smokey
May 5, 2007, 9:22 PM
101 Reasons to Masturbate
* It feels good.
* Everybody else is doing it.
* You will become more comfortable with your body.
* You will get a better idea of what pleases you, something you can share with a lover.
* You won't be as irritable at work.
* Morticia Addams. Rawr!
* You can develop control and staying power in a low-stress situation.
* You can discover the many parts of you that are sensitive and excitable without actually being genitals.
* You're trying to quit smoking and you gotta do something with your hands.
* Congressional filibusters are so damn boring.
* You feel the need to tap off excess fluid on occasion to keep your body running at optimal efficiency.
* You're going for the world land-speed masturbation record and the cameras are waiting.
* You want to have sex with a relative but you fear social ostracism and genetic horrors.
* Look at this body! Who wouldn't want to touch it?
* It's safe sex, as long as you watch your aim.
* Christina Ricci's on Ally McBeal.
* Can't sleep.
* Nothing good on tv.
* Spider-Man was sold out.
* Just wanted to make sure everything still worked, you know?
* Next conjugal visit still a week away.
* Because everytime I do, an angel spasms.
* Exercises the wrist and reduces the chance for carpal tunnel syndrome. It must, because I type a lot and I've never gotten it.
* Long wait at the doctor's office, and all the magazines are out of date.
* Would you ask Pavarotti not to sing? Baryshnikov not to dance?
* Really, really difficult to get pregnant when you're the only one there.
* Not too easy to get pregnant even if you're in company, if you're careful.
* You can stay a virgin for years without getting twitchy.
* It helps to maintain good pelvic blood flow and strong PC muscles.
* Big money-saver on dinner and alcohol.
* It reduces menstrual cramps.
* Men who stimulate their prostate glands during masturbation reduce their incidence of prostate infections.
* It stimulates your creativity and enriches your fantasy life.
* You're asserting your independence!
* You don't have to depend on a man for your orgasms (unless you're a guy, of course).
* You can get it anytime you want, man.
* You can do anything you want without having to explain it to a bewildered partner.
* You're helping to establish the philosophy that sex is good in, by, and for itself; and that there is nothing whatever wrong about experiencing it as a fine thing in its own right.
* Show me a guy with three speeds that knows exactly where and when to go.
* You rarely have to use roofies to get sex.
* It's cheaper than Zoloft.
* Masturbation results in remarkably few abortions.
* The love of your life is currently unavailable
* The love of your life is currently available, but isn't interested right now.
* The love of your life is currently available, but likes watching me.
* It releases endorphins into the bloodstreams, and that's good, I think.
* Eases the strain and anxiety of long traffic jams.
* Reduces the need to ask for sex during times when it might be inconvenient or unwanted, like when she's in labor.
* It keeps you from hitting all the people who really need hitting.
* Because you always call the next day.
* No scrambling for birth control.
* Better than nagging her for sex, and she might join in.
* Easier to get into a meditative state than chanting, I'll tell you that.
* You'll be able to grip your golf club with more confidence.
* You can join the Mile High Club without trying to cram two people in that little bathroom.
* My parents encouraged it to ensure that I grew up with a healthy perspective towards my own sexuality, even to the point of charting my progress and having me do it in front of family gatherings.
* In 1972 the American Medical Association declared masturbation a normal sexual activity, and I'm celebrating.
* It really bugs a lot of the Religious Right, and so I'm striking a blow for freedom. As it were.
* You can take all the time you need.
* Futurama was canceled.
* I'm doing my part as an American to keep the sex toy economy thriving.
* When out in the woods, alone and in tune with nature, it's a magical thing to spooge all over the environment and truly become one.
* Because the son of a bitch popped and went to sleep on you.
* Because you really, really like escalators.
* Gotta do something until bail arrives and you don't have a harmonica.
* Your next-door neighbor has been watching you through the window, and you think it's time to take the relationship to the next level.
* Keeping one hand under the table at all times is a valuable defensive pose, probably.
* Helps improve your backhand.
* Because you can't reach with my mouth.
* You paid for your dinner and the movie, so you're probably required to.
* Just won Best Actress.
* You're watching an adult movie, and there is an implied contract between you and the movie's distributors.
* To glorify God and His creations.
* Don't have to count days first.
* Performance art.
* Because it makes your web site membership spike every time you do it.
* Flipping burgers only takes one hand, so…
* Because no one else is good enough for you. YouI barely qualify.
* The cast came off today.
* It's non-carcinogenic, non-fattening, and low in sodium.
* Did you know you can take Barbie's clothes right off?
* Because you are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and you suspect that happiness just ducked into your pants.
* Couldn't think of anything else to use in your valedictorian speech.
* SxyGrrl69@hotmail.com told you to.
* Doesn't require equipment (although there's quite a large industry ready to supply you if you want some).
* Downtime between spacewalks.
* Did too many Hail Marys, have to even it out.
* Tom Welling took off his shirt on Smallville last night.
* Because this isn't just a casual fling - you really love yourself.
* It was integral to the plot.
* You've got a lot of love to give.
* Is it just me, or are mannequins getting hotter every year?
* Needed new material for your "Best Of" DVD.
* Helps keep me warm on cold nights.
* It's what the "pause" button was invented for.
* Just got the Swamp Thing DVD with extended Adrienne Barbeau swamp bath scene.
* It would be rude not to show your appreciation for the strippers, it's like belching to compliment the chef.
* Because if there's one thing porn has taught us, it's that women inexplicably go nuts when a potbellied guy jerks off on them.
* You've heard that if you don't use parts of your body they atrophy and drop off, and that's scary.
* It's part of your low-impact aerobic full-body workout. 10 reps, pause, repeat as needed.
* Bought one too many cucumbers for dinner, and wasting is a sin.
