am i missing something would like your views

[rodeo]

I am divorced, have two kids and still live with my ex-wife. I am not happy in my situation with her but she says it's just me and the way i think. My situation is as such: She says she hates sex and therefore i cannot have any except maybe once a month if im lucky and then its straight sex get it on and over with. I asked if it was me and she says no its her. But for a long time she told me that i dont turn her on anymore which i took as being because of me wanting to spruce up our sexlife with different things. Again she says its not me. she tells me that if i tell her she is beautiful and sexy it doesn't count for anything but if another man tells her she is than it means the world. There is lots of guys that calls here for her and they talk sometimes for a couple of hours. She says they are just friends. She goes out to the bars and with her so-called male friends and tells me she dont want me to know them or associate with them that i just wouldn't fit in with her friends. She is always buying new things to make herself look better but never wears them with me. She says she loves me alot and that she wants to be with me but i am not feeling it and she keeps telling me that she is going to continue to do what she is doing and i need to learn to accept it and get my own life. So am i missing something would love to hear your views and all comments appreciated.

[innaminka]

I am divorced, have two kids and still live with my ex-wife. I am not happy in my situation with her .

I think the quote says it all - I may be a bit Neitzchian but my advice comes in six words;

Move on - get your own life.

Because its only going to get worse.

[Long Duck Dong]

open the front door, and walk out

I could be down right offensive about your ex wife, but I am in a good mood....... ahh to hell with it.... you are her security, her safequard...her door mat

now she may love you as love can live on for years after the relationship ended.... but she is clearly showing you that you are not ranked as a equal but as a door mat

having you there, means that she is free to party and go hard, knowing that she has you to fall back on, with the house, the kids and her own sense of security

my advise to you, is to sit down and look at your life with your kids.... forget the wife.... she is not important.... now you need to decide how your state of mind is affecting your kids.... if you are feeling screwed over, the kids will see / sense it....
make the decision, are you interested in having a life of your own, and with your kids... or are you happy to sit there so that your ex wife can have a life at the expense of you and your happiness

I am guessing that you are contributing financially to the house hold.... for the sake of your kids, and I admire that.... but whats the price you are paying for that

[bi-robin-calif]

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
Just hop on the bus, Gus
And get yourself free.

Are you familiar with the expresion, "eating your cake and having it, too"?

[rodeo]

As for if i am contributing to the household i am paying all of the bills including her vehicle payment,insurance everything.

[DarkwaterUK]

I don't think there is much that can be added to Long Duck Dong's response to your initial post, I think he hit it right on the nail! Sometimes we just need a wake up call to the reality of our lives.

Move out, make arrangements to ensure your kids are financially catered for and get on with your life. Your ex isn't worth the agony you must be going through.

((((((((((((((((Rodeo))))))))))))))))))))))

[mikeh16842]

Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. I was once in similar shoes as you. It took a very good friend of mine to make me look in the mirror and see what I was really doing to my self. It was hard....very hard but I had to leave my ex-wife so I could continue with my life. Just remember you have to take care of your self first before everyone else.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Shania Twain wrote: If you're not in it for love, I'm outta here.....


Get outta there...

[biwords]

It sounds like she is treating you appallingly. I'm sure I couldn't stand it.

[flexuality]

Let me get this straight....you are divorced and you live with your EX wife and pay all her bills.....please don't take this the wrong way.... but are you crazy?!?!

No wonder she says she "loves" you.....she's got a good thing going....at YOUR expense.

I agree with the others here.....walk away. Set up child support for your kids if that's applicable (I don't know their ages or who they would live with) and get on with your life.

Oh...and welcome to the site! :)

[mindfinding]

You know what you need to do in your stomach. Be honest with yourself.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself something. Seriously.

"Do I want my kids to be in this relationship?

"Would I care if my son was being walked all over by a woman? Would I care enough to tell him he needs to get out?"

"My son looks to me for how a man is suppose to act and what he can expect from people, I want more for him then this, I need to show him he is worth something. I'm leaving this abusive and worthless relationship so my kids can see I am not a push over and I am showing them I believe in self worth."

