Bisexual Parents out there?

[Sex in Words]

Hi,
I'm guessing there's a bunch of us here...
I have two daughters, one is just about 6, the other 3 and a half.
Would love to talk parenting with others!
jon

[Nancyboy]

Yup! Nancy from Montreal here. I have a 5 year old little boy.

[thedarknight72]

Hello from Pennsylvaina. My wife and I are both bi and have 3 kids!!!

[bigballsbiguy]

If I told you how many kids I have you'ld say I was crazy! I love being a dad though. Happy to correspond. Mine range in age from 23 to 2.

[seth71]

Hi,

I have an 8 year old daughter and a baby on the way! My wife and are both Bi

Seth :flag3:

[Dai1961]

Hi, just married my 2nd wife this past year, we are both bi, and hope to have offspring. I have 2 sons (19 & 17) from a previous marriage.

Dai

[Brenda2005]

Hi! I'm new, my name is Brenda and i have 3 children..i'm having #4 in November..trying to have as much fun as possible before then..lol

[Nancyboy]

Jon was right! There are a bunch of us out here! Ok, so are any of you with kids old enough to understand "out" with your kids? Those of you whose kids are not old enough yet, like myself, are you planning on being out?

I certainly have no plans to pretend to be something I'm not with my son. I want him to be open-minded and tolerant and to know what all the options are.

Ironically, the one person with whom I've ever argued on this point was a bi guy with so much internalized bi-phobia that he thought it would actually be bad for kids to know that their parents are bi. He implied that I was being selfish by wanting my son to know.

Other comments I've heard (from bisexuals and others) were that a parent's sexuality is none of their kids' business. I ask them why it's OK, then, to let their kids think that they are hetero. It's as though there is this assumption that declaring oneself bisexual (or homosexual or anything non-hetero) is tantamount to declaring exactly what goes on in one's bedroom.

OK, OK . . rant is over :bigrin:

Cheers all;
Nancy :flag1:

[Brenda2005]

My oldest is 15 and definitely old enough to understand..if i weren't married i would definitely come out to my son..he has been taught to never discriminate and i have explained homosexuality to him in detail

[nik76o]

hi! i am bi and in a honest relationship w/ boyfriend and we have have 2 boys a 6 year old and a 3 week old..

nicole :female:

[Sex in Words]

Yeah for Nancy for starting the ball rolling on the topics I was thinking.
If you're not already aware, I am the articles editor here at bisexual.com, so I will be very eager to hear peoples stories, because I'd like to write about it.
So, I hope you don't mind if I contact you. If you'd rather not participate in an article, no problem. And please do share here!

[julie]

Hi,

I have lived alone with my three children(boys 13 & 11, girl age 5 now) since leaving their father a couple of years ago. When the boys asked me soon after the separation if I had a boyfriend it was good to say I'm pretty ambivilent really and could well be going out with either men or women. They are very at ease with this, showing perhaps more interest than I would choose :cool:

In a country, or at least a city where gay is an insult on the lines of slag or pervert I am glad that from an early age I brought them up to respect and celebrate difference. It seems to have overridden the homophobia so overt in high school. My boys were bemused at the ignorance regards sexuality revealed by their classmates. One of mine assumed he must be gay because he didnt fancy girls. I think it is so sad that at 11yrs old he already felt the pressure to psych himself up for the reality that he may not be straight, though at least he told me and its not a guilty secret.

My five year old daughter recognises no hierarchy between gay /bi/ straight people, I dont discuss my sexuality with her yet though doubt it will be an issue for her. Catch them young :rolleyes:

[Starshine]

I am really glad to see this issue come up for discussion on a site for bisexuals!!

I am 25 and I have a son that will be 5 in july and recently he ha begun to notice that mommy and her best friend are a little different and even refers to her as "mommy's girlfriend" i think it is an individual choice as to when or if you tell your children but lets be honest kids aren't dumb they will all inevitably notice that we as parents are different child's first instinct is strictly gut feelings soooo... why should we be surprised when they catch on to our little secrets.

