My life is not my own

[kitten]

I have so much comfort and security in accepting myself as bisexual. I have found comfort and love being a mother. I had a great weekend celebrating a mid-of milestone birthday. I have been married for many years with all the ups and downs of any relationship that becomes so comfortable you never knew you didn't have it. I can even find some joy in the in-laws that never seem to be pleased with anything.
My life is not my own. It belongs to my children first and foremost and the rest of my family. Then there is the job, the chores, the community.
I find that I long for time alone. I strive for balance but seem to be at the bottom of the list. But then there is guilt if I put myself first.
Oh the rant of middle age and the where have I been and where am I going
questions that have no answer right now.

Thanks for listening. :)

[flexuality]

I have so much comfort and security in accepting myself as bisexual. I have found comfort and love being a mother. I had a great weekend celebrating a mid-of milestone birthday. I have been married for many years with all the ups and downs of any relationship that becomes so comfortable you never knew you didn't have it. I can even find some joy in the in-laws that never seem to be pleased with anything.
My life is not my own. It belongs to my children first and foremost and the rest of my family. Then there is the job, the chores, the community.
I find that I long for time alone. I strive for balance but seem to be at the bottom of the list. But then there is guilt if I put myself first.
Oh the rant of middle age and the where have I been and where am I going
questions that have no answer right now.

Thanks for listening. :)

"guilt if I put myself first".....I am reminded of the thing they run through on all airlines at take-off where they demonstrate the oxygen masks.

It is absolutely essential that if one is traveling with a small child, that the parent puts on their own mask FIRST, and then puts one on the child SECOND.

We can not take care of those we love if we do not take care of ourselves first.

Just some thoughts..... :rolleyes:

[kitten]

An excellent thought and reminder!

Thanks very much.

[ambi53mm]

Here kitty kitty kitty ;)

The good news kitten is that you have the moment...so grab hold and don't let go..You can still look at life and say... Wow I made it this far and with a wing and a prayer hopefully I'll enjoy another 45 years....10 years from now comes the probable reality of Geeez I have more time behind me that I have ahead of me....50 always sounded old to me until I hit 50 and as I slowly creep up on 60 I can still say with a degree of honesty that 50 still sounds old to me..but with age comes the light at the end of the tunnel...one more to get thru college and empty nest syndrome here we come :rotate: The past is gone...the future never arrives...so we're stuck in the here and now...life is wonderful :)

Ambi :)

[NakedBike]

Kitty-start immediately and set aside one hour each and every day henceforth for you and only you. It is but one of 24 and less than 5% of a day. You deserve it as do we all.

[Bi-Curious1]

I understand about not having time for yourself. I used to be the same way until I started to take time every day to relax. Something I do for myself is run a hot tub of water with some good smelling salts or bubbles and just soak for 30 minutes or so. I think of nothing and close my eyes. I take several deep breaths and slowly release all tension. I visualize with each breath that all of my tension comes to my center and as I exhale, it leaves me. I Burn some incense and play some relaxing music. I put a nice little "do not disturb unless emergency" sign on the door as well. 30 minutes does not sound like a long time, but, you do feel new afterwards and ready to takle what is left of the day or evening without your hair standing on it's ends. That is just my way to unwind and have some "me" time. :cool:

[fortyniner1]