Dude, your kids are going to see your a push over. Your son will think its ok for a woman to walk all over him, and your daughter may begin to see men as vending machines rather then people. Both sides of that are very dangerous.

Cowboy up brother. Your kids need this.

......and for f*** sakes!, STOP GIVING HER MONEY FOR A FREAKING CAR! You could be spending that money on your kids, or better yet,........getting yourself some new digs, kicks and a crib (clothes, shoes and a house).

I feel for you, and I know this part of a relationship sucks. End it.

*just my opinion.

[Herbwoman39]

What else can I add? The others are right. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, pay her own bills, etc.

You deserve a life of your own. Run, don't walk and go find your own life to lead. Let her deal with growing up.

[FalconAngel]

Run, DO NOT WALK to another place away from her. She has you to pay for everything and you get walked on. You sure she's not my ex?

Get the hell out of there NOW. She needs to pay her own way and stop walking all over you. She does not love you....You're divorced, remember?

She is right that you need to get your own life, but the difference here is that she wants you to stay around and still pay all the bills for her.
You need to get a life of your own away from her where she pays her bills and you pay yours (ONLY YOURS AND NOT HERS). Why should she want you to leave when she has a sugar daddy who she doesn't even feel she has to care about?

To quote Monty Python; Run away!!! Run away!!

[biguy4cplohiopa]

"Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walking out the door."

Quit punishing yourself. Punish her. Pack your stuff and get gone.
Then again, it's easy for us to say since we're on the outside.

Good luck!

[Solomon]

rodeo... i have a different perspective, you sound like someone who was born last night!

good god man, i've heard of dumb, but do you expect me to believe that you're paying for a once a month if you're lucky fuck from somebody who sounds like she's fucking the neighborhood and their dogs an doesn't even have the common courtesy of letting ya get your jeans off????

dude, i'm sorry but you need help... maybe even a team of psychiatrists...

try for once to be a hero to your kids.... trust me they want you to be their hero... in fact you're going to be whether or not you shit or get off the pot as my mom used to say, so what kind of hero ya gonna be? it's up to you... nobody else

[Dpnfmly]

MAN!!!! I dont want to be rude, but wake the fuck up. You are her meal ticket. That is what you have become to her. Find your own place, make sure your kids are taken care of and get away from this minuplive bitch. RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Cheshire Cat]

I have a completely different take on this. I sense there is volumes of information left unsaid in this story.

[ambi53mm]

Seems like the biggest thing your missing is a healthy dose of self-respect and a heappin helpin of self-esteem...Take the money your wasting on her and get yourself a good lawyer... Fight for your kids..fight for the house and a better environment for your family..."being cut off " can be defined in many ways.

Ambi :)

[tell_no_one99]

Don't let the door hit her in the face as you walk out of it

[mistymockingbird]

Hon, you got divorced. You were able to recognize that there were enough problems in the relationship that you needed to do that. Now you need to finish what you started. It is time to move out and move on. You'll always be connected because you have children, but theres a HUGE difference between that and the situation you've described. You are in an unhealthy situation and you need to take steps to change that. Divorce sucks ass and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You spend years creating a life with someone and then are expected to just divvy it all up, nice and neat. It's hard as hell to go through. But on the other side of it, when you've finally walked away from someone that was preventing you from living your best life, it is glorious and sunny. Set an example for your kids. Show them that people deserve to be treated with respect.

[imtiffanys]

For one.. don't mean to be rude but why are you still living with your "X". I know that it's mainly for your kids. But why put yourself in a bad situation when it's not needed. I don't have any kids and if i had i would not still be with my x. She has shown you many many times that she doesn't care for you in any way, well she may care but for the reason that your her kids father, that will always remain. One thing you gotta think about is your kids, if your not happy and she's not happy those children can feel that also. If she's going out and buying nice things only for her guy friends and not you that's her way of telling you that hey i don't have to look nice for you cause i've go you right where i want you. She isn't going to change and the it's not you it's me thing shit... that's the oldest damn saying there is. I would seriously rethink your situation and go from there.. I'm sure that you can find a better person that would care for you in the way that you would care for the other person. I wish you the best of luck. Love, tiff ;)

[arana]

((((((((( Rodeo )))))))))))) What part of divorce don't you understand? You need to move on with your life. I'm sure you're children must sense the disturbance in the relationship and you are showing them it's ok to be taken advantage of, big time. Listen to what people are telling you here. You won't be happy till you do.

