Do I have the "right" to come out?

[babybi]

I could really use some advice. My situation is that I'm almost entirely certain I'm bisexual. I have "made out" with a woman, as in kissing/fondling, but nothing beyond that.
I feel trapped in a Catch 22 because if I don't come out, women inot know that I am available and open to the idea. On the other hand, because I've never really been with a woman, I feel like I don't "deserve" to come out. I'm afraid that people will not believe me, or will just be confused. I came out to my mother and she accused me of just trying to be bi so that I could fit in with my queer friends, and because I was tired of boys.

Most people I've asked about this say "just be open to bi experiences and see if you like it." This doesn't address the problem. I have no chance of being with a woman if everyone thinks I'm straight.

I'm also curious to know if anyone else feels like this way: I'm more nervous to tell my gay/lesbian friends that I'm bi than to tell my staight friends. In addition, I just don't really feel comfortable being labeled "bi" because I'm probably not *exactly* in the middle.

So should I come out and risk confusing and irritating people, especially my gay/lesbian friends, or should I just...I don't know? Flirt with girls until they get the point? Help!

[codybear3]

The real "right " you have is to be yourself. Let your heart and not your mind be your guide in this time of questioning. If you try being bI and like it, more power to you. If you feel you are not entirely in the middle, you have a right to go either way. If you feel you have to tell anyone anything, do it. You cannot control how they react, cuz its thier right to react however, but in the end, follow your heart and do what you think is right for you...You do have a right to be who you are, and to come out if you wish. Good luck to you... :bibounce:

P.S. - Since I came out I have not regretted it. I found out who my real friends were, and boy, was I surprised... :bigrin:

[Bi-ten]

Hi Babybi,

Follow your heart but always remember that your sexuality is personal. If your bi and proud, share it...but only if you want to. As you probably know, not everyone out there will be as enthusiastic about your orientation as you are.

Also, this is not a badge that needs to be earned, you know who you are...you have nothing to prove. You have every right to declare to the world who you are, whether you have been with a woman or not, thats no ones business but yours;)

Finally, if you do choose to be more subtle...please be up front with your partners whenever possible, take it from me, it will be hard to deal with once you fall in love with someone and you haven't been honest.

Best of luck to you dear,

[csrakate]

Babybi,
Hi....I spoke to you briefly in the chat room and didn't have much of a chance to talk with you.

I know I joked about not having to qualify as a bisexual person, but in many ways, it is the truth. There are no set rules as to who may call themselves bisexual. If you feel that you have an attraction to both men and women, then chances are you are bisexual. But you don't have to rush into anything to earn the right to call yourself bisexual.

But as long as we are talking about labeling yourself as a bisexual, do you really feel that it is necessary to apply a label to yourself? Your sexual preferences are just that...yours! If you find a person that you feel comfortable with, then you just go with it. You don't need to present a resume nor do you need to show quailifications...I mean, it's not like you need a bisexual hunting license to find a bag yourself a woman! LOL

Don't rush into anything. Just be true to yourself and the rest will follow.

Best of luck to you and I hope you find what it is you are looking for.


Kate

[gayle]

Hi Babybi,
First I'll add a hearty "Well said" to Codybear & Bi-ten. You have the right to come out to anyone you want. You don't have to "earn" the right to call yourself bi, straight, lesbian or anything else. Only YOU can determine who/what you are! Nobody else can make that determination for you. Also, you can't PROVE you are straight, bi, or lesbian either! I do worry that you commented about proving your sexuality. You need not "prove" your orientation to anyone! You may even find your sexual preferences ebb and flow over time, and there may be times when you feel more straight than bi, or more bi than lesbian, or you might even find yourself feeling more lesbian than bi or straight. Allow yourself to be open to changing over time. We all go through changes as we age. I know it is probably difficult, but don't allow yourself to feel overly stressed to identify as being bi, straight, lesbian or anything else. Those are labels we have created, and we are so much more than the label we might choose to apply to identify our sexual orientation!

Before coming out to someone, I would advise you to consider why you feel the need to come out to them. What is your motivation? Certainly, you should, by all means, be honest with your sexual partner(s)! (Coming out to your partner AFTER you've already become emotionally involved with one another can cause problems!) But does your next door neighbor really need to know? I'm not telling you to be ashamed of being bi, or that you should pretend to be something that you are not. I will just point out that if you felt you were straight, you probably would NOT feel any need to tell ANYONE that you were straight. So why, if you are bi or lesbian would you need to tell anyone you weren't potentially considering having sex with? Not everyone needs or wants to know what you do in your bedroom!

