Accepting yourself

[G.T.O]

This is a question to all the "certain" bisexuals on this site. Did you have alot of trouble accepting your bi side? Did you ever think you were just gay, and what made you realise that you weren't?

You see, I have been thinking about it for years now. When I was younger (I'm 18 now btw) I was certain I was gay but as I got older I realise I might be bisexual. I still have those days, one day I would get really down with myself because I thought I was gay and other days I would be happy with myself because I thought I was straight.

To be honest, I would say that there is more evidence to suggest I was gay. I have had lots of "curious" and "gay thoughts" nearly all my life. I have always been interested in other boys and had a few crushes too. I have had girlfriends in the past (not many sadly and they were a few years ago now lol) and I liked being with them.

When I think about it, I like girls for the closeness, such as hugging, sending time with each other etc. But guys appeal more to me in a sexual way. Don't get me wrong I like girls in a sexual way sometimes but about 70% of the time I'm thinking about guys in sexual situations while masturbating etc. And lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have a boyfriend. I REALLY want a girlfriend and have done for a good while now but lately I have started to give up on ever getting one. I feel it might be easier to get a boyfriend and lose my virginity to him, but if I did that I wouldn't be able to live with that. I couldn't tell people that my first time was with a guy, it doesn't seem right to me and I'm afraid it won't set with other people too.

I don't know what to do, and I have been going over this in my head for a good few years now. Will I ever find out who I truely am and will I be happy with it? I want to be straight, as I want to marry a woman and have kids one day, but sometimes I feel it would just be easier to go gay, but am afraid of the backlash I would get. And saying to people that I'm gay just doesn't feel right with me, IF I was gay, it would feel right wouldn't it?

Anyway I'm rambling, but I need help. So does anyone have any similar situations or been in any? How did you solve your "problem" I don't know how much longer I can keep asking myself these questions. I want to find out once and for all who I am, so I can get on with my life. I hate being a teenager, it's such a confusing and difficult time. And what's worse, I can't seem to see a way out anytime soon.

[Enoll]

I was always fine with being bi and I always knew, it's just something that's who I am. Well, I didn't have the right word till I was in high school and I was looking up something in a dictionary and saw it.

Your sexualtiy shouldn't depend on what other people think.
That's all I'm going to say.

[Solomon]

personally, i like long duck dong's signature

the best thing about being bi being that if i can't make up my mind you can do me any way until i do lol

i've also like what's said in the matrix 3... your decision's probably already been made (at least on some level) and you're just trying to understand your decision :cool:

i don't know if any of that helps... but truthfully i can't figure out for the life of me why as a society it's been decided that there's only an allowance for attraction to a gender.... i always thought that attraction starts with the heart.... so does the heart have a dick or a pussy, neither or both? you decide! lol!

[Dr.StrangeLove]

What your describing seems a lot like how I felt when I was your age...I used to have many of the same thoughts yo are expressing. Rest assured that you're not alone, even if it feels that way.

I don't think there's anything special anybody can tell you except that you're not the only one in your shoes, and that as time goes on you will begin to find an identity that suits you.

The best advice I can give is let yourself feel good...if guys are what turn you on most of the time, let them turn you on. And if a hot girl turns you on, let her turn you on. You're sexuality is not your identity, and you don't have to define it...the need to define your sexuality comes from a culture that is afraid of sexual expression. Honetly, would definining oneself be so important if nobody cared what sexuality anybody was? Don't fall into the trap of needing to define who you are, just follow your desire...whoever you are--gay, straight, bi, whatever--you are worthy of love and respect. You are a valid human being, and there are plenty of people who will love you no matter what your sexual identity is. I like what Solomon said, "attraction starts with the heart."

[FerociousFeline]

Well, it sounds like you already know the answer to your question as you posted it as the topic.

But, don't feel bad, as we all are in the same boat at one point or another regarding this. If you will allow me, I will pull the magnifying glass over here and take a quick look.

The biggest thing I see right off is that you are still looking for approval from others. (I recognise this easily because I have the same problem, and I'm having it right now) My advice is to forget about the family, the friends, the workplace, all the various little "groups" that you have a particular identity in......forget it. Then, focus inward and discover what feels right for YOU.
I know that this can be incredibly difficult, especially if you are a person who is used to gaining your own understanding about yourself by the reflections you see in others, but for your own sanity, it must be done. You will never get rid of the nagging doubts this way or the other until you simply decide to step forward and grab ahold of the wheel. As my father says often to me, "Son, please DO SOMETHING.........even if it's WRONG". The main point being that it's a better use of time to take action in some aspect or problem and spend the time making a mistake than it is to spend time on the fence with no action and therefore no gained wisdom.

