Can a three person relationship work?

[sweetfreak]

Hi. I am new here and don't know if this question has been addressed here before.
I am a bi-female that did have a relationship in the past with a male and a female. The relationship did not work out because of issues of jealousy. I have a boyfriend now, but I have to admit that I always seem to have strong desires to have a girlfriend as well. I know it is possible to be in two separate relationships, but that is not what I would want in the long run. I would eventually want all three of us together, and I would want my partners to feel the same way.
But does this type of relationship work? If anyone here is in this type of relationship, I would like to know what you do to overcome the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. And if those feelings can't be overcome, is it worth it to stay in the relationship? I believe relationships should be healthy, make you stronger, and make you feel good about yourself.
Thank you for reading.

[Diana_TS]

Hi Sweet. I think they can work out just fine if all three are open with each other. When the wife and I were younger, we had two relationships like that. But unlike your situation it was MFM. In those days I was not admiting my Bi side, although I had urges, just ignored them. Anyway the wife met one guy while out shopping, and I met another who was introduce to me by a gay friend. My wife in those days was very approachable due to the way she dressed, and how friendly she was and still is. I have always encouraged her to be open with men, and enjoyed her being so. Anyway she invited her friend over and another evening I invited my new friend over. We hit it off right away, by that I mean the three of us, not four. Two sets of three to be more candid. The two guys really never met each other. For three years until we moved we spent a lot of time with each of these men on different occasions. Not a live in relationship, but very much a sexual relationship. My wife was shared between myself and each of the other men in turn for these three years. No jealously or bickering ever occured. The reason was that we were all friends, as threesomes, or individually. Both men were very understanding about our relationship, she being my wife and them being a third wheel so to speak, but not just sexually. One was single and the other married, whose wife was not involved. I really feel that if we had not moved the relationships may still be ongoing even after all these years. This was in the late 70s by the way. My only regrets are that during this period I was ignoring (not accepting ) my bisexual urges. Of course these were not live in situations but close. Hope this helps. :bibounce:

[yoyo4u]

........I am a bi-female that did have a relationship in the past with a male and a female.........

Based on my own experience (a few of us expanded on this before in similar fashion) a MMF relationship might have a better chance to work.

If two guys like each other to the point that they have even sex, they'll never compete over eyeshade, clothing, or hairstyle anymore.

Don't take my word, give it a try!

yoyo :cool:

[TashaSW]

It could if you all trust and are very open to each other.

If theres gonna be jealously then DON'T do it.

I personally know I get jealous especially if I think the other person's getting much more attention than what Im getting. So Im happy I know in advance I could never do the 3 person relationship cause of my feelings.
I would have hated for the jealously to occur in the middle!!!

It all depends, its differnt for everyone.
It works for some people, some people it doesn't and others may have to go through several to make it work.

[binaryman]

This is no quite the same, but, I know of a MMM relationship. The three all live together. Beyond that, I do not know the exact sleeping arrangements. It started with two as a couple - they met the third and would enjoy a threesome from time to time. The third guy asked to move in and the couple agreed. This arrangement has existed even before they move onto my street (Oh no! there goes the neighborhood) and they have lived here for over two years. It seems to be working for all involved.

[Chaia]

I believe relationships should be healthy, make you stronger, and make you feel good about yourself.


Hi sweetfreak,
I agree completely! Have you looked at any polyamory sites? This one http://www.polyamory.org/ has a lot of helpful advice, geared toward just the questions you are asking. The people on the site seem to also be looking for healthy, strong, good relationships. I think there are some more links to sites in the "Bi Web" section of this site. Hope you find something helpful.
Chaia

[Daisy999]

No they can't work and they shouldn't be the basis for relationships. 3 is not an equal number like 2 is.

I don't know of ANY 3 way relationship (MMM/MMF/MFF/FFF) that has lasted for a decade or more.

Someone always winds up being jealous, feels left out, doesn't communicate, or doesn't take the relationship serious. They're also a way for people to avoid being intimate with one another.

Most people don't have the maturity and emotional stability an open relationship demands.

If you're expecting your partner to feel the same way that you do, chances are that he won't. Also, I doubt a woman would want to go into a relationship with a married couple. I certainly wouldn't.