As always, I will emphasize that you need to practice safe sex!!! My little soapbox :soapbox: --- I jump up on it and say "be honest with your partner(s)" and "be safe!" After that, I'll jump back down and say you need to be true to yourself. The face you'll see in the mirror in the morning is your own. You are the one person to whom you must always answer and you must be true to yourself.

I am straight (I even jokingly call myself "hopelessly heterosexual" --- and if my boyfriend happens to read this --- well, honey, there are so many good looking men out there. . .and YOU are at the top of MY list!!!). Despite being straight, I seem to set off many bidars. I suppose the reason for this is that I am open to the possibility that I will find myself attracted to a woman and choose to pursue it, but I tend to enjoy men (my boyfriend!) so much that I haven't felt any need to pursue a woman. Still, I am more than happy to dance with women when we're out clubbing. If they're willing to overlook the fact that I don't really know how to dance, I'm generally quite willing to play the fool & try to dance. (Someone should be selling videos of my attempts at dancing. It'd probably be a comic best seller!)

ANYHOW, I digress. The reason I am stating that I am straight but set off many bidars is simply this --- I do not go around annoucing to the general public that I am straight. If I am approached by a woman, I will tell her thank you for the compliment, and if they go beyond the initial action of approaching me, then I will reveal that I am straight. It's not something the whole world needs to know! I don't mind if I set off someone's bidar or gaydar. I know who I am.

I believe you will find that if you move with confidence, if you are comfortable with who you are, you will find yourself being approached by both men AND women. Women, generally, are more comfortable with approaching one another than men are. (This is one time when a gender bias is working in our favor!) If you seem approachable and comfortable with yourself, if you seem to be having a good time and open to talking to others, you will probably find yourself attracting a good deal of attention. You won't likely need to be announcing your sexual orientation to everyone you meet. Hopefully there is a great club in your area that serves the "alternative lifestyle" crowd (swingers, bi, gay/lesbian, cross dressers, transsexuals, etc.) because this can be a great place to meet people. But again, BE CAREFUL!
Best wishes to you! :grouphug:

[slaphappypud]

Well Babybi,

You certainly don't have to parade up and down the streets wearing a placard that says "bisexual" in big, hot pink letters. Just comeout to freinds you know are gay and then network from there. I lived like that for a long time and it worked well. My favorite part was the look of surprize when I came out. (I'm a guy who is very straight acting) Oddly enough many gay men really go for "straight" guys, so I never went to a party alone! Don't know if it's the same with gals or not, but you might try it.
I don't advertise, but I don't keep it a secret either. When I see somone I may be interested in I'll let them know!

[babybi]

Thanks for the advice all.
It seems a lot of people were asking my motivation for coming out.
My main motivations are that I live on a small college campus and I want the queer community to know that I am available. I know many straight girls who, if I found out were bi, I would be interested in. I wonder if the same thing might apply to myself.

In addition, I just want to be honest with my friends. In these cases, I have come out. But I just can't figure out how to let the female community at large know that I'm interested in dating women. What do you think? Just let things spread word of mouth?

[arana]

Sweetie, if you aren't causing physical harm to anyone, you have the right to do whatever you want.

Hugs!

[IceLion]

What do you think? Just let things spread word of mouth?

Interesting choice of words... :tong:

First of all, I think that there is too much emphasis placed on being called bi, especially by those of us who are bi. You are above and beyond anything else, human. It doesn't matter what walk of life, color of skin, or moral and ethical doctrines you embrace. If all you are trying to do is to call attention to yourself from the gay/bicurious community on your campus, then mayhap you need to re-evaluate some things.

Sexuality is what it is, there is no need to force it or advertise it. If there is someone who you are attracted to, the simplest and most effective way to find out if it's reciprocal is by asking. I know in a lot of cases this is easier said than done, but it really does work. :bigrin:

Barring anything else if you want others to know that you are available sexually, then my best advice would be to find someone already involved in that community and immerse yourself. Make friends (not necessarily lovers) and become active in the goings on in that community. When I came out the first thing I did was to find gay men in my area and make friends with them. After some short amount of time, I began dating. Dating albeit in the gay community is a loose term, but the results were what I wanted in the beginning, to find a man. It's very difficult to just jump in, and better to slowly walk and try to enjoy as many experiences as possible.

The reason I'm telling to you be careful is that it's a hard thing to live with the morning after when you find, to your horror, that you really didn't want what you THOUGHT you wanted; a sexual experience with a woman. It's one thing to kiss and touch a person of the same sex, another thing entirely to have sexual intercourse (oral and physical).

I wish you the best luck in the world in your openminded approach to something that I feel most people can't fully realize in themselves; their sexuality.

-IceLion :bipride: