halfsies
May 2, 2007, 10:49 PM
Serious problem folks... it's doing my bloody head in. For the past... ooooh, say.... three years i've been crazy, throw-myself-in-front-of-a-car-if-i-thought-it'd-up-my-chances, head over heels in love with my best friend (of all people!) and i'm literally at the end of my rope! Now get comfortable people coz you're in for a bit of a tale...
Right, all started 3 years ago when she breezed into the place i was working. Instantly attracted to her, but she had a kid and a boyfriend so i said "right, no-go area, get over it, it's just a crush". Fair enough. So anyway, i tried and was doin really well actually. We'd become great friends in a short space of time and i started to see her as "just a mate". Now, about six months r so after first meeting we had a night out. Cut a long story short(er), i was on the dancefloor (pretty drunk) and i was just after hookin up wit a bloke in the club, so i drift off and im dancing on my own, next thing i no, she's made a beeline for me and just wears the face off me (no warning or anything!) Laughed it off there and then. bout 20 mins later im in the toilet, she comes in, tells me about a night she spent wit a female friend a couple of years prior and tells me she wanted to kiss me again. So i kissed her.
Next day, it's passed off as a drunken thing and we agree 2 forget about it. HOWEVER, that was easier said than done on my part. For months i was totally awkward with her, unreasonably awkward... flinching if she brushed off me or tensing up if she hugged me... but it was only coz i was sooooo bloody confused about the situation. I mean, yes, i was interested but thinkin there was no chance i didnt let out any telltale signs and still SHE made the first move. Anyway, wen i got awkward she got paranoid and wen she got a few drinks in her she'd say " i know you think im a lesbian, im not" to which i'd reply "i dont think u r, blah blah"
eventuallly, it all cooled down, i got comfortable havin her as a mate again, no problems. UNTIL, about 3 or 4 months after the kiss, one night in the pub (we drink a lot) she brings it up again. Exact words - "I'm sorry i kissed you. No actually i'm not sorry i kissed you, i'm attracted to you and i can't help it, i dont know what it is. I'm not a lesbian or anything!" said while she strokes my leg under the table. Excited as i was at this (not the leg stroking, im not a horndog), fear took over once again and i laughed it off telling her to stop messing. Stupid i know. should've taken the chance but hey, shoulda coulda woulda y'no
Over the last year r so i've noticed that if im flirtin with someone or vice versa her mood changes. Shes usually really chatty, life of the party kinda person and as soon as i start chattin to someone, i'll catch her glancing over with narrowed eyes and she goes quiet, listening to every word thats being said. Recently met her cousin for the first time, he liked me, i liked him yet she won't arrange it (which is pretty much what mates do 4 cousins and friends innit?) This is whats makin me think she might be still... even a little bit... interested. Yet nothings happened in about 2 years. there'd be the odd conversation where if i'd read between the lines i'd get my hopes up but is this just wishful thinking!? While i was falling asleep one night, she was talking away to me and totally unprovoked says something like " I don't think someone can be bisexual, i think you're either one way or the other and thats that" I disagreed but didnt argue the point coz as i said, i was falling asleep. i've never told her i'm bi, i didnt want to complicate things, but i reckon she knows.
All this time, she's been going out with an absolute knob-end. A total control freak and a wannabe gangster, he's cheated on her and lies to her about EVERYthing... she's forever catching him out on his lies and still takes him back (she's low self esteem!) I've made no secret of how i feel about him (dickhead!) and have actually had to be held back from killin him when he started on her on her own birthday. Now she's moving in with him, sayin she wont be out as much coz she has to pay the rent n dat. I can't stand to be in the same room as him so i figure i'm pretty much never gonna see her as soon as this happens!
So basically, my problem is what the hell do i do? I've been thinkin for the last month about just ending the friendship, it would absolutely kill me tho, she's the first person i think about wen i wake up, i spend all day thinkin bout her and at night i concentrate really hard on thinking about her so as theres a better chance i'll dream about her. It's not healthy! I think theres a very good possibility that if i continue like this i'll end up in a straight-jacket (or even a semi-straight jacket which'd fit better :tongue: )
I know this is more of an essay than a thread but i've bottled this up 4 three years now and i just had to get it all out. What the hell should i do, if anything at all. Do i just cut my ties and lose the reason i get up in the morning. I certainly can't make a move coz i dont wanna risk losing her like that... i'd rather just cite irreconcilable differences and break free. then again, it's not an option... i'm just as crazy about her kid. I wanna know what you people would do in my situation coz i cant deal with this on my own anymore... i really can't.
