ED problems?

[twosides]

Hi all. Just a question to find out what you think or have to say about a problem that a partner of mine has. He and I have been seeing each other for about a month or so now on a weekly basis. It has become frustrating for him because he can't make it to the point of cumming while I'm with him. Frustrating for me as well, because I start thinking that it's something I'm doing wrong or not doing at all. Even though he says it's nothing to do with me.

Well, in a way it is, but it's a good thing, I guess, if you want to look at it that way. I don't understand why, but he says that I'm his fantasy guy, the kind of physique, face, attitude and everything that he has always had in his mind when he jerks off to that unknown anonymous figure we all have in our heads. This doesn't keep us from spending hours together with him blowing me, me trying my neophyte best to blow him, touching each other all over, mutual masturbation, anything and everything up to him being able to stay hard enough to poke me or to cum by manual stimulation. We tried Viagra last week, but that didn't have any effect. He's hard enough from time to time, but when it gets to a point of action, he loses it. Vitamin "V" or not.

I've been educated enough to not have any issues over this problem. It's happened to me a couple of times in my life, too, so I know it's not unique to him or me. But my question to you is what kind of things do you do when this gets to a point that it sort of brings down the good mood for a short time? It's nice to be able to blow a load, after having been worked up for so long. He says he's able to cum when he's jerking off between our visits. My biggest concern is that he's happy with what we're doing. And he says the pleasure is totally reciprocated, so that's good. But, in the back of my mind, I still have slight worries that I'm not doing something right. Maybe that's just my perfectionism making it's mark again in my life. What d'ya think? Thanks.

[katie]

I have encountered this as well....I worried untill I actually accepted that my lover was enjoying himself without ejaculating.....just relax and enjoy your time together and focus on the pleasure given and recieved....ejaculation isnt everything...the problem is the more you worry about it the more it becomes an issue and actually contributes to the problem........just my experience...

[nycMan51]

I'd say that you shouldn't put any pressure on him to cum. Sometimes feeling pressure to perform can dampen erotic pleasure. If he says he's alright with it, and he finds you his hot guy, and you can get self-satisfaction - it sounds good to me. Maybe you're looking for affirmation by way of his orgasm. Plus, it's entirely natural for a guy to go through many stages of arousal. Soft to hard and back to soft again, and repeat. I'd say for you to breathe deep, relax, and enjoy yourselves in erotic pleasures.

[bbvdd45]

This seems to be not aunique problem, bi or gay or straight. There are so many factors and physiology involved it's a wonder we shoot our loads at all!
There may be psych factors such as stress elsewhere. Medications can play a role too. The ed drugs also delay ejaculation. paitence wins i the long run anyway! :bibounce:

[BiCpl69]

Pressure...the pressure to cum. He can mastrubate & cum without you, but can't with you. He is probably feeling (self-inflicted) pressure to show you by cumming. You need to show him that it is not important, then he may relax. Been there done that! ;)

[csrakate]

The old Performance Anxiety monster might be rearing it's ugly head with you two. And I might have missed it in your post, but did you share the age of your partner? Anyway, I have learned that the absence of cumming doesn't necessarily mean that your partner isn't enjoying himself. It may be the report card that we need as the other partner, but satisfaction within a sexual relationship doesn't necessarily require the big one that resembles Old Faithful!

I used to measure the level of satisfaction on the amount my husband would cum so naturally when he didn't, I assumed that it was my fault and that I had failed. Turns out, according to him, that sometimes it was just too much sensation and while pleasurable, just didn't seem to end with ejaculation. Could be attributed to age, to fatigue, or to just hearing the sound of the children stirring in the other room, but regardless, he claims to have been perfectly satisfied by my "performance" and mostly satisfied by my own enjoyment.

Don't dwell on it too much and certainly don't apply any more pressure to your partner. And if this problem does continue, don't rule out the idea that he may need to seek medical help in the event that certain other factors may be at play.

Enjoy your time together and make the best of what you have.

Kate

[IceLion]

Here's a bit of a spin on things for you. I am one of those very fortunate men who is capable of having multiple orgasms without ejaculating. This is disturbing to other men and I had a boyfriend that actually broke up with me becuase I never "came". Even though the truth of it was that I never ejaculated, but came several times each time we were together.

-IceLion :bipride:

[twosides]

The old Performance Anxiety monster might be rearing it's ugly head with you two. And I might have missed it in your post, but did you share the age of your partner? Anyway, I have learned that the absence of cumming doesn't necessarily mean that your partner isn't enjoying himself.

<snip>

Enjoy your time together and make the best of what you have.

Kate

I think you may be right there Kate. And your last line is exactly how we're approaching it. btw, he is "over the hill", if the hill crests at 40. No, there really is no problem, other than a little frustration, and all that does is make it more like an adventure to figure out how best to have fun, get out of our heads and feel the moment for what it is.

