Straight Wives

[flexuality]

I'm not sure if I should be the one to start this off....but oh well, here goes! lol :)

Technically, I suppose I am a "straight wife" but only so far as acting on attractions goes. (At least up until the time of writing this!)

I just kind of assumed all my life that I was "straight" (whatever that means) and never really gave it much thought. It might be more accurate to say that I simply avoided thinking about it.

I feel like I've been on both sides of the fence. Not only do I get to deal with "straight wife finding out her husband is bi" issues, but at the same time I get to deal with the "whoa! I seem to be bi, too" issues.

With an added bonus of being abused sexually (and emotionally, etc) as a child (by family, including my mother) throws a real monkey-wrench into dealing with issues around bisexuality.

When hubby asked me many years ago if I had ever thought about being with a woman sexually, I freaked! LOL! Poor guy - he was probably scared to death to even bring up bisexuality with me after that. It took us a long time to figure out why I freaked so bad.

When he finally broached the subject again and told me he had been with a guy years before we met, I assumed it was an abusive thing. (I had some pretty strange ideas back then lol) When he told me he liked it, I thought I was going to pass out, to put it bluntly.

I remember thinking that he was trying to leave me. (I was naive lol) It was confusing to say the least. I felt a lot of different things back then - confusion, beytrayal, anger, sadness, etc. Scared, most of all I think. That and feeling lied to.

I realize now that he wasn't lying to me. He was probably just as scared as I was, but for different reasons. I mean, really, how does he be honest with his wife who's freaking and doesn't know why?

Thank god we've dealt with a lot of that stuff.

Once I was able to look at this rationally, I think that one of the things that still scared me was that I felt confronted with my own sexuality.

I grew up in a time when porn was "evil", gays and lesbians could be "cured", sexual abuse was not talked about, being out after 11:00 meant you were a slut, and enjoying sex was taboo.

Can we say "baggage?" :eek: LOL

I think when I first realized that my hubby was bi, that I felt pressured (by myself more than by anyone else) to be bisexual myself. Sort of like a club I needed to join to not feel excluded or something. I figured that bisexual people would look down on me if I wasn't bisexual too.

I was wrong. :rolleyes:

I finally had to take the pressure off myself and just relax and be honest with myself about who I am. I had to learn to be ok with being whatever I was, whether it was straight or bisexual, or purple for that matter!

After all, hubby was being honest with me about who he was and I greatly respect that. :)

I don't really like labels as such, and tend to think of myself as human first, though they do help in a kind of general sense. I've always been attracted to both sexes, it just used to scare me silly to be atracted to the same sex. (thanks mom....{ heavy sarcasm})

I am very grateful that my hubby is so patient though. Ok, so he has his moments, like anyone else...lol.

So like I said, confronting my own sexuality has probably been the biggest eye-opener for me since finding out my hubby was bi.

I don't think that way back when he (or me for that matter) ever imagined that I would be bi too! LOL

What a journey.....and it continues..... :) :) :)

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya flex


thats the issues with labels..... lol

hun you can be anything you want....lol...

rip up the labels and throw them away.....

if you wanna be bisexual then throw away the check list.....I did
I am bisexual, I dislike cyber, porn bores me and I am celibate....so I just failed 3 of the top points of being bisexual... not that i care lol

I am attracted to males and females... and often use that to build friendships, cos I don't wanna screw everybody.....and i love having friends..... in fact some of the best friendships are people i was attracted to and never slept with lol

I am bisexual, but i identify with being gay and trans as well.....I mainly call myself bisexual cos I can go with both sexes..... but i can call myself gay cos I don't form relationships that well with females or gays..... but i find gay sex more emotionally furfilling.... and I can call myself trans and there are times that I dislike being in a male body and would perfer to have been a lady.....those times are not random...... they are nearly a constant niggling thought in the back of my head lol

hell if I could, I would identify as a lesbian male hater, as my dislike of some male egos and attitudes, is positively legendary lol.......
one of my most favourite sayings is * why are there more female lesbians in the world, than gay males..... . well its cos females don't fuck assholes... they marry them *

so hun.... use labels like clothes... wear the one that you wanna wear for the time you wanna wear them.... and as you grow in ya experience and sexuality, don't forget to get a brand new wardrobe of labels lol