[Trinity-Fl]

My first response was much like the others. But after they've beat the crap out of you, I just couldn't be another nail in the coffin. :)

So..... I've been tryin' to get a positive spin on this and all I can up with is that you may (for some reason we don't really understand) think that you're doing the right or noble thing. Or, at some level you find a sense of satisfaction in this role. There are husbands who live like that and aren't divorced. It may be the "devil you know" syndrome.

If you're truly unhappy, I have to go with the rest of our troop and say, "Get your own life." Including a sex life for yourself. As offered in the thread previously, divorce is hell. You'll have to deal with alimony and child support and visitation and all the other stuff. It ain't pretty. :)

I hope you find happiness.

CC

[jem_is_bi]

I read your post and all the replies. I suspect the replies reinforce your (unvoiced) intention to change the situation. However, make sure you execute a strategic plan of escape that minimizes your losses. Don't lose access to your children, possessions, etc.

JEM

[Spicy]

How can you, my friend? I don't understand you. What is holding you back? Why can't you open the door and just walk out? and more so what sort of example are you setting for your children. They are learning that no matter how badly you get treated you stay in a relationship! that's wrong don't you think so! I would say, either you patch up with your ex wife and she should treat you well and this includes a loving relationship, if not just get out, you are no door mat!

Spicy

[Solomon]

truthfully, i think this guy wants to be a doormat... he wants to be treated like shit otherwise he would've walked out a long time ago an not looked back.

i think the only reason for him to post on here about this is to whine about where he's at and reinforce that his ex is the problem... cuz if he can blame his ex then he doesn't hafta change.... sorry, got news for ya!

you're ex isn't the problem, it's YOUR choice in staying with your ex that seems to be the problem.

being soft on this would be counter-productive, it'd just let him off the hook so he can just find any excuse in the book to stay where he's at, cuz the fear of moving on in his mind is bigger than the independence that would be in his best interest.

[Michael623]

I have a completely different take on this. I sense there is volumes of information left unsaid in this story.


I agree with you cat. Part of this story seems to be missing.

[Long Duck Dong]

I will second that..... my post was based on the info at hand, but I tend to feel that there is more to it

[entropy]

I agree that there may be more to it, but if she loves you then she should be willing to pursue the relationship once you're no longer providing for her. You have gotten divorced after all. If you can level the playing field, and she doesn't want in anymore, than she was using you... but I think you know that already, I wish you the best...

[rodeo]

