Two Sides to Every Story

[teddysmagic]

I have sat by and read the forums and admire so many folks that are so honest in their emotions.

I am a married women and I have to say I love, deeply love my husband. My husband is bisexual and is a member of this forum. I have read many posting that have made me laugh, many have made me cry and a few have made me angry.

I will not mention any name used, I don't think that is fair. I will say though that thoughout our marriage (I have read postings he placed on this subject) we have had MANY good times, and we have had Difficult times. His sexuality has caused many "demons" inside him. I knew this person was bi-sexual before we married, even before we met I knew. It doesn't change anything about the person he is or about his spirit.

We have had sexual encounters with two men, and both of them I believe although certainly were stimulating and exciting, nothing compares to my one on one moments with this very tender man.

I know how he speaks of the demons that haunt him and how "society" believes this is wrong. Society has a funny way of making people think the laundry always has to be white to be good. Yet behind closed doors, "society" is probably the biggest offender of dirty laundry.

Our family has had medical issues that have seemed to plague us for five plus years now. But as a family you come together stronger and support each other. You don't bury things in the sand and run away.

My husband has battles with chemical abuse, and I have stood proudly by his side. When he battles with those chemicals is when we have the most problems. I tend to clam up because I know that saying anything makes him feel worse about the situation, he thinks I am "nagging" and it pushes him farther into the dark cave inside his mind where those haunting demons live.

He has been in the hospital over his depression and chemical abuse. I still stand by his side and I will continue to do so.

I share his fantasies about bisexual encounters, we openly discuss it and it is a source of sexual stimulation when we want it to be. I am not turned off by it, I embrace the man for who he is, inside and out.

I read a posting by him from last year when he is discussing his home life with me and the particular situation we were in. One person responded that it sounds like you have to get rid of this situation. In this posting my husband told of how I was not responsive to him, I pushed him away, I did not want to be intimate with him.

This is the one that made me angry. You see (just as with this posting) you never know the other side. I have heard the same things being told to me, you didn't hug me, you were silent, we haven't made love in a week, I felt alone. What I have told him is and the TRUTH is, I would try for hours to wake him up on the sofa, I would wait up until I could not longer hold my eyes open for him to come home. I would sit on the sofa crying as he slept because I was alone, I wanted love and attention so bad, I so craved it, yet the man I love was chemically in a "coma". Whether he popped it or poured it down his throat, I sat alone night after night. Then when he came back to life, I'll admit I was burning inside because if I said anything, then he would get angry and tell me I didn't have to make him feel worse. And if I mentioned that he hasn't been home or he always slept iin a chair or on the sofa and that is why we were not intimate, then I was attacking his manhood. And thus pushed him farther away.

Well pardon the hell out of me. I think I am a good wife and mother, I think I am not perfect in anyway and I believe I can go from pussycat to superbitch in record time. But I have stuck by this man and the problems he faces, no WAIT the problems WE FACE. I am there with him.

We have been married for about ten years now and I found out for over 3/4 of our marriage he has been having an affair. Ongoing right under my nose. I have asked many, many times and even have been friends with this WOMAN, yes a woman. I would probably feel better if I knew it was a man.

So as the people post things in here, just understand that there are two sides to each story. I guess one trying to justify the other.

I don't know where my marriage is headed, but I do know that if my marriage ends, it will have nothing to do with his bisexual side, it will be because how can you TRUST a man that has lied to you for nearly ten years? Then in that there are two sides as well. The side I love is telling me how awful he felt and that it really wasn't good. Then the Other Woman telling me how aroused he was and in great details what they did and when.

What side do you believe?

Anyway I guess I just wanted to vent. I love this man, bisexuality and all. And up until my discovery I believed he loved me too. But how can someone love you when then have led a secret life for so many years?

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!!!

Are there other wives out there that live this?

My husband has also said I do not accept his sexuality, NOT TRUE

OK, I think I have vented enough. God Bless. :bibounce:

p.s. no spell check so forgive any errors, I am hurt, angry and torn.

[Tomnc]

I struggle to find some words that can help. You are hurt and angry, as I would be. It is so easy to make grand judgements here, post advice based on so little knowledge. Instead, I can only say that I hope you will find support and love, whether with your husband or with someone else. I am concerned that he crossed a line from which you cannot return. Good luck.

[12voltman59]

I have never been married but have several long term sigificant relationships in my life and a number of shorter term ones--all with females.

I know that things are different in a marriage than when two people "only" live together in terms of legal and other responsiblities --also the fact that the state of being married itself has so many things tied to it that is not there when you are not married--that said---the basic issue of trust between two people in relationship remains and is vitally important whether married or not.

