regrets??

[TxGuy]

Anyone ever have any regrets about not telling members of your family that you were bi, gay, ect...? Then those members of your family eventually die not knowing the truth. If so, did this bother you?

This is something that I've been pondering the last couple days about my grandparents.

A little background for you: I was raised by my grandparents, as my mother and father both died before I can remember. so grandparents pretty much = parents. Also, their the heads of the family in just about every way imaginable. Every thing in my family ends with them eventually, that's just the way it is. So if I tell anyone in my family I'm bi, it'll get back to them. Did I mention that their also ultra-conservative and highly religous folk? In the past they've actually said the words "we'll disown you if you were gay", and I don't think telling them I'm bi will soften the blow. It's definitly in my best interest to keep the truth from them so I've pretty much decided that I'm gonna let them die believing whatever they want.

So....anyone else ever let a family member pass away believing a lie? How did this make you feel afterwards?

[flexuality]

Personally I don't think that not talking about one's sexuality is lying....it's just not talking about it.

[TxGuy]

Personally I don't think that not talking about one's sexuality is lying....it's just not talking about it.

well that's one way of looking at it i suppose. lets just say i don't see it that way with everyone in my family.

[deletetacount123]

I believe in the paranormal....

Just because thier bodies aren't around anymore doesn't mean thier spirits aren't.

I think as spirts, you JUST KNOW things.
They WILL know everything about you all of a sudden including things you probably didn't tell them or didn't want them to know.

[chook]

I look at it this way.....your sexuality is nobody's business but your own and personally I have no regrets whatsoever by keeping to myself....not even my best friends know about my sexuality only my wife and thats because she came out to me first otherwise she wouldnt know either. To me its no big deal, if I want people to know they will know from me and not second hand. So TX if you think it will hurt your grandparents to know, then its best to keep the cat in the bag...............Just my :2cents:


Cheers Chook :bigrin:

[DiamondDog]

They're your family, they'll love you and accept you no matter what, why not tell if you want to?

I'm out to both my parents, my aunt and uncle, and other relatives and friends.

[darkeyes]

Sometimes hun we have to do what we believe best to save inflicting pain and risking estangement from those we love. Thats why so many of us are still in the closet.. its a tragedy in this day and age, and will continue to be for so many for a long timet to come until we are accepted for what we are by society as a whole.

I understand precisely your dilemma, and while I am openly bi I did have a slight problem with my mothers mother when I came out. We had never been particularly close, and that remained so right up till her death, but I knew she would blame not only me for being preverted, but my parents for not clamping down and making sure I walked the straight and narrow.. and I love my mum and knew she was close to her mother. The last thing I wanted was for there to be trouble between them because of me.

Eventually, after coming out and discussing it with mum and dad, mum said she didnt bring me up to shrink away from the condemnation and criticism of others because of my choices, and that she would sort it.. and she did. Gran and I became even less close, and she was very condemnatory of my choice, but in the end a kind of silence descended about the whole subject as far as she was concerned...

Now had I been as close to my Gran as I was to my dads parents who are a different kettle of fish, my dilemma would have been so much the worse... because I am selfish enough to want to keep those I love in my life.. but probably would have bitten the bullet because thats what my parents would have expected me to do... each decision we make has consequences..and we must live with them for good or ill.

[biwords]

There's no magical value in coming out to one's family -- some feel the need and some don't. But I agree that consideration for the family should, in general, be the governing factor in the decision. Not only for their sakes, but because if you honestly know that you had their interests in mind, your conscience will be clear, whatever other conflicts you may be feeling.

[CountryLover]

I'm close to my mother, and to my former mother in law. Even so, I feel no need to tell them that I am bisexual.

I look at it like this: I feel no need to tell anyone not directly affected that I *REALLY* love giving blowjobs ....as well as eating pussy. My sex acts are simply none of their business. Expressing my sexuality is not part of my relationship with my choir director (whom I adore) or my mother....it's none of their business.