3 way relationships are like Communism and Socialism. It works well in theory/on paper, but it doesn't work in reality at all.

[TashaSW]

No they can't work and they shouldn't be the basis for relationships. 3 is not an equal number like 2 is.

I don't know of ANY 3 way relationship (MMM/MMF/MFF/FFF) that has lasted for a decade or more.

Someone always winds up being jealous, feels left out, doesn't communicate, or doesn't take the relationship serious. They're also a way for people to avoid being intimate with one another.

Most people don't have the maturity and emotional stability an open relationship demands.

If you're expecting your partner to feel the same way that you do, chances are that he won't. Also, I doubt a woman would want to go into a relationship with a married couple. I certainly wouldn't.

3 way relationships are like Communism and Socialism. It works well in theory/on paper, but it doesn't work in reality at all.

Don't ever say they can't and don't work.... they may not work for SOME people but they DO WORK for others.
It all depends on the kind of commuication and how well they know each other.
You may not have known ANY 3 relationships that lasted for a long time, me either but trust me, there HAVE been and not everyone tells everyone. Some are in secretive so they don't have to face people that think its wrong.

Like I said, it depends on people themselfs... everyone is different.
Never say "can't" cause they CAN.... it just takes the right person for it to work. I, myself know it won't work FOR ME. But I have seen a 3-some couple on here where this relationship worked best for them... a M-F-F couple. Im not sure if they still post on the boards tho.

[Daisy999]

Don't ever say they can't and don't work.... they may not work for SOME people but they DO WORK for others.
It all depends on the kind of commuication and how well they know each other.
You may not have known ANY 3 relationships that lasted for a long time, me either but trust me, there HAVE been and not everyone tells everyone. Some are in secretive so they don't have to face people that think its wrong.

Like I said, it depends on people themselfs... everyone is different.
Never say "can't" cause they CAN.... it just takes the right person for it to work. I, myself know it won't work FOR ME. But I have seen a 3-some couple on here where this relationship worked best for them... a M-F-F couple. Im not sure if they still post on the boards tho.

The simple fact is that 3 way relationships have very weak morals and ethics. I don't herald them as model relationships.

[NorthBiEast]

In any relationship there is going to be jealousy and discord at some point, especially if you've been together for more than a decade. What makes those long term relationships last is people's commitment to one another, and to the relationship.

It makes sense to me that there would be fewer poly relationships that work long term. Relationships take a lot of work. More people means more work. Doesn't mean it can't work, just that, like any relationship, you will face some unique challenges.

My husband and I are considering a poly lifestyle as well. I agree Sweet, that it is a daunting thing, and not to be entered into lightly. (Fortunately, neither of us is the jealous type)

As for it being morally reprehensible...that's a chance my husband and I have decided to take together. If you don't like it, don't offer to be our third. Judgment, of any variety, doesn't belong in the bedroom.
:three:

[NorthBiEast]

I know somebody posted the link to polyamory.org, but I figured I'd copy the bit they have here about jealousy, because I really like how they define it. :)

Subject: 5). What about jealousy?

Some people seem to have no jealousy; it's as if they didn't get
that piece installed at the factory. Others, including some
long-term polyamorists, feel jealousy, which they regard as a
signal that something needs investigation and care, much as they
would regard depression or pain. Jealousy is neither a proof of
love (and this is where polyamory differs from possessive or
insecure monogamy) nor a moral failing (and this is where
polyamory differs from emotionally manipulating one's partner(s)
into relationships for which they are not ready).

[welickit]

In our case we are married and both bisexual. We are not hardcore swingers or bed hoppers. Therefore we prefer to have long term relationships with others who are also bi. While we don't all live together in the same house, we see it as being possible. We have an ongoing relationship with a single guy that is going for it's eighth year and two different ongoing relationships with other women. One almost five years and the other two years. I guess it is pretty much something that is different for everyone who finds themself in the situation. I think we tolerate it more later in life than when we are young and inexperienced. :2cents:

[binaryman]

The simple fact is that 3 way relationships have very weak morals and ethics. I don't herald them as model relationships.

A teensy-weensy judgemental there, are we? Or, is it a raw nerve? There are many who would condemn all but the missionary position.

My rule of thumb: I control my personal direction in life; others, theirs. It is not my place to project my 'morals' onto anyone else, as those values may not fit anyone but me.

Is there harm to the larger community if three people find intimate support together?

[etncple]

We actually would prefer to have a long term friendship with another bi person. We aren't "swingers" in the normal use of the term but we do like a third person to join us, and we want to be friends and more, not just a notch on a bedpost. We have had 2 people we were with that fit this description but due to circumstances beyond control, both ended, (we moved one time and the other time he moved). As far as morals and ethics, if we were worried about what some closed minded(or worse) people think, we wouldnt be on this site to begin with. One small advantage to getting older is most people seem to be more tolerant and open and not as judgemental as when they were younger. Live and let live :) and if that doesnt work remember the old saying about people in glass houses :bigrin:
Of course that's just my opinion and i may be wrong :(

[onewhocares]

The simple fact is that 3 way relationships have very weak morals and ethics. I don't herald them as model relationships.


Miss Daisy,

I take great exception to your above comment. How dare you insinuate that all persons involved in a three way relationship have weak morals and ethics. Your unsubstantiated assumptions are perhaps a reflection of the people you know in them and certainly not of all. I know, because I have been privilege to have been involved with several fine gentlemen from this site. I guess I seen to be the type of person who cares about others and would never be as crass as you. To collectively band all together is not only pathetic, but only is a reflection upon your lack of maturity and experience.

I have been thinking,,,that since you are SO insulted by so many of the people here, the threads, and I am sure there is much more that I have yet to read....perhaps another venue might be a good place for your comments.


You know Daisy....why don't you smell the roses and go to the compost pile!

Belle

[the sacred night]

Also, I doubt a woman would want to go into a relationship with a married couple. I certainly wouldn't.

Well, a lot of other women would, they do it all the time.

My fiance and I are open to the idea of adding a third person to our sex life, but I personally am just daunted by the idea of trying to find someone we both like and likes both of us, because the odds just seem slim to me.

[tell_no_one99]

man I don't know I can barely handle One relationship I could not managing two people althoug it would be nice in reality these don't work

Its sad but true

[FriedDuck]

man I don't know I can barely handle One relationship I could not managing two people althoug it would be nice in reality these don't work

Its sad but true
I can hardley even find that 1 person to have relationship with let alone 2 ppl and all 3 ppl like each other and are compatible with sex? its impossible.

[itsmejack]

Hello, I had a bi mmf relationship (not living together) with a married couple for about a year until they moved 600 mils away. It was great and I we still see each other when one or the others make the trip. What I would like to know is how many women on this site that like a bi mmf relationship. My couple were friends for a long time before we got into a sexual relationship, and that really got started when we had a little too much to drink, but was great! Maybe I should be looking for a girlfriend where we really click and have a good relationship that would like an mmf relationship.... Jack

[whattodo]

To me three person relationships can work. Yes, there are many difficulties involved in this type of relationship. The first problem is finding three people that enjoy each other. They need to enjoy each other as friends, partners, lovers, and companions. This is not a life style for people that are easily hurt by a relationship.

There are often issues of making sure that everyone involved gets enough attention. If you are lucky enough to find people that do not mind being left out from time to time, then the relationship can work. I am in a relationship with a married (mf) couple. I am with both together and seperately. We can do things as a group, the couple can do things together, the male and I can do things together, and the female and I can do things together. If one of us is not in the mood to go out or whatever, then the other two often spend time together. No one is left out in sex or basic time together. We are able to make it so that everyone is happy and no jealousy has occured. It helps that none of us are jealous people by nature.

Jealousy is the largest killer of any relationship. If you are going to be jealous in a relationship, there is probably something that is not right and needs to be discussed. In all relationships the biggest thing to make it work is communication. If that is not in the foundation of the relationship, it will have a hard time working.

That is just my take on this situation. I have a few more reasons as to why this is the right thing for me, but I am not going to put them down here.

[ElizabethJane]

I feel bad sometimes when I see a poly relationship and the woman or male that is third in the group doesn't seem to have the same treatment as numbers 1 and 2. That's really sad to me. Who's shining star do they get to be?