[jcorlando]

Hi twosides:
I use 'vitamin V' when I am tired or will be penetrating someone with a condom so I do not lose my erection. It always works, except when the 'brain is not engaged'. It is not organic, at least not in my experience. The times when viagra has not helped have been times when I have been depressed or distracted. Otherwise it is a wonder drug ;). I hope that helps. Cheers.

[wellred]

Dear twosides,

You write...

But, in the back of my mind, I still have slight worries that I'm not doing something right. Maybe that's just my perfectionism making it's mark again in my life. What d'ya think?

I believe you may be right about pefectionism having a role is this portion of your life. From the writing in your profile and in other threads, you seem genuinely concerned about being pleasing to others. Serving as an ideal companion seems to be within this spectrum. I suspect that, like me, you want to be the perfect partner, providing bliss to your partner and may be a bit disappointed in yourself when you seem to miss the mark.

As you know, our intellect and emotions do not often work in tandem. In fact if I get my head, heart and body all focused in the same direction, I consider the situation a small miracle. Your education may have prepared you to rationally accept that you are not responsible, but your emotions may be lagging, tongue dragging, behind.

Many of our problems have a way of taking on a life of their own. This may be one of those occurrences. You seem like a rather spectacular man. I find myself wanting to please you, even though we are strangers. I wonder if your partner is pressuring himself, perhaps unconsciously, to please you too. Therefore, he does not let himself relax enough to climax -- to let himself go. Maybe, he wants too much to be perfect for you.

One intervention that I have seen work is to make a pledge with each other not to cum. Setting the boundary takes the issue out of your bedroom. Often this simple act releases the stress of making the body perform.

Regardless, I know that you recognize that you are fortunate to have found a very special person in your life. I trust that you have multiple ways to tell him, to make sure that he hears you and accepts your glowing feelings.

Finally, thank you for your trust in this site and your willingness to expose a rather personal issue.

Warm wishes,
Red

[Bi-ten]

Hi Twosides,

Reading your post I felt compelled to sneak out of my self imposed prison(long story) and get the title of a book that may interest you.

It's called the multi-orgasmic couple, by Chia and Abrams. Although it is not geared towards bisexuals, I find there is a lot of interesting information in it.

Based on Taoist principle that a man is capable of multiple orgasms without actually ejaculating. It takes some practice, but it is possible...and very pleasureable, bringing yourself to the brink and back down again...it can really be amazing.

The idea is that as one ages, the need to ejaculate should lessen and in fact it is best that way. It teaches that with practice, one can divert the sexual energy generated by orgasm (without ejaculate) to aid the functioning and health of the body and mind.

It also teaches how to enhance the union of a couple spiritually and sexually.

Anyway, just to let you know there are options out there for the two of you.

Hugs,

[gayle]

Hi,
Well, I am going to approach this question from a couple of angles. First, you note that he is able to cum when he is masturbating, but not when you are together. I can tell you that if a woman gets used to masturbating with a vibrator and cumming from using it for clitoral stimulation, it is NOT the least bit uncommon for her to have great difficulty cumming during intercourse. What is generally suggested then is that she refrain from masturbating for awhile, or that she find a small vibrator she can use for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. So I will suggest perhaps he needs to take a break from masturbation as he has gotten used to cumming that way and has trained his body to respond to his own stimulation. Maybe after he has refrained from masturbating for awhile, he will be able to cum with you instead.
Secondly, I will state that Viagra is not necessarily the medication that he will respond best to. Perhaps he would do better with Cialis. Cialis, according to a doctor I have spoken to, is more geared to a man with performance anxiety, which it sounds like possibly your boyfriend has. If there is an actual physical cause for his problems, he might do better trying Levitra. The point is that not everyone responds to Viagra, and since your boyfriend is able to maintain an erection & ejaculate during masturbation, he might do better with a different medication. Also, as I suggested earlier, if he refrains from masturbation for awhile, he might be able to sustain an erection & cum with you. It does sound like he's experiencing some performance anxiety.
I am further pushed to the thought that this is a case of performance anxiety because you have been together for a relatively short amount of time, and he says you are the image he has in mind when he masturbates. Sometimes having the fantasy become reality can be intimidating.
Continue to be patient with him. Not every man (or woman) has to cum in order to be sexually satisfied. Keep the communication open and allow yourselves to enjoy one another. Whatever happens, happens. Just enjoy! Try not to worry that you aren't satisfying him. I suspect he'd tell you if there were something he wanted you to do. You will enjoy things a lot more if you can put these concerns out of your mind. Yes, I know, that's easier said than done! Good luck!