Personally, as I have said before in previous discussions, I think the main reason that many people go through this agonizing process of trying to self identify is partially because we are in our very essence: undefinable. We are all constantly changing and growing, and it's important to consider that no matter WHAT you choose, it isn't cast in iron. For some, purrhaps it's better to actually just MAKE the decision to "be" 100% one way or the other for just a time, and then flip and try 100% of the other. It's important to recognize the difference between your desires for physicality and those which are your emotional needs. Many bi men I have seen are only able to become emotionally connected with women, but they experience physical connection to both men and women.

But the main thing here is that I see you are still looking for external validation for something that you can never receive external validation FOR.
You must be the one to tell us all "how it is" and you must be confident that you know what you are talking about. There are no wrong answers unless you aren't speaking from your heart; your core self.


I hope this helps.

FF

[G.T.O]

Thanks for the comments. I guess I will just have to sit tight and wait for that day eh? I don't really have any idea on where to start with accepting myself, I know my sexuality won't matter to those close to me but that's gonna take a while to get through my system.

So from what I have said in my last post, what do you think I am? Do think I'm gay, straight, bi-curious or anything else? Just wondering, it might help if I get a few opinions.

[Dr.StrangeLove]

Sound like a pretty typical bisexual to me...one of the things that I've read a about quite a bit is the confusion you're describing, but you might be gay...the more you allow yourself to enjoy your sexuality, the more the part of it that your afraid of may manifest...but then maybe you will become more straight as you age, thats fairly normal too.

I don't know if this is reassuring, but what you choose to identify as now doesn't have to be your permanent identity...my wife came out as lesbian in high school, told her parents she was gay, went to gay teen groups, had a girlfriend, looked all butch and shit, the whole shabang. Now she's more straight than anything...she still believes herself to have the capacity to be with and love a woman, still finds some women beautiful, but she would be perfectly happy identifying as straight.

I, on the other hand, seem to have gotten more gay as I've gotten older, the horny teen hormones and the need to feel normal made it easier to magnify my attraction towards women...the more I have accepted my sexuality, the more I have realized that I am quite a bit more gay than straight...I don't think I could be happy if I didn't at least have the option of being with a guy sometimes. If bisexual weren't an option I would have to call myself gay, but I still have the capacity to be with and love a woman, so does that make me gay or bi? I also believe myself to have the capacity to be with a transexual person, so what does that say about my sexuality? I like to identify as queer because its nonspecific, even more nonspecific than bi.

I think labels can be damaging, but also empowering, so I wish you luck in finding yourself, just keep in mind that labels only serve to help identify you, they don't define who you are, what you do and who you love is what defines who you are...like in Batman Begins...Christian Bale is hot!

[flexuality]

Do think I'm gay, straight, bi-curious or anything else? Just wondering, it might help if I get a few opinions.

My answer would be......YES.

I always had a real hard time with the whole "label" thing....still do. I tend to look at it as... I am a sexual being attracted to other sexual beings. Period.

I absolutely agree with Solomon (my hubby) that attraction starts with the heart, not with the gender. :rolleyes:

Though for the sake of communicating with other people, I tend to use the bisexual label right now....just because it encompasses all people....though I am starting to wonder if the pansexual label might be more all-encompassing, but then as far as society is concerned, I think that label would tend to get a lot of "what the f*** is THAT?" reactions! LOL!

So for myself, I kinda gave up trying to define it and just realize that I am attracted to some people and not others. Gender is just a detail. :tong:

[biwords]

By the time I was twelve I had a constant sexual interest in girls and, rarely but powerfully when it happened, in guys as well (usually one guy at a time). That pattern has never really changed. I recall spending maybe an hour worrying about being gay, and then shelving the whole question as too difficult to figure out. I can't remember at what age I first heard the term 'bisexual' but it felt right from the moment I did.

Based on your description, I would think of you as PRESENTLY bi, with a leaning to guys. This may change or may not. Since you can't predict how you'll develop, you too might do best to shelve the question and just see what happens. IMHO, there isn't much you can consciously do to influence the process or hurry it up. As for not wanting to tell others that your first time was with a guy (if it turns out that way), that's easy; don't tell 'em. Or not unless and until you feel reasonably comfortable doing so. It's none of their beeswax anyway, right?