ok rodeo wants me to tell you all my side of the story so I am the ex-wife and here is what I have to say.......
For us this all started 3 years ago. He works away all the time and only has the weekends at home. I am here with the kids all week. When he comes home he did not want to do anything but lay around the house or work, I would ask him to go and do things with us and the answer was always no you go ahead and do it. Then at night he was sleep a lot of the time by dark, I am a night person, so I had no one to talk to or spend time with so I waited until everyone went to sleep and yes I would go out. We live in a really small town where there is really no where to go but to the bar so that is where I went. Yes I made new friends and one of them was a younger male. We are just friends and that is it, but some people thought different and told different but friends is all there is to it. He tells that I did not want him to go with me well yes that is true for a couple of reasons we fight a lot when we go out for I think he changes and he not the same person when he drinks and he tells me that the only way he can go out is to drink for he does not want to be around people who are drinking if he is not. Then there is the thing that my friends do not talk to him well I am 10 years younger then he is and most of my friends are younger then me and they don't have a lot in common to talk about and he always has a pissed off look on his face and they don't even talk to me a lot of the times when we have been out as a couple I tell him it is because he always looks hateful.
Now for the sex......I thought that we where in a rut and that is seemed like to me that we had it when he came home and that was it. Nothing special about it just seemed like we had to do it for that is what was expected. I told him that I wanted something better in our sex life that would make it wow again. He told me that he couldn't give me wow again that the only way I would get that was with someone else, but that is not want I wanted. I did try and make things better for us but it seemed like to me when I did he was like who taught you to do that like I had to of been with someone esle to learn it. Which is another thing he tells me all the time go out and get you some strange and then come back home and show me what they did to you that you liked. EWWWWW Is what I think of that. I do not go and sleep around. Then he found this web-site and told me that he thought that he was bi..I am straight not bi at all and he was like I want you and me to do another man together, no answer HELL NO...That is just not a going to happen and then it was well go out and let someone fuck you and then come home and let me eat you out knowning they cummed in you.....EWWWWW again on my part for that is not a going to happen and I think it is gross but he was always saying things like this to me when we where having sex it is not a turn on for me but for him it was but it would take me out of the mood. So he thinks it is not right that I do not crave sex but for me it is not really important to me. I guess that is why he gets it so little. I try and it seems that is was not good enough..And one of the major problems for us is he has a prostate problem and things do not always work they way they should. I used to blame myself that he had the problem before he found a dr that did tell him what it was, the problem is still there and it is something that we have to live with but it is hard to do..
As for my clothes yes I buy nice things, but I do not spend a lot on me I get them really cheap and only every few months. I care about what I look like and what others think of me. He says I do not wear them for him but we don't go a lot of places for me to wear them with him and most of the time I wear them all week when he is at work and does not see me.
As for the divorce I walked and gave him everything, yes I have a car and that is it I gave him the house and everything that went with it.. So it is not like he has to pay for me. If I leave he still has to pay for my car for that is what the child support would go to for me to be able to take care of our kids. I tell him all of the time to take his money and stick it up his ass. I don't care about it and if he gives me money when I go out like $10 I bring home $10 I don't drink so I have nothing to spend it on unless I would have to get me a soda.
We really care about each other but it seems like we can not get past our problems and he thinks that someone can help us understand them and help us get along so that we can be happier....I didn't want to tell my side of the story but for him if he thinks it will help us then please tell us what you think good or bad. Thanks

[entropy]

So is it better for either one of you, for you to be together?

[mindfinding]

I wrote a really big letter for the both of you, then I erased it. Here is the condensed version....you sound like you both deny the truth when its in front of you.

You're divorced, you see things differently and agreed it was best to NOT be married. You need to grow apart. Both of you. Even if you want to be friends.

Your kids pay for this more then you do. Its not enough that you divorced, but now your small town gossip. Move on already.

[fortyniner1]

A lot of people here have suggested, some a little firmer than others, that you two should find yourselves, but not as you were, but as you can be. I agree with them wholeheartedly and the reason I say that is that I have been in your position and it sucks when things don't work out yet you try to make believe they will. Rodeo needs to clear his head and realize that his number one duty is to himself closely followed by the kids. They need a happy father who is there for them, body,soul and mind. They will benefit immensely by the change they will see when he realizes that he has a lot to offer, but as a divorced man, it has to be with someone else. The ex-wife has to move on as well. She gave him the house and the contents. That he pays for the car, big deal, she probably could have roasted him over the fire if she wanted to, and she didn't, so she can live with that, and she must move on. Another person will find Rodeo attractive and not be concerned about the prostate problem, and like the ex-wife said, he has to consult a doctor and take care of himself. When these two people, who have brought lovely young children into the world, finally realizes that a family can live apart and survive, indeed, grow stronger because the mom and dad understand that life is a long journey, not a sprint based on small town gossip, who is getting sex or who is paying for whatever. I pray that they summon the inner courage they have and move forward with the advice (however timely it is) from people here on this site who are diverse, talented, and intelligent and just want to see a fellow person be all they can be. OK, I have added my two cents, but I want you to believe that every tomorrow brings hope and with that hope, a better future filled with every thing YOU want in it. :grouphug:

[Solomon]

Look, i just have one question that could even be remotely important to you two right now....

if you two were to suddenly find $100 million dollars in your bank accounts tomorrow, what would you two do?