[NorthBiEast]

I finally did tell my mom, even knowing that she would be less than thrilled. Sure enough, her response was "eeeeeeewwww" followed by "you're not serious? Really!? EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW". Needless to say, I was less than thrilled, even though she reacted exactly as I had anticipated, and I suspect we will never discuss it again. That's just how she is, though I had hoped for more.

For myself, I've decided that if the topic comes up, I'm comfortable disclosing, but if it doesn't come up, no biggie. In spite of that, it is still hard to judge when is the rigth time, and the right conversation. With my mom, I guided the conversation that way because I knew she'd be my harshest critic. I'm glad I did, even though things stayed tense for a little while (like an hour, we were on a long car ride, blech).

It sounds like your grandparents' reaction would have been much stronger than my mother's and would have created a rift in your family structure. I think you made the right decision for you. Maybe now that you don't need to fear their condemnation, you can think about sharing that part of yourself with more open minded members of your family, if you feel like that is something that gets in the way of their relationship with you.





:2cents:

[CHOCOLATECITY32]

h...mmmmmm let's regrets no b/c we can not change who we r if we r biseual or any other different sexuality that others disapprove of then we have a right 2 tell who we want but a similiar situation happen 2 me recently i was just like u i had a cousin (girl) and we were on the phone talking and she had mention that she had a gf that was bisexsual and i had also told her that i was bisexual and that i had messed with men in time and a couple days later she had told my brother excatly what i had told her so ...plus my brother has a big mouth i also think that my father alos knows but won't say a thing about it 2 me. but now i won't tell anybody about it unless it's asked 2 me direct and that cousin i so dearly trusted i just don't tell her no other secrets and the phrase was do i feel regret HELL NO...

[PolyLoveTriad]

The way I see it, its not lying. You telling them youre bi would be like you asking them what sexual positions they use. Its none of your business and its none of theirs either. Its always nice if you could tell your family, but so many people dont say a word, for the same reasons you havent. My husband is bi, his family, free methodists. Three of them in the immediate family are pastors. We're keeping our mouths shut. They dont need to know what goes on behind our closed doors and to be honest, it doesnt bother us at all that they have no clue.

Bottom line, you cant go through life full of regrets and in the end, it really never matters anyway. *hug*

[Lisa (va)]

There's no magical value in coming out to one's family -- some feel the need and some don't. But I agree that consideration for the family should, in general, be the governing factor in the decision. Not only for their sakes, but because if you honestly know that you had their interests in mind, your conscience will be clear, whatever other conflicts you may be feeling.

I agree. My family knows, my friends they know too: mainly because I have dated both women and men openly and not hiding it. And like country lover I am close to my mom, but she does know and has accepted me bringing a date over for picnics or such (men or women). But in all honesty other than knowing we really don't talk about it in any details, we're pretty much like any other mom and daughter.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[BreeIsMe]

Tx,
This is exactly my situation (except my grandparents and my father are all dead but my mother is alive and alone. If I told anyone related to me that I was transgendered, it would get back to her immediately. This has inhibited me tremendously since obviously if I were fully transitioned, I would appear as a woman full time. With my incredibly strict and "religion-based" upbringing this is extremely hard to do. THis also spills over into my job where people are ultraconservative and would have the same reaction. What to do? I have considered moving somewhere completely new and changing my name and starting all over as Bree but life without your family, etc. would be very different and depressing...
Do I have any answers: NO
DO you??? IF you do, PLEASE let me know!!!
Good luck


Bree



Anyone ever have any regrets about not telling members of your family that you were bi, gay, ect...? Then those members of your family eventually die not knowing the truth. If so, did this bother you?

This is something that I've been pondering the last couple days about my grandparents.

A little background for you: I was raised by my grandparents, as my mother and father both died before I can remember. so grandparents pretty much = parents. Also, their the heads of the family in just about every way imaginable. Every thing in my family ends with them eventually, that's just the way it is. So if I tell anyone in my family I'm bi, it'll get back to them. Did I mention that their also ultra-conservative and highly religous folk? In the past they've actually said the words "we'll disown you if you were gay", and I don't think telling them I'm bi will soften the blow. It's definitly in my best interest to keep the truth from them so I've pretty much decided that I'm gonna let them die believing whatever they want.

