What makes you, YOU [Archive]

bigirl_inwv

Mar 24, 2007, 6:59 PM

I was reading through many of the threads here and I noticed a general trend in most of them. People are always saying..."The fact that I'm G/L/B/T doesn't define me, it's just my sexuality." And for some reason I thought, well, what DOES define who a person is? Lots of people would say personality. But you could put that in the sentence above...and it still kind of makes sense. "The fact that I'm funny doesn't define me, it's just a personality trait that I have." So just as a question...what defines who a person is?

This isn't meant to be harsh towards anyone. It's only a question that popped into my head.

TorontoGuy2007

Mar 24, 2007, 7:04 PM

wow, that's definitely an interesting question.. i think a person is defined by their "total package". sexuality and sexual orientation are part of what makes us up. overall attitudes, values, beliefs, morals, opinions, wants, needs, physicality, spirituality, heart and soul, socialability, personality... all this makes us who we are.

every puzzle can't be completed without every piece. the whole is certainly greater than the sum of the parts.

in my case, i see one major piece missing, my lack of comfort with my own sexuality.. and because of this missing piece, although everything else in my life seems to be great, overall, i am generally a very upset, unhappy, depressed, empty person... hence, my belief in the total-package concept.

FerociousFeline

Mar 24, 2007, 7:20 PM

Just a guess,
but I'd wager that the answer to your questions actually lies in our actions.
I mean....well, let me put it another way.

For want of a way to describe a person that you know nothing about.....how would you go about doing that? You might find the sum total of all this persons desires.....what attracts them, vs. what repels them. So you can define by positive or negative. If you choose to define by what holds a positive attractive force on that person, then you'd go about finding all the things that attracts them. You would wind up with a bunch of different things in many different categories. As you narrow the search through the differing categories...you begin to see patterns of what this person is attracted to, vs. otherwise. Sex, how you embrace it in yourself, others, how you express it, with yourself, with others....these are highly personal. The reason orientation is usually used to define a person is that sexual orientation is just ABOUT as personal as you can get. Vanilla people like major labels. They want everything black and white and prelabeled for their consumptive joy. This is because their lives are based in fear. They need everything spelled out for them so that they know what the rules are, where the boundries are, (good guys in white, bad guys in black kinda thing) so that they might have a greater feeling of confidence about their own understanding of the world around them. However.....you bring in people who do the unthinkable! Who not only BEND the rules of labels but sometimes get rid of them altogether, and you have REAL TROUBLE on your hands. For beige blandish citizens, this is the ultimate evil....because if there isn't any label....well then...what are they supposed to THINK?....(Point is, without any label they would be FORCED.....to think. And REthink. (they really really HATE THIS)

So.....people like us, who don't FIT INTO the nice neat little labels that have been so thoughtfully PROVIDED for us.....well we just have to pretty much do it on our own. Take me for example. Most people who know me would say that I was completely het. Some who know me would say I was gay and didn't know it, or won't admit to it. But the truth is somewhere in between.
I'm likely fully bisexual....but, I'm nonpracticing. I haven't had a bf. I am aware of my capacity to have and nurture such relationships, but I have not engaged in them. Does that make me more het and less bi? I don't think so.
The conclusion I have come to about myself, and therefore about others...is
that we are all constantly changing and constantly being influenced by our environments, our genes, our diets, our physical condition, our level of self esteem, our level of security and who knows, maybe even the celestial influences of the stars. One thing is for sure though. Nothing is prefab. Nothing is an easy answer, and nothing should be taken for granted.

I wandered a bit, but I hope this answers your question.

FF

DuskTillDawn

Mar 24, 2007, 7:26 PM

toronto guys answer is v.good

The way I see it, a person is defined by every little part of them, every desicion they have made, every decision they will make, every decision they are making right now, every freckle on thier skin, every memory, everything in thier heart, everything they have ever thought about.... i think u get the picture. Sexuality and personality is definatly part of it and for most people its a large part. The part things like personality and sexuality play in defining a person depends on who the person is. The way you are defned by other people also dependse on the way they define themselves.

jeeso its complicated.....

p.s. i like these kind of questions the make you really think so thx for bringin it up

flexuality

Mar 24, 2007, 7:57 PM

Forgive me if I get a bit philosophical here....

To define me is to put me in a box...and put the lid on it.

I am an ever expanding human experience. I don't know anything but that leaves me open to learn and to question and to further expand who I am becoming.

I have it in me to be all things. The nice, sweet person, the bitch from hell, the friend, the enemy, and all things in between.

I am everything and nothing at the same time. I can use labels and words to give others a hint of what I believe, but it is only a small piece of me.

I am in a perpetual state of becoming.

