My dilemma

[Azrael]

I have a girlfriend who's a few years younger than me. We're both bi, so it's not like I'm hiding out in the closet. Problem is, well, two things. First, I've only had one boyfriend and it wasn't serious. I'm constantly second guessing myself about whether this sweet girl is what I really want, because I've never been in love with a man. Second, she's the jealous type. We have a mutual friend who she seems to think I have a thing for. She's letting herself get caught up in what ifs and it's tearing me to peices. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and I never will. She knows my last relationship was an open one, and she knows I'm still thinking about guys. Truth is, I've been burned out on women for a while now. I love them, to be sure, but they drain me emotionally. It doesn't help that I'm bipolar and asperger's. It really messes with my head that I can't just be happy with one person. If I had a boyfriend, I'd probably be starving for female contact. It's my fucking curse and it makes me feel like I'm defective or something. But I do love her, and she's so supportive of me dealing with my mental issues. My whole life my homosexual tendencies have been beaten down in favor of what is "acceptable' by family and even friends. As such my male stirrings refuse to be ignored. She's starting to warm up to the idea of me maybe having some fun on the side. Problem is I'm not an empty sex kind of person. It's impossible for me not to develop some degree of attachment to someone I'm intimate with. With my last girlfriend it was "have all the fun you want, just don't get emotionally attached". I suppose I can't blame her for wanting me all to herself, we were in love. I just hate feeling like someone's fucking possession.
My last girlfriend got me to come out of my shell about being bi, but when I really started exploring it, it was too much for her. Not to mention at the time my mental health was in a downward spiral. It destroyed our relationship. I love the girl I'm with now and I'm terrified of breaking her heart. On the other hand, it feels like a part of myself is dying. I don't know what the hell to do.

[bigirl_inwv]

If you aren't happy and you're stressing over this relationship...then that's probably not good for your mental health. No matter how supportive she is of you. You aren't satisfied with your situation right now, and I think you should change it. If that means leaving her, then thats what you need to do. As much as you don't want to hurt her, you have to look out for yourself. Relationships are a two way street and you can't stay just for her. If you aren't happy, it will show and then in the end, you will end up hurting her anyway.

[AngelOfTheMystic]

I am a firm believer that you need to have honesty and trust in a relationship or you don't really have a relationship at all and I think that you should be competely honest with her about what it is that you are wanting and if she can't deal with that or be supportive than I think that it would be best that you move on. I hate to say that but you need to be true to yourself and what you want and or need as well as to her. Good luck.

[pasco_lol_cpl]

Im sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your situation. About the only bit of advice that I can offer is to seriously review if you want to continue with the relationship. From what you have said she is a very jealous / insecure person and to be honest, its been my experience that relationships with that sort of dynamic are not normally healthy and usually wind up ending in a bad way.

[FerociousFeline]

Hey Az,
You might want to check my post on monogomous relationships. I think there are some things there that might apply to your situation. I feel for you man, I get where you are coming from but I'm not sure what the real solution is. It is my belief that most of this is about whether your connection to same sex is about being physical, or emotional. Many would argue with me on this next point, but I am of the opinion that your average woman has all the masculine energy that your feminine side could ever need. It is my belief that the real trick here is to find a spirit to bond with who is on the relatively the same level you are in regard to your spirits evolution. If you mate or bond with someone who is too far behind or in front of where you are at, there will be dissonance and disharmony. If you bond or mate with someone who is close to your position on the path of your spiritual growth, then things will fall into line and become much more balanced. For example. In a good pairing of men and women, both are aware that they are each both masculine and feminine, dominant and submissive, light and dark, assertive and passive, etc. The trick to a solid bonding is to have the opposites of each particular trait matching in both partners. It is my belief for example that most of the feminist movement is a crying out by women to desperately express elements of their spirit and soul that society up until this point had kept gagged, beat down and intimidated. But the yang energy in a woman is no more able to remain quiet in a woman, than it is able to do so in a man. Yang energy goes OUT. Period. Likewise, more and more men are becoming aware of the fact that their YIN energy is not ONLY nothing to be ashamed of, but something to be intensely celebrated. But as a society or a culture or a race of human beings, we still have a lot of work to do. We must ultimately discover that none of these elements are complete in their singularity. Nature builds everything in equal opposites. So.........(sorry that was a little out there but I wanted to give you the background behind my thinking here) Purrhaps what you are really bumping into with this problem is your unconcious recognition of this situation. Maybe what you need is a woman who can be the man you need.........or a man that can be the woman that you need. Regardless, the number 3 will never divide equally, and so therefore can never be equal. Make sense?

