How do you mourne the loss of a loved one

[imtiffanys]

I just recently lost a good friend.. My sister had known her more than i had but it does not make it any easier.. I was reading the headlines of my home town newspaper on the web, i had no idea she had passed until today. She was shot in her own home by her ex boyfriend who could not take it that she left him. After he shot and killed her "multiple times" he turned the gun on himself and pulled the trigger. I also knew the man we had talked over several years. Just thought i would post this in order to get it off my chest and hopefully my mind. tiff :(

[jedinudist]

Sorry to hear of such tragedy. We wish you peace and comfort as you cope with this senseless loss.

[Tommy2020]

May a warm sun grace your face and a gentle breeze be at your back during your days of grieving.......
:grouphug:
Tommy2020

[TidewaterVA1]

It is hard,
and much harder I think if you were intiment with her. I guess I am weird that way, I feel that once I have been with a male of female and I swallow their cum, I have them in me, and with me.

[Mrs.F]

Mourning a loved one is probably the most difficult thing there is to go through. I've lost some friends from high school and my grandparents but it wasn't until I lost my dad in October,06 that I felt what REAL loss and grieving was. It's so hard when it's tragic and horrible. My dad fell off the back of his semi trailer while putting a new tarp over the top. Something he had done many times before....something just wasn't right this time. He spent 2 weeks on a vent, in an induced coma and finally his lungs, kidneys and other organs were failing past the point of return. We had to shut off the life support.
I think it's been the worst pain I have EVER felt. My dad was 59 and he was suppose to be here to enjoy his retirement and grandkids.
I've learned that talking about it helps. Looking at pictures helps. I often talk to the pictures. I cry.....I never fight the tears, obviously I need to let them out and usually feel better when I'm done. It's a day by day struggle. It get's easier but it never goes away! March 22nd will be 5 months since he passed. Life is different now, you learn to adjust and move on...what else can you do. Your still living and life must go on!!!
I'm very sorry for your loss and it most deffinately was tragic and stupid. There were so many other choices he could have made...he picked the wrong choice and hurt more then just himself and her. Take care! :angel: :grouphug:

[bi-robin-calif]

I'm sorry for your troubles.

My mother died of cancer almost 30 years ago. I no longer grieve, but the loss will always be with me.

[Herbwoman39]

My husband lost his mother nine years ago to an insidious, degenerative central nervous system disease. For a long time he was in denial until one afternoon he picked up the phone to call her to ask her for her clam dip recipe and remembered that she wouldn't be there to pick up.

Grief comes in waves and you just have to learn to ride them as they come. It takes time. Be sure to give yourself that gift. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. there is no "wrong" emotion. It just is.

Take care of yourself. Peace will come in time.

[imtiffanys]

Thanks everyone for your kind words.. I never had intimate relations with her.. She was actually my sisters friend, but had baby sitted her a couple times when she was young.. I'm hurt and will miss her, but my sister is the most torn up about it she went to school with her.. Again thanks everyone.. tiff :( :female: :angel:

[TorontoGuy2007]

wow, i'm really sorry to hear about this...

when people die young and/or unexpectedly, it certainly can be much more emotionally painful. take some time to allow yourself to cry and get it all out. talk to others about these people if it helps you cope. it's never good to bottle up feelings.

try to pick a certain time to grieve and certain times that you won't grieve.. ie try not to let it monopolize your thoughts 24/7 (although i know it is tough)..

try to keep busy and spend time with family and friends, spend time doing the things you love, hobbies, sports, etc..

overall, loss takes time to get over. there's no easy way..

[flexuality]

Mourning a loved one is probably the most difficult thing there is to go through. I've lost some friends from high school and my grandparents but it wasn't until I lost my dad in October,06 that I felt what REAL loss and grieving was. It's so hard when it's tragic and horrible. My dad fell off the back of his semi trailer while putting a new tarp over the top. Something he had done many times before....something just wasn't right this time. He spent 2 weeks on a vent, in an induced coma and finally his lungs, kidneys and other organs were failing past the point of return. We had to shut off the life support.
I think it's been the worst pain I have EVER felt. My dad was 59 and he was suppose to be here to enjoy his retirement and grandkids.
I've learned that talking about it helps. Looking at pictures helps. I often talk to the pictures. I cry.....I never fight the tears, obviously I need to let them out and usually feel better when I'm done. It's a day by day struggle. It get's easier but it never goes away! March 22nd will be 5 months since he passed. Life is different now, you learn to adjust and move on...what else can you do. Your still living and life must go on!!!
I'm very sorry for your loss and it most deffinately was tragic and stupid. There were so many other choices he could have made...he picked the wrong choice and hurt more then just himself and her. Take care! :angel: :grouphug:

I lost my dad 4 years ago in a very tragic and senseless way too. I still cry sometimes....

I wrote a story (hmmm...only 700 words....not really a story) about it in an effort to deal with some of the senselessness of it and the pain.

Don't know if I should post it here or not....

Sometimes it helps to know we're not alone....but I don't want to make things worse for anyone either.