I love being my husbands woman, seriously, throw back to the fifties - I dig him. I wouldn't want to be competing for attention with another broad because I know I want and need a lot of selfish attention. But... AHA - I disclosed this very very early in the relationship, and he accepted the terms of the agreement!

I can love my woman, and have the most wonderful loving husband all in one bunch. Kiss my ass if you think my morals are obscure. Heh.

Cheers :bibounce:

EJ

[pasco_lol_cpl]

We are a bi married poly couple currently seeking our third. Its been our experience that a poly relationship can work. It just takes the same amount, if not more, effort that a two persona relationship would require. The three biggies needed for any relationship to work are honestly, communication, and trust,

[FriedDuck]

I think 3 person relationship can work in short term like 1-5 years, I hav NEVER seen 3 ppl in a relationship that lasted for a decade or more, no matter how hard ppl try.

open relationship can work but only if 3 people are not living together and i dont get why ppl say they poly when its the same thing as an open relationship. Here in netherlands if u say u poly nobody know what that means and we just call it open relationship since u have relationship with more than 1 person.

most ppl find it kinda daunting or like they would b left out if they join a couple that is already married.

ElizabethJane-i think that marriage or established relationships is a reason why in 3 way relationships do not work adn the 3rd person in group feels left out or not like a REAL part of the relationship.

I have gay male friend and he was in 3 way relationship for YEARS and he tell me how it was very frustrating and how the men he was with were in an established relationship and invited him in and didn't set up rules or say that it was closed so he dated another man too and they'd go off and have sex with other men and not invite him and he got angry about this (who wouldn't?) and he tried to get them to close the relationship but then they backed off and ended it when they were the ones who wanted a 3 way relationship in the 1st place.

he tell me how in theory 3 way relationships work well but in reality they dont work and how he shouldnt have gotten involved like that instead of just having a relationship with one man.

I was invited to join M/F couple but I said no since they married and have been for awhile and i know i'd feel left out and never REALLY part of their relationship no matter what since they have a legal marriage and kids.

[Solomon]

I think 3 person relationship can work in short term like 1-5 years, I hav NEVER seen 3 ppl in a relationship that lasted for a decade or more, no matter how hard ppl try.

open relationship can work but only if 3 people are not living together and i dont get why ppl say they poly when its the same thing as an open relationship. Here in netherlands if u say u poly nobody know what that means and we just call it open relationship since u have relationship with more than 1 person.

most ppl find it kinda daunting or like they would b left out if they join a couple that is already married.

ElizabethJane-i think that marriage or established relationships is a reason why in 3 way relationships do not work adn the 3rd person in group feels left out or not like a REAL part of the relationship.

I have gay male friend and he was in 3 way relationship for YEARS and he tell me how it was very frustrating and how the men he was with were in an established relationship and invited him in and didn't set up rules or say that it was closed so he dated another man too and they'd go off and have sex with other men and not invite him and he got angry about this (who wouldn't?) and he tried to get them to close the relationship but then they backed off and ended it when they were the ones who wanted a 3 way relationship in the 1st place.

he tell me how in theory 3 way relationships work well but in reality they dont work and how he shouldnt have gotten involved like that instead of just having a relationship with one man.

I was invited to join M/F couple but I said no since they married and have been for awhile and i know i'd feel left out and never REALLY part of their relationship no matter what since they have a legal marriage and kids.

i bet you've witnessed alot of 3 way relationships, i would love to hear all about it.

[FriedDuck]

i bet you've witnessed alot of 3 way relationships, i would love to hear all about it.
ok well i mostly know gay men who have had 3 way relationships.
a few bis and some hets too. not really any lesbian.

they all ended badly (as in they are not together anymore, they may be friends/on speaking term but they're not together in a 3 way relationship anymore) since people get jealous or torn apart or they feel inadequate when going in a relationship with ppl who r established like married or dating for years or sometime the people who r originally together gang up and don't wanna have a balanced relationship with the other person, sometime neither of 3 ppl take the relationship seriously at all and talk about how they feel or what they want or if they are jealous or what is lacking or what they want, or in other times these people who enter into an open relationship wind up being frustrated and date other people besides the ones they have the open relationship with, or the married/ppl in relationship also feel like having a 3rd person will ruin their marriage/relationship.

also, sometime people who have/want realtionship like this simply only want a monogamous relationship but do not kno it at the time, and sometimes ppl who are a couple like married or in relationship can be manipulative/abusive and mean or simply only have an open relationship likle this for novelty purposes or just to please the one that they love not because both want a relationship like this.

[darkeyes]

I think they can work, but that more than any monogomous relationship require much more working at to ensure all 3 are kept happy and that none feels isolated. I think it takes pretty exceptional people to make it work and to be honest I think that those are so few and far between in the main successful long term 3 person relationships will always prove to be a relative rarity. It is difficult enough to find a partner for life now when considering an everyday "run of the mill" 2 person relationship so how much more difficult is it for 3?

I fell in love with two people, and it was my dearest wish 2 have just such a relationship with them but for one reason or other it was not to be and the agonies felt by all became overwhelming. My life is still haunted and blighted by my failure to achieve my dream. Human beings are such complex creatures that there will always be problems and doubts which get in the way of our dreams. Sometimes these can be overcome and people can enjoy the full joys of a 3 way love, but so rare will that be that a long term life time relationship between 3 people will be a very rare beast indeed.

But given the opportunity with the same two people, I would be off like a shot!

[Helen_89]

The simple fact is that 3 way relationships have very weak morals and ethics. I don't herald them as model relationships.

Hi Daisy999,

I'm going to have to STRONGLY disagree with you on your theory that a 3 way relationship can work as I am the product of one. I have 1 mum 2 dads and they have a great relationship, better than most actually. My dads are identical twins but different in every way apart from looks, they provide my mum with everything she could ever want and I think I have only ever seen them have 1 serious argument and I'm 24. A lot of people ask my mum how she keeps up with who has had what one-on-one time but she always says and I quote "its their job to keep track not mine, if I did i would go crazy" I honestly think that they have a great life and its been amazing growing up with the extra parent, I don't think they would have been happy any other way. It's a relationship I would love to have and not for the sexual reasons a lot of women fantasize about, I watch my dads cherise my mum as if she is the air they breath and it is a sight to behold.

So yeah I'm sorry but you are completely wrong saying that type of relationships can't work. They have been together 30 years and have 4 kids and they are still very much in love.

[Annika L]

Hi Daisy999,

I'm going to have to STRONGLY disagree with you on your theory that a 3 way relationship can work as I am the product of one. I have 1 mum 2 dads and they have a great relationship, better than most actually. My dads are identical twins but different in every way apart from looks, they provide my mum with everything she could ever want and I think I have only ever seen them have 1 serious argument and I'm 24. A lot of people ask my mum how she keeps up with who has had what one-on-one time but she always says and I quote "its their job to keep track not mine, if I did i would go crazy" I honestly think that they have a great life and its been amazing growing up with the extra parent, I don't think they would have been happy any other way. It's a relationship I would love to have and not for the sexual reasons a lot of women fantasize about, I watch my dads cherise my mum as if she is the air they breath and it is a sight to behold.

So yeah I'm sorry but you are completely wrong saying that type of relationships can't work. They have been together 30 years and have 4 kids and they are still very much in love.

Bless you Helen...that is a beautiful story...thank you SO much for sharing it!! *hugs*

[NjbiGuy01]

I had this with an Ex and her ex boyfriend. At the time we were a couple, she admitted wanted another guy to join us in bed, and I came out to her. She said "my old boyfriend Mark was bi, he played with men in the Navy...". Enter Mark... We played as a threesome for a year or so. It was great, dates, the beach, X movies playing in the back of the theatre...an ABS visit once, but maintaining that balance can be tough. She got wet at the idea of all of us playing, and we sure had fun. She liked the way a pretty BBW was looked at with a man on each arm....Sure, at first, showing up and the two of them playing in bed surprising me, or he and I being in bed when she came home from work was fun. Eventually, they went to a movie or dinner alone, as I did with her too, and I started to sense it was almost a struggle for equality with MY girlfriend. She thought nothing of it, but it started to hurt me emotionally after some time...there is the fear of bringing a dude home for the wife and thinking if he showed her a better time in bed or somehow they became more than just lovers and so forth...I guess it can be the case in any form of threesome. I recently started watching the polyamory show on Showtime, and it shows all the sides of this quite clearly.... open relationships, but many are frought with issues....