[Solomon]

For my part, I did have strong suspicions that there was alot going on for Flexuality in regards to her sexuality, mostly it was the extreme reactiveness and later on other clues that I won't get into here.

and I don't have moments of losing my patience, I just become my own biggest patient at the moment lol.

[AngelOfTheMystic]

I just wana say that I commend you for coming out and sharing your story with. It is always hard to share something that personal with people no matter how close you are to him. I just wanted to say that I wish you the best of luck in your future endevors.

[arana]

Thank you so much for sharing and giving us more insight to what you've had to deal with Flex! I commend you for opening your mind and not letting what society dictated control you in the end. I was raised with that same mind set and it was hard because I'd always been attracted to both men and women since I was a child. I was always "different" to begin with so that just gave me one more issue to not "fit in" by.

You're a terrific person Flex and I'm so glad you found the site so we could meet you!!!!

http://i.mynicespace.com/1/129.gif

[m.in.heels&hose]

Yes!
thank you for sharing your story Flex
im sure it was difficult for you to 1) deal with your emotions all these years
2) have the courage to share with countless people you may not ever meet

we are all friends here, and i was touched by your story (story, used for lack of a better word)

it really disturbs me that so many have been hurt so much as a child it makes me wanna cry (seriously) wheter it be sexual, mental, physical or even verbal
abuse!
i too despise "society" and all their do righteousness or else attitudes
i feel this is where all this abuse starts from
why cant EVERYONE, not just a handful just live their lives the way the feel they should, and let others do the same without the ridicule and shame thats "thown" at them?

im going to end here, i could go on & on about this for hours!!!

thank you Flex, and please know that our thoughts are with you!!!!

m.in.heels&hose

[unum60]

Way cool Flex! If you have accepted his sexuality - awesome. Why do you have to go farther and redefine yourself? I like oatmeal cookies does that mean you have to find a favorite cookie to, if you accept that I like oatmeal cookies then you have opened your mind enough --- pat yourself on the back, there are thousands and thousands of people who desire a spouse that can open thier minds, your husband is very fortunate!

Jason

[Bi-ten]

Hi Flexuality,

I love your open minded approach, both towards your husband, and most important, towards yourself. I remember as a boy being horrified that I might be 'one of them', even at a time when I wasn't sure what that meant! I remember feeling relief when I actually felt some attraction to a woman. It is amazing how deeply the power of our friends, families, and society help to repress what we might naturally feel. So great was my fear that it took until my 40's for me to see the truth (gasp).

I have to admit that although not easy, accepting myself has been an exciting and rewarding experience...and it continues each day. The difference now is the ability to open my eyes and mind to all possibilities, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem at first.

I hope that you too are able to overcome your fears and accept the truth of who you are...no matter what your orientation.

God Bless!

[buddyk]

Thanks Flex. My husband is bisexual too. I only discovered it 6ish months ago. (hell he only realized his attractions 3 years ago) !

We're working through it. Both committed to one another and actually talking more now than we did in the previous 28 years we've been friends. His and my 'discovery' of his desires has actually been a blessing in disguise. We are closer now than ever before. and having been brought up very Irish Catholic, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have a lot of baggage too that I have been sorting out over the past few years.

We know we're going to be fine in the long run - this short run of total honesty and yet not hurtful is tough - but I surprise myself sometimes on the fact that I haven't freaked out and so far nothing he's told me (and believe me its been a lot) hasn't sent me running for the hills either. Just the opposite. I love him for who he is - as is. I know its been no party telling me any of it and I see him struggle nearly daily with who he is. But he's great. And I am too actually. :rolleyes:

Thanks for sharing and know you are so NOT alone!

