If your new here: Why I am here and this experience

[mindfinding]

:eek: I dreamed about a man. I'm a fraud. :eek:

This was one of my thoughts before coming out to my wife a week ago. Truth is, I've been bi curious for years, but I kept putting into the back of my head and kept with my thought that it was just wrong. I fought it as most of us have.

As a dad and a husband I couldn't be this way. Thats not right....., but as the years wore on, so did dreams and fantasies. I was mad at myself for thinking about the things I was thinking about. A gay friend I had told me that there are no Bi's. Only gays who haven't left the opposite sex completely. I knew that couldn't be true, as I was a man attracted to both sexes(my wife has a great rack). :tong:

But I also knew I wasn't denying the attraction and fantasy of men. So here is how I made it to be honest to myself and made it to this website.

I woke up last week from having a very erotic dream. The dream rotated around me another man. When I awoke, and found it was only a dream, I was hit with 3 thoughts.

1. Man, I didn't just dream that. Whats wrong with me?
2. That felt wonderful.
3. This isn't fair to my wife. I need to tell her.

I woke up my wife and spoke to her about it. I laid it all on the table. If marriage is for real, then I needed to be upfront with her a quit beating around the topic.

Surprisingly, she told me she loved me, and she was not offended by it. Before we had married, I had told her I thought in my early 20's I was gay. But I out grew it. I guess I didn't and I was only half right. I'm not gay, I'm bi.

This past week has been both rough and smooth. I feel and inner calm within myself for being open with my spouse and I, at the same time I feel guilty for having these feelings as my wife is the most wonderful person I have ever known. She is my best friend. We have been married 5 years, and she is my mate through and through. But I know these feelings of guilt will be worked out, and she knows I'm with her.

I found this site and few nights ago and gave it a look. I wasn't here 5 minutes and I knew this was a place for me to grow. The first indicator was the amount of friendly council via articles, posts and so on. This isn't a perverted hole, but a safe place for folks to be. I like that a great deal.

Though the next few weeks and months will be a period of growth for my wife and I, I know that all will be well.

Thanks for being here. :)

[mindfinding]

Almost forgot...... :bibounce:

[Herbwoman39]

Let me be the first to say "Welcome to your new home" :bigrin: As you've already seen, there are a whole lot of wonderful people that hang out here. We talk about everything and anything, not just sex. We're always happy to answer questions and the like. Just to be on the safe side though, there are lots of questions that come up over and over again. You may want to consider using the "search" function up there in the tool bar to get a feel for how we usually answer the common ones :)

As for not being a perverted hole...well, you caught us on a good day :tong:

[mindfinding]

Thank you and thank you.

Always good to be welcomed. Very much appreciated. :bigrin:

As for catchin you on a good day..........HA! I knew that already!!

Cheers :tongue:

[FalconAngel]

Welcome to the site and to Bisexuality.

I have been out to my wife since before we were married and we managed to work out things in such a way as to allow my sexuality to be expressed and to prevent my wife from being left out.

You are NOT a fraud, no matter what the sexuality prejudiced yahoos out there may try to tell you. It seems pretty clear that you are Bisexual and the two of you need to sit down together and work out how you will deal with it as a couple. There are a lot of options out there;

You can remain monogamous.

You can play (with your wife's knowledge and consent) as a single with other men if your wife doesn't want to be involved in that way. (this means that she can either get full disclosure of what happens if she wants or just keep it to yourself, if that's what she wants).

You can participate together with other Bi guys (that's what we do).

You could enter into a triadic (kind of polyamorous) relationship.

Those are just the first ones that come to mind, but before getting into those, you should really understand your emotional and sexual feelings and get yourself secure in your sexuality.

Clearly you love your wife and don't want to keep her in the dark, and your wife loves you and wants you to understand your newfound sexuality. She may want to understand it herself, if she doesn't already. It sounds like she may already understand enough of it to know where she stands both sexually and emotionally with you, so that is always a good start.

You will find plenty of folks here that will happily give you both better and worse advice, but you should listen to all of it and decide for yourself what will work for you and what you are comfortable with since not every solution works for everyone.

[mindfinding]

Thank you Falcon, your words are very kind and encouraging. You show a great deal of wisdom in your statements.

I'm not sure how this will play out with my everyday life and marriage, but you nailed it. A supportive wife is worth more then we really know. She has been priceless.

Cheers.

[TorontoGuy2007]

thanks for sharing your introductory story..

nothing is wrong with you. dreams are uncontrolable... as far as fantasies or daydreams, well, that's what's so great! they can be awesome, yet they aren't hurting anyone...

sounds like telling your wife about your dreams and feelings was important. it's never good to bottle everything up inside and deal with them alone.