There's probably a handful of people who really do look back on their teen years as their best, but most people I know say those days basically sucked. Fortunately, judging from your message, you have honesty and thoughtfulness in your favour...as well as access to this very supportive online community! Very best of luck to you in your journey...

[G.T.O]

Thank you for all the replies. I hope that I can post any more of my worries in the future and gets some more reassurance.

I've had YET another day where I have questioned my sexuality, and it's driving me mad. Last night, I was happily thinking about having a girlfriend, and spending time with her and stuff now my thoughts have turned to guys again. These thoughts I'm describing may sound simple but it isn't too me. I really need some advice on how to handle my confusion as I fear it's going to make me ill and a nasty person to other people. My world feels like it is closing in on me!

[Dr.StrangeLove]

I've had YET another day where I have questioned my sexuality, and it's driving me mad. Last night, I was happily thinking about having a girlfriend, and spending time with her and stuff now my thoughts have turned to guys again. These thoughts I'm describing may sound simple but it isn't too me. I really need some advice on how to handle my confusion as I fear it's going to make me ill and a nasty person to other people. My world feels like it is closing in on me!

Figuring out how to think about this stuff is one of the most challanging things about being bi...or whatever. I think when you are dealing with feelings that change a lot its best to stop thinking about how you can define who you are. What I'm about to say may be presumptuous, but I'm going to say it anyway...I think your confusion may be less about not knowing how to define yourself and more about not wanting to accept what you already know about yourself. You've already written about how you feel towards men and women, and how it fluxuates, it seems like you have a better idea of yourself than you think. When I was your age, I had the same feelings; not because I really didn't know, but because I didn't like the answer...feeling ok came from accepting what I already pretty much knew, not some revelation that came after obsessivly thinking about it.

Try and tell yourself when you start to wonder about that stuff that you can have your cake and eat it too...you can have a girlfriend, boyfriend and many partners of both genders and even transgendered people. You can get married and have kids and still have many male sexual partners...there are as many unique sexualities as there are people, and you can experience all of it without ever defining yourself. It doesn't seem like it, but you are really, really young, there are people who go for decades before going through the thought processes you're facing now as a teenager...you're ahead of the game. There is nothing to worry about even if everything you're experiencing tells you otherwise...Learn to love yourself and your sexuality will work itself out, be patient.

[warm heart]

.. but truthfully i can't figure out for the life of me why as a society it's been decided that there's only an allowance for attraction to a gender.... i always thought that attraction starts with the heart.... so does the heart have a dick or a pussy, neither or both? you decide! lol!



Ditto Soloman.....couldn't have said it better my self :bibounce:

Love and hugs
Warm :color:

[NakedBike]

G.T.O- I have about 30 years on you so with absolute certainty I can tell you that you're good to go. Try one from column A and one from column B. Repeat as necessary. You need real life experience that's all and that will be had over the period of the next decade of your life and beyond. I'm married have a child and have explored my sexuality over the years. I love having read many times on the forum that sexuality is fluid. For the past year I've been feeling more bi than I have in over a decade. Why? Who cares? I just do. So if you're feeling 70/30 on your present self scoring I'd be inclined to take a crack at the 70% because no matter who you share your first intimacy it doesn't matter but you truly can't pre-define yourself. Now after saying this I've spent ages mentally masturbating about this very same issue, I just wish I could save you all that time to do something better like go out meet new friends and future possible lovers and maybe find one or two here.

[woolleycouple]

Ditto Soloman.....couldn't have said it better my self :bibounce:

Love and hugs
Warm :color:


ditto ditto You have it right on the button
:2cents:

[innaminka]

Self acceptence is the hardest aspect.
Always has been - always will be.
personally, "bi" is a label I am comfortable with; and no I didn't ever think I was gay, as even as awareness unpeeled itself as to my prediliction with women, I always loved and enjoyed my husband.

Probably on the so called scale I'm about 7/10 gay, but hell, who cares?

I'm still me.

[seafer]

This is a question to all the "certain" bisexuals on this site. Did you have alot of trouble accepting your bi side? Did you ever think you were just gay, and what made you realise that you weren't?

