better, I have bad days and good days that in time I"m praying will heal and I can not be afraid of this. He would totally love it if I were bi also. But I"m not. I'm as straight as a board could be. Maybe your husband will be totally turned on, because it's a woman and not a man that you want to be with. Maybe not. But Please, Please. Tell him yourself and keep that communication line open. There may be lots of questions and you must be prepared to answer them all! I don't know if I was any help to you but I wish you much luck!

Mrs. F

[csrakate]

What arana said is right! You need to sit him down and explain your feelings but have all your ducks in a row before you start. I just found out 2 weeks ago or so about my husband being bi. The way I found out is not one I would like for your husband (if he is totally clueless about it). I sat down to use my husband's computer and he had left this website up overnight. I read everything he had written about himself and his experiences on the computer. NOT a way to find something like this out!! I spent the whole weekend crying and really couldn't look at him. I would say I did freak out but I"m learning to deal with it and the more we talk and talk and communicate what each of our feelings are it's getting better, I have bad days and good days that in time I"m praying will heal and I can not be afraid of this. He would totally love it if I were bi also. But I"m not. I'm as straight as a board could be. Maybe your husband will be totally turned on, because it's a woman and not a man that you want to be with. Maybe not. But Please, Please. Tell him yourself and keep that communication line open. There may be lots of questions and you must be prepared to answer them all! I don't know if I was any help to you but I wish you much luck!

Mrs. F

Mrs. F,
I hope you read my post to you in the coming out survey post....I want you to know that I have been in your shoes but I have a feeling you already know that. And while I am sure this poster respects and is grateful for your response, I do take exception to your remark that perhaps her "husband will be totally turned on, because it's a woman and not a man that you want to be with". That is hardly the issue right now. Her struggle is whether or not to be open and honest with her spouse and to bring the issue of whether or not it is a "turn on" should be the furthest thing from her mind right now and I'm a bit surprised that you would even suggest it having just been through a "difficult" time yourself. It leads me to feel as though perhaps this was suggested to you as well and I hope you realize that you should not have to find it a "turn on" to be able to accept your husband's bisexuality. I guess what I am trying to say is that I find it difficult to believe that these are actually YOUR words...but in reality those of your husband. I just hope that he hasn't possibly suggested that prospect to you right now. That may come in time, but should hardly be expected so early in your discovery. I know for myself, had my husband asked me if I was turned on by the prospect when he told me the truth about himself, I would be offended and hurt that he would consider that response at all. The issue here is how it affects the marriage and the feelings of the spouse who has been kept in the dark about a very important fact about the other.

Just my humble opinion.

Kate

[confusedandcute]

okay, there was no need to snap at Mrs.F, but you're right in the fact that my hubby being turned on is the last thing from my mind. Mostly I'm afraid that he'll feel threatened by it. Leaving him would never be an option for me because he's everything to me and someday if I also meet mrs.right, I hope that everyone can get along.
And I'm pretty sure my husband is not completely in the dark, as I've mentioned numerous times that I want to experience sex with another female, I think mostly the fact that I would also like to experience a relationship with a woman is what he'll be upset about.

Thanks to you all for the input.

[csrakate]

And to clarify....I wasn't snapping at Mrs. F....only concerned that perhaps she had been asked this same question herself. I found it odd that she might suggest as much if she had only recently gone through this herself. Wanted to make sure she wasn't having to grapple with a similar situation. That's all.

Kate

[Mrs.F]

csrakate,
I have read what you wrote and NO, there are no words coming from my husband here. I didn't mean for anyone to take offense or be mad at what I wrote. After I read what you wrote I asked my husband what his thoughts would be if I were bi and wanted to be with a woman. (after all these yrs. of being married and hearing his comments, I just always thought that would be a dream of his). His answer was not what I thought it would be. Maybe he is starting to see my point to how I feel. Although I have never done anything in my past to keep secret like he has. And it doesn't sound like she has either. She is atleast willing to talk to her husband first, help him to understand and deal with it. Your husband was thoughtful and loving enough to tell you before you married and you didn't run away from him. My husband never gave me that chance. I still would not know to this day if I had not found it on the computer. This is where my imagination runs wild. This is where the open communication is soooooooooo important. I think sometimes my husband thinks I'm done talking about it and I"m fine with things and then all of sudden I have a question that has been on my mind all day. I can't stand that he gets an attitude and thinks I should be done with it and going on. Does is it still deeply bother you yet csrakate??? Do you still have problems with it? I get vibes in some of your comments that it may and maybe that's just the way I"m reading it. I"m just so glad that I have someone to talk to that has been through it. I know no one else who has. I'm sorry for the comment. It was uncalled for. She does have more important things to think and talk about.

Mrs. F :bibounce:

[csrakate]

Mrs. F.
Please don't feel the need to apologize to me for anything...it was merely an obervation and one that I couldn't let slide.

I am in a very good place right now but I have also had many years to deal with it. But you are right...you're never done talking about it and you never will be. That is the secret to moving on and healing. If a question comes to mind, you should always be able to ask and receive a response without feeling as though you have violated some sort of trust. He should never...ever...feel that you have "gotten past it"....and should always welcome your fears, questions and comments with an equally open mind.

I hope you realize that my issues with your husband have nothing to do with my wanting the best for you. You deserve total and complete honesty now and forever. And it is my wish that you receive it.

Kate