* Because (drum roll) it's there.
* It feels good.
* Everybody else is doing it.
* You will become more comfortable with your body.
* You will get a better idea of what pleases you, something you can share with a lover.
* You won't be as irritable at work.
* Morticia Addams. Rawr!
* You can develop control and staying power in a low-stress situation.
* You can discover the many parts of you that are sensitive and excitable without actually being genitals.
* You're trying to quit smoking and you gotta do something with your hands.
* Congressional filibusters are so damn boring.
* You feel the need to tap off excess fluid on occasion to keep your body running at optimal efficiency.
* You're going for the world land-speed masturbation record and the cameras are waiting.
* You want to have sex with a relative but you fear social ostracism and genetic horrors.
* Look at this body! Who wouldn't want to touch it?
* It's safe sex, as long as you watch your aim.
* Christina Ricci's on Ally McBeal.
* Can't sleep.
* Nothing good on tv.
* Spider-Man was sold out.
* Just wanted to make sure everything still worked, you know?
* Next conjugal visit still a week away.
* Because everytime I do, an angel spasms.
* Exercises the wrist and reduces the chance for carpal tunnel syndrome. It must, because I type a lot and I've never gotten it.
* Long wait at the doctor's office, and all the magazines are out of date.
* Would you ask Pavarotti not to sing? Baryshnikov not to dance?
* Really, really difficult to get pregnant when you're the only one there.
* Not too easy to get pregnant even if you're in company, if you're careful.
* You can stay a virgin for years without getting twitchy.
* It helps to maintain good pelvic blood flow and strong PC muscles.
* Big money-saver on dinner and alcohol.
* It reduces menstrual cramps.
* Men who stimulate their prostate glands during masturbation reduce their incidence of prostate infections.
* It stimulates your creativity and enriches your fantasy life.
* You're asserting your independence!
* You don't have to depend on a man for your orgasms (unless you're a guy, of course).
* You can get it anytime you want, man.
* You can do anything you want without having to explain it to a bewildered partner.
* You're helping to establish the philosophy that sex is good in, by, and for itself; and that there is nothing whatever wrong about experiencing it as a fine thing in its own right.
* Show me a guy with three speeds that knows exactly where and when to go.
* You rarely have to use roofies to get sex.
* It's cheaper than Zoloft.
* Masturbation results in remarkably few abortions.
* The love of your life is currently unavailable
* The love of your life is currently available, but isn't interested right now.
* The love of your life is currently available, but likes watching me.
* It releases endorphins into the bloodstreams, and that's good, I think.
* Eases the strain and anxiety of long traffic jams.
* Reduces the need to ask for sex during times when it might be inconvenient or unwanted, like when she's in labor.
* It keeps you from hitting all the people who really need hitting.
* Because you always call the next day.
* No scrambling for birth control.
* Better than nagging her for sex, and she might join in.
* Easier to get into a meditative state than chanting, I'll tell you that.
* You'll be able to grip your golf club with more confidence.
* You can join the Mile High Club without trying to cram two people in that little bathroom.
* My parents encouraged it to ensure that I grew up with a healthy perspective towards my own sexuality, even to the point of charting my progress and having me do it in front of family gatherings.
* In 1972 the American Medical Association declared masturbation a normal sexual activity, and I'm celebrating.
* It really bugs a lot of the Religious Right, and so I'm striking a blow for freedom. As it were.
* You can take all the time you need.
* Futurama was canceled.
* I'm doing my part as an American to keep the sex toy economy thriving.
* When out in the woods, alone and in tune with nature, it's a magical thing to spooge all over the environment and truly become one.
* Because the son of a bitch popped and went to sleep on you.
* Because you really, really like escalators.
* Gotta do something until bail arrives and you don't have a harmonica.
* Your next-door neighbor has been watching you through the window, and you think it's time to take the relationship to the next level.
* Keeping one hand under the table at all times is a valuable defensive pose, probably.
* Helps improve your backhand.
* Because you can't reach with my mouth.
* You paid for your dinner and the movie, so you're probably required to.
* Just won Best Actress.
* You're watching an adult movie, and there is an implied contract between you and the movie's distributors.
* To glorify God and His creations.
* Don't have to count days first.
* Performance art.
* Because it makes your web site membership spike every time you do it.
* Flipping burgers only takes one hand, so…
* Because no one else is good enough for you. YouI barely qualify.
* The cast came off today.
* It's non-carcinogenic, non-fattening, and low in sodium.
* Did you know you can take Barbie's clothes right off?
* Because you are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and you suspect that happiness just ducked into your pants.
* Couldn't think of anything else to use in your valedictorian speech.
* SxyGrrl69@hotmail.com told you to.
* Doesn't require equipment (although there's quite a large industry ready to supply you if you want some).
* Downtime between spacewalks.
* Did too many Hail Marys, have to even it out.
* Tom Welling took off his shirt on Smallville last night.
* Because this isn't just a casual fling - you really love yourself.
* It was integral to the plot.
* You've got a lot of love to give.
* Is it just me, or are mannequins getting hotter every year?
* Needed new material for your "Best Of" DVD.
* Helps keep me warm on cold nights.
* It's what the "pause" button was invented for.
* Just got the Swamp Thing DVD with extended Adrienne Barbeau swamp bath scene.
* It would be rude not to show your appreciation for the strippers, it's like belching to compliment the chef.
* Because if there's one thing porn has taught us, it's that women inexplicably go nuts when a potbellied guy jerks off on them.
* You've heard that if you don't use parts of your body they atrophy and drop off, and that's scary.
* It's part of your low-impact aerobic full-body workout. 10 reps, pause, repeat as needed.
* Bought one too many cucumbers for dinner, and wasting is a sin.
* Because (drum roll) it's there.