....because of the kids.

[innaminka]

My sister opened up to me last night over the phone about her marriage.
She's 2 years older, been married 19+years - 3 kids, 17, 14, 12. (She's 46 - the 3rd child was a wonderful accident)
She confessed to how bad her marraige was (which I sort of knew, but as she has a temper, I sometimes tippy-toe around the subject)
Its just stale. No common interests, no real communication, no sex, no real love. They're comfortable with each other when they have company, but alone, the talk just dries up.
She admits she doesn't love him; tho she does think he loves her in a "nice" sort of way. Sex has dried up between them; she wishes he'd have an affair so he could at least get some sex.
She has no interest.
And so on: those who have been there know exactly what I mean.
When I asked her why she doesn't separate, she said they've talked about it but decided to stay together till the youngest leaves school. - That's another 6 years!!
There's no violence or anything like that, but its sad that 2 dynamic people have been reduced to hollow shells.
How many couples I wonder have lived this scenario? To stay in a stale relationship because of the children?

[tink1978]

I am sorry, I will not be able to live in that environment. As for staying together for the kids, give me a break most of the time kids know what is going on before we do. I would separate. I talked to my husband and he agrees with me, if we are no longer having fun neither are the kids and the kids will be better off with two parents who are happy than two parents that are just putting on an act.

the is my 2 cents

Tink

[Rhuth]

Just the other day I told my husband that my leaving him would hurt the kids more than it would help me. Being in charge of other people's lives is a huge responsibility and you always put your kid's lives before your own. There is no physical abuse or yelling to disrupt the children. They need us, and we are willing to give up everything for them.

Relationships change. The kind of love you hear in the songs is new love. It's exciting, and makes for terrific fairy tales. There is a reason the expression "the honeymoon is over" exists though. An evolved relationship in a period of just existing is hardly worth writing a song about.

Next month will be 13 years of marriage. He is actively working on every issue I could complain about. The least I can do is to work on it too. Yes, that leaves me feeling like a hallow shell right now, but maybe we will get through it, and the relationship will change for the better. We never know until we try. We're doing a hell of a lot of trying right now.

[TorontoGuy2007]

marriage councilling could potentially help them rekindle the love and passion they once had. they need to try new things together, maybe take a vacation together.. maybe spice things up. do something romantic or sexy with each other now and then. it doesn't have to be this way. i know many older couples that rekindle their love and romance.. tell her not to give up hope..

[Bi-ten]

Hi,

This is a tough one, yes kids need us, and yes we need to be happy. The more I think, the more I believe that this happiness cannot be found in anyone but ourselves. So my first suggestion is to try everything possible to find that happiness inside. Get all the help you need, books, therapists, retreats, vacations, exhaust all avenues.

That being said, there are some times in life when loving ourselves and our kids means leaving someone else...for the sake of everyone involved. We have tried many avenues, yet the relationship does not fulfill even our basic needs, it could be abusive, hurtful or stifling. In this case you need to work together to part ways in the most loving way possible. The kids need both parents, and need to feel like they are loved, even though Mom and Dad will not be living together anymore. They need to understand that the separation is not their fault, it is just something that needs to happen. This is the hardest thing you will have to do...trust me.

I am separated after 19 years, and my kids are adjusting...they are happy and so am I, but this is not an easy road, it takes a lot of courage to walk it. If your sister needs to leave the relationship, or find what she is looking for outside of it, she has to understand the pain it will cause. She will also need to know that this pain will pass, and maybe everyone will be happier in the end.

I hope some of this helps.

All the best.

Sal

[tibbar_eht]

Talking as one who had thier parents divorce when I was young I say as long as there is not any physical or mental hazard to either partner. Staying together would be a better option. I have issues now raising my own family because I didn't have the influance of my father. Just my :2cents:

Cheers

[Solomon]

i hafta say that parents who claim to stay together only for the kids are kidding themselves and everyone that they lay that claim on, and normally they're not above laying it on the kids!

there's all kinds of excuses in the world, making kids into an excuse is just setting them up to keep the cycle going.

[nothings5d]

they need to try new things together, maybe take a vacation together..
As Lennier on Babylon 5 said, "A darkness in the heart cannot be cured by moving the body from one place to another." If two people have fallen out of love for each other taking a vacation won't help the matter, and might even make it worse.

[12voltman59]

As a sngle person I have witnessed from a distance many such cases---

not only do people "stay together for the kids" but they also do because "I could not stand to be alone and as bad as things are with us--I'd rather have a terrible marriage than none at all"

Such comments simply flabbergast me and it does make me wonder what they think of me because I am single---am I somehow less of a person to them since I "am just a single person" and not part of that greatest of human states of being--in a marriage?

Hell--for me--I would rather live my life alone if the alternative is that once I am with one person--we are then thethered together till the day one or both of us breathes our last......

Being single is not such a bad thing...

[Bi-Curious1]

I remember when I was a child, I knew about my parents problems with their marriage long before the divorce came. They used to try and fight while my sister and I were not around or late at night, but, that did not hide the attitudes during the day while we were around. It was not physical and there was not any violence in the home, but, I can remember wishing that they would just separate so that we all could be happy again even though they had been married 14 years. Children understand a whole lot more than we give them credit for. Perhaps having a family talk about what is going on could help and please try not to blame or verbally attack one another in front of the children. (I speak from experience on that one) The kids will always love the both of you, even as teenagers who proclaim their hatred of their parents. (I am sure we all said it at least once as kids.) I do not know if any of us can help you or if we are just confusing you even worse, but, I do hope that the situation does indeed get better and if nothing else.....reading this board will let you know that you are not alone.


PEACE~N~LOVE