My second thought is how can we teach our children self acceptance ,honesty,integrity and open mindedness when we hid our true selves from them. i by no means let my son see intamacy between myself and my girlfriend but i also will not lie nor do I volunteer the info I simply answer his questios on his level .

my final thought to this for those of you whose kids have yet to cach on it is as sure a question as Where do babies come from? but actuallythe bi question was a hell of a lot easier to answer we don't get dropped by storks or come from a cabbage patch. :female:

[Heartless01]

;)

I have two children. A boy (8 yrs.) and a girl (7 Yrs.) and both are aware that there are men who like women, women who like men, people who like both and are also aware of w/w and m/m attraction/relationships.

Everything I discuss with them is kept at an age appropriate level, and in addition, the truth. If the answer to a question they ask would be age INappropriate I simply tell them that topic is for when they get older. Both children seem to understand and accept that limitation. (so far).

I make no attempt to hide my "going on a date" with a woman from them, but I also do not offer graphic detail.

I often find myself amazed when I speak to other parents and find they either change the subject, or teach that anything other than heterosexuality is "bad". This behavior to me only reinforces intolerance and hatred if the child is not guided any better than that in human behavior.

[rupertbare]

I'm a Dad, children ranging from 9 to 30, eldest daughter (18) and son (30) are aware of my chosen sexuality but they now both choose not to talk about it. Sexuality can be such a difficult area for teenagers that I have always felt "leave it alone" unless they want to talk about it - having always promoted free discussion about sex in general. I used to take sex-ed classes for 16-18 year-olds, so was always well aware of any unease they may have been suffering from. As for "coming out" as a bisexual - surely this is, and will always remain, a personal choice - there is nothing "wrong" with allowing others to assume that one is straight - and faced with a group of anti-gey thugs in a temper I must say that I would lie!! Take it easy out there everybody - Love and Peace, R.

[nik76o]

hi! i am bi and in a honest relationship w/ boyfriend and we have have 2 boys a 6 year old and a 3 week old..

nicole :female:

no shit look at that im still bi in a in a honest relationship w/ same boyfriend and now our boys are 11 and 5..

[Pasadenacpl2]

We have 3 kids 12/9/6. I am not out to them. I have no plans to be. Too much to lose. I'm not ashamed, I just have experiences that I love having with my boys that I cannot have if I am anything but straight.

And no, I'm not going to rally to change that to please any "out and proud" fanatics.

Pasa

[nik76o]

We have 3 kids 12/9/6. I am not out to them. I have no plans to be. Too much to lose. I'm not ashamed, I just have experiences that I love having with my boys that I cannot have if I am anything but straight.

And no, I'm not going to rally to change that to please any "out and proud" fanatics.

Pasa

I am not "out" to my kids either..and i dont plan on disclosing that to them anytime soon. as far as the boyfriend goes if he was going to be with me he had to accept all of me.. (it was easier said than done) kay sir rah sir rah

[coyotedude]

My wife and I have two kids - 7 and 6. (They were both adopted, and they were born six months apart to the day.) They are a joy and a blessing, although I attribute my hair loss over the last several years to the two of them!

I am bi; my wife is not. I don't intend to hide my bisexuality from them. But finding age appropriate ways of discussing the issue is a challenge for me, especially since I'm in a committed relationship with my female partner.

Peace

[darkeyes]

We are out to our kids.. its a bit difficult not to be since we are two women.. the younger is too young to understand since she is only a tot, but the older understands very well, accepts what is, and is growing up to be quite a well balanced if spirited young lady. It is so much easier if children are raised knowing, but we both understand that often it is neither easy or in many cases possible without huge problems. Yet even those raised knowing of our sexuality face problems with both their peer group and their community at large. Intolerance is not an adult preserve, but a child's lack of compassion and his or her bigotry is an adults responsibility..

[MrDeville]

If I told you how many kids I have you'ld say I was crazy! I love being a dad though. Happy to correspond. Mine range in age from 23 to 2.