So....anyone else ever let a family member pass away believing a lie? How did this make you feel afterwards?

[mtb0509]

Anyone ever have any regrets about not telling members of your family that you were bi, gay, ect...? Then those members of your family eventually die not knowing the truth. If so, did this bother you?

This is something that I've been pondering the last couple days about my grandparents.

A little background for you: I was raised by my grandparents, as my mother and father both died before I can remember. so grandparents pretty much = parents. Also, their the heads of the family in just about every way imaginable. Every thing in my family ends with them eventually, that's just the way it is. So if I tell anyone in my family I'm bi, it'll get back to them. Did I mention that their also ultra-conservative and highly religous folk? In the past they've actually said the words "we'll disown you if you were gay", and I don't think telling them I'm bi will soften the blow. It's definitly in my best interest to keep the truth from them so I've pretty much decided that I'm gonna let them die believing whatever they want.

So....anyone else ever let a family member pass away believing a lie? How did this make you feel afterwards?


For me, my parents and relatives are the LAST people I would ever tell about my curiosity. I don't think many people need to know, I've only told one other friend and I plan on telling another one soon.

But if you really do want to tell them, I offer you this line:
"It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done."
So maybe it's better to have to live with the regret of telling them than live with the regret of not telling them?

[miller lite man]

any regrets for telling any of our family that she's bi? Nope. Nobody in our families knows she's bi. My bro has seen us nude,as has her sister in Kansas, but neither knows she's bi. Geeze,she wasn't aware of her feelings for other women until last September. That's when we discoved she's bisexual,and I think it's great. We've had fmf since then.
That's yet another thread...How would I,or she tell our families she's bi? Or not tell them. Thanx for any comments.
Craig

[DiamondDog]

I think it's best if you come out to people, especially family. You only live once and they're your family.

Just because I tell someone what my sexual orientation is doesn't mean I am telling them what I like to do in bed with other people or alone, or the specific sex acts I'm into doing.

It's not like when I came out to my mom I told her "I saw this REALLY hot cop today and he had such a nice moustache I just wanted to go over and kiss him, and fuck his face until I came!"....

Or when I came out to my aunt I said "I'm dating a nice guy we love to jack each other off, give each other oral sex, and he told me he'd LOVE to rim me while I'm fucking a woman, isn't that great!!!!"....

Or when I came out to my dad I said "You know dad, I really want to be tied up spread eagle to a bed and blindfolded and have a hot feminine woman and a hot man and have lick and kiss me all over and have the woman use my cock and ride it until it's sore and I can't get hard the next day, and have the man use my mouth and really fuck the taste out of my mouth and throat!!!!"

Those are examples of telling your family about your sex life. That's not what coming out is.

I mean, if you were straight, your family would know who you were dating. They might not know whom you're fucking, or how you like your girlfriend or boyfriend to bark like a dog when she/he comes, or that you fantasize nightly about jacking off onto Pamela Anderson's boobs or kissing Johnny Depp's lips...but they would know the social part of your sexuality, wouldn't they?

And shouldn't they? My whole problem with being closeted to your family and friends is that you're basically tricking people into loving you by hiding what you are. Not only is it dishonest, but it's pointless... who needs love built on pretense? It's not real love!

You're assumed heterosexual by default if you say nothing and even if it's painfully obvious that you're not hetero people will still assume that you are unless you tell them otherwise.

I see coming out as being honest with yourself and showing the world and everyone you'r close to that you're not heterosexual and you're fine with it despite what society says.

Plus, I see it as a good thing since if you're out more people who are closeted will see you as a role model and will be willing to come out because of you.

[Solomon]

personally, i do regret not being able to be open about different aspects of me.... but i don't get to decide what they think, feel, and believe no matter how i try to influence....

i regret that they're in a place that my sexual orientation seems to be a threat to them in some manner....

but i didn't put the walls up, and i have no influence over the barriers being torn down....

do i dwell on it long? just long enough to let the feelings pass so that my silence is all they chose to know