Unrequitted love....

[you're_so_foxy]

Hey, I'm lilly
I'm new here and I have a little bit of a problem that I need some advice with.

First, so you can understand where I'm coming from, a little background information:
I've always thought of myself as straight until recently. It was through my best friend (who is bi) that I realized that its okay to like people of the same gender as well as opposite. Right now I go to an all girls Catholic highschool.
(bisexuality is not openly admitted unless you want to commit social suicide)

And now for the problem:
over the summer, before I came to terms with my sexuality, I met another girl who was going to my school the following year. I thought that she was beautiful, but not much more. The first couple weeks went by in a blur, and we were'nt exactly best friends, but she smiled at me in the halls, and I didn't really want more.

That was when things started going downhill...one night at a football game, my friend saw her with a water bottle and smelled alcohol so she assumed that the girl (let's call her bonnie) was drinking...well, we were talking about it, and apparently people overheard us and it got around and the next thing I knew she was in the bathroom bawling her eyes out. Her cousin was the one who came and told me, and apparenty people thought I was calling her a slut and making up rumours...to make a long story short I told her I never mentioned it and told her how sorry I was and that was that.

It wasn't until later that I realized what I had screwed up...I found myself missing her smile more than anything else in the world. I went through alot of depression at the time, and I felt awful for what I had done. More time passed and one of my very close friends (now one of my best friends) became best friends with Bonnie. It was around this time that I realized how much I liked her. I realized how truly breathtakingly goregous she is, and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Things didn't get better between us and she still acted as if I did'nt exist.

Then, as if it could'nt get any worse, it did. At the time I was going through alot of family problems (my dad left my mother without explanation and my grandfather had cancer) and the next day a report was due. My friend loaned me hers to use as reference, but it was'nt in fact hers, but Bonnie's. Well, I did'nt change it enough because I got caught and to my horror it matched Bonnies rather than my friends. It resulted in her bawling again (we were in serious trouble) and for the second time I found myself begging for her forgiveness. My friend also got in trouble, and Bonnie would'nt talk to about it. I felt even worse, especially since Bonnie seemed horribly depressed (she would'nt sit at lunch, she never smiled, laughed, etc.) and it just about killed me. (this whole time I was trying to supress my feelings for her)

Well, one day she decided that she was over her depression and missed my friend, so she became friends with my friend again, and to my surprise, started talking to me. (casual chit-chat) I was absolutely elated. There's this huge parade where I live, and I was going to go with a couple people, including my friend and have an afterparty at my house. She asked me if it was okay if Bonnie went and of course I told her I did'nt have a problem with it. That day was the best day of my life. Sadly, things between Bonnie and my friend got bad, and after alot of drama Bonnie decided that she didn't need the drama and is no longer friends with my friend.

Suprisingly, things between Bonnie and I have gotten better, and we're now good friends. My feelings for her are a problem though, and although I did'nt believe in young love, I'm pretty sure I do now. The only person that knows is my best friend (the one who kind of helped me realize that I'm bi) and she's convinced that I'm madly in love with Bonnie.

I don't expect our relationship to go in that direction, I just can't help but think about it. She is my whole world, and I'd do anything for her. To me she's perfect, and the more I get to know her the more I find we have in common. And it helps that she's beautiful (my mother is convinced that she looks like Liv Tyler's lost sister lol) I want her more than anything else, and more than I thought possible. She's all I think about. My feelings for her have gotten stronger, and needing her has become almost physical. She's my last thought at night and my first thought when I wake up. She's what keeps me going throught the tough spots. I know I can't help but let things just play out, but I'm afraid that I'm going to do something irrational, or when she leaves I won't be able to cope.

Sorry that was so long, but I'm in desperate need of advice, as my feelings are getting much stronger than I had origionally thought possible....
Any feedback or advice would be much appreciated!!

[Cerealk]

Im sorry I cant be of much use to you.

I do want to tell you to keep it up, seems that you have been through trouble. I know this wont help, but all I can say is to follow what you feel is right. No one can choose the outcome but you. The way you described it, im confident in your abilities to pull out of it, w/e happens.

I think a first step would be to determine what you really wish, and what she feels about you.

GL

[Rhuth]

Wow. That was an eerie read for me. Back in high school I was the object of a girl's affections, and I had no clue yet. So that was like reading my own history from her perspective. She did eventually ask me out, and at the time I just could not wrap my mind around the idea of liking girls and guys at the same time. She tried to point out that it is possible to go out with both, but I think I just ended up embarrassing her. It did not hurt our friendship for her to ask me out. I was flattered.

My not getting it did hurt her though. To this day I am still searching for her so I can say "I get it now! Can we try that again?" I wish she were more persistent back then. I wish she had kept trying until I came to my senses. I think that might be asking too much though. Social suicide by same sex rejection once is more than most can handle. Why on earth would she try again?

I really feel I missed out in life by not giving it a try with her. I cared about what she thought and cried over our misunderstandings in the bathroom too. I carried her picture with me everywhere. I thought about her all the time. I look back and realize I was just as infatuated with her as I was with any guy. And she liked me back, and was able to wrap her mind around the idea of bisexuality!

If she is like I was, she will appreciate your social sacrifice for the opportunity to expand her mind. Don't flat out ask her out at first. Ask her what she thinks of bisexuality. You will probably get the "It's fine, but not for me" answer that I gave. I would have appreciated further probing... lol excuse the pun! But I understand why she was not able to.

If she rejects you, I hope you find solace in the fact that she might end up like me and be kicking herself for the next fifteen years!

/Rhuth

[you're_so_foxy]

Thanks so much for the advice!

I think i'm going to wait until we get to be good friends to even think about being more than just friends. My friends and I joke about liking other girls all the time and kind of tease eachother about it and her response is always "I don't roll that way" but then again, I dont expect her to be honest. I'll definatley wait so that I don't screw this up, because I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all just because I moved too soon and scared her away.

She's going to a party with me and we're spending the night at my friend's house afterwards (the one she dosent like anymore) so that we can have somewhere to crash afterwards...this is going to be my first time with her overnight so I'm a little nervous...but then again, who knows? ;)

Thanks again! And if anyone has anything else to add, it will be much appreciated!!
Lilly