I wouldn't say you were crazy. How many kids do you have?

[rissababynta]

The majority of you know about my kids haha. Got three...oldest is almost 5, middle is 3 and a half and the youngest is almost 2.

[JP1986UM]

I have 4

a daughter 17, who recently came out as bisexual

son 15, definitely straight and clumsy with girls, but as a HS QB that will change.

son 13, definitely a pain in the ass

son 8, definitely cuteness endeared.

I have no plans to come out to them because at their age it can cause some discordant thinking about who they are without them finding out naturally on their own. It can also cause their lips to move in directions that other people need not be hearing because they can't stop them moving...Dad's gay? Isn't yours?

I am proud my daughter had the courage to come out to us and I am proud of my wife for handling it so very well. She said that my coming out really helped and had I not have a few years back, it would have likely made her flip. Timing is everything I guess.

So if I go out, I am not overt about what its about, who its about and why. But they'll know when they are older.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Ok. Now I feel horribly old. My oldest daughter turned 37 in Feb, my second to the oldest, my oldest son, just Turned 37, my youngest son is 36. And my youngest daughter, (Adopted when she was 14) just turned 31. :}
I've been bi all of my life and my kids never knew. They dont Need to unless one of them asks me openly, and honestly. I dont ask bout their sex life, and I dont honestly expect one of them to ask about mine...but if one asks, I'm not gunna lie to 'em..:}
Cat, feeling reallly old right now..lol ;)

[mikey3000]

I have two daughters, 12 & 8. I'm beating them to the punch and quietly teaching them that all types of love are good. And I think it's sinking in without them even realising it.:bigrin:

[grizzle45]

I have a daughter, 3, and another daughter on the way in September. I don't plan on hiding anything from her, and in fact am very conscious of all the subtle ways that heteronormativity is encoded in our culture and make a point to counteract them. Just things like "Girls can do that too" and "I don't know if that's a girl or boy".
I don't plan on hiding who I am from her because that just enforces heteronormativity and the notion that my identity is somehow shameful or harmful. I don't plan on making statements about it, just be who I am, which means expressing myself and my opinions naturally. I admit it would seem odd to share an attraction to a male, say a celebrity for instance. But if that seems odd, why wouldn't it seem odd to express an attraction to a female? Both are either too personal or perfectly safe. I can't make distinctions based on gender or sex.
These things have a way of coming up naturally so I'm sure by the time she's old enough to understand, she'll already understand.

[innaminka]

I have two (at times) delightful daughters - nearly 18 and nearly 20.
The older one is at Uni doing an Arts degree (like that's useful :eek:) and the younger one is wanting to be a pilot in the Air force so is studying engineering subjects. - She should get into the Services university, but I can't see her easily conforming to Service rules/regs!! ;)

During my marriage I never came out to them regarding my being bi, and when I did last year when we separated (amicably) the resentment and other worries I had about not telling them earlier were non-existent. (They told me they had been pretty sure I "liked" women for some time)
What I envisaged as the most horrendous time in my life was so easy. I will never forget that!

They have adapted to my starting a serious relationship with another woman very well (its cool evidently to have a gay Mum!) - partly because Chrissy recognises their vulnerabilities and does not overly intrude.

I'm not saying its easy, but compared to a few other gay mums, I have had a very fortunate transition.

[mrscurious]

My husband and I are both bi. We have a 6 year old boy and a 3 1/2 year old girl. Recently we have become involved with another bi couple. We all 4 consider ourselves in a committed relationship. That being said, we are trying to figure out how to explain the situation to our children. Fortunately (and very unfortunately) they live over 600 miles away near our home town. We get to see them only every month or so. We want our children to understand that Mommy and Daddy have a girlfriend and boyfriend but we are not sure how to go about it. On the flip side the man we have become involved with has children of his own and he does NOT want them to know. His view is that if they see our relationship and accept it they will think it is the norm and look for that type for themselves. Hubby and I don't agree but there is plenty of time for that in the future. We have different parenting strategies then him and will not try to push our views on him in anyway.

