the truth

[rodeo]

The truth about me is i am not bisexual but i was afraid that if i didnt say i was or sat i thought i was then nobody would talk to me. As for my wife she has cheated on me before long years ago and we worked through it and life was good for a long time she never hung around any other men. Then she started going to a bar again and hanging around this guy who was going to college and liying to me about where she has been and who she was with. Said she stiil loves me and wants to be with me but sex just was't good anymore said she wanted that first time feeling again. And i told that i dont think that you can get that back from someone that you have been with for 14 years so she said she don't ever want sex again from me. she told me also before this that i can give 80 percent of what makes her happy so i assumed that the twenty was the feeling that she wanted so i told her to go have sex with someone that gave her that feeling and she asked me if she could do it more than once and i told her to let me get past the first time and see how i handled that. She said that she was not going to have just a one night stand.she kept going out friday and saturday nights for a year seeing this guy and i done without hugs kisses and sex. She would'nt get home until 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning and i stayed home and took care of the kids. after one and a half years she wanted a bigger house and promised things would get better between us so we sold the other home and went and bought a bigger and better home. Sex was still not there but she would give me a kiss and hugs, but she still stayed in contact with the other guy and started going out again. I had no one i could talk to about this and i thought i was going out of my mind and didn't know what to do. She kept telling that she would never leave me for another guy and i was starting to believe her but still did not know how to deal with the thought of sharing her with another man so i came on here to get some answerson how to deal with that and maybe figure out how some people can deal with it. The things i have learned from you all the most is trust. Some of you has so much trust in your relationships i really envy you and miss and want that in mine and its not there and she wants it to but i cannot get that the way we are going about it. She is not a bad person as i've said before she takes good care of me and the kids and the house. I know for sure that i cannot deal with her being with another man or out with her friends until late at night because the trust is gone and i'm always feeling and thinking that she is out with her other man and having sex with him and i can't deal with that. She will not let me get the trust back because she wont let me ever go with her she wont invite any of her friends over to the house she has a seperate email address that i dont have access to. When her so-called friends call its either really late at night or when i am at work or if i am at home she will go to the bedroom and talk and sometimes lock the door. On rare ocassions that i have answered the phone they hung up and so that's where we stand now. I dont want my kids to have to suffer but i can't keep living like this. I know some of you maybe all could care less but i thought i should at least come clean with why i was on here and i have met some really nice people on here and i like to think that maybe you have opened up some closed doors and see the world in a different way.and i want to thank you for that.well that sums it up and dont ever change who you are.

[DuskTillDawn]

have you tried telling her this?

[slaton44]

As someone who survived (and got out of two disastrous marriages), sometimes it's best to face reality and accept that it's over. A marriage without sex, affection and trust seems to me to be pretty empty. Better to confront that now, and discuss it frankly with her, than to go on with an empty relationship and end up five or six years down the road in the same place. Good luck.

[Herbwoman39]

Rodeo;

Thank you for your honesty. I'm not sure how much help we can be, but if I know our community, we'll do what we can to help you.

It sounds as if, in trying to make her happy, you've put your own happiness on the back burner and now you're getting to the point that you're no longer accepting of her getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Or is it the late nights or both?

If it's only the late nights, ask her to be home by a certain time. After all, she needs to get up with the kids in the mornings and get them ready for school.

The secrecy is what would drive me batty. You may want to talk to her about how you've met people who have open relationships and they have no secrets from one another. As a married Bi woman, I tell my husband *everything*. Even things that he finds boring and pedantic, like the woman I've been talking to finding an apartment, getting her driver's license, etc.

Before I even started looking for a girlfriend, hubby and I sat down and made up ground rules we could both live with like, I've agreed to no over-nighters. I will always come home and sleep in our bed. I've agreed to share all the lovely details he wants with him, including things she might do for me that I like better. After all, how else is he going to improve his technique if I don't explain someone else's I like better ;) I've also agreed that if I go out to meet someone and it looks like I'm going to hit a home run, I call home first and let him know I'm going to be later than expected. One other agreement is that I do not spend more time with my gf than I do with my hubby.

Finally, we've agreed that I give as many orgasms to him in one week that I give my gf in one playtime session.

These are not "rules". They are mutually agreed upon terms that help us both feel comfortable. There are more of these guidelines in a book entitled "The Bisexual's Guide to the Universe".

I hope this helps some hon. But you need to sit her down and tell her that this secrecy stuff needs to end.

Good luck.

[deremarc]

I would agree that a marriage without sex and affection seems empty. My heart goes out to you in this situation.

I can't offer advice on the sex outside of marriage, because I am monogamous. But, from what I understand, when people have sex outside of their relationship, it can be for the fun and to spice up their sex life-but from the accounts I read-it is something that is for both of them-something that they do together (maybe not always physically present, but mentally on the same page).

Just thought I'd say sorry for what you are going through.

[Tommy2020]

Hey Rodeo....

My former wife used to send me recorded tapes of our daughter crying for her daddy. Not sure what got me through that time period..... While she never physically cheated on me, she did join some oddball religion and suddenly got bizarre about our relationship and that was her "affair" that spelled the beginning of the end. It took our money, our home, and our lives away just as sure as if it had been another woman or man.

I also appreciate your 'honesty' and hope that both you and your wife can work your way through this not so rare arrangement.

Theres an older country and western song that begins, "Does your ring hurt your finger, when you go out at night..... " It's not just a tear jerking, beer drinking song. It sends a message for a lot of souls.

My uncle used to say that sex was for fun and love was for the serious side of a relationship. You gotta have both to keep the vase full.

If you can't, one or both of you needs to walk away and never turn back.

Good luck.... I feel your pain.

Tommy2020

[lilbitsva]

I don't know where to start. I just want to say that you should have never came on hear saying that you where something that you wheren't. That was very wrong of you. You should have never allowed her that first time now that you have you have opened up a door that you may never get shut again. I hope that you dont' think that i'm being mean about it at all. I just want you to look at this as if it was your best friend. You know down in your heart that this isn't write and that you would never want your children to see this in your life. Because of the simple fact that they might think that this is acceptable when it isn't at all. I understand the threesomes because that is something that you all can do together. I would never let my hubby have another person when you did that you basicly told your wife that it was okay to do this. If it was me i would go ahead and accept that the relationship is over with. If her friends don't talk to you they hang up when you call then that is another sign. Another sign is the hugs, kisses and no sex that is another sign that you need to leave. Because you know that you aren't going to get them back not while you are letting her do what she wants. Come on you know that you desirve better. i know that you love her and everything like that but you can find somone that is going to love you and show you love. I wish you nothing but the best with your decision that you decised to make. lil bit

[Herbwoman39]

On a side note, if you *do* decide that the marriage is over, change the locks one night when she's out and leave the divorce papers taped to her packed luggage on the front stoop.

Do not, under ANY circumstances let her take the house and the kids from you. You claim that she takes care of everything but if she's out regularly until 4 am, is she *really* doing that well?

Just my :2cents: