Your Favorite Joke

[Tommy2020]

Do you have a favorite joke? I have several and since some of the threads here have been a little guresome of late I thought maybe we could post some of our favs..... whadya say???

There were two, old fisherman sitting under a bridge fishing for catfish when a funeral procession rolled slowly across the bridge. One of the old guys stood up, took off his cap and held it over his heart. After the funeral procession had passed over, the other old fellow turned to the first and said, "My that was a very respectful thing you did... " To which the first replied, "Well it was the only thing I could do, we've been married for forty years."


Go ahead add one of your own. I'll bet one or two will make it around the water cooler.

Tommy2020 :bowdown:

[biwords]

These are hardly favorites, but picking up on Tommy's theme:

Englishman #1: Buried my wife today.

Englishman #2: That's awful, old chap!

Englishman #1 (shrugging): Had to. Dead, you know.

***

In French a hat is, of course, un chapeau, and a black hat is, naturally, un chapeau noir.

A "capeau", by contrast, is a condom.

An Englishman whose French is less than fluent (you're way ahead of me, aren't you?) walks into a Parisian department store hoping to buy a black hat and asks:

Englishman: Excusez-moi, mais je voudrais acheter un capeau noir.

Clerk: Un capeau noir, Monsieur? Pourquoi?

Englishman: Ma femme est mort.

Clerk: Ah, Monsieur! Quelle finesse! [Such style!]

[grant_33]

A man is granted a wish by a genie. The man says, "I would like a bridge to be built from California to Hawaii, so I don't have to fly there when I want to visit."

The genie says, "That is impossible. The amount of engineering that would have to go into that would make it impossible to build. Make another wish."

The man thinks, then says, "Well, if I can't have the bridge, I want to truly be able to understand women. How they think, how they feel, why they do the things they do. I want to understand everything there is to know about them."

The genie replies, "Would you like two lanes or four?"

[bohemian69]

Okay - I have a couple of them -
An old cowboy, dressed to kill, with his cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, and chaps, went to the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady say down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him "Are you a cowboy?" to which he replied: "Well, I have spent my whole life on a ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied: "Well I've never been on a ranch, so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch t.v., everything seems to make me think of women."
A short time later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to the cowboy and asked him "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." :eek:


There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of the women think their ass is to fat....

10% of the women think their ass is too skinny....

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
(I have not asked my better half into which percentage she would put me in :bigrin: )

[biwords]

Cowboys, eh?

It's high noon in Tombstone. A naked cowboy walks down the main street. Well, not quite naked, he has his boots on.

Sheriff steps in front of him, asks him what the hell he thinks he's doing.

Cowboy says: Well, it's like this, Sheriff. Some ways off of here I'm buying some gear in a store. This little filly behind the counter sees me and motions for me to come into the back room. So I go. She says to me, "Take off yer hat". So I do. She says, "Take off yer vest and pants". So I do. She says "Pull them underpants down". So I do. Then she strips off all her own clothes, sets down on the floor on all fours with her bee-hind facin' me, looks over her shoulder with a wink and says, "OK now, cowboy--go to town!". So here I am.

[bi-robin-calif]

An engineering student at Stanford was on his way to class when he saw another engineering student riding a new bicycle.

"Hi, Mike," he said. "Where'd you get the bike?"

"You won't belive this! I was just heading back from the library when this absolutely gorgeous red-head stopped in front of me, got off the bike, and took off all of her clothes. Then she put her hands on my chest, smiled at me, and told me I could have anything I wanted. So I took the bike."

His buddy replied, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

[imtiffanys]

Little Jimmy was outside ridding his big wheel around and around the yard.. every now and then he would stop eat some M&Ms grab the cat up and bit him on the ear.. well he went around and around the house stopped ate some M&Ms grabbed the cat up and bit it on the ear. well he did that a couple more times and his momma said little jimmy what are you doing.. he said momma momma i'm playing truck driver, haulen ass, poppen pills, and eating pussy.

I heard that from a truck driver on the cb a couple months back, thought it was very funny :tongue: tiff

[TaylorMade]

A son comes home from college with a confession - -and finds his mother cooking - -he says to his mom, "Momma, I gotta tell you something. I'm gay."

She nods. "So, this means you have sex with men?"

A little shy, the son responds..."Yes, yes I do."

She nods. "And you like it?"

A little afraid, he responds honestly..."Yes, yes I do."

She nods again . . ."That includes oral sex too?"

Now the son is freaked out, but still answers honestly. . . "Yeah."

A thoughtful expression . . . and another question, "And you swallow?"

The son figures... may as well tell the whole truth. "Yeah, I do."

The mother stops stirring her pot... and without a word, reaches over and whacks her son over the head with her cooking spoon. "What was that for, Momma?"

She shook her head, her eyes flinty..."Son, now that I know you've tasted a man ... NEVER complain about my cooking again!"

*Taylor*

[siraussietosser]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married ...

The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 'Midnight'. He didn't seem concerned at all.

Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why. He said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh Crap.', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
:bigrin:

[yoyo4u]

Cannibals are dining.

"I don't like my mother-in-law!"
"Well....than just eat the noodles!"

:) :) :) :)
yoyo

[Domino]

What's green and melt's in your mouth?

A lepers cock.

[DÆMØN]

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest.
“Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.” :bigrin:

[bi-robin-calif]

Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One of them looked at the other one and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[yoyo4u]

"Doctor, please help me! I have a problem with my memory!"
"Since when do you have this problem?"
"What problem!?"

:)

[donlemunyon]

o.k. .... a horse walks into a bar, and the bar-tender says.......
Hey, why the long face?



Why did the lollypop cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.


I know, lame...never make Letterman :(


all he knows, bows and exits stage left....

[Long Duck Dong]

why are there more lesbians in the world than gay males ???

cos females don't fuck assholes... they marry them

******************************************

a gentleman picks up a lady of the night and they head back to her place
quickly undressing, they get on the bed and the gentleman starts to eat pussy
after a few moments, he feels something hard between his lips, and spits out a piece of carrot.... pulling a face, he looks at the lady, then continues...
yet again, he gets something hard in his mouth and spits out a piece of a bean....again he gives her a odd look.... and continues.... yet again, he feels something hard and spits out a piece of potato, finally hes had enuf....he looks at the lady and asks, " are you sick or something ?? " she shakes her head..." no, i'm not sick... but the guy before you, was "

************************************************** ********

Whats is the worse thing about unemployment ????

trying to get a leg over ya gf while her husband is not working

************************************************** ********

two gays were in the bedroom, going hard.... the * bottom * getting his ass pounded hard, when his partner groaned and cums....the * top* smiles, and says " I am going to the kitchen to get a drink then its your turn to cum "
he goes away and comes back to find the roof and walls covered in cum.." he frowns at his partner who is still laying on the bed on his back, and says " i thought i told you not to cum til i got back ", the * bottom * replied " i didn't cum, I farted "

[Solomon]

y is it that a flock of canadian geese is flying overhead and they're flying in a perfect v formation, except that one leg is shorter than the other?

'cuz it's an even number of ducks

that was told to me by a mentor to illustrate to me to always look for the simple answer.

[bi-robin-calif]

This here good ol' boy wakes up one morning and goes in to the bathroom to take take of his usual morning business. He looks down at the business in hand and sees it's bright orange!

He lets out a scream, and as soon as he's done, he calls his doctor to make an appointment.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. But let me do some tests."

All of the tests come back negative. Except for his orange creamsickle, the man is in perfect health. So the doctor asks some more questions.

"Are you married?"

"No."

"Got a girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"A boyfriend?"

"No."

"Well, that pretty much rules out STDs. So tell me more about yourself. What do you do for entertainment?"

"Oh, you know--stay home, watch porn, eat Cheetos..."

[yoyo4u]

Guys eating lunch.

One goes to another "Hey, you look terrible".
That's interesting, because I feel good!" comes the reply.
But now, all of them on by one either nod their head in aggreemnet.

The accused takes his palm-phone-internet-gizmo to search for >loooks terrible - feels good< and a few seconds later he screams in disbelief "Oh My GOD! I am a pussy!"

:tongue:
yoyo

[yoyo4u]

Cannibal-Dad dragging home a casket.....
Seeing it, the kids excuitedly run into the house and shout "Mommy, Mommy! We gonna have canned food today!"

yoyo :tongue:

[spartca]

With polyamory you can have your Kate and Edith too! :)

[Flounder1967]

A guys walks into a bar with pig under his arm. Then a priest, rabbi, monk walk in. After that a snail, mushroom and horse walk into a bar. The bartendar says "What is this a joke or something".

[NWMtnHawk]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the
monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,"Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says,"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight but,
ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[yoyo4u]

Late night, knock on the door....

The guy opens it up, looks outside and sees nobody around.
Just about slamming the door when he hears this faint voice from the ground "Hey! I'm right here!"
He looks down and there is a snail. He picks it up and goes "What the fuck, a talking snail!" than he throws it away.

Three years later there is a knock on the door, the guy opens it up and.....there is the snail again, saying "Hey, what was that about?"

yoyo

[smokey]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he is sitting here he notices a gallon jar behind the bar stuffed solid with five, ten, twenty, fifty and one hundred dollar bills.
He says hey bartender you must make some great tips here.
The bartender looks up and says Oh... thats our challenge jar. We have 3 challenges and if you meet all 3 all the money in that jar is yours.
Oh really says the man what are the challenges?
The bartender replies the first one is to knock our bouncer tiny out with one blow.
The guy looks over to see this 6ft7in bouncer in Hells Angels leather and a beard half way down his chest grinning at him.
Oh... whats the second challenge?
Well says the bartender there is this pit bull terrier out back with a bad tooth... it hurts him something terrible and no one can get near him. You would have to pull his tooth.
OH... and what is the third challenge?
There's this old woman who hasn't gotten any in 20 years and she pesters all the men... you got to go take care of her.
I see says the man as he downs his drink and orders another one.
He sits there for a while staring at the jar full of money downing drink after drink. Finally he gets up walks over to Tiny and belts him as hard as he can and Tiny goes down. The man walks back to the bar shaking his hand...damn that hurt bartender give me another drink. After a few more he asks where the dog is and he goes out back.
There is a terrible noise shrieking and howling, barking and screaming. Finally the man comes back in this clothes are ripped off one are is all but chewed off and he is covered in bites and scratches.
Bartender says the man give me another drink and show me where the old woman is who needs her tooth pulled. :bigrin:

[anne27]

Just a joke I heard today~



A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any
specials
today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink,
invented
by a gynecologist patron of ours.


It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

[yoyo4u]

The latest craze in weightloss techniques!

Big old room, beautiful naked babe in great physical shape, with a sign "If you catch me, you can fuck me!"


As always, they now offer upgraded membership too.

Big old room, huge naked black guy in great physical shape, with a sign "If I catch you, I fuck you!"

yoyo :)

[Trinity-Fl]

A blond and a brunette are walking down the street and the brunette sees her boy friend in a florist shop buying a bouquet of roses.

"Damn!" she says. "He's in there buying flowers again!"

The blond looks bewildered and says, "I thought that was a good thing. Why are you upset?"

The brunette says, "Well, he'll bring those over tonight and for the next three days I'll be on my back with my legs in the air."

To which the blond asks, "You don't have a vase?"

[Mudblood]

An guy walks into a bar...



...and says "ouch."

[Toad82]

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?





Nice Belt!




I love that joke.

[yoyo4u]

"Doctor, please help me! My wife doesn't want to make love to me!"
"Don't worry about it! She doesn't want to make love to me either!"


yoyo :)

[Doggie_Wood]

A Madame who is retiring gathers her wealthiest Johns together and offers $1000, a case of Jack Black and a screw when ever they want it - IF someone can come up with a rhyme that sounds like hers. They all agree.

She says: Two plus two is four, four plus five is nine,
I know the length of yours,
but you don't know the depth of mine.

They all thought for over an hour - but alas, no one could match her ryme.
She leaves and on her way home she sees this young college stud on the corner. "Hey sonny! If you can think of a rhyme that sounds like mine, I'll give you a blow job, $100 and a bottle of whiskey." He agrees.
So again she says;

Two plus two is four, four plus five is nine,
I know the length of yours,
but you don't know the depth of mine.

The college stud immediatley replys with;

Two plus two is four, four plus five is nine,
I can piss in yours, but
You can't piss in mine.