It does not really matter what the issue is--to hold any matter of great substance from your partner is corrosive to the relationship.

I wish you both the best with this and it does seem you love your man and are committed to your marriage--I wish you all the best.

[spartca]

Wow teddysmagic, what a story! Sounds like you could use some support.

First off, everything's worse and grotesquely different with addictions issues going on. They must be addressed. Are you going to alanon meetings or some other support group of this nature? I would consider it if I were you.

Then is your hubby working a program of recovery? There are all kinds, but I say whatever works is what works. I'm not particularly into sitting around talking about higher powers with a bunch of alcholics, but if that's what I need to stay quit, I grin and bear it.

Then you might both benefit from individual and couples therapy. There are a number of poly- and bi-friendly counselors in California, and I'd be happy to help you find a good one.

Lastly, support groups for bisexual and polyamorous issues can be a great benefit- you can see what works for others and get their support and wisdom.

Let me know if I can help in any way! :)

[ambi53mm]

Teddysmagic,
The power and passion of your words hold much truth. I find it difficult to even utter a worthy response and will let those words ring in my heart where they have settled. Thank you for sharing that which lies within you.I am humbled with the humility of my own humanity and by the needed reminder of the other side.

Ambi :)

[teddysmagic]

You know I was VERY hesitant to write what I did. I did not know how it would be taken or what responses I would get. In the state of mind that I am currently in, I didn't know if I received hardcore knocks if my heart could take it. That probably sounds silly.

12Volt, Spartca, and tomnc thank you for your responses.

To address a bit of each one, yes marriage is a different sense of committment than a simple living arrangement. We were not married in a church setting, but it was a Christian ceremony. I honor my vows, I will until the day that God takes me from this earth, unless he were to tell me he did not want me anymore. Then I would slither away with my broken heart.

Addictions are so powerful. I have been to several Alanon meetings, I have been to manic depressive support groups, I have been to support groups for couple trying to put together their lives after infidelity. I belong to at least 5 online groups. I can't concentrate on anything but trying to dig for reasons, answers and solutions. We each have therapists and we did begin couples therapy, I am not sure how that will go.

It is disturbing to me that there is no committment to the other side of my story. I can hear many explanations, work, I don't want to leave you, you need me, you don't trust me if I'm out, I'm tired, no meetings in our area, too early, too late, didn't like the group the list goes on.

I don't know if my heart can bear the thoughts of relapse again which no doubt leads his way back to this same woman. Who then ends up contacting me to rub it in my face. Then I hear the other side how everything is untrue. OH Lord!!!! I could go on and on. Like I said, it would have been more explainable if it were a man or even meeting a couple online. But this was straight sex with a woman. WHOM is disgusted by the gay/bisexual life style. Now explain that one to me.

My head is telling me I may be the fool here, my heart is telling me to love, support and remain committed to my husband.

They say follow your heart right?

Who are "they" and how do "they" know so much?

Anyway, bless all of you. I am trying, I am trying to do the right thing, I am trying to be a good partner (again, I can be a super bitch too, I am NO angel) but I am here, I am supportive, I will continue on that path.

I could fill an 8 hour day with my online forums, my support groups and then a couple hours to fall apart and have my pity party. Thing is, I am the only one who ever attends.

In closing I do want to say, when my husband is on, he is on and the most attentive person in the world. I am showered with gifts, even a simple single rose, I am showered with complements even on a bad hair day, that extra pound, he kisses it. I could not have it better. However when the evil demons of chemicals and the lack of taking medications that are needed overpower the good, then we end up on Destruction Highway.

I don't want anyone to think this is husband bashing, not at all. He is a good man, a man that is bisexual, a man that can be so turned on in fantasy, a man that longs to feel, smell and touch the skin of another man. A man that knows how to please a woman, a man that is caring, sensative and tender. Yet the wild side is a riot too. And I love it all. I want to share in his bisexual pleasures, it may seem freeky, but it excites me too.

OK, I'm done. Just pray that the evil demons from the darkside lose this battle. Cuz I am prepared to fight it.

Thanks :)

[teddysmagic]

Ambi, thank you.

I just had to sit back and have a good cry. My life is a bucket of tears these days.

I am so glad I posted today.

:rolleyes:

[bohemian69]

I just wanted to say that you are a truly strong woman. As a bi-husband myself, I also have struggled with my own demons. If not for the love and support of a loving, beautiful and understnading wife (much like yourself) beside me, I really get scared to think of where I might be today if it were not for her.
I hope your husband is able to find a way to conquer his demons, and he realizes what a great woman he has by his side.

