Really confussed am i trying to be gay

[AOK2BGAY]

Hi my name is sean and i live in southern california. I am really new to this site and i hope it can bring me some light as to where my sexuality is. recently i have come to believe that i maybe gay or bisexual. well let me start off how i feel about girls. i still find my self liking girls but when it comes to the bedroom i start to hesitate being with a girl just doesn't feel right to me. and then their is when im with a guy in which i have only been with a guy like 5 times but i seem to like it when a guy wraps his arm around me. and kisses me. but i also liked playing with girls. i love anal sex i have a dildo and butt plugs. its like my body says its gay but my mind says i cant be gay. because i was raised Christen so i feel if i was gay i would be letting a lot of people down in the first place. also i feel that by keeping onto my toys and using them maybe im trying to make my self gay. i feel im in a hard predicament here. i ahev come out to my parents once and they made me see a therapist what good that did. she said that ya hes gay. but my parnets still feel when i came out to them a couple of years ago that i was joking well hope someone can help me SeAN

[izzfan]

Hi Sean, First of all I think you've come to the right place as there are loads of people here who can help you and offer you advice. Now you said that you were worried that keeping your toys could 'make you gay'... Don't worry, it won't! I mean you obviously had same-sex feelings before you bought the toys otherwise you wouldn't have bothered getting them in the first place.

As for what you were saying about your religious upbringing, yeah I can see how that could cause problems and as I became agnostic/atheist when I was about 15, I'm probably not the best person to advise you on that. Although I have heard of churches that are quite welcoming to LGBT people I don't know if there are many of those in your area. I mean many of the bible passages that condemn same-sex activity are often taken out of their historical context or are in translation [meanings can often change in translation] , something to bear in mind. Also, if you look in the animal kingdom many animals have been shown to engage in bisexual activity... so I wouldn't really agree with the religious view of same-sex activity as 'unnatural'.

You say that you like girls but feel uncomfortable doing anything with them in a sexual sense. I personally think that you're at least slightly bisexual as you seem to feel attractions towards both men and women. Just remeber that bisexuality doesn't necessarily mean 50% gay 50% straight, some bisexuals are more gay than straight, some are more straight than gay and others go between predominatly gay and predominantly straight depending on how they feel at a particular time. From what you've said, you do seem more gay than straight but bisexual nevertheless.

As for your parents. Yeah, you've got to remeber that your parents grew up in a different time when there was less awareness of LGBT issues so they may view it in a negative way. Perhaps try to re-assure them that you are the same person you were before you came out. Also, your parents sound like they're in denial about the fact that you're gay/bisexual, it may take them a while to come to terms with it. Just try to be well informed about LGBT issues to counter any false assumptions they may have about it.

As for your friends and 'letting people down'. My advice is to be careful about who you come out to. I mean it can get pretty lonely in the closet but on the other hand if you don't think that there is any reason that they should know about your sexuality then there is no point coming out to them if it is just going to cause problems.

Finally, it is possible that you're having problems with internalised homophobia/biphobia - this basically means that you hate your gay/bi side. From what you were saying about religion, it seems likely that this could be the case. As for how to solve it, try talking to other LGBT people that you can trust [if you don't have any LGBT friends then try to make some] and read up about LGBT issues. I think you'll find that you're definately not alone.

good luck, sexuality can be a long road of discovery.

Izzfan :flag2:

[biwords]

It would be hard to improve on Izzfan's advice, but here's my :2cents: as well.

Gay, straight, bi...I wouldn't obsess about it. You can work out the labels later on. For the moment I would suggest that you push them out of mind and just listen closely to what your heart is telling you. (Give the glands a fair hearing, too!) If you want to consider other people's expectations because you care for them, fine, but don't give short shrift to what YOU need and want. If you think that's appallingly selfish, look at it this way: you know those drop-down oxygen masks in airplanes? The pilot tells you to adjust your own mask first, then look after others. Because if you pass out from hypoxia, you won't be able to do others any good anyway...

Very best wishes!

[dfwbi-cyclist]

I'll third what Izzfan said.

Bi/Gay, who cares, no one here (but away from here, I know...).

I do want to touch on the "let people down" comment. Everyone on here would disagree on that one. The only people "let down" are those who are to one extent or the other uneducated/uninformed/unenlightened (take your pick).

As a Christian myself, I do take issue with certain "Christians" (far right) being stuck on the whole sexuality thing (wrong? Maybe/maybe not, and to what degree?). If easing your parents minds is that important, then find a local church that welcomes ALL people and attend. One would think that while your parents may still have an issue, they would at least be happy you are trying to make the right (as far as they are concerned) choices.

Best of Luck

[Herbwoman39]

First of all, welcome Sean. This is a wonderful place where you'll find a myriad of kind, caring people who love to help out.

Second, check out the following link: http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/kleingrid.php

Be very honest with yourself while taking this quiz and it may help guide you in the right direction.

I remember when I first came out a little over two years ago, IBut, don't base everything on the quiz. it's only there as a guide. Only you knknow was obsessed with figuring out what I was (bi, lesbian, straight or something else). This quiz really helped me out.

But don't rely on the quiz for all your answers. Only you know what it is your really feeling. Don't worry about parents, friend or anyone else right now. Just take some time to focus on yourself and figure out what YOU want and what YOU need.

Most importantly, ask questions. Even if you think they're silly or inconsequential, ask them anyway :) We'll be here to help.

[Solomon]

i don't know, is there some ulterior motive for you to be gay, that you would hafta try?

it certainly sounds like your parents try to fix you according to what they want, i'm not sure that that's what the bible truly promotes, if it's percieved correctly.

i have yet to find in there 'take thou son to see therapist if he enjoys butt plugs'

i'm not sure why after seeing their reaction to it that they would need to know anything beyond what you've already told'em, sounds like they just don't wanna know. unless you're also into pain, an humiliation tactics lol.

sometimes parents just don't know and don't wanna know.... it's their problem if they don't want to admit that you're able to make up your own mind. I doubt that that has anything to do with their love for you. :cool:

after all, it's not likely that you're going to just wake up one morning and say "holy shit i'm cured of the gayness!" ya know?

[noostoo]

because i was raised Christen so i feel if i was gay i would be letting a lot of people down in the first place.

It feels to me as if your parents, religion and any others are letting you down but not accepting you. As a 37 year-old who is just beginning to question his sexuality I'm so jealous that you're so aware of yourself now and it's time to explore your feelings and not repress them.

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't all the biblical references to homosexuality in the old testament and the most unambiguous reference in Leviticus right next to the kosher laws. So if you're willing to eat pork and bacon then you should be able to eat any meat according to your preference ;)