Help... Am I a Bisexual or Lesbian? For Women only :)

[deletetacount123]

First let me say I don't mean any fights in this thread... Im simply trying to figure out still if Im bisexual or really a lesbian.... If you don't like what I said, BACK BUTTON!! :)

Now....

Im still trying to figure out things and Im still confused.

I have never had sex with a woman, other than fooling around with my adopted sister a few times when we were younger and a female friend in highschool. Nothing BIG tho either (as in oral, going all the way!)

All my life I have always been grossed out by the sight of penis. I first saw Penis in the 1982's movie "Personal Best" and I was 7 (one of my older brothers accidently put it away on the kids shelf)
And I remember being VERY into the 2 women scene... even rewinded to watch again!! Another scene they showed a male's penis and I remember thinking it was the grossest thing Ive ever seen in my short life!!! (remember, I was 7)

I played dolls as every girl do but my dolls were all female and loved each other. No male doll... I even recently asked my sister if we ever had a KEN and she thought for a moment and said "We did but never played with him.... I remember we gave him to a friend tho."

I love the men in my family and even had a couple male friends.
So no, I don't hate men.

I remember in school, bullies *sighs* especially the boys would always pick on me for no reason at all... I was always the loner, the shy quiet one in school so I pretty much left everyone alone.
In highschool, I never had anything nice to say about the boys while I could talk for hours about the girls!! lol
The girls locker room was one of my favortie places to be in. One reason was to avoid the guys hehe

I didn't really have anyone to talk to, Especially when I started hearing rumors that I was a "man hating lesbian"
I didn't think much about it cause I knew I liked guys... just not the ones at school. But I really wanted to talk to someone.
I tried to talk to mom who course shut me out with her famous "We're not having this converstation" talk. Hmph.
My gay brother didn't live at home and lived far away so I couldn't just ask him to help.
So I looked up online :) But I really wanted to talk to A PERSON.

After highschool I did date a guy, I didn't mind and this was a transexual. (F to M) and the kissing was great!!! I however wasnt ready for sex yet (20)
So thats probably what broke us up after 6 months. :(
Second bf only lasted 1 month cause we met online, but in person there was NO chemistry at all.
My last ex, he reminded me of a girl sometimes lol Anyway he treated me fine at first, we didn't do it till just before we got married and neither of us really liked it. lol We married then he just changed
He was not interested in sex and I wanted to experiement,... it was like all HE knew was 2 min quickies thats IT!!

No oral, no cuddling, no kissing (french), no foreplay..... just "2 min quickies"!!!
I told him and told him, he didn't care what I wanted.

That and other things (the way he treated me) pretty much broke us up and Im happier now :)

The other night in chat on this website some of the guys (and some girls) yelled at me to not let ONE guy be bad experiences and make me not want to date other men since not everyones like him and that is true.
But when I think about guys, I think about how gross penis are. :(
When I think about women, I think about how pretty thier bodies are.

With my ex I rarely ever looked at his penis and I rarely touched it either, usually pausing before I touched it and never looked interested.
And he has heard me say "ewwwy" more than once when the subject of penis came up. (half of the times it was called for cause he was making a stupid remark.)

I have NEVER had full sex with a woman yet and Ive always wanted to for the longest time. lol I had touched a woman, naked too and even did some sexual things but nothing like oral or finger inside.

So I don't know what that's like. I just had so called sex with my ex and thats it. Im very inexperienced for someone thats 27 :) (28 sooooooooon)

SO my question for you people.....

Am I bisexual or a lesbian? :)

Bisexual means your into both men and women I know, and lesbian means your into girls.
But how can you decide if you never actually had full on sex with a girl? or "real" sex with a guy?

All I know is Ive always had issues with penis and its nothing new to people that know me well. Everyone Im close to knows I hate penis, think its gross, don't like to touch or look at them. Honestly, I won't even eat those big susuages that people BBQ in the summer time just cause it looks like a males penis. (nope not bananas either or hotdogs unless its the ONLY choice I have and Im hungry, I'll pick burgers instead if there was a choice.)

I do like guys, and I think some look great looking but I still don't want to look or hear about thier "members"

Im just very uncomfortable with penis thats all.
I don't know if thats cause I only see what I see in movies or cause I had bad expeirneces with guys.

I had bad experiences with girls too... some girls were bullies in school as well but Ive always just felt more comfortable around girls only.
Etc. if Im with a guy and a girl, I tend to edge away from the guy if he gets to close... yet if a girl gets to close, I don't move.

NOTE: I only dated men cause I felt I HAD to.... since my mom never wanted to talk about it so I got scared to say anything if I was bisexual or lesbian but I already know she thinks theres no such thing as bisexuals. (Shes said that many times)

I also wanted to add I have a BIG FEAR of rape. and while both men and women can rape people... Its the men I fear most. Even tho I know there are women out there who are capable of rape too.

Nothing happened to me in THIS LIFE TIME that would have caused the rape.
I believe in PAST LIFES and believe I may have been raped by a man in another lifetime.

Help. What am I?!?! lol

GUYS who became curious and read this thread anyway... I do not mean to hurt your feelings in any way, its just I wanted to talk to someone about this and need options and this was the only way I could say to explain my feelings on genders.
However if you want to say something thats ok too... Just know I DO like guys, just as friends :)

Okies gotta go :) Work time.

Tasha :female:

[Cerealk]

"Just know I DO like guys, just as friends"

Maybe thats the answer?

[Rhuth]

The words "lesbian" and "bisexual" are just labels. There are as many definitions of these labels as there are people who use the labels. We can all tell you how you fit into our own definitions of the labels, but our opinions are not what is important here. How does it feel when you say, "I am a lesbian"? Does it feel more right than saying "I am bisexual"? You could decide you never want sex with a man again, but keep the bisexual label to articulate you are not a "man hating lesbian".

I always thought that phrase was interesting. Why would a lesbian hate men? She doesn't date men, which is the situation when we tend to throw our arms up in the air and denounce men. But I digress.

You just beautifully articulated exactly what you want sexually and emotionally. You want a woman. Now how does that fit with your own definitions of the labels? Nothing is set in stone. As you live your life, you are allowed to change your feelings, attractions, and definitions.

*smooch*
Rhuth

P.S. Check out Long Duck Dong's awesome article (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2372) defining bisexuality. Here is a thread (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2531) from another "inexperienced" woman. Or you could borrow Softflame's label (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?p=41874#post41874).

[entropy]

You seem to know exactly what you like. I'd say that you're into girls with possibly some bicuriosity, so maybe a 6.8 not a 7 on the Klein scale.

Like I told a gay friend of mine, if you can't look at porn of the other sex without being disgusted then you're probably just not into it.

Sorry about the being a male and all, I was curious anyway...lol

Best Wishes :male: :bipride:

[Fire Lotus]

I agree with what Rhuth says......it's all just labels. Don't feel you have to label youself. When I use labels, it's more for other people than myself.( I use queer a lot because to me, it just sounds more fluid than bisexual. Although, I will use bisexual too) I just generaly feel, I love who I love. I'm attracted to the person, not the gender.

That being said.....Bad experiences with men (I've had my share of bad experiences with men. Enough to turn me off by them too, but that hasn't)and the dislike of the penis aside, do you still find men attractive? Do you ever have sexual or romantic thoughts about them? If yes, then possibly you are bisexual. If not, then you may be lesbian. And by the way, you don't have to have sex with either gender to know if your'e bi or lesbian.

[TorontoGuy2007]

HI Tasha,

since i identify as a pre-op transsexual M2F, i will throw my little comments in here.

sexual orientation seems to be made up of a combination of desires for platonic friendship/companionship, love/romance, and sexual activity/lust.

sounds like you are interested in all three from women, but only interested in the first two from men (or at the very least, you are still undecided as to whether or not you can want and/or enjoy sexual activities with men).

whether you accept a label of lesbian, bisexual, bi-curious, or "confused", well, it really doesn't matter.. the only label that really matters is "Tasha" that is your name, that is who you are, and you are a wonderful person, that i know for sure!

it is nice to know that you value love, romance, and friendship in a relationship, and agree that these things are important to a relationship. it could be you are still sorting out your true sexual orientation. heck, i'm still trying to sort out my own sexuality, much less my sexual orientation!

who knows? maybe it is possible that you could love a man if the right one entered your life.. or who knows? maybe you really are totally turned off by the penis and could never feel comfortable with it playing a role in your sex life.

think about this though... if you were going to receive oral sex from someone you love, would it matter whether it was from a male or female or transsexual? if you think it would feel awkward to get that from a non-female, then sounds like you would be more lesbian than anything else. but if you think you would enjoy it emotionally and sexually, then that could be vindication that you are bi.

i guess the good news is that you are single and ready to jump back into the wonderful world of dating. whether your next partner is male or female, focus on the friendship, the trust, the compassion, the companionship, the respect.. and if love develops, then you can take things sexual and go from there.. love hits us when we are least expecting it. we never really know when or how or who will be next!

