Pressure in Bisexual Relationships

[happyjoe68]

I was going to add this as a reply to the "monogamous by choice" discussion, but its going off that thread's path somewhat, though it is connected to the conception of choice.

I would like to hear from people who feel they have been pressured by their partners into doing something they do not want to do, and have been on the receiving end of accusations if they do not do what's asked of them.

Let me elaborate without going into too much detail.

I am a Bi man, with some MM experience. I would like more, but when I feel ready and in the "right" situation with the "right person" - or to put it in more cruder terms, I'm not interested in casual sex with strangers merely for the sake of having sex with a man.

I'm currently in a relationship with a Bi F, and she has recently kept bringing up the idea of me visiting saunas (bath houses) and other (essentially) casual sex scenarios. I explained why I did not want to go to these places or have these types experiences - for me they are shallow and superficial (this isnt meant as an attack on those who go there), and because I want to concentrate on the relationship and make sure its strong enough to survive the introduction of another person (for reasons I wont go into its under a lot of stress from a previous poly situation). I was accused of "not dealing with my sexuality" and using the relationship as an excuse of "not confronting" my need to be with other men.

I have stuck to my guns and refuse to budge on the issue. In fact, the relationship currently doesnt exist because of the pressure I feel I've been placed under. Its not that I dont want a boyfriend, but I want to get there in my own time and under my own steam.

How many people feel that they have been placed in similar scenarios by their partners - past or present?

[ambi53mm]

I've never been placed in a situation like that nor could I even imagine being in that situation..but if by some strange twist of fate I was...I'd be handling it the same way you are....and it wouldn't matter what gender I'd happen to be. The funny thing about being submissive to someone else's will is that you're still in control and to some extent your post illustrates that.

Ambi :)

[bi-robin-calif]

Joe,

Just as there are lots of guys out there who think it's hot to watch two women, or to have their woman have sex with another woman, then come home and tell them all the juicy details, so there are women who are the same way about their men.

Is it possible that the reason your relationship is so off rght now is because that's what she's mostly interested in? You having hot sex and then telling her about it? If so, I would say that she's interested in superficial sex herself.

And Joe, it sounds to me as if you're a more reality-grounded type; that is, interested more in a relationship between people than you are in the "side benefits" of a relationship. And this is not criticism: there are a lot of us men who would much rather have a man who makes love with us, and not just fucks us.

When the time is right, you'll know it. Until then, please understand that if she has a problem with it, it's *her* problem, not yours!

[TorontoGuy2007]

i would be very alarmed if i had a partner that was more interested in trying to get my to sleep with others than to sleep with him/her. i've never been in this situation and i don't expect to. i tend to get to know my potential partners very well before committing to a relationship. i want to know what i am getting into long before i am actually into it.

bottom line, have a chat with her and tell her that you aren't interested in fulfilling these strange ideas she has.

[NorthBiEast]

I have to say that I am proud of you for sticking to your guns and insisting on respect. That's what a loving relationship is supposed to be about, and she seems to have missed that.

I wish I had been that clever with my ex-boyfriend. He always put pressure on me to do things his way, including sex acts, and I always hated it, but I always caved in the end. To this day, I don't know why, I know I'm stronger than that. I think I just got tired of arguing about it. :(

[happyjoe68]

I would like to thank everyone who replied to the post - you helped me through a tough time

[Omnivore]

I've been in a similar scenario. Early on in my relationship (married now) I told my other half I was bi. After that big step she said she didn't want to hold me back from my "other side" - she felt I should go out and "express myself" and have sex with random men without her.

I didn't want to do it. To me, whether I'm in a relationship with a man or woman, having sex with someone else (whether same of same or different sex) would be totally wrong to me.

To explain that in simpler terms: she was happy for me to go out and have sex with random blokes, but not random women. To me there was no difference - both would be a betrayal of out relationship, I didn't want to do that.

Is it similar for you? Have you explained your feelings to her?

We talked about this - while she didn't understand my feelings, she did respect them after I explained. Things have moved on since then - we're married now and we having a lot of fun together, but that's a different story (see my profile).

On the other hand, is she having fun with other women and perhaps feels you should too to blalance things perhaps?

[happyjoe68]

I've been in a similar scenario. Early on in my relationship (married now) I told my other half I was bi. After that big step she said she didn't want to hold me back from my "other side" - she felt I should go out and "express myself" and have sex with random men without her.

I didn't want to do it. To me, whether I'm in a relationship with a man or woman, having sex with someone else (whether same of same or different sex) would be totally wrong to me.

To explain that in simpler terms: she was happy for me to go out and have sex with random blokes, but not random women. To me there was no difference - both would be a betrayal of out relationship, I didn't want to do that.

Is it similar for you? Have you explained your feelings to her?

We talked about this - while she didn't understand my feelings, she did respect them after I explained. Things have moved on since then - we're married now and we having a lot of fun together, but that's a different story (see my profile).

On the other hand, is she having fun with other women and perhaps feels you should too to blalance things perhaps?

Thanks for the reply.

To be fair, I think she first suggested it to be helpful, but I believed (rightly or wrongly) that the relationship needed to be strong enough to survive the impact of another person - My philosophy isnt and wasn't "No", but one of "Not now". I explained my reasoning, but the topic kept being dragged up, then the accusations started. This was distressing because I felt I had represented my views and feelings accurately, and I cannot do anymore than that. I have reflected a great deal on the issue and sometimes I wonder if there was perhaps a deeper, subconscious issue at work.

I have no problem with getting a boyfriend or having more contact with men, but I want to get there in my own time and under my own steam. I do not want, and never have done, to have sex with men (or anyone) for the "principle" or because someone else expects me to. I am not a piece of meat, and neither are other people.

The situation has really caused me a great deal of emotional turmoil and heartache (and to the other person also), and I ended the relationship because of this. Its distressing that has happened, especially when the relationship held so much promise, but I genuinely dont know how to resolve this issue without compromising my standpoint to such an extent that I would lose my self-respect.

[Omnivore]

Thanks for the reply.

To be fair, I think she first suggested it to be helpful, but I believed (rightly or wrongly) that the relationship needed to be strong enough to survive the impact of another person - My philosophy isnt and wasn't "No", but one of "Not now". I explained my reasoning, but the topic kept being dragged up, then the accusations started. This was distressing because I felt I had represented my views and feelings accurately, and I cannot do anymore than that. I have reflected a great deal on the issue and sometimes I wonder if there was perhaps a deeper, subconscious issue at work.

I have no problem with getting a boyfriend or having more contact with men, but I want to get there in my own time and under my own steam. I do not want, and never have done, to have sex with men (or anyone) for the "principle" or because someone else expects me to. I am not a piece of meat, and neither are other people.

The situation has really caused me a great deal of emotional turmoil and heartache (and to the other person also), and I ended the relationship because of this. Its distressing that has happened, especially when the relationship held so much promise, but I genuinely dont know how to resolve this issue without compromising my standpoint to such an extent that I would lose my self-respect.

Sorry to hear how it turned out. It was the same for me too - too early. We waited a long time until we both felt we were strong enough. Even then we still had problems and things almost ended in divorce. But after a lot of communication we're now stronger than ever.

However, all relationships are unique, in my humble opinion, so no example is perhaps overly helpful, if at all.

[shadowsaffinity]

i think you did the right thing. be with a guy on your own terms, in your own time. that's not for anyone else to say what you should do or when you should do it.

i think we all get pressure from people when we are in relationships, to varying degrees.