I totally agree with kitten. I have absolutely no time to myself, except the moments I have on this site to talk with my good and trusted friends, and you know who you are. I have had a very good life compared to most of the people on the planet, but still I have this emptiness in my soul. I have a pain in me that I cannot define, but still it lingers. I grew up with older parents and I saw what they wanted, and that was to retire and I wanted that too. My role in life was not to have a life of my own, but to care for them and whoever they could lend me out to. I was their ace in the hole, for the days when they couldn't go to the store, the drug store or the doctor and I was groomed to feel guilty and less than grateful when I wanted something as simple as new t-shirt or ball cap. So I did my duty, faithfully and well. I made sure everything was taken care of. I was there when Pa passed away and held his once strong bricklayer hands. I made sure Ma was in her own home and not some nursing home when it was time to go. I took weeks off from work even when my employer chewed my ass out when I got back. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world though, because I did what I felt was right in the end. I gave back just a little for all they did for me. I got the house but my sister took the money and the possessions, and although I don't like to dwell on "things", it was a very hard thing to swallow because I saw the worst in my only sister. As a result, my life is much worse. As a father, I have dedicated my life to my developmentally disabled son. His mom had physical custody and at age 10, she put him in a group home as she felt he was draining her, and I can understand that. But I never received the opportunity to help. So I spent every nickel, literally, on making sure he knew who I was and what I believed in. As a result of that, we are so tight as father and son, that nothing can part us. I would do that again too. With my second wife, I gave all I had to make sure she could leave the nightmarish life she had before to a better one, a quieter one, with me. I gave all I had to her daughter, my stepdaughter, to make sure she had the chance to go to college and get a better job than I ever did, and proudly, she did. Then throw in the fact that I am bisexual and the whole thing takes another spin. How do I keep doing good, without little money, with more responsibilities, and without my wife, pending her immigration from Canada? How do I fill in the chances to meet men, not just for sex, but to make friends, to talk, to reason things out, to learn? I have bored you all to death, but like my friend Kitten, I have an empty space in me, and I don't know what to do, and I hope that I can find the answer before I take my last breath. :flag4:

[littlerayofsunshine]

I feel it too kitten. With 4 kids, a hubby, a sister I am helping through college who has lived with me since she was 15, a mother in law who is disabled and needs help, and growing up always taking care of others. I was never taught how to tend to myself. It has been a long, hard lesson to learn for me. And I am still learning. I have to hang on to the little things, sitting outside alone for 10 minutes listening to the noises and feeling the sun on my skin, a hot bath after the kids go to bed, intimate moments with my husband, nice cup of tea with a book that sweeps me away, a phone call with a dear friend, being silly and letting loose, singing and dancing and making an ass out of myself and hearing those I love laugh and clap at me. These are just a few things I can do, that help me to relax and recharge emotionally and physically.


I agree with flex "We can not take care of those we love if we do not take care of ourselves first."

[Tommy2020]

My uncle used to say that if you can't take care of number one, there will be no number two. Just my :2cents:

Tommy2020

[Chaia]

With 3 kids, a husband, in-laws, and parents in town, I know what you mean, as well. I have decided that we should have "singles weekend" periodically. When it is your turn, you get to pretend you are single again (or without kids, or without aging parents, or without....) and not have to account for yourself with anyone. You don't make anyone food, you don't tell anyone you are leaving the house, you don't ask if anyone needs anything at the store when you go, you don't clean up after anyone but yourself...you get the picture. You get to do whatever you want, whenever you want for an entire weekend!

"To dream, the impossible dream..." (Man of La Mancha) :)

[captslaprock]

CAN'T SAY IT ANY BETTER THAN FLEX DID

[sexybicplinwv]

Boy!!! Sister i feel every world that you said :) I dont think my life has been mind for a very long time, :( I well say this if you dont take time for yourself who well :female: (((Always be true to Yourself))) :flag3:

[Domino]

The only thing I have to say is that you chose to live your life like this, and only you can change it, so quit whining and do something about it.

[Solomon]

my life's not mine either.... oh well

[kitten]

Thanks very much for all the supportive responses. I appreciate the opportunity to share some "whine" with good friends and not be taken to task for needing a hug, a shared story, or a boot in the butt to get on with it.

I haven't been able to chat and be amongst this safe haven of good people and I was missing it.

Soon though - and I have a spot reserved on my favorite porch swing for a certain time each evening. That will be my start.

Hugs to all-

[Domino]

I find so amazing. It's that so many of you seem to wallow in your own self pity. You winge about all kinds of crap but in reality you are the author of you own destany. But no one want's to do anything about it, they just want to wallow and feel supported, because they just want to stay exactly where they are, because it gives them purpose.

[Solomon]

I find so amazing. It's that so many of you seem to wallow in your own self pity. You winge about all kinds of crap but in reality you are the author of you own destany. But no one want's to do anything about it, they just want to wallow and feel supported, because they just want to stay exactly where they are, because it gives them purpose.

i guess we should all be so sorry that we don't have the purpose you claim to have domino

[csrakate]

I find so amazing. It's that so many of you seem to wallow in your own self pity. You winge about all kinds of crap but in reality you are the author of you own destany. But no one want's to do anything about it, they just want to wallow and feel supported, because they just want to stay exactly where they are, because it gives them purpose.