but i definitely think you have some female curiousities that you want to explore, and there is nothing wrong with that. don't just rush into sex with a woman, but do whatever you can to seek out a female dating partner.. take it one step at a time, start dating, see if you find yourself developing true feelings of love.. and get sexual with her when the time is right. maybe it will turn out to be the best sexual experience of your life! or maybe it won't, who knows?

i guess in the end, sexual experimentation seems to be the best way that people can prove to themselves whether or not they really are bisexual. but in reality, i think sexual orientation is a state of mind, not just an actual activity-based thing.

overall, try to keep an open mind and consider any option that may be presented to you. i used to be a shy and close-minded person for years, and because of it, i missed out on lots of potential opportunities for both friendships and love.

if the bisexual label upsets you, then maybe you could go with "lesbian who is a little straight-curious now and then" nothing wrong with that.

bottom line, don't worry about being inexperienced and confused.. you're not the only one!

[meteast chick]

Tasha,

Oh girl I identify with you more than you know. My best friend and I both said we were interested in girls back in our early teens, but did nothing about it. Unlike you, I always had both female and male friends, was pretty feminine and always had a boyfriend. Maybe that's why when I told my boyfriend who bacame my husband that I was bi, he chose not to listen. After discovering this site, I knew I had to do something, take it further. It was eating me alive. I consider myself bi, even considered myself lesbian at one time, but I'm only really certain about being bi. Men in general do nothing for me. However I realized just recently that I'm 100% bi, because talking to a coworker and hanging out and becoming attracted to him made me know that I wasn't ALL into the ladies. What that tells me is that while men's appearances may not attract me, what's inside does. I still hope to have that experience with a woman. I think I have this idea that a woman's love for another trumps all. Maybe that's just a pipe dream, but...

So hun, you ever want to talk...I'm here sweetie.

luv and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxoxox
meteast

[bi-robin-calif]

Tasha,

I sent you an email with my feelings about your dilemma, because believe it or not, I was too shy to answer in public <blush>.

[Herbwoman39]

I want to agree with those in the chat room. Don't let a few idiots throw you off an entire gender. Especially if you find that you're still attracted to men on occasion.

When I was trying to figure out if I was bi, straight or lesbian I would go through a mental check list. I would ask myself "Am I still attracted to Sean Connery from the 80's?", "Yes", okay, good. "Do the Pussycat Dolls still make me whimper?", "Yes.". Okay, I'm still Bi.

It might help if you find your own mental check list.

I also agree that the penis is a funny lookin critter. When it's limp it looks like a coiled up slinky. When it's hard, it bobs around like one of those Bozo the Clown punching bags. It's cute in an E.T. sort of way :bigrin: And when used *properly* it can make things really nice :)

I'm rambling. Really what it all boils down to is who you're attracted to and what *you* want for yourself Tash. Whatever happens, we're all here for you.

[NorthBiEast]

Sex with guys has never been as exciting for me as it seems like it "should", compared to what other women seem to say. It was ok, but like you said Tasha, a penis just didn't do much for me.

Right after I realized I was bi, I was unattracted to guys at all (my poor, patient, long-suffering husband!!) I'm not sure how much of it was over compensating for "cool, so this is what I'm into now" or what, but it was a passing thing, and now I'm back into my hubby too (he's much happier now too). And I'm enjoying sex with him more than ever. I'd still like to have sex with a woman, but I'm not feeling that desperation that I was a few months back.

I feel balanced now, and EVERYTHING is better. I really think that it was just a matter of getting ME figured out.

You are someone who deserves to be loved, held, cared for, and touched tenderly.

As to bi vs les? Time will tell.

:female:

[the sacred night]

I also wanted to add I have a BIG FEAR of rape. and while both men and women can rape people... Its the men I fear most. Even tho I know there are women out there who are capable of rape too.

Perhaps that's the reason penises gross you out? I have a big fear as well, and while it doesn't keep me from loving men, it does affect the way I relate to them. For example, I cannot be sexually submissive to a man or let a man 'hurt' me during S&M play, but I can totally imagine letting a woman dominate me or hurt me and being really turned on by it. With a man, I always have to be in control, or I start to get scared inside, and even pain that's completely accidental freaks me out. I believe this is because my mother was almost raped and it affected the way she raised me and what she taught me about men.

I agree with Rhuth, though, that you don't have to define yourself based on the categories society has chosen to divide people into. First figure out what you like, then worry about what to call it. Or don't worry about calling it anything, and just let yourself fall in love with whomever you fall in love with, and if that person ends up being a man, then you'll just have to see if you enjoy that part of him, and if not, maybe that means you're not in love.

-Warning, you may find this next part gross-
I thought it was gross the first time I saw a dick too, but once I got used to it, I loved it! I love the sight, the feel, even the smell (the natural smell, not anything skunky). I love the dick, the balls, even the hair. I love sticking my face in it and just going to town. YUM! But actually, I couldn't enjoy these things at first and had to get used to the idea that I could love them, and I guess get past the cultural bullshit that says girls don't enjoy them and that they just do it as if it's a chore. The discussions on this site definitely helped in all that, because before I read them I didn't really think anybody *liked* giving head, and I kind of had to learn to let myself like it, if that makes any sense.

[deletetacount123]

Hi everyone,

Thanks :) I enjoyed reading all your comments and agree with you guys.

I don't like using labels either..... to me I have always seen it as falling in love with who the person is inside, the outside is just a "carrying case" for the soul.
Gender shouldn't play any part in who you fall in love with.

I think maybe Im just puzzled right now cause of everything lol Im just keeping a open mind to things and see what happens.
But I really do want to explore the girl side more :)

All I know for sure is Im not looking for just sex. I want someone that can be my friend and love too. Sex (or lovemaking as I perfer to call it) only plays a part in a relationship.

Thanks again :)
Tasha

[noostoo]

Just wanted to add something to this thread.

About 15 years ago a lesbian friend of mine (who is also a psychologist and social worker) said that a large part of sexuality was choice-based.

I didn't really understand this at all until the last few weeks when I've started to question my sexuality after a few therapy sessions when my therapist asked me if I thought I might be gay or bi. My initial answer was "of course not". I had hung out in gay clubs quite a lot over the years with gay and lesbian friends and always thought that I understood and was comfortable with my sexuality. But she pressed me a bit and asked me to think about it and so I have been.

One of the things we had discussed was that I had always had an aversion to looking at porn with men in it and didn't feel comfortable looking at naked men at all. I always had this fear of being gay hanging around at the back of my mind while on the surface I had had many gay friends and was comfortable around them.

So here's the choice bit.... two weeks ago I decided to consider myself bisexual and see where it took me. First of all I went looking at pictures of naked men and progressed onto looking at all kinds of gay porn. At the same time I looked at men everywhere and tried to establish what I found attractive in a man. This has only been going on for two weeks but it seems much longer and I've learned a lot about myself in such a short time. Women still turn my head in the streets but all my fantasies have focused on men. I might make the gay assumption next and see where that takes me.

Making this choice has allowed me to explore myself given a basic assumption about my sexuality and I haven't had to wrestle with any negatives about it while making the (continuing) journey.

Try considering yourself lesbian with the awareness that nothing is absolute and that it's just an aid to self discovery and see where it takes you.

[innaminka]

Ah, the old labels conundrum.
"I need a label" - or at least others need me to have one so they can readily identify and make their decision about me according to the label.

The best piece of advice I saw was where you were told regardless of Les, Bi, Gay or Galloping Callathumpian, - you're still Tasha!
You don't change who you are.

I admit I use the term Bi about myself - more for ease of thinking rather than because I think I need to identify as Bi.
Often when I am travelling overseas on business alone, I identify as lesbian; it stops the budding Casnovas and actually opens a few doors......both corporate and bedroom!!!!!

Do I really care - not a whit! I'm me.
Just be yourself and let what happens happen without feeling to have to conform to the expectations of a label.

[sammie19]

Innaminka is right Tash. Whoever and whatever you are you remain Tasha. I label myself bi because its an easy description to describe what I am. The only reason I dont call myself lesbian though in a lesbian relationship is because occasionally I still see, appreciate and lust after a lovely man. A friend of mine says if I ever return to dating guys, tell them Im bi and I wont be able to fight them off. Tell them Im lezzie and half of them will run a mile.

Who you fall in love with shouldn't matter, male of female. What matters is how two minds and hearts gel and respect each other.

Just be yourself Tash. Much luv.

[deletetacount123]

Innaminka is right Tash. Whoever and whatever you are you remain Tasha. I label myself bi because its an easy description to describe what I am. The only reason I dont call myself lesbian though in a lesbian relationship is because occasionally I still see, appreciate and lust after a lovely man. A friend of mine says if I ever return to dating guys, tell them Im bi and I wont be able to fight them off. Tell them Im lezzie and half of them will run a mile.

Who you fall in love with shouldn't matter, male of female. What matters is how two minds and hearts gel and respect each other.

Just be yourself Tash. Much luv.

Thanks :)
Ya, Im just gonna be myself. :) Thanks everyone :) :) :)