Falcon has done a great job pointing out all the potential next steps..

obviously, the biggest decision will be whether or not you can be happy leaving your same sex feelings as fantasy, or if you feel that you really do need to engage in real sexual contact with men..

the opinion that people have to be either gay or straight is completely false. bisexuality is very real and there are many different types of bisexuals.

[mindfinding]

Thx man. All the support I can get right now is appreciated. Coming from a fellow Canadian doesn't hurt none either. This really isn't something I can just be out and open about with everybody, so knowing that there are folks in the same boat is really great.

Cheers.

[TorontoGuy2007]

you'll be amazed at the amount of canadians on here!

you are right, the concept of bisexuality, especially male bisexuality, is something that society generally frowns upon, and that is sad.

the gay/lesbian rights movement has come a long way in recent years, and hopefully the bisexual community will be able to benefit from this as well.

i think it is very important for you to accept and realize that you are still the same person. sexual orientation is only one small piece of who we all are as human beings.. when i started telling my family and friends about my bisexuality and transsexualism, the most important thing was to reassure then that i am still me. i just happen to have accepted some different feelings and desires about myself and my needs.

[noostoo]

I came here first a few weeks ago when there was a little bit of trolling going on and was almost driven away. I'm so glad I stayed because it's become a huge help to me in the last week and especially yesterday which could have been a very rough day without the site.

I've even been inspired to start a blog (http://noostoo.wordpress.com/) - the first post is a bit dull but it will pick up.

Welcome mindfinding

[ambi53mm]

Welcome Mindfinding :)

Safe Journey in your discoveries as you follow your dreams.

Ambi :)

[mindfinding]

I know the topic must be a little old for some of you, but I thank you for all of your positive input.

Thanx again

[TaylorMade]

I know the topic must be a little old for some of you, but I thank you for all of your positive input.

Thanx again

It's never old. Everyone has that moment of "What the fuck is WRONG with me!!" (Mine kinda happened in my room, standing on the bed, hollering at the heavens)

Threads like this always contribute.

*Taylor*

[IanBorthwick]

I know where you are coming from in your dreams and attempt to suppress what you've been told can't be true...

PM me anytime you want to commiserate, and welcome to Bisexual.com

[zeroboss]

I'm not sure how this will play out with my everyday life and marriage, but you nailed it. A supportive wife is worth more then we really know. She has been priceless.

Let's hear it for the supportive wives! :)

My wife is also bisexual, which has been a godsend. It's great having someone to talk to about this who is also, coincidentally, the person you've been sleeping with for 12 years. It's also made it easier to incorporate that expression of ourselves into our sex lives.

For us, the main area we're focused on is communication - being as open and honest as we can about our desires and feelings. There are a lot of books such as THE ETHICAL SLUT that help people in nontraditional relationships communicate without judgment or blame. They're worth a read, if you haven't picked them up already.

I shouldn't say "welcome," as I''m just becoming more active here myself. But, hey, welcome anyway. :)

[mindfinding]

I'm experiencing feelings of regret for coming out, anybody else go through this? If so,...how do you cope with that feeling?

My wife has been a gem, so thats not where the guilt is coming from. Its coming from inside myself

Zeroboss,
Thanks for the welcome. Its good to know your spouse has your back huh? You sound blessed.

Ian and Taylor
Thank you. This day was hard for me. Its nice to see so much support. And Ian, I'd love the chat time.

[12voltman59]

Welcome to the site--while not is all perfect here---it is a pretty good place--I wish you luck in your new found state of being "out"--I am sure all will work out fine for you--it sounds as if you have an understanding and loving wife which is something that has to make it easier for you---

Enjoy your time on the site--I am sure you will like it here...

[sexybicplinwv]

Welcome!!Mindfinding :) You are so sweet you dont out grew being Gay or Bi you just go on though life not being true to yourself. I to have been down this road. You dont want hurt knowone not even yourself. (((Always be true to yourself))) :female: :flag3:

[rutgerberit]

Why am I here? Frankly, I was just surfing for pr0n one night but ended up here... :tong: :rolleyes: I found a link on one site that said "Writers wanted", clicked it, this site was mentioned, so, thought I might just as well check it out. And, like you, I found it to seem to be a quite friendly place (I'm so sick and tired of Internet forums that thrive on flame wars and bad spelling...)