[deremarc]

Thanks flexuality for starting this thread. I was one of the women who had posted a wish for a straight wives club. I have shared so much of my story in other threads and can't quite decide what new I could put here.

When I posted that I wished there were a "straight wives" club or spot to talk, it was more so I could post the negative emotions I feel sometimes, without worrying about offending someone or being bashed for not being understanding and supportive enough. Kind of a safe place to vent the negative feelings that I have at times-without allowing those same emotions to hurt the man I love or upset anyone who would feel I was judging them.

I love my guy and we are becoming closer than ever, but I have still have some issues of my own to work through.

I have discussed private things with some really wonderful people here...and have received support, encouragement, differing views and it all has helped me adjust and become better.

When I found out about my man's sexual activities-it wasn't pretty-I felt hurt and angry, betrayed, abandoned and scared. But, we were also dealing with lying and cheating, a hidden second life and what I think was a lack of true intimacy (although I didn't know it before-he was a master at leading two lives and very good at giving me what he thought I wanted.)

He also was scared, confused and angry with me for knowing. I think there are some similarities in the emotions that dealing with this can cause for some people-but some very real differences as well.

Our emotions:

Anger-Me- that he was lying and cheating, Him that I found out and he had to deal with it-that he felt exposed and vulnerable

Fear-Me that I would lose him to a man-and that he was somehow not who I thought he was (and I admit I was wrong about that) and also fear about diseases Him- fear that I would leave him and wouldn't love him for who he was

Confusion-Me-having no clue that he ever thought about men or threesomes or swinging/swapping and wondering how with all of my confessions and our talks that I had no clue...and me being confused about just what bisexuality WAS. Him-confusion over whether or not he was gay or bi or straight and addicted to sex. (his words, not mine)

Hurt-Me-I felt at first as if our whole relationship was not what I thought it was-that he didn't love me if he could have this other life that I didn't know about...feeling abandoned and betrayed. Him-I don't know his reasons-but I know he felt great pain around trying to deal with this issue...

We have come a long ways now-but still are struggling. It is because of our love for each other and our desire to be together that we are working so hard on this.

Dere

[jackies]

So glad I found this thread...

I felt like i was reading my own words...


I would love to talk to some of you "straight wives" who have gotten through the disclosure of your husband being bi...especially anyone who has gotten through infidelity.


Thanks in advance for your time...


~Jackie

[truelove201]

:female: This thread was very interesting for me and many of your words, thoughts and feelings are my own. We are struggling with so much now and this is all so confusing. I don't understand why coming to terms with a part of him has to mean that he has to have sex with a man. I thought ones discovery meant admitting who you are and embracing that. If he loves me and our sex life is satisfying why add another element to a well working marriage that might destroy it. Why take the chance? I know he is very confused and is rec'g coucelling which I am hoping will help him work through some of his struggles. He has told me that he really wants to have sex with a man...that he wishes he'd done it before we got together but he didn't and now wants to have those experiences. I go back and forth...some times I think well it's not cheating because we are open about it and he is including me and this is something I can't do with him/for him. Then there's the other part of me that says wait a minute it's just sex...why throw everything we have away for sex. I want him to be happy and I love him with all my heart. I accept who he is completely but how can I let him go have these experiences and why does he need to?

I know you have all struggled with this. It means so much to know that I'm not alone and the more people I encounter on this site in similar situations the more comforted I feel in knowing that this is more normal than people are aware.

[Mrs.F]

As a straight wife also, it was so wonderful to have this site and know that I was not going through this alone. It's not like you can go to work or call up your best friend and say..."Hey, I just found out my husband is bisexual". So finding others here in my shoes helped me cope and learn alot. First of all. Everyone's situation is different. Where one husband/wife might be very attracted, emotionally and physically to the same sex, others just want the sex. This is where communication plays a HUGE factor in your relationship. My husband I talked alot and I would ask him questions that I don't think he himself knew an answer too but together we discovered what he did want and what I wanted and where ALL the boundries were.

In the beginning I was positive that our entire marriage was a lie and that there was NO way I could live with him knowing he liked men. But I decided that my marriage and my husband still meant everything to me and honestly....I think he is even more special now. I would rather...anyday have a husband who likes sex with other men then a husband who is a biggott and severely homophobic...I can't stand that!! Just because he likes men, does not mean he must have sex with men, just that he would like to. My husband respects my feelings and our marriage, as I do with him.

In the end...it's something you and your husband/wife will have to work out together, openly and honestly. No one else can tell you how you should feel or what decisions should be made.
I wish you all the best......*hugs* :)

I feel like I rambled.....sorry :compuser:

[DiamondDog]

Here are some sites that may be of interest.

http://www.straightspouse.org/

www.straightwives.com/

[Mrs.F]

Here are some sites that may be of interest.

http://www.straightspouse.org/

www.straightwives.com/


I've never been to those sites before. They are quite helpful. Though I don't need it now, it will be great for those who are just finding out and for the husbands who feel they can't tell their wives. It would be nice if we could maybe have these sites available on here. It seems that alot of women find their way here to this site and are looking for anything to help them understand what they are feeling and thinking they are all alone.

Thanks DiamondDog :)

[truelove201]

As a straight wife also, it was so wonderful to have this site and know that I was not going through this alone. It's not like you can go to work or call up your best friend and say..."Hey, I just found out my husband is bisexual". So finding others here in my shoes helped me cope and learn alot. First of all. Everyone's situation is different. Where one husband/wife might be very attracted, emotionally and physically to the same sex, others just want the sex. This is where communication plays a HUGE factor in your relationship. My husband I talked alot and I would ask him questions that I don't think he himself knew an answer too but together we discovered what he did want and what I wanted and where ALL the boundries were.

In the beginning I was positive that our entire marriage was a lie and that there was NO way I could live with him knowing he liked men. But I decided that my marriage and my husband still meant everything to me and honestly....I think he is even more special now. I would rather...anyday have a husband who likes sex with other men then a husband who is a biggott and severely homophobic...I can't stand that!! Just because he likes men, does not mean he must have sex with men, just that he would like to. My husband respects my feelings and our marriage, as I do with him.

In the end...it's something you and your husband/wife will have to work out together, openly and honestly. No one else can tell you how you should feel or what decisions should be made.
I wish you all the best......*hugs* :)

I feel like I rambled.....sorry :compuser:

:female: I love him and have accepted who he is...period. I can't stress that enough. I want to support him through this but sometimes don't know what else to do either than ask questions and give him a soft place to land. I want to make him feel loved and accepted always. I agree that just because he likes men doesn't mean he has to have sex with them however he isn't in agreement at this point. He is really struggling.

[Mrs.F]

:female: I love him and have accepted who he is...period. I can't stress that enough. I want to support him through this but sometimes don't know what else to do either than ask questions and give him a soft place to land. I want to make him feel loved and accepted always. I agree that just because he likes men doesn't mean he has to have sex with them however he isn't in agreement at this point. He is really struggling.

He's not in agreement that he can't just go out and have sex with a man?? I'm sure he's struggling, but he's also still married to you. If he steps outside the marriage without you knowing or accepting then that will put a huge damper on your marriage. I feel for you both because you are struggling so much with this. But boundries must be set.

[jackies]

Truelove...

Mrs. F is right!!! You know what happened to us and how hard it has been. You MUST set boundries and you MUST have honesty. Infidelity is infidelity no matter who it is with. If you come up with an arrangement as some ppl do that is one thing. But if you do not want him to seek something outside of your marriage and he knows that and something happens anyway...this is a serious violation to your marriage and to your wishes...

My husband agrees...It's about respect...


~Jackie