I am curious what everyone else thinks though. Should we keep it discrete to try and save our kids confusion in the future? Already I have bitten my tongue over something my son said. He came home from school talking about his girlfriend and that he kissed her (we flipped out about him being 6 and kissing his "girlfriend") we asked him why he kissed her and he said because she was a girl and that is what boys do with girlfriends. I asked him if he kissed his boy friends too. He told me that boys don't kiss boys only girls. Now I am seeing a grey area because his daddy kisses his boyfriend but our son doesn't know that.

Ok I have written a book. LOL Opinions????

BTW: Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. :)

[csrakate]

It is my personal opinion that a parent's sex life should never be flaunted in front of a child....be it gay, straight or bisexual. Children should be allowed to come into their personal sexuality and develop their own ideas about sex on their own and in their own time. They don't need to know the intimate details of what their parents do or the relationships that they have. Any parent who is too open with their personal sex life might as well forget about the college fund and start up a therapy fund. Kids don't need to know what we do behind closed doors and believe me, they don't want to know. My kids are adults now and to this day, even when we joke around, they act like they are going to be ill when we make reference to our possibly having been sexual at some time in our lives...(even if it was only the two times that my two kids think we "accidentally did it" to produce them LOL) I know they are only playing around....but be honest....do YOU really want to know what YOUR parents did and who they did it with?

Of course, this is simply my :2cents:

[Jason0012]

Both my wife and I are bi. We have two children The girl 6, and boy 9. We are out and open as much as is apropriate. They are still kind of young and lets face it, nobody wants too much detail about mom and dads sex life. that said I think that it is important to be open and honest with the kids. I want them to know that there are different perspectives on lifestyles, and that love is a very difficult thing to define. I want them to know that they should seek their own path in life .

[kyguy149]

I'm a divorced dad of 3 grown kids and i'm bi,but have no plans of ever coming out to them not sure they would understand

[JP1986UM]

Kyguy: of course they'll understand they are adults, its you that has the hang up. Take it one step at a time. You'd be amazed.

Mrscurious: I am not sure revealing intimate details of this to small children is of any benefit to them whatsoever. Just let them evolve into their own person, be who they want to be without distractions of their parents own influences regarding their sexuality. My wife and I didn't tell and still haven't told our teenage children because they still are formative in their own sense of who they are. Turns out, my daughter came out to my wife as bisexual. We still haven't told her about me. Still too early. I think adult sexual behavior should be discrete from the standpoint that it shouldn't be blasted in front of kids. They get enough of it on TV already. Let them form their own sense of sexuality.
:2cents:

[darkeyes]

Mrscurious: I am not sure revealing intimate details of this to small children is of any benefit to them whatsoever. Just let them evolve into their own person, be who they want to be without distractions of their parents own influences regarding their sexuality. My wife and I didn't tell and still haven't told our teenage children because they still are formative in their own sense of who they are. Turns out, my daughter came out to my wife as bisexual. We still haven't told her about me. Still too early. I think adult sexual behavior should be discrete from the standpoint that it shouldn't be blasted in front of kids. They get enough of it on TV already. Let them form their own sense of sexuality.
:2cents:

I understand what you are saying absolutely.. humanity is not yet mature enough for sexuality not to matter and so in most cases, people are afraid or at least reluctant to open up to their children. If society was sufficiently mature then it would simply be a case of growing up with, and aware of our parents sexuality. Most children assume that man and woman is how the world goes around.. at various stages of their development they find out differently and it can be a shock to many to find that their parent or parents is not what they thought they were. Some day it won't matter but we haven't gotten there yet..

