Going for it ... advice welcome

[NothingToSeeHere]

Hi everyone!

I haven't posted in a while but I thought now is a good time. Quick history; same ol' story. Knew these "feelings" where with me all my life, but only became self-aware late last year. (I'm a guy also, that might help :P)

I've been struggling (daily) with this since. At the time, I was in a LTR (7 years currently, but off-and-on about 10 or 11 years). I noticed my "dark desires" surfacing more and more. Real sex was less and less important to me and my fantacies became my "erotic zone". So, much like all of you, I went into the "I'm gay and denying it" mindset. Even though I loved this girl w/ all my heart, sex with her wasn't "doing" it for me. It was like I was just there.

Anway, I lost it one day last Oct (what a day ... I don't want to ever go back to that one). I had to tell her. She was shocked. We cried. And cried. And cried. What does it all mean? I guess this means my sexuality took hold of me and usurped (sorry, I love that word) my love for her. How can we go on? How can we live a WHOLE life together if I'm struggling now (28 going on 29 this year)?

So, for the past few months, I didn't know what to think. I would go thru "I'm Bi, no biggie. Just have fun with it". Unfortunetly, it's easy to say, hard to live. So, I would say "Well, these attractions are so strong that you must just be gay and in denial." I guess that means that you have to break up with her and start your new life. It would be scary considering I lean on her A LOT (something I never realized until we went thru this. She was so supportive even though she was dying inside.)

So I started doing the "well, the RELATIONSHIP (i.e. NOT SEX) part with her is wonderful -- I guess I will feel that way with a guy." But my mind then says "how come in the past you NEVER felt "that way" with a guy"? Is it because I was in denial? If that were true, then how come sexually I'm not in denial? Is it because "that is the last straw, you're gay" if you think that way? Questions questions questions, without answers (at least answers that would be consistent from one day to the next)

To the point ... I asked her to marry me this past Sunday morning. And she said yes. (Bet ya didn't think that was coming :) )

That day, March 4th 2007, I couldn't take it anymore. I had a ring for her for a while, but somehow always had an excuse to not give it to her. And that excuse was always "you're aren't 100% sure you aren't gay, so how can you enter into something like this?" "You don't enjoy our sex life anymore, how can you disregard that"?

But on that day, I just didn't care anymore. I realized something that morning, something I haven't thought about.

I'm NEVER going to be 100% sure of anything in the sexual realm!!!!

How can I be? Some minutes, it's Christina Augilera and others it's men. But the one thing I DO know, through all of this crap, is she has been a constant in my life. She (now) knows EVERYTHING about me, and she loves me even more. And I noticed that my guy-down-there was responding again. WOW! Not because of some sexual act, or fantasy, but I found that love is a stimulate in-and-of itself. Maybe that is what I am meant to be like. Maybe that's how I identify myself, not gay, straight, or bi. Just into my girl, even if I don't feel that with other's. And the times that "animal side" takes over, well, there is always porn and fantasies.

As always, that post was longer than I thought it would be. I hope you are still reading this. I hope that this post can give inspiration to someone in my position. I am a calculated, logical, and analitcal person. I don't "willy-nilly" enter into things without certainty. Well, I guess I can't say that anymore. I'm going to give love a chance and the work on the rest. As my girl always told me "I would rather have a relationship built on love, support and fun. Sex is great, but sex doesn't make a successful relationship. If all we had was sex, what happens if we couldn't do that anymore?"

I would like to hear from some of you that can identify with my feelings (hopefully there is at least one!) and see how you and your partner are dealing with it.

(P.S. Yes, I'm FREAKING OUT. I've been thru moods of "what did I do?" to "I can't wait to start our future we've always talked about". But, I'm trying to laugh a little about it, and when I can't take it, she is only a phone call / other room away. How bad can it be if she is by my side?)

[biwords]

Whoo-hooo!! Congratulations, NTSH! You're an inspiration.

[Tommy2020]

Wow... great detailing of your emotions and doings. When you have the unbridled support of either/or your spouse/fiance/parents/close friends/family then you have the world and all it's gifts at your feet. How fortunate for you and your fiance that your relationship can be one based on total and complete truth. Immerse yourselves in this warm light and enjoy to the fullest.
Tommy2020 :) :) :)

[NothingToSeeHere]

Thanks biwords and Tommy!

This is the toughest decision I've ever made in life. Not because of the "forever" nature of it, but because someone else's (that I love A LOT) dreams / feelings are directly affected by my decision. I tried telling myself "you can't gamble on this one .. has to be a sure thing" but once I realized that our LOVE is a sure thing and sex is a crap shoot at best .... I'll take those odds anyday of the week.