It's just nice with a community for all the bi folks out there, I don't know of any forums specifically aimed at bi:s where I'm at. I'm a member of a lesbian (Swedish) site, but everything there is just so... lesbian... And it's not like it's not open to bi women, even guys can register if they want (as they would otherwise register as women in their search for lesbian women... >_< ). But still, it's not really OK to talk about guys there at all, it seems. My blog got censured! So... And on the straight sites, which are open to bis/gays as well, still, most are straight and presume you are too, and the "only" bis there seem to be women anyway... Where's all the bi guys, damnit? :tong: ;)

So anyway, this seems like a friendly site. Over and out.

[Herbwoman39]

I'm experiencing feelings of regret for coming out, anybody else go through this? If so,...how do you cope with that feeling?

OMG sweetie..the first 9 months I was out, I had a revolving door on my closet! The littlest things scared me back in almost on a daily basis for a time. And yes...I had guilt. I felt guilty for putting my husband through all this. I felt guilty for looking at women around my husband. I was just one big bundle of fear and guilt.

I got past it with lots of reassurance from hubby and a dose of the Wyoming girl in me. I simply cowboyed up, as it were. I reached down deep in side of me, *past* all the negative emotion and found the courage that was hiding out there.

I took things one step at a time in tiny doses. It took me 18 months before I was brave enough to approach a woman I liked and a little over two years to start dating. And...I'm still a bi virgin :)

You'll be just fine. It just takes lots of talking and communicating and reasurance. Sometimes you even have to sit down and remind yourself that everything really is okay. You've just discovered a new part of yourself. Kind of like discovering you can play the kazoo...but better ;)

[NothingToSeeHere]

OMG sweetie..the first 9 months I was out, I had a revolving door on my closet! The littlest things scared me back in almost on a daily basis for a time. And yes...I had guilt. I felt guilty for putting my husband through all this. I felt guilty for looking at women around my husband. I was just one big bundle of fear and guilt.

I got past it with lots of reassurance from hubby and a dose of the Wyoming girl in me. I simply cowboyed up, as it were. I reached down deep in side of me, *past* all the negative emotion and found the courage that was hiding out there.

I took things one step at a time in tiny doses. It took me 18 months before I was brave enough to approach a woman I liked and a little over two years to start dating. And...I'm still a bi virgin :)

You'll be just fine. It just takes lots of talking and communicating and reasurance. Sometimes you even have to sit down and remind yourself that everything really is okay. You've just discovered a new part of yourself. Kind of like discovering you can play the kazoo...but better ;)

Jesus, are you EVER off? :)

J/k, more kind thoughts and encouragement from you. It's getting old Herbwoman! -- Don't you ever just blow up?

And to add my :2cents: I did the coming out thing about 5 months ago (to my then gf; now financee), and marked by my presence on my boards today, it can be a struggle even now (not have a good day ... oh well, it will pass). Just keep coming back, listen to those a lot smarter than me and you will find encouragement.

One thing I've learned during my brief exploration; don't keep it in. Whatever "it" is (like the e-Bay commercial) make sure you talk about it. I find I get the worse when I'm struggling w/ something and I don't talk about it w/ my girl. I feel so silly afterward because with just a few words of encouragement from my girl I'm at peace again (until the next day; the cycle continues ... but I'm hoping it will end one day)

[mindfinding]

Thanks again so much for your words of support and wisdom.

I spent a good chunk of the day trying to still cope with the guilt of all of this and realize "things are things" now. The battle being waged in my mind right now is making a person feel awkward about feeling like themselves. This is a learning experience though, no doubt.

I passed my thoughts onto my wife and she asked me to back track my steps.

She said "If your feeling guilty for coming out to me, ask yourself.. why did you."

I answered "Because I had to."

She softly and compassionately said "Because you had to."

"Your not mad at me?" I asked.

"No sweetie, I'm not mad at you. I love you."

So, that said I guess the only thing left to do now is come to terms with myself.

My wife is as straight as a razor, but is so understanding. She is my best friend and I love her dearly.

[flexuality]

My wife is as straight as a razor, but is so understanding. She is my best friend and I love her dearly.

I used to think I was straight as a razor too....... :rolleyes:

[jedinudist]

CONGRATULATIONS !!!

I too found allot of good advice, along with good sane, real people here. It does feel like "home" at times.

Good luck to you and your wife!

Welcome out of the worst closet of all - the one you hide from yourself in.

[mindfinding]

Been a few weeks now and here is what I have learned.

1. You guys are great, thank you for being such a help.

2. Wow, a lot of guys really just want sex. I have been propositioned more times in that chat room then I can believe. We really are horny, huh?

3. I'm not into cyber.

4. I have learned a great deal about myself in a very short period of time.

Thanks again for having this site here, and thank you all for your encouragement.

Cheers