GreenEyedLady(GEL)

Mar 24, 2007, 8:06 PM

TorontoGuy2007

Mar 24, 2007, 8:16 PM

TorontoGuy2007

Mar 24, 2007, 8:20 PM

I dont think that could have been said any better Flex. We are forever evolving into the person we will be right before we die.

i totally agree with this too Flex. we are constantly changing, growing, learning, etc.. people become more of who they really are as each day passes. in my case, i am just starting to figure myself out.

society is always obsessed with labels. everybody has to have labels so we can explain who we are and why we are the way we are, to others. but it can definitely be a challenge as different people will have different perceptions of each other.

Bi-ten

Mar 24, 2007, 8:24 PM

flexuality

Mar 24, 2007, 8:28 PM

i've always agreed with the term "perception is reality".

That is soooooooooooo true!!

I used to believe everything my mother told me as a kid...and I mean everything. :( She kept telling me that my eyes were gray (I don't know why she did this...weird...but...) but it was something she told me over and over for some reason.

I even put on my driver's licence that my eye colour was gray. I would look in the mirror and SEE gray eyes.

When I finally broke away from my mother (long story) , one day I was looking in the mirror and actually felt shocked at seeing GREEN eyes!

My eyes are, in fact, green. Not gray.

But I believed it so completely that they were gray back then, that that is what I actually SAW.

***okay....so I'm strange......lol! :cool:

flexuality

Mar 24, 2007, 8:34 PM

Hi,

Building on the response from Flexuality, I would describe all beings as 'infinite'.
...

Inhabiting Infinite space
Capable of Infinite love
Recipients of Infinite joy
Possessing Infinite potential

...

How does one define further define this concept? No religion has succeeded, no man has uttered it. When asked, Jesus replied 'I am'. Sounds good to me.

Wow, I need another beer (guiness please)!

Sal

Got chills reading that! :) (good chills lol)

"No religion has succeeded"......I believe that's because they keep trying to define God.

Wow...I need to develop a liking for beer! lol! :tong:

bigirl_inwv

Mar 24, 2007, 8:40 PM

It seems like some people kind of missed my question...or maybe I just didn't put it right. I don't know. I'm not sure how else to say it.

After a bit of thinking...Its kind of like a building. You can't choose just one brick to define the entire building. Yet if you remove one brick...the building loses some stability. You can't take away one characteristic without changing the entire make up of a person.

And flex.....You can always put an addition on a building ;)

flexuality

Mar 24, 2007, 9:00 PM

And flex.....You can always put an addition on a building ;)

That is very true...but then you'd have to re-define it. :tong:

I do appreciate your original question...I'm just looking at it from another perspective is all. I'm not sure it's possible to define anyone....I think the best we can do is kind of come up with a "Reader's Digest" version that I find to be very limiting.

I don't really see myself or others in terms of a building as such. I see them more as a kind of "flow."

I don't know if I'm making any sense.....lol!

bigirl_inwv

Mar 24, 2007, 9:02 PM

Hey, I just compaired people to buildings...so it's cool. :bibounce:

shadowsaffinity

Mar 24, 2007, 10:32 PM

being queer is part (a big part) of what defines me. all of my volunteer work is queer related, the books i read, my friends, my thoughts, my church, etc. all queer-related. it's a very big part of me, but i know many do not feel that way.

i often think if i were asked to define myself in one word, what would it be and i think i'd say QUEER :bibounce:

TaylorMade

Mar 25, 2007, 11:53 AM

For me, it would my hobbies, desires, experiences and beliefs. Especially the last. I'm pretty sure if I were to make a full disclosure of how I feel about things, I would stand out, no question.

Strange things hold my intrest, unusual things turn me on. . .and some of my experiences ,while simple, are unusual indeed.

*Taylor*

bi-robin-calif

Mar 25, 2007, 1:11 PM

Who am I? This is me this morning. It might not be me tomorrow, or even tis afternoon:

you shall above all things be glad and young
For if you're young,whatever life you wear

it will become you;and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on;and his mind take off time

that you should ever think,may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave
called progress,and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance

ee cummings

darkeyes

Mar 25, 2007, 3:51 PM

My parents love and their belief that I should be me and not who they or anyone else would wish me to be, my life and my love of it, my experiences, those I have loved and have loved me, my inherent love of this world, my compassion, my intolerance of the intolerant, my thoughts, my insecurities, my temper, my selfishness, my selflessness, my flippancy, my confusions and certainties, my ability to hurt and be be hurt, my loathing of powerful people, my love of music, literature and poetry, Mozart, Dickens, Georges Eliot, Rabbie Burns, Shakespeare, Robert Fergusson. Nelson Mandela, Fidel Castro, Kier Hardie, the writings of Karl Marx, Emily Pankhurst and a million indefinable other reasons.

bigirl_inwv

Mar 25, 2007, 4:06 PM

By reading most of the posts here...there is only one logical conclusion I can come to---EVERYTHING about a person makes them who they are. That includes sexuality, sexual orientation...whatever you want to call it. It's an ever changing, ever evolving thing but each step you take makes you the person that you are. You may have a change of beliefs in your lifetime, but your previous beliefs are still there, still understood, still a part of what makes you who you are. Without change none of us can grow as a person. And without recognizing the things that came before....all of what is understood now is lost. Does that even make sense? lol. To use a cliche saying....You have to know where you've been to get where you are going.