[tink1978]

tiff,

I just want to say how sorry i am for the loss of your friend. And say that we all grieve in different ways. After the unexpected death of my youngest at 15 days old due to a blood clot I did not think I could go on, but I had his twin brother and older brother waiting for me at home. It has been 2 years since Matthew has been gone and there is not a day or time that I do not think about him.

Remember the good times and never forget who they were and remember you will see them again one day in the not to far off future.


Tink :( :three: :grouphug:

[julie]

...such a tragic senseless shocking loss.

...such a cold anonymous hollow way to learn of this loss.

...my thoughts are with you and your sister as the stark reality of such begins to sink in.

...love Julie x

[Solomon]

the tears, an hurt'll end in good time. sorry to hear of your loss.

[Long Duck Dong]

I wanna share a saying * a person is never truly dead, until the last memory of them is forgotten *

nothing in this world can bring back the ones we have loved and lost, but as long as we don't forget them, they live on in our hearts and minds....

[sexybicplinwv]

I to have lost a lot of friends along the way of life's jouney. Just Tuesday morning i lost a long time childhood friend. One of the last times we were together we were laughing so hard that we both was crying. That seem like it was just a week ago. :( ((((Always be true to yourself))) :flag3: :female:

[imtiffanys]

I just wanna say thanks for everyones comments and nice words. I know life will go on and it will take time for healing.. She will be missed and still will be love by everyone. Her graduating class posted her last essey on the school bullington. again thanks everyone ;)

[jamiehue]

My husband lost his mother nine years ago to an insidious, degenerative central nervous system disease. For a long time he was in denial until one afternoon he picked up the phone to call her to ask her for her clam dip recipe and remembered that she wouldn't be there to pick up.

Grief comes in waves and you just have to learn to ride them as they come. It takes time. Be sure to give yourself that gift. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. there is no "wrong" emotion. It just is.

Take care of yourself. Peace will come in time.
Grief comes in waves......so perfect thankyou h.w.

[flexuality]

I to have lost a lot of friends along the way of life's jouney. Just Tuesday morning i lost a long time childhood friend. One of the last times we were together we were laughing so hard that we both was crying. That seem like it was just a week ago. :( ((((Always be true to yourself))) :flag3: :female:

I am very sorry to hear of your loss too.

[trip1]

I lost my best buddy. There was one year between us and he died at 35. We were friends from grade one and we could count on each other anytime. Nothing sexual but just cover each others back friends. When he died the only way I could deal with it was to know he was watching out for me from above. That might sound like simple thinking but I know somehow it's true and that's got me through...

[darkeyes]

When death has come into my life I have been a disaster and rather hysterical. Its not something I am able to handle well. My best friend on the other hand handles it naturally and beautifully and with a compassion I have rarely seen.

When at school, Jo was 1 of 4 friends who were inseperable. I didnt meet her until we were 18 so while we are best friends when these 4 got together I was something of an outsider. Last year sadly one of them died suddenly at the age of 25. The three devastated friends were shattered by her death, but it was Jo who pulled them together and somehow got them through it. It was she who was the greatest comfort to their friend's partner and parents and it was she who got the 3 to decide how best to pay tribute to their friend.

After discussing the three friends sat down a wrote a poem, and at the funeral read it out to the mourners reciting the first and last verses together and each taking a verse upon themselves. Quite simply this poem had me in floods and I found it so beautiful and a moving tribute to their great friend. As one who writes poetry myself, I hope that some day I too can convey the sense of love, loss, emotion and simple friendship that Jo Lyn and Alice brought together in that tribute to their mate!

With their kind permission, I print it here as my tribute to my best friend, her mates, but most of all to their beloved friend. Would that I inspire such love when my time comes.


For Char

Four were we
Daft Joanne, Alice legs
Skinny Lyn, Charlotte toothy pegs
Four were we
Surely always be
Now in life down to three

Four were we
A gaggle of giggles
Dressed to kill with wonderful wiggles
"Watch out lads we are on our way
Four million dollars
You cant afford to pay"

Four were we
Close great friends
Driving all we touched round the bend
Shopping sprees on placcie cards
Wild nights out in clubs and bars
Mornings after like lumps of lard

Four were we
Allie Jo Lyn and Char
One down now life is hard
Please dont let it be
That when we go
We are not again Char Allie Lyn and Jo

But wait still four are we
In heart and mind it can only be
Four forever in our favourite bar
Lyn Jo Alice and our lovely Char


And yes..it still makes me sob like a silly idiot!

[flexuality]

This is what I wrote to deal with my Dad's death, trying to make sense of it...I, too, still feel it very deeply whenever I read it...




The Hunter Becomes The Prey

I put down the phone in absolute silence. I couldn’t speak. All I could think about was my Dad sitting at the big old plank kitchen table he had made, eating home made apple pie trying not to laugh at some smart-ass remark I had just made. He had a strange little snorting noise he made that was about as close to laughter as he seemed able to manage. Growing up, it had always been quite an accomplishment to evoke this elusive snort of his.

I had known about the cancer for a while. My brother was the only person in the family who had fairly consistent contact with my Dad since he had walked out of our lives nine years earlier. It was bone cancer, my brother had told me, and while not fatal could be very painful.