Boy I'm distracted today. Keep trying to get work done but keep coming back here. I hate this site! (J/K, I love it! So many great people that can EMPATHIZE with me, not just SYMPOTHIZE. Means the world to me)

[welickit]

When you are older than dirt, like us, you will look back and laugh. You already have what most guys on here would give anything for.......an open honest relationship and you can communicate....for better or for worse. Our neighbors are living the exact life you are talking about. Once I let them know we were aware of their orientations sexually, we have become the best and closest of friends. They have the same exact issues that you are questioning. They are on the outside a couple living their life just like everyone else. They support each other and are a compliment to one another in their life. They accept who they are and what they are. They have learned to live together in harmony and just accept each other. So it really can work. They know we are both bisexual and are very accepting of that. I think our openess with them makes for a common bond.
One word of caution. Keep your private life PRIVATE. Our neighbors didn't and they assumed everyone would accept it. They were so rejected they sold their house and bought the house next to us. We keep their secrets and talk them through issues now and then. We couldn't ask for better neighbors.
Take your time, keep communicating and above all else enjoy life.
Good Luck :2cents:

[angrybytch]

this is my very first post on this site. just thought you should know that you are the first person that posted something i was inclined to reply to, and for that i thank you because i got a lot in my head i need to let out.

i enjoyed your story. it has the perfect ending. i (a woman, in case you couldn't tell by the screenname) have been married for almost twelve years and we have two beautiful kids. About five years into our marriage, i finally told him that i am bisexual. it has been a roller coaster ever since. i have felt unfulfilled with our sex life, craving a woman. we had sexual encounters together with my best friend (huge mistake) which complicated things even worse, to the point that i thought it was all but over. i think we both knew at some point that we were sticking it out for the sake of our kids. i always pushed him away if he tried to touch me, and i never let him into my head about what i find sexually stimulating, intimate, etc. poor guy was probably ready to hang his "guy down there" in the closet.

within the past two weeks, i have really been reading and trying to absorb things that others say on this site, i have been indulging in porn (which i NEVER did in the past because for some reason i thought it made me a bad person or something) and really exploring different things to find out what i find stimulating and enjoyable, because the truth is that i didn't really know what i like. i was always too busy analyzing things instead of experiencing them. i have shared some of this with him, and will continue to communicate what i am passionate about (in all areas of life, not just sex). it's like we are a couple of teenagers again, in love for the very first time and can't get enough of each other. i think just telling your partner what turns you on is a turn on itself. i don't want to be bisexual or heterosexual or homosexual. for some of us i think the labels themselves can be confusing. i am just sexual. and what gets me hot one day may not do a thing for me the next. and that's ok. it's a journey, not a destination. if you can have someone that you love and trust by your side through it all, as we both have, who cares what gender they are? inside we are all just souls anyway, and if two souls can spark an energy, a connection together in an emotional, spiritual, sexual or any other kind of way, then the rest just falls into place as long as we don't try to define everything. society wants to define and label everything, and that's not always appropriate. it's just something that just is. and when two people can understand that something about each other without saying a word, it doesn't get any better than that.

congratulations on your engagement. i completely related to your story and i am glad i can feel so much happiness for someone i have never met.

lem

[CountryLover]

I discovered my bisexuality about 20 years into my first marriage. Telling my (now ex) husband turned our already dysfunctional marriage into a nightmare. Yet I am an honest person, and can't live in deceit or shadows so I have no regrets in my openness.

When I decided that it was time to remarry last year, I set my goals on finding Mr Bisexual Right.

What an immense joy it's been to be able to share ourselves completely! He can relax with me, share his full desires, trust me to meet his needs for the first time in his life. I have the same wonders - plus someone who is helping me grow past the scars of my damaged past.

Go for it honey - Love like you share is priceless.

[glantern954]

This is one of the most enjoyable things I have read here in months. Thank You and good luck.

Save your post in a text file somewhere and look back on it on the days where you doubt your decision.

[Solomon]

NTSH,

just my two cents, but just follow your heart. If you think about it too long, you'll just end up scaring the bejeezus outta yourself, and you'll still follow your heart anyways lol.

you'll either follow your heart to great joys of satisfaction, or great pains of loss.

if you truly need to think, ask someone else to do that for you.

it's written that a good man eats to his satisfaction, an evil one stays forever hungry.

eat well.

[Solomon]

hhmmm it might be more accurate to say that you'll follow your heart to joys of satisfaction and great pains of loss anyways so might as well go with what satisfies ya now.

sorta like, ten years from now you'll be ten years older either way so what do ya want to be in ten years...

clear as mud?

[jedinudist]

I told my wife about my sexual past the day we started talking. We fell in love at first sight (literally), and I was for some reason compelled to be totally open with her.

At the time, I did not accept my sexuality at all, even though I have been an "active" bisexual all my life.

Things came to a head for me in 2006, and after 30+ yrs of fighting myself, suicide attempts, denial, therapy (boy was THAT a mistake), and assorted attempts to "force" myself to be either hetero or homo, my wonderful wife helped me finally accept my orientation and I came out of the closet.

I am Bisexual.

Not heterosexual, not homosexual. Bisexual.

And she loves me just as much now as she did when we first fell in love. And, although I did not believe it possible, I love her even more. I already loved her more than I had thought it possible for one human to love another, and discovered a whole higher level of love once the pain and turmoil of "coping" with my orientation was out of the way.

My whole life improved. I had not realized that this had detracted so much from my whole life.

Congratulations!