Communication Question

[Herbwoman39]

I need some opinions and help trying to decipher what's going on. The woman I've been talking to for months told me last night that if I wanted to start dating other women that it was alright with her because she didn't know if she could ever be "out" the way I am.

So I asked her if she wanted to stop seeing me. She said "no".

I know she's scared but what IS all this? She wants to see me but she doesn't know if she's ever going to be ready to be intimate. I'm not in any rush, myself. It's just frustrating because it's almost like she's unintentionally playing "C'mer c'mere c'mere, get away, get away, get away".

Maybe there *is* nothing for me to do other than continue to be patient but I could really use some advice because I just can't figure this out.

[DiamondDog]

Is she married?

If she's with someone besides you, do they know that she's bi or lesbian, or that she's seeing you?

She might be getting cold feet about this or be reconsidering the idea that she even wants sex or a relationship with a woman.

Personally, if this were me I'd find someone that doesn't seem so flaky and indecisive about having a date or wanting a relationship or friendship.

Anyway, you're allowed to do this since it's not like you're in a closed/exclusive relationship with this woman.

She could be saying how she doesn't want a relationship and just wants sex, or doesn't want to have a relationship or sex with a woman just yet. But I have no idea since I'm not her.

Have you talked to her and asked her if she wants a relationship with you or why she feels like she can't ever be out?

[anne27]

There's a term I've heard used in other things, but I think it fits for some bisexuals-"armchair" bisexuals. It means that while they enjoy the thoughts, fantasies, and ideas of being with someone of the same sex, they'd rather not get 'their hands dirty', so to speak, and do the actual deed.
There are an awful lot of people out there who are curious but will never satisify that curiosity, whether it be for moral, religious, or relationship reasons, or maybe just plain fear of the unknown.

I'm just tossing this out, may not pertain to your gal at all, but it came to mind.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[deletetacount123]

There's a term I've heard used in other things, but I think it fits for some bisexuals-"armchair" bisexuals. It means that while they enjoy the thoughts, fantasies, and ideas of being with someone of the same sex, they'd rather not get 'their hands dirty', so to speak, and do the actual deed.
There are an awful lot of people out there who are curious but will never satisify that curiosity, whether it be for moral, religious, or relationship reasons, or maybe just plain fear of the unknown.

I'm just tossing this out, may not pertain to your gal at all, but it came to mind.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Thats true...

My cousin admitted she'll love the caring arms of a woman around her and thinks they are great to be with. She thinks of it, wonders about it but doesn't really want to do anything. She likes the thought and thinks about it but thats it.

My friend Andrea admitted being bicurious back in highschool... she could tell when a girl was very attractive and would get feelings... she tried to carry out the fantasy once but in the end she learned she was much into men and soon forgot about her bicurious side.
She said these days, she can still tell if a girl is attractive but it ends there no more other thoughts.

[Solomon]

truthfully, i think it's important for you to focus on what are your expectations of the relationship and is she able to work within your expectations?

i find it's always the hardest question to answer within any relationship... but it's also the one that's the most worthwhile asking

[deletetacount123]

Maybe ask her to just be honest with you?
Maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or doesn't know what she wants.

Tell her to be straight up honest, even if you may not like the answer... what does she want?

Tasha

[CountryLover]

Is she married?

Personally, if this were me I'd find someone that doesn't seem so flaky and indecisive about having a date or wanting a relationship or friendship.

Anyway, you're allowed to do this since it's not like you're in a closed/exclusive relationship with this woman.




DiamondDog makes a lot of sense here. It's been my experience as a bi active woman the past 12 years that there are a lot of "flakes" out there. The ones who fantasize and titilate, but don't have the nerve to act upon their desires. They can either make you crazy or break your heart. Like DiamondDog - personally I run, not walk, the other direction from these type of people.

As for asking her to be straightforward honest with you, she simply may not be able to do that. If she doesn't know her own mind, or doesn't have the courage to act upon her words to you, she may not be able to express that even to herself.

The girlfriend whom I was intimate with before my marriage is going through a string of women like this. She and I are still very close friends, just not sexual with each other any more. So, she talks over each new prospect with me as she tries to find a new female lover. The shenanigans she has to put up with are just incredible...you described it perfectly Herbwoman, c'mere, go away, c'mere, go away!

I'm sorry if I was harsh in my other comments about your concerns with this woman. 50 years old, and I'm still learning lessons in being tactful! :rolleyes:

[biwords]

People who play "come here, go away, come here" often don't mean to be cruel, but they are. Have nothing to do with them if you value your sanity. Not until they've given unmistakable proof of having got past all that. You're a fine person, herb, don't settle for anyone who doesn't treat you very, very well.

[BreeIsMe]

Actually, I don't think she is necessarily "playing" with you. She is obviously undecided and probably has pressures that she feels to "conform" from friends, family, etc.
I can identify with perhaps what she is going through. She may very much want to be with your sexually and otherwise but is dealing with these "desires" as repressed feelings that she has not been "allowed" to feel by her background, family, etc. Is she religiouis (or is her family religioius), is her job (does she work?) subject to change if she were "out" How about her other friends. Would they redicule her if they knew?
Sometimes, when one is considering a relationship that would be "out of the hetero nromality" then it can have significant and sometime drastic consequences with the rest of their life, a life that they would prefer to keep.
Its hard to make what seems like a "simple" choice if it would completely "destroy" the rest of your life as you know it.


Having said all that, why don't you ask her WHY she couldn't come out as you have? perhaps therein lies the answer.

Bree

[jaglvr]

In the heterosexual "world" there is an established chain of events in a persons sexual development and emotional development. We are all familiar with most of this, like first date, first kiss, first fight, etc...and the responses expected of you, your partner, your parents, whatever. In the homosexual and bisexual world it isn't so plainly established. I routinely see 50 year olds that have only just come to terms with being gay or bi. We expect impetuousness and naivete in a teenager, some recklessness from twenty somethings and more settled temperament in your thirties (all as an example) but in this community there is not an established norm of development. It is very likely that you are at very different stages of emotional development and sexual development even though you may be at similar stages of life otherwise. For me, my partner needs to be about where I am in development. I don't run with eighteen year olds of either gender because they aren't mature enough for me. I have run into gay 30 year olds that act like they are sixteen and are afraid of real relationships, of being open, etc... If you choose to be patient and help her develop to your level then that is also an option. But I wouldn't chalk it up to a deliberate "come hither" game. On the other hand, I also wouldn't put up with the back and forth because I have better things to do than ride another roller coaster.

[Vuarra]

I think she's testing you to see what kind of relationship you're looking for.

She wants to know your flakiness level, what you'll tolerate from her, etc...

It has nothing to do with being bi and everything to do with having ovaries... and it's a time saving test as well... Str8 women do this all the time, and don't even know it.

[teamnoir]

She sounds like a real indecisive person and like someone who I wouldn't want to be involved with for a relationship.

I think she's basically telling you "Find someone else because I don't want the same type of relationship that you want from me."

I don't think that it's a misogynistic thing like Vuarra said in his misogynistic post.

I know TONS of gay and bi men who are indecisive like the person that Herbwoman is describing.

[BreeIsMe]

Excuse me?

Everytime a woman has conflicts and cannot make up her mind, its because she has ovaries??? and it's because she is "testing" the men in her life???
And women do this ALL THE TIME (and don't know it)

unless you have something constructive to say, I would just keep your thoughts to yourself..


Bree


I think she's testing you to see what kind of relationship you're looking for.

She wants to know your flakiness level, what you'll tolerate from her, etc...

It has nothing to do with being bi and everything to do with having ovaries... and it's a time saving test as well... Str8 women do this all the time, and don't even know it.

[Solomon]

personally i like how John Gray describes it as having to do with women for most part processing (thinking) information verbally and so talking for women isn't normally about looking for solutions

men normally tend to process internally, and normally will talk in terms of solutions

thus to a guy, women would seem to be indecisive, and to a woman, guys would seem to be obnoxious lol.....

and it's not an ovaries thing.... it's a brain thing lol

[Herbwoman39]

Okay now we're going to add another level of complication to this enigma.

Hubby and I spent the weekend at Disney in Orlando. While we were having fun in the House of the Mouse she texted me and told me that she came out to her mother last night AND she told her mother about me (including age difference and being married to hubby).

According to her, Mom was very supportive. So now it sounds like she might be getting a bit more serious.

Thoughts?

[tekista]

Herb, I'm kinda new at this bi-sexual stuff as it has only been the last couple of years and a very helpful bi-sexual husband that I have felt the courage to persue this new facet in my life. But experience has taught me one thing and that is that no matter what type of relationship you are in ... be it bi, hetro, homo ... friend or lover ... they are all based on the same premis and that is trust. Trust in the knowledge that no matter what her choice may be, anything worth having can't be rushed and if in the end an intimate relationship doesn't happen you can trust in the knowledge that not only have you made an exceptional friend but you have become wiser and a different, if not better, person because of it. I know, sounds awfully profound and maybe just a tad sappy but in the large scheme of things, and my opinion which really doesn't count, the more we gain from others the better people we become.

Give her time to evaluate this new facet in her life and become accustomed to the fact that she no longer has to hide her desires and feelings from those she loves and chances are she will come to you willingly and care for you all the more for allowing her that time.

And to the wing nut with the ovary comment :rolleyes: (I know we're not supposed to flame the person and I appologise for this but it has to be said), I am very much a woman but unfortunately no longer have the pleasure of owning a set of ovaries and I gotta tell ya ... there are things and times in my life where I find myself quite indecisive and I'm very proud of that fact too cuz I know that when I finally do make a decision it is usually the right one. And news flash ... there isn't a single man with or without balls that is any different.

Sorry for being so long winded guys and I sure do look forward to becoming a part of this community. Looks great!!!!

;) Tekista :bigrin:

[anne27]

Okay now we're going to add another level of complication to this enigma.

Hubby and I spent the weekend at Disney in Orlando. While we were having fun in the House of the Mouse she texted me and told me that she came out to her mother last night AND she told her mother about me (including age difference and being married to hubby).

According to her, Mom was very supportive. So now it sounds like she might be getting a bit more serious.

Thoughts?

Whoa, that's a HUGE step! :bigrin:

Maybe she's beginning to sort things out in her head. I would take that as a very positive sign, hon!

[Herbwoman39]

I remember what it's like to be where she is, that's why I've been so patient. I've come to the conclusion that even if nothing *does* happen, I've got a great friend.

Thanks everybody :)