I don’t think either one of us were too worried. After all, this was our Dad, who had gone skiing only one week after major back surgery at the age of 58. The same man who figured life didn’t get any better than a cabin in the middle of nowhere with a hunting rifle.

He had been a hunting guide in his youth and his idea of gourmet eating was freshly shot grouse. I remember him telling us that there wasn’t much meat on squirrels or robins and that bear was pretty good eating if it was young enough.

He went hunting every year when I was a kid. Plenty of moose and venison in our house, until the year he brought home his prized moose. That thing had the biggest set of antlers I had ever seen and a snout covered in battle scars. My mom tried to cook the meat from this monstrosity, but the smell of the meat was enough to strip the paint off the walls. I swear that the only reason my Dad was able to take down such an enormous moose was that it was so old, it was looking for a place to die. My Dad ended up giving the meat to my uncle for his German Sheppard and the dog wouldn’t eat it either.

As I sat there, my hand still on the phone, my thoughts went back a few months. My Dad had come over. It was only the second time I had seen him in nine years. The first time was shortly after he had left and it wasn’t a pleasant memory.

There we sat, on the back porch having an actual conversation. I don’t remember ever having a conversation with my Dad that was more than fifteen words before that. He and I had a strange relationship when I was growing up. We seldom spoke. He never hugged me. He gave no lectures or advice. He was just kind of there, yet I loved him dearly.

That day on my back porch, we talked for hours. At one point, I recalled that I still had a vest of his that he had had made from that old moose and I brought it out and gave it to him. He cried. My Dad actually cried. When it came time for him to go, he hugged me.

There was a lifetime in those few hours. There was a connection and a bond that there are no words for. It was the first time my Dad hugged me. It was also the last.

As I took my hand away from the phone, I realized that my husband was looking at me with great concern. I tried to speak. All I could hear were the words my brother’s wife had said on the phone.

Then the tears came. I didn’t think they would ever stop. Apparently, the cancer had become so painful that my Dad could barely do anything. The mighty hunter had become the prey.

The tears flowed around the words. “Dad died. He took his own life.” I could barely get the next few words out as I sat there stunned, remembering the few hours we had together that I will always be thankful for.

Amidst the tears, the memories and the pain I said “He used his rifle.”

[shadowsaffinity]

i am so incredibly sorry to hear that this happened.

my sister got killed in a car accident 4 years ago. i really don't think you ever really get over something like this, but it's best if you can take the horrible loss of life and try to learn from it. i personally decided then and there to really start living my life. my sister didn't get a chance to live her life, so i was going to live mine twice as much for her. i went to grad school, moved to new york & now have the mission of making the world better for other people. i still think about her every day and sometimes miss her so much it makes me sick. i did make a website in her memory and i got a tattoo on the 1 year anniversary of when she died. every year for her birthday and the anniversary of when she was killed, i do something special. i play special music, light candles, release balloons, etc. i always used to visit her at the cemetary, but now i live in a different state.

my thoughts are with you. i'm so sorry for your loss.

[imtiffanys]

Your all are so sweet. You know how to make someone feel better.. and that poem omg that made me cry.. and the story about the dad omg.. that made me cry more.. In the past 6 years i have had bad luck.. My mom got sick with cancer and she almost died.. she's better the cancer is gone and now from the radiation it killed her vains in her neck leading to her brain make her have mini strokes.. she doesn't drive anymore she doesn't do anything anymore and she's only 40. She's always been strong.. seeing her this way is hurting me.. after the cancer her husband divorced her. she's back with him now. then after that i divorced it was nasty. one thing that has come out of it is my bf.. he's great.. i take alot out on him and now my friend dies and i'm being a total bitch to him.. I don't mean to it's just all the stress and heartache.. I don't see my mom anymore i talk to her though... i moved away from tn i had to in order to find myself... I haven't really found myself though. Hard to with all that's going on.. Now i'm finding my bi side and it gets me through because i have fun actually i'm having fun.. I'm constantly thinking about my friend that died... i knew her when she was young... she was a sweet heart.. I had found out that the last essay that she wrote her graduating glass posted it and read it at her wake. Thanks again everyone... I don't really have anyone down here in fl.. my bf he listens when i spill my thoughts but he doen't comment.. so it feels nice to have all of you all to hear me and actually comment... Thanks.. you all have helped me out alot. tiff ;)

[meteast chick]

Tiff,

Just wanted to tell you that you did the right thing in posting it and getting it off your chest. Whether you were truly close to this person or not actually is little consequence. The fact is, she meant something to you and you have good memories of her. Keep that with you. I'm in no position to advise someone on grieving, I'm the worst. I block myself off, shun comfort and if they try I bite their heads off. It's how I deal. Everybody grieves differently, some want surrounded by friends, some have to do it themselves. Your bf sounds great. You are obviously realizing what you are doing, and if you have a min or 2 when you aren't feeling that way, jot a note to tell him how much you appreciate his support. Just an idea.

Anyway, obviously the world has lost yet another one who didn't deserve to go, but we all have a plan. It's fate...kismet. The grand design.

On that note, I may just have to scream my head off in my car on my way to work just to let it out.

luv and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxoxox
meteast