Hoping this helps...

FF :2cents:

[Solomon]

I don't know if this helps, but I had similar issues before and the only way for me to start moving in the right direction for me was to let it get to a point that I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I needed to realize that I was never going to get anywhere by always taking on her problems.

Then I put my foot down an said something like " I love you, but this is what I'm feeling, this is not going to just go away and if that's too much for you then maybe we're not supposed to be together and we're just finding out."

What I found was that it actually helped to build my relationship and her respect for me because I was no longer willing to live a lie and I was willing to sacrifice everything in order to live being honest with her and myself.

Of course that took time, and alot of patience for both of us but I believe that taking that stand and sticking with it and then working through the issue together was well worth it for us.

I don't think it's like that for everyone. But I'm grateful it was like that for me.

[flexuality]

Just to add to what Solomon is saying...

From the female perspective in that kind of situation....I am not sure if "jealous" is as accurate as "scared and confused" would be. At least for me....maybe they're the same thing, I don't know.

Either way, when one partner in a relationship senses that the other is not being completely honest, it tends to cast doubt into all areas. And the longer it continues, the worse it gets.

For whatever reason, I think it tends to show itself as being jealous and possessive, but I really do think that in my case anyway, that that was only "surface" stuff, when deeper down it was really just a lot of confusion.

Being a very sensitive and caring man, I think my husband wanted to be sensitive to my feelings and not "hurt" me, but it seemed to have the almost opposite effect, where I eventually felt invalidated and he felt like he was taking on my problems.

After a while, the real issues become lost.

To be honest, I was very glad when he put his foot down, so to speak, because now we can talk about things a lot more openly. :)

I gained a lot of respect for him.

I never wanted a "possession." I think what I wanted was honesty, trust and communication, and I probably get a bit stubborn about that and confuse the issue. :(

Finally being honest with each other has been well worth it for us. :)

[biandu]

Hi baby- damn- another GF already wtf.

You KNOW what you need to do.
take a break from being a BF.


alone time is a good thing.
--you can sort shit out
concentrate on getting yourself grounded
explore
and get to know people as friends.


IMHO.

[Azrael]

Hi baby- damn- another GF already wtf.

You KNOW what you need to do.
take a break from being a BF.


alone time is a good thing.
--you can sort shit out
concentrate on getting yourself grounded
explore
and get to know people as friends.


IMHO.
I think you're on to something there.

[Azrael]

Hey Az,
It is my belief that the real trick here is to find a spirit to bond with who is on the relatively the same level you are in regard to your spirits evolution. If you mate or bond with someone who is too far behind or in front of where you are at, there will be dissonance and disharmony.


Well, it's done. I finally split with her. She was pretty upset but I think she took it relatively well. Eventually I want a partner with whom I consider myself equal. Really, though, I do need to be single for a while. I've been so afraid of being alone I've just jumped from person to person and never given myself any time to heal. I've never had an equal partner in my life who excited me intellectually as well as physically. She's a sweet girl but she's 18 and has a lot of stuff to figure out about herself. I'm 24 and am just on a different level than her. Not necessarily a better one, but farther ahead. I was afraid of hurting her but as one of you said I can't do it just for her. It just wasn't working for me.

[FerociousFeline]

Kudos on making a decision that supports both of your well being and growth. As my beloved ex taught me, sometimes you need to take a break from other people to really look inward. You cannot offer a partner what they need from inside themselves. I know that must have been very difficult Az, and if you ever need to talk I'm available for you.


FF