Not sure

[toomler]

Hello everybody,

i'm from the Netherlands, so please forgive me the bad spelling ;) I'm a 30 year old male and i'm very confused about my sexuality. As long as i know i like woman in a sexual way. I fantasize and dream about them, get exited from straigt porn and like having sex with woman (not all). But i also know that there is a part of me that is a bit gay. I'm not a macho guy, sometimes get discusted by men how act very straight, don't connect with them. I sometimes get chills when seeing an attractive men. When i see some gay men i sometimes feel connected with them in an emotional way. But i have never had fantasies about having sex with men. I don't get horny by seeing 2 men kissing eathother. I think i'm straigt for about 70 % and bisexual for 30 % (but mostely in an emotional way and not in a sexual way.) Everywhere i spent some time in my life (school, work, sports etc.) i noticed that there are people who think of me as 100 % gay, also gay people think about me that way. And that bothers me and makes me very insecure.

At this moment i'm depressed by some thinks that bother me, and i go to a psychiatrist (i don't even know how to spell that in Dutch, let alone Englisch). But the one thing that comes to my mind everytime is the fact that my depression is mainly being caused by me insecurity about my sexuality and the fact that put away my feelings about that since puberty untill now.

Does this sound familiar to somebody? And what does it mean? I would like some comment of you because i cannot give my feelings a place at this moment.

Greetings

[noostoo]

Hi Toomler

I just wrote something on another thread which I think is a bit appropriate:



About 15 years ago a lesbian friend of mine (who is also a psychologist and social worker) said that a large part of sexuality was choice-based.

I didn't really understand this at all until the last few weeks when I've started to question my sexuality after a few therapy sessions when my therapist asked me if I thought I might be gay or bi. My initial answer was "of course not". I had hung out in gay clubs quite a lot over the years with gay and lesbian friends and always thought that I understood and was comfortable with my sexuality. But she pressed me a bit and asked me to think about it and so I have been.

One of the things we had discussed was that I had always had an aversion to looking at porn with men in it and didn't feel comfortable looking at naked men at all. I always had this fear of being gay hanging around at the back of my mind while on the surface I had had many gay friends and was comfortable around them.

So here's the choice bit.... two weeks ago I decided to consider myself bisexual and see where it took me. First of all I went looking at pictures of naked men and progressed onto looking at all kinds of gay porn. At the same time I looked at men everywhere and tried to establish what I found attractive in a man. This has only been going on for two weeks but it seems much longer and I've learned a lot about myself in such a short time. Women still turn my head in the streets but all my fantasies have focused on men. I might make the gay assumption next and see where that takes me.

Making this choice has allowed me to explore myself given a basic assumption about my sexuality and I haven't had to wrestle with any negatives about it while making the (continuing) journey.


To be honest I surprised how easy this has been for me but I know that it's far from settled in my mind and I think I'm the same as you in that a lot of my depression over the years has been down to me repressing this side of myself.

I suppose where we differ (at the moment) is that since I took this step I have been getting turned on by gay porn. And I have a big smile on my face at night when I imagine cuddling up to a man in bed.

Try to lose you inhibitions about viewing men sexually. I think it's only if you allow yourself to explore these ideas that you'll know one way or another.

[toomler]

Thanks Noostoo for the reaction!

I followed you're advice and i've watched some gay porn on the internet. To say it in a blunt way; I didn't get an erection. I do try to let go of my inhibitions and try to look at man in a sexual way. When i look at men in that way i sometimes get a weird feeling in my stomach; a combination of wanting to be and to look like them and a feeling of liking what i see. I also don't feel comfertable when a men dresses off in front of me (in a lockerroom) and notice i'm checking them out. But i don't get the feeling that i would like to kiss them or have sex with them. And that's the feeling i still get when looking at beautiful woman. I'm still confused. Is it me that puts away my bisexuality so far away because i don't wanna give in to it? or am i making myself crazy by thinking to much? I know for sure that i like woman in an sexual way. But it doesn't feel right when i'm saying out loud to myself i'm straight. It also doesn't feel good when i say i'm gay. When i say to myself i'm bisexual it feels better. But then the question still pops into my mind is why i don't wanna get intimid with a guy because that doesn't feel right. I really think that i can't get an erection when i was being intimid with a man.

What also plays a part is that fact that i'm very insecure about my manhood. I feel like a little boy always instead of a man. (i've small hands and feet, don't feel very though, sometimes a bit of a wimp etc.). There a lot of questions and i can not answer them right now. I hope i can in a wile and in the meantime i hope this forum helps me to get some answers.

[noostoo]

I suppose the best answer is not to get stressed about it. Although that is a hell of a lot easier said than done. I've spent half the morning crying every time I think of some of my habits from over the years where I've repressed my sexuality so I certainly don't have all the answers. I suppose the best thing is to remember that there are no absolutes in sexuality and give it time.

Has your psychiatrist been any help with this? Therapy has been fantastic for me and has helped a lot.

[ambi53mm]

Hi Toomler and Welcome to Bisexual. Com. You’ve come to a great place to learn about yourself because here you’ll find people very similar to yourself. Here you will find people that share your insecurities, as well as your inhibitions and thoughts about the broad and sometimes confusing nature of sexuality and more specifically, bisexuality. You pose some interesting thoughts and feelings that many of us have felt or feel about our sexual natures at one time or another.
I believe you’ll find many answers here if not in the immediate, then perhaps overtime. Based on your previous posts, I believe you are where you need to be in the moment. Again Welcome

Ambi :)

[noostoo]

One more thing Toomler. I'm not sure if this will help as it's a little away from your concerns but this thread resonated a lot with me yesterday and a lot of my inhibitions about identifying as bisexual are expressed by others here:

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2631

[toomler]

thanks again for the reactions!

Although the English is very hard for me i do pick up some advices. I've got therapy for some other stuff that needs to get out of the way but i mentioned my doubts about my sexuality and she told me to take it easy and not to jump concusions to soon because there are some other problems i have to deal with and i can't deal with them al at ones. Tommorow i have the third session and then i will mention it again and try to get more out of it.

I do agree with the fact that bisexuality by woman is far more accepted in society as it is with men. (Hell i also like to see 2 beautiful woman having sex with eachother ;)

Maybe that a reason why i still can not accept the idea that i'm bisexual to.

I hope to get more answers for myself in the future and thanx again!

[heyoaktree]

I have almost always felt desire for men. However, I suppresed it for years. (partially because I was in the military) I have found that supressing my sexuality only lead to depression. To this day it still causes depression. I often wish that bisexuality would be accepted by society. I truly believe that if I had been more open when I was younger I would be happier today.

[toomler]

What do you mean with desire for men? Because i don't remenber that i had have desire for men in a sexual way. i can remember some moments that i had feelings for men (a teacher/ popstar) like feeling butterflies in my stomach. Could it be possible that you can deny youre feelings so hard that you don't get fantasies about having sex or kissing with men?

[noostoo]

What do you mean with desire for men? Because i don't remenber that i had have desire for men in a sexual way. i can remember some moments that i had feelings for men (a teacher/ popstar) like feeling butterflies in my stomach. Could it be possible that you can deny youre feelings so hard that you don't get fantasies about having sex or kissing with men?

As I think I said at the top, I've repressed my feelings about men for 30+ years. I had no idea until a month ago. Now a look back and see signs of the repression everywhere and the tragic thing is that central to all the repression was a confident feeling that I was comfortable with my sexuality. In the past I've read a lot of gay-themed literature and one of my favourite films is Cabaret but I managed to ignore the relevance to me and my subconscious feelings.

Just an idea but maybe some fiction would help you engage with that side of you. For me Armistead Maupin's, Tales of the City and Christopher Isherwood's Berlin Stories are fantastic and both obsessed me as a "straight" man. They would definitely be translated in Dutch.

Groetjes, noostoo

[shadowsaffinity]

i hear you on getting stressed out about what other people say and think about your sexuality, but it really does get easier.

in time, as you get to find out more about & accept who you are, you'll notice you care less and less what other people think.

plus, it's okay to not be sure. don't think that you have to figure everything out any sooner than you are ready.

plus keep in mind that (at least in my experience) lots of gay people like to tell bi people they are just gay since that is how they can relate, that is their experience and they apply it to other people. for example, i go to an all lgbt church with 400 members and i am THE ONLY BI PERSON!!! believe it or not. i also volunteer for an all lgbt hotline and i am THE ONLY BI PERSON. i am always assumed to be a lesbian and then when i come out as bi, people have actually told me that they have never met a bi person before and they tend to forget that it's a possibility since they look at the world in black and white. (speaking from reactions i have personally encountered, not to say all gay/lesbian people would react like this.)

[FalconAngel]

I will probably be repeating some of the things that others have said here, but here goes.

First off, don't worry about it. Let it happen and look into yourself and your upbringing as it relates to gender and sexuality.

Forget about the immersion therapy by getting into the gay porn thing. I have known that I was Bi since I was about 9 or 10 yo and gay porn rarely turns me on (and I really enjoy cock, as my wife can attest to). Just look at how you feel about it all and how you have been brought up to view it.

Realize that the straight community often feels threatened by Bisexuals and Gays and will tend to teach that it is bad, or as the right-wing Christians often tell us, a (horrendous) sin.

Being BI is neither a sin nor bad. It is as natural as being a living breathing life form. It is found in nature as often as not.

I say that you should explore your feelings about both women and men. Take action on them, within reason, of course, and within the bounds of the right situations.

[TorontoGuy2007]

lots of great advice on here from others, so i won't add much. but most importantly, don't let others opinions or predictions influence who you are or how you view yourself.

only you can truly identify your sexual orientation.

also, don't try to reach a conclusion about your sexual orientation based on your reaction from porn. i personally have no use for porn of any kind, and i have never become arroused from watching it. but this doesn't influence the fact that i am very attracted to men and women (i just don't enjoy watching others have sex, it makes me feel left out!)

as far as your attractions to men being mostly emotional, that is perfectly ok. some bisexuals will have a variety of different types of attractions to men than women. some desire love, romance, and sexual activity from one but only sexual activity from the other.

just do your best to sort out your feelings. don't feel depressed about it. being attracted to men and women can be wonderful. sit back and enjoy your fantacies and immagination.

if you desire a romantic or emotional relationship with another man, then that's great. hopefully you will be able to find a partner. if it is sexual activity that you feel you need, then there are certainly lots of willing partners out there for that too..