You see, I have been thinking about it for years now. When I was younger (I'm 18 now btw) I was certain I was gay but as I got older I realise I might be bisexual. I still have those days, one day I would get really down with myself because I thought I was gay and other days I would be happy with myself because I thought I was straight.

To be honest, I would say that there is more evidence to suggest I was gay. I have had lots of "curious" and "gay thoughts" nearly all my life. I have always been interested in other boys and had a few crushes too. I have had girlfriends in the past (not many sadly and they were a few years ago now lol) and I liked being with them.

When I think about it, I like girls for the closeness, such as hugging, sending time with each other etc. But guys appeal more to me in a sexual way. Don't get me wrong I like girls in a sexual way sometimes but about 70% of the time I'm thinking about guys in sexual situations while masturbating etc. And lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have a boyfriend. I REALLY want a girlfriend and have done for a good while now but lately I have started to give up on ever getting one. I feel it might be easier to get a boyfriend and lose my virginity to him, but if I did that I wouldn't be able to live with that. I couldn't tell people that my first time was with a guy, it doesn't seem right to me and I'm afraid it won't set with other people too.

I don't know what to do, and I have been going over this in my head for a good few years now. Will I ever find out who I truely am and will I be happy with it? I want to be straight, as I want to marry a woman and have kids one day, but sometimes I feel it would just be easier to go gay, but am afraid of the backlash I would get. And saying to people that I'm gay just doesn't feel right with me, IF I was gay, it would feel right wouldn't it?

Anyway I'm rambling, but I need help. So does anyone have any similar situations or been in any? How did you solve your "problem" I don't know how much longer I can keep asking myself these questions. I want to find out once and for all who I am, so I can get on with my life. I hate being a teenager, it's such a confusing and difficult time. And what's worse, I can't seem to see a way out anytime soon.

your 18, your still young.. you will find ouit soon enough what you want and it will feel right to you..
Im 40 and I didn't feel right until I met my first woman I was actually comfotable with.. when I was growing up, I had alot of play things, but nothing real.. when I was 30 I had my real sexual flig with my best male friend and a his so called girl friend(she was nasty!!) I later met a girl I just adored.
anyways Ill ramble too..LOL
I met my husband 5 years ago and he told me he was gay.. he was married and had two daughters and just got his devorce.. he lived with several different men befor and after he married and all along was back and forth..
I on the other hand did not actually fully come out as being bi until we started our friendship.. he helped me open up and get the curage to seek a woman.. the first was great and I(like I said) adored her.. but I love my husband(who was just my friend then) well we have been married for about 6 months now and we still go whatever way we want.. I have no problems if he tells me he wants to go play and he has no problems when I tell him the same. just as long as he keeps it men and I keep it women..
I feel good about this , even though half my family doesn't understand, but his family understand 100%..
the only times I get depressed about being bi is when I haven't been with a women in like months(which is like now), but I still have my husband who still makes me feel great and I do the same for him..
you will know when it is the right thing for you.. it will feel so right.. who knows maybe you will get lucky and find some one like me out there.. I hope you do.. its easier to find a mate who is totally open minded then one who refuses to open up and see what nature has to offer..
good luck and don't be so hard on your self.. keep an open mind and go for what you want weather it be male or female.. thats up to how you feel. and don't worry about what others may say about who you loose your verginity to.. I lost mine to a horse of a man..(hung like a fucking horse) wish I has lost it to a beautiful woamn.. Id still do my men too.. best of both worlds I say!!
later my friend.. good luck!! :tong:

[travelrat69]

Hey GTO-

When I was your age (yikes, I'm more than double that now), I too was in the same state of confusion you're in--it's normal for sure. For me, it naturally developed that I prefer (although not exclusively) men. However, for some it doesn't fall so neatly more on one end of the sexual continuum. The important thing is to be your own best friend. That voice in your head should be supportive, not judgemental. Think about the type of understanding friend you'd try to be if one of your pals were going through something difficult and then be that friend to yourself. It truly doesn't matter what others think of your sexual identity. As long as you're not hurting others, experimenting with new things in life (sexual or otherwise) is called living (as opposed to being careful all the time and just existing). It's often that we treat ourselves in a way that is far more harsh than we would treat anyone else, including a perfect stranger. Why do we do that? Who knows, but learning to accept myself is the most valuable learning I've had in life. Sounds like you're a good guy, GTO--make sure you know that! :-)

These are great conversation threads, by the way...