Right, all started 3 years ago when she breezed into the place i was working. Instantly attracted to her, but she had a kid and a boyfriend so i said "right, no-go area, get over it, it's just a crush". Fair enough. So anyway, i tried and was doin really well actually. We'd become great friends in a short space of time and i started to see her as "just a mate". Now, about six months r so after first meeting we had a night out. Cut a long story short(er), i was on the dancefloor (pretty drunk) and i was just after hookin up wit a bloke in the club, so i drift off and im dancing on my own, next thing i no, she's made a beeline for me and just wears the face off me (no warning or anything!) Laughed it off there and then. bout 20 mins later im in the toilet, she comes in, tells me about a night she spent wit a female friend a couple of years prior and tells me she wanted to kiss me again. So i kissed her.
Next day, it's passed off as a drunken thing and we agree 2 forget about it. HOWEVER, that was easier said than done on my part. For months i was totally awkward with her, unreasonably awkward... flinching if she brushed off me or tensing up if she hugged me... but it was only coz i was sooooo bloody confused about the situation. I mean, yes, i was interested but thinkin there was no chance i didnt let out any telltale signs and still SHE made the first move. Anyway, wen i got awkward she got paranoid and wen she got a few drinks in her she'd say " i know you think im a lesbian, im not" to which i'd reply "i dont think u r, blah blah"
eventuallly, it all cooled down, i got comfortable havin her as a mate again, no problems. UNTIL, about 3 or 4 months after the kiss, one night in the pub (we drink a lot) she brings it up again. Exact words - "I'm sorry i kissed you. No actually i'm not sorry i kissed you, i'm attracted to you and i can't help it, i dont know what it is. I'm not a lesbian or anything!" said while she strokes my leg under the table. Excited as i was at this (not the leg stroking, im not a horndog), fear took over once again and i laughed it off telling her to stop messing. Stupid i know. should've taken the chance but hey, shoulda coulda woulda y'no
Over the last year r so i've noticed that if im flirtin with someone or vice versa her mood changes. Shes usually really chatty, life of the party kinda person and as soon as i start chattin to someone, i'll catch her glancing over with narrowed eyes and she goes quiet, listening to every word thats being said. Recently met her cousin for the first time, he liked me, i liked him yet she won't arrange it (which is pretty much what mates do 4 cousins and friends innit?) This is whats makin me think she might be still... even a little bit... interested. Yet nothings happened in about 2 years. there'd be the odd conversation where if i'd read between the lines i'd get my hopes up but is this just wishful thinking!? While i was falling asleep one night, she was talking away to me and totally unprovoked says something like " I don't think someone can be bisexual, i think you're either one way or the other and thats that" I disagreed but didnt argue the point coz as i said, i was falling asleep. i've never told her i'm bi, i didnt want to complicate things, but i reckon she knows.
All this time, she's been going out with an absolute knob-end. A total control freak and a wannabe gangster, he's cheated on her and lies to her about EVERYthing... she's forever catching him out on his lies and still takes him back (she's low self esteem!) I've made no secret of how i feel about him (dickhead!) and have actually had to be held back from killin him when he started on her on her own birthday. Now she's moving in with him, sayin she wont be out as much coz she has to pay the rent n dat. I can't stand to be in the same room as him so i figure i'm pretty much never gonna see her as soon as this happens!
So basically, my problem is what the hell do i do? I've been thinkin for the last month about just ending the friendship, it would absolutely kill me tho, she's the first person i think about wen i wake up, i spend all day thinkin bout her and at night i concentrate really hard on thinking about her so as theres a better chance i'll dream about her. It's not healthy! I think theres a very good possibility that if i continue like this i'll end up in a straight-jacket (or even a semi-straight jacket which'd fit better :tongue: )
I know this is more of an essay than a thread but i've bottled this up 4 three years now and i just had to get it all out. What the hell should i do, if anything at all. Do i just cut my ties and lose the reason i get up in the morning. I certainly can't make a move coz i dont wanna risk losing her like that... i'd rather just cite irreconcilable differences and break free. then again, it's not an option... i'm just as crazy about her kid. I wanna know what you people would do in my situation coz i cant deal with this on my own anymore... i really can't.