But now Im rambling....

onewhocares

Mar 25, 2007, 6:38 PM

Well, for some, this may be a rather easy question to answer. For me, however, I am rather hesitant to find an snswer within myself. I do know that I most definately not the person I was before I came to this site. I have always believed that people come into our lives for a reason. Be it to teach us a lesson, open our eyes. To show us the joy in the simple things in life or to fill our minds with yet unanswered questions. One of the best things in the last year has been my experiance with others have spot lighted those things that are lacking in my own life. Not that I am complaining, but I think things were pointed out to make me grow.

I have had the pleasure of meeting SO many people on this site, both on line and in person. Each has taught me something that I think that makes me a better person.

Belle

TashaSW

Mar 25, 2007, 7:28 PM

That is soooooooooooo true!!

I used to believe everything my mother told me as a kid...and I mean everything. :( She kept telling me that my eyes were gray (I don't know why she did this...weird...but...) but it was something she told me over and over for some reason.

I even put on my driver's licence that my eye colour was gray. I would look in the mirror and SEE gray eyes.

When I finally broke away from my mother (long story) , one day I was looking in the mirror and actually felt shocked at seeing GREEN eyes!

My eyes are, in fact, green. Not gray.

But I believed it so completely that they were gray back then, that that is what I actually SAW.

***okay....so I'm strange......lol! :cool:

*sighs* we are alike!!! *wonders if thats a good or bad thing* lol
I used to always listen to my mother too lol not anymore!!!

Its funny you mention that, in Grade 5 we did this project about our looks... I always made my eyes BLUE.... teacher said "Its not blue, its gray" I was like "Its BLUE" lol
So to avoid the threat of a F if I wasn't "honest" on my project I made my eyes gray.
I think she was color blind... they are BLUE... everyone says they are BLUE BLUE BLUE lol

and Im strange too... No one tells me but I get looks..... lol
We should start a strange club :) Only strange people can join!!!

Vuarra

Mar 25, 2007, 8:14 PM

We should start a strange club :) Only strange people can join!!!

And just what would we do with the one "normal" person who can't join?

Herbwoman39

Mar 25, 2007, 11:09 PM

And just what would we do with the one "normal" person who can't join?

That's easy. We'd corrupt them so that they were "strange" like us ;)

As for the original topic, human beings feel the need to label everything in order to understand whatever it is. We codify and define everything until there is no mystery left. Everything tied up neatly with a little red bow.

Personally, I prefer some mystery in my life so I'm working on letting people and things be whatever they are.

Cerealk

Mar 25, 2007, 11:37 PM

And just what would we do with the one "normal" person who can't join?

I dont think this "normal" person even exists, its a myth really :)

TorontoGuy2007

Mar 26, 2007, 1:32 AM

"tell me about yourself" is actually a common job interview question. i suppose what we decide to give as answers are the traits, beliefs, values, and accomplishments that we feel are most important and most influential to us.

darkeyes

Mar 26, 2007, 3:51 PM

I was discussing this with my flatmate tonight and she got very exasperated with my elaborations and complexities and general drivel speak. She finally grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the hall.. she stood me in front of the mirror and said "That's the essential Fran...that and all it contains. Dont try and analyse it.. you will get it wrong. Dont try and analyse anyone else. You will get that wrong also!" I am not sure she is right but it has made me think a bit about just how much we have to analyse everything and everyone and question just whether it is entirely wise.

Tommy2020

Mar 26, 2007, 4:18 PM

I am 'me' because I choose to be 'me' at that moment. Above all things though, I am truly honest with myself at each moment. Should I choose to be less than candid, it is only for a 'defensive mode' that I deem necessary for the moment. Like, I am less than candid when being confronted by those who define themselves as totally straight in order to survive. However, when with my wife, a few close friends, and my current male friend, I am 'me' for that moment and honest to boot. I mean, how can you hide your true self when you are with those whom you trust.
I once read that we are merely the sum total of all experiences that we endure throughout our lives and how we come through those experiences, defines who we are.
Hope I got that across okay. This was a great post and following thread.
Tommy2020