Good luck.

[glantern954]

You might also want to try: http://www.straightspouse.org. At the very least there will be others who may be going through similar things.

[spartca]

Yes teddysmagic he is blessed to have you! :)

Hopefully you have support for yourself so you don't burn out in the process of trying to support him. Let us know how we can ever help! :)

[NorthBiEast]

It sounds like you are a classic alcoholic's wife. I don't know how many times he's sobered up, but I bet its a ton. I can only hope that he is able to see what you have written and recognize the love and worry and hurt you've been through, and that he can use it as motivation to get and STAY clean. Sometimes it takes losing the ones you love most to make you see just how much you need help. I hope that it doesn't have to go that far for you. :grouphug:

[onewhocares]

Hello,

I am Belle and I am the straight wife of a bi man. My love does not face the demons that your love has to deal with, for that we are lucky. Your husband is most blessed to have such a wonderful and understanding partner in his life. I know that I may reitterate what so many straight wives may feel. What they feel and desire from a man had nothing to do with what we can and DO give them. WHen I first came her I was welcomed by so so many wonderful women, that made my journey a much smoother ride because of these ladies. Should you need another woman who has SO been in your shoes, I am here.

Belle

[jookboxcharlie]

I am hurt, angry and torn.

(hug)

And to think my ex-wife gave me a hard time over playstation.

I can only offer this- cheaters are cheaters. Gay, str8, or bi. If one cannot respect the boundaries of the relationship, then they are not worth it.

[Celtiff2106]

First things first, ((((((hugs)))))). I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to make your life all better.
Second point: I feel for your situation, I know what it is like to be "tethered", in a way, to someone who is destructive. I was not married to them, but my parents are two very destructive people. Unfortunately you cannot pick your family. But, you CAN pick who you spend the rest of your life with. I do understand the need to stay with him though, you feel as though you made a commitment; and you did. But that commitment does have conditions. It sounds kind of mean but it is true. He cannot treat you like this and not expect for you to just take it. I honestly could not take what you have put up with. You are a very strong woman. Very strong. Just remember, in all of the drama about him, don't forget to take care of yourself.
The best advice that I have ever gotten in rough times is to just take it one day at a time. That is the best you can do.
I hope that I helped. My thoughs/prayers are with you.
Sincerely,
Tiffany

[teddysmagic]

Everyone has been so wonderful.

Thanks for all the hugs, it really does help.

Like I have said, I am so torn. I too hope that he reads this and realizes how close he is to losing what he professes to love so much. In my entire life I don't think I could find another man who loves me the way I am (plump) who can be so wonderful on one side, and so destructive, demeaning and lying on the other.

I read a post about wanting to argue and fight and how they were met with silence. When someone is drunk and you can't stand the fowl odor of their skin, you tend to keep a distance. You also basically have nothing to say.

You know I do feel a bit better. I have put up with a lot. I have stood tall and by his side. Not many women would put up with a drunk, lying, cheating, pill popping, bisexual, unfaithful man for the length of time I have. But yet I stay.

I can put up with a lot, but the lying and cheating are bottom line. I can forgive once, never forgetting, but forgiving. However, another time and he can watch my fat ass walk away.

I do hope you read this baby, I hope you know how serious I am. Someone out there will appreciate me with all my faults. At least I don't drink, don't abuse drugs, and I don't shatter the hearts of the people I love. I am faithful and devoted but only when I receive that in return.

Again, thanks support. Sometimes little things empower you. Funny how that works.

[csrakate]

It's time to detach with love. Until you allow him to realize what is at stake, until he realizes what he stands to lose and until he recognizes that he is at his absolute rock bottom, nothing is ever going to change. You need to step aside and let that happen and quit enabling him by picking him up when he falls. That does not mean that you do not love him, it merely means that you will no longer ALLOW him to continue to act in the manner that he is acting now and you will certainly not continue to stand by and watch him self destruct. I know you mentioned that you have been to a few Al-Anon meetings and it doesn't sound like you've been very impressed so far, but I hope you will give it another chance. Not all Al-Anon meetings are right for you but I encourage you to shop around and find a group that suits you. It is a wonderful program that will help you learn how to find the strength to live your life unfettered by the illness that is dragging your husband down. Stop worrying about what he needs and start concentrating on YOU a bit more. Believe me, I come from a long line of martyrs, and it's no way to live your life!!! The stronger you are the better off the both of you will be!!

I wish the best for you!

Hugs,
Kate