It is different for same sex couples with children.. my partner and I have two in the home and then sexuality is not something which can be hidden very easily.. we would not wish to in any case.. it has caused our daughter some trouble at school and in the street but she has proved well able to cope and is able to stand up for herself.. what pigs me off is the assumption that because Kate (a bisexual woman) and I (gay) are a couple, and raising two young children, they will either be gay or be raised and indoctrinated into being gay.. nothing of course could be farther from the truth.. they will be who they are... we would have it no other way.. that argument doesnt wash because my parents are str8 as were Kate's... so wtf did we come from? Besides, the procession of 11, 12 and 13 yo boys which traipse in and out of our house gives lie to that... currently she has her eye on a 14 yo lad who I must admit when her age I may well have had my eye on as well..

Sometimes we have no choice but for our children to know what we are.. but there are times for many different reasons there is no need and even unwise... every parent's circumstances are different.. and for the most part we have to leave it to them to decide what is best to tell, if anything to their children.. for better or worse...

[Herbwoman39]

Bisexuals who are parents or a parent of a bisexual child? I'm both. My youngest, the 20 year old, came out last year. I also have a 21 year old son.

[JP1986UM]

dark,

I like what you are saying and it is a real dichotomy to hear and see the argument that gay people are indoctrinating because they want to recruit. Its a major WTF moment.

In my therapy sessions, our couples therapist recommended we hold off on disclosure to the kids and others in our community basically for the kids own protection. its a small village outside chicago, I coach football there, the acceptance of a mixed couple would be met with gasps and the O2 levels would drop dramatically leading to community-wide hypoxia, and it would present problems for the kids at school.

So we agreed, we would hold off mainly because the youngest was 6 at the time, plus we are active in our parish and until we can locate a parish with a gay/lesbian ministry in the catholic diocese we like....we'll just stay put.

It has its drawbacks, but I like coaching in the fall and don't want to give it up and have my sons ridiculed because of their father. its not fair to them.

[grizzle45]

What strikes me about this discussion, not just this particular discussion, but in general, is the assumption that a heterosexual couple aren't disclosing their sexuality to their children. The thought that a parent shouldn't reveal their sexuality to their children is specious. That ignores that heterosexuality is visible. If you are in a mixed sex relationship, the kids are going to see that aspect of your identity. Why isn't that an intimate detail that a child need not know? As long as our children, as long as WE act like there's a difference between who we are and "everybody else", then our kids will grow up thinking that. There will never be a generation of people who do not balk, blink, or react in shock when suddenly they are exposed to identities that do not fit the heterosexual binary that our culture perpetuates. If we treat these issues as normal and raise a child with an awareness of diversity and teach them not to be prejudiced, guess what? We've got a really good chance of raising an ADULT who isn't prejudiced! If we do not teach them, then there's a chance that others will. And the others may teach them to fear or hate.

[Realist]

My first wife and I were also bi, but felt that it was not something that her children, 12 and 7, needed to know. Like most others here, we tried to teach them to be accepting of others' lifestyles and differences. During that time I was not with another person, but my wife was. When she was with her lover, it was "Her night out".

[bisexualman]

So I hear the debate about sharing or not sharing. My philosophy, our philosophy, in raising our children was to answer their questions and encourage them to be curious. We are pretty liberal in our thinking but we always kept two things in mind: Is this information they need to know and if so how much? Would this information be damaging at their stage of development?

Our children have always known we are accepting of everyone and that differences are something to appreciate and be curious about. My sexual orientation was never discussed but my acceptance of sexual orientations other than heterosexual were always clear: do not narrowly define someone by any particular characteristic and definitely never reject someone merely because they are different.

So when it became clear that we were separating and that my sexual orientation was part of the equation, and because they are old enough and capable of complex thinking, it was clear they needed to know why, and they needed to know I was comfortable with who I am and anything they wanted to know. They were definitely of an age to comprehend and wrestle with the complexity. (16 plus and 19)

They didn't even pause. They took it all in and are slowly asking the questions I would expect. They made it clear my orientation was a mild surprise but that it was fine with them. They were more concerned about contact between us all as a family.

I guess my conclusion is that you need to know your kids, know what you expect of them, and judge for yourself how best to present information and experience.