A Whole New World

[atrus]

All my life I have, for whatever reason, felt the need to classify myself as either gay or straight. I'm not sure why but bi never seemed like a label I could accept for myself. As you can imagine this lead to 10 years of anguish (I'm 28 now).

3 years ago, I finally decided that I couldn't bounce back and forth anymore, labeled myself as gay and married a man. We had been living quite happily until I started missing women and an ex-girlfriend resurfaced. I ended up doing the unthinkable and had an affair. When I decided to end it, she decided to expose it. I have since 'come out' to my partner as being bi and it's something we struggle with every day.

An open relationship is not an option for him and I don't know what to do. It's not like I would ever want to be with another guy but I find myself missing women on a regular basis. If I didn't love him, this would be easy - but I do - very much.

I've done some research into poly relationships and triads but, again, it's not anything I could have if I want to keep him in my life.

Has anyone else been through anything similar? How did you get through it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
~Atrus~

[Solomon]

For what it's worth, when Flexuality was working through her baggage one of the things that we found theraputic was actually alot of communication and clarifying what exactly we meant about alot of different meanings behind the words we were using.

One of the mediums that we used to clarify alot of issues for us was pornography, we needed that kind of input to simplify what sorts of things that we could agree to enthusiastically, and not so enthusiastically, and what was just not acceptable and so on....

However, I think one of the biggest issues for your situation right now that I've picked up on is that your husband found out not through you, but through your ex-girlfriend. That sounds like it's going to take alot of time and effort to even get to a point where clarification of the issues can happen, because I'm suspecting that there was a definate breaking of the trust.

That is the ESSENTIAL first thing I believe to be addressed by you and him. And I believe there's probably going to be a bit of time and he's probably going to rightfully so expect the extra mile from you so that he can heal from that one, trust issues can go very much deeper than almost any other issues.

On the other hand, this can actually be a great oppurtunity for the two of you to come to an understanding of each other on a much deeper and meaningful level too!

Of course, I could be way off base and then you don't hafta pay attention to anything I just wrote lol.

[atrus]

Of course, I could be way off base and then you don't hafta pay attention to anything I just wrote lol.
You're not off base at all. Trust is the biggest thing that we're having to work on right now. I violated our marriage and feel terrible about it.

The most difficult thing for me right now is that, eventually, I just don't know if he's going to be enough. I can honestly say that I will NEVER cheat on him again and if it comes to that point, I would end things with him first. But he wants reassurance from me and I'm not sure if I can give it to him.

I love both men and women. I love the different dynamics that come from dating each gender. I can honestly say that I've never felt this confused in my entire life.

[Solomon]

wow, that was fast! lol!

In response, the first thing that I can think of is to give it more time and reassurance. I can understand that it might be alot to ask, but what's the alternative?

Maybe another way to approach this would be to stick to the here and now? Right now it sounds like you're perfectly willing to remain commited to him. Right now I sense that he is still very important to you, so maybe that would be the best thing to focus on?

After all, it does take a long time to rebuild trust and even longer still after that for a paradigm to shift, and nobody truly knows what's in our future so I'm wondering if trying to think of ten to twenty years down the road right now is indeed the best thing.

I have heard it said by those much wiser and wealthier than me that 'sometimes you take life one year at a time, sometimes one month, one day, one hour, and sometimes one second at a time'.

I do remember having very similar doubts, and I also remember someone saying once that 'you can quit anytime you want, so why quit now?'. And we focused alot on the here and now vs. the past.

One thing I can assure you of is that it's GREAT to see the other side of that whole mess!! :cool: :cool:

[Solomon]

oh, an just one more thought.

Would you like it if he would be open to an open kind of relationship?

Flex and I both swore up and down for years that she was just not even willing to think of it. As a matter of fact her new thread (straight wives) actually talks more in detail of the kinds of experiences she was going through.