One of the advantages of being a part of a community such as this one is that one can feel safe to come here to "vent" when things get to be a bit overwhelming. Not only are they able to get something off of their chest, but very often they discover that their situation is not all that unusual and they can find a shared experience with other chatters. Yeah..only we can make changes, but sometimes it just feels nice to know that we are not alone!

Hugs,
Kate

[Ms. Ally Kat]

hear hear kate

[kitten]

Thanks again for all the support. I will let this thread die now and get my hugs in a more personal setting.

[flexuality]

Thanks again for all the support. I will let this thread die now and get my hugs in a more personal setting.
Why?
Some of us don't have a more personal setting to get hugs....and I for I could sure use one.........

[kitten]

((((((((((((((HUUUGGGGZZZZZZ)))))))))))))))))

I have to count the positives not the negatives!
And now I am off to sit in my porch swing and listen to the birds for a little while before I start dinner.

[flexuality]

Thanks....you have no idea how much that means right now.

[Chaia]

Thanks....you have no idea how much that means right now.

Flex and Kitten,
When I am feeling the way you are now, music is often a help. This is a new favorite for lifting the spirits--whether you get your lift from your spirituality, your family, or your friends near and far...

http://music.aol.com/video/you-are-loved-dont-give-up/josh-groban/1756290

[flexuality]

Flex and Kitten,
When I am feeling the way you are now, music is often a help. This is a new favorite for lifting the spirits--whether you get your lift from your spirituality, your family, or your friends near and far...

http://music.aol.com/video/you-are-loved-dont-give-up/josh-groban/1756290

You're right about music being a help sometimes.

I have tons of it...everything from Metallica and Ozzy Osbourne to Michael W. Smith and everything in between!

Weird thing about music....I spent about 15 years of my life avoiding music. It wasn't until I met Sol that I started listening to it again...and crying my eyes out whenever I did at first....still do sometimes

A lot of music still makes me cry...course being a woman, there's nothing quite as "cleansing" as a really GOOD cry.

Just off the top of my head, some songs I find really "emotionally digging" are:

Michael W. Smith - Breathe
Michael W. Smith - My Place In This World
Hans Zimmer - Chevaliers de Sangreal
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters
Mariah Carey - Hero
Audio Adrenaline - Leaving Ninety-Nine
John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire
Skid Row - Wasted Time
White Snake - Here I Go Again
Survivor - Burning Heart
Whitney Houston - One Moment in Time
Tears For Fears - Woman in Chains
Ozzy Osbourne - Dreamer
Ozzy Osbourne - S.I.N.
Moody Blues - The Voice

and lots more....

and the one that "broke" my music avoidance and let loose the floodgates many years ago: (I still can't listen to this one without crying!)

Mark Wills - Don't Laugh At Me

Here's the lyrics to it...

Don't Laugh At Me
(Allen Shamblin/Steve Seskin)

I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call the geek
A little girl who never smiles
'Cause I've got braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels
To cry myself to sleep

I'm that kid on every playground
Who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother
Tryin' to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm the cripple on the corner
You've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here beggin'
If I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice
That our eyes never meet

I lost my wife and little boy when
Someone cross that yellow line
The day we laid them in the ground
Is the day I lost my mind
And right now I'm down to holdin'
This little cardboard sign...so

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

[mouse46]

:bigrin: I guess I don't have some as eloquently put as "NINER" so I'll just say this. People sometimes forget about themselves getting lost with what's going on wiyh the rest of the world not really paying attention to needing or taking time for oneself thinking oh well there's always tomarrow but infact that day gets farther and farther away until you do completely forget about what you needed to begin with. Children , your spouses, relatives doctors etc great don't forget them and enjoying all they have to give but remember instead that hey I have needs outside of all of this and should always take the time to "stop and smell the roses so to speak" for yourself.Remember to take that time for yourself join something just for you, read just go for a walkby yourself anything that's just your time alone. Breath deeply because you have been there for everyone else now be there for you.Just take the time. Good luck. :bigrin: