OT: Children of Late In Life Divorce

[Herbwoman39]

I've got nowhere else to go with this as I am an only child. None of my friends' parents divorced so I've got nobody else to ask these questions of. I am hoping that some of you all have gone through something similar so that I can get some advice on how I should handle the situation.

After 42 years my father is finally divorcing my mother. He is moving in with another woman. I refuse to make any value judgments on this because my parents have never, to the best of my recollection, been the portrait of a happily married couple. My mother has had multiple (and still has) medical issues and is disabled. Both of them have had affairs at least once.

My mother is extremely co-dependent on my father even though he has been emotionally distant for quite some time. All her married life she has been afraid to try to make it on her own so she has stayed. She has no other friends she feels she can confide in so guess who gets heaped with really inappropriate information?

A good chunk of my life has been (note the sarcasm) just a whole lot of fun to grow up in.

Please understand that I love both of my parents very much. I have separated myself from their issues. The divorce is what is going on between them. I consider it separate from my relationship with them as individuals.

So we come to my questions.

I don't know if my father knows that my mother told me about the divorce or the extenuating circumstances. But I want him to know that I still love him and want him to be a part of my life regardless of the situation. How can I approach him without letting my mother know that I'm talking to him? If she finds out, she'll feel betrayed and possibly even think that I am telling him things she has asked me to keep in confidence.

I understand that as an older child of divorce I'll go through similar stages of grief that someone who has lost a loved one goes through. Any pointers on self-comforting?

I've been told by other people that I should be comforting my mother in her time of grief. I have problems with that because she tends to overstep my boundaries continually telling me things about my father that I REALLY do not want to know. How can i talk to her without hurting her more than she already is?

How did you deal with the late life divorce? Did you ultimately choose a side? Tell me your experiences. I need all the help can get right now.

[NorthBiEast]

While divorce is not something that I have personal experience with, I work with kids who are dealing with some of the same issues you are right now.

I encourage them to not even mention one parent to the other, whenever possible. Stuff like, "she's doing ok" is fine, of course, but not "so, she's doing Thing X and Person Y." It sounds like you've already been able to step back from thier relationship a little bit, and that's good.

I think that it is important that you DO tell your dad that you still love and care for him. You can do that without telling him about your mom's poor boundaries. He'll probably guess that you already know stuff, but he doesn't need to know for sure.

Same with your mom. Just because you love her doesn't mean that you need to be the secret keeper. Keep your boundaries and encourage her to find some friends that she can talk to.

I hope you have people you can talk to too (like real, in person people), because your folks aren't going to be the only ones needing a little extra boost right now.

I wish you wellness. :grouphug:

[Herbwoman39]

Thanks North :)

I *do* have people I can talk to IRL but they're really not being very helpful as none of them have divorced parents. I just wanted to see if I could find others that have been through this to see how they coped and what they did.

Thanks for the help. I appreciate it.

[flexuality]

Boy do I relate to this herbwoman!

I will post more probably tomorrow, but I wanted to let you know that I have been through almost this exact thing.

It is almost eerie reading your words.....it is so much like what I went through.

I feel for you...and I will get back to this thread as soon as I can.

Hugs to you

[Nara_lovely]

Adults comfort and support a child or children through a divorce.
Rare to find literature or advice for the 'child' supporting and comforting the adults.
So; as you said, you are going through the process of coming to terms with the changes. This takes time no matter what the age, the deep personal emotions are still the same.

The differences to what you face, is an altering and adjustment of the personal interactions and conversations...but why feel concerned that you are interacting with both parents as individuals?

I see the word boundaries and I think you are on the right path. Sort out what YOU can accept, and be strong enough to say so. It will be tough for them after so many years (good or rough) of being a 'couple', so it's up to you if you can handle being the one to listen to them. Doesn't mean you have to resolve, solve, or discuss the situation...just be there for them; but only if you want to. Remember that you are worth looking after too!

[deremarc]

My parents divorced when I was 7, not late life, but the similarities are there. I was the 5th of 8 kids, but for some reason my mom decided I was her "confidante". Our time together became a source of distress for me-I would hear about his affairs, his sex life, how mean he was (and believe me stories of your dad's sex life at 7 can be overwhelming and devestating).

I wanted to be there for my mom, I thought she needed taken care of and protected-I struggled with that role for a long time. One day, when I was about 15 I told her I couldn't be that anymore-that I knew she hurt, but he was still my dad and I loved him. I've told her several times since, that she needs to find a friend to talk to-that I can't be that for her.

I don't think you should take sides-and I think that you shouldn't start hiding your relationship with either parent from the other. Decisions like that are too hard to reverse.

As for self-comfort...all the same old good advice applies-take time to eat well, excercise, get plenty of rest. Take time for yourself, time to talk about it if you want. Take this time to establish separate relationships with both of your parents. Take time to cry if you need to. Did I mention take time? Eventually, the pain subsides-and just like a death in the family...you may think you are doing good and it can come back and hit you at odd moments. That still happens to me.

You can still comfort your mother without allowing her to switch her co-dependence to you. You can still love her well, and be there for her, without hearing about things you can't handle. It may upset your mother (I know it did mine) if you stop her when she tells you those things, but it is not our responsibility to deal with others emotions and pain for them. I believe your mother (like mine) can learn to respect you as an adult and respect the boundaries you need to have as a child of your father.

Hoping everything goes well for you. Hugs. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Dere

[flexuality]

My parents divorced after 40 years of marriage too. My mother was very co-dependent as well. Your situation sounds very much like the one I was in.

My mother put me in the same position it sounds like your mother is putting you in. I, too, felt that if I talked to my dad that she would feel betrayed. I got to hear all the inappropriate stuff too.

I also was told by some that I should be "comforting my mother", but what I found was that doing that for a co-dependent parent after a while feels like emotional incest.

While I felt for my mom, I got very resentful of her setting up these emotional "triangles". I think it is very unhealthy to put kids (of ANY age) into a position of divided loyalties - they only end up resenting the one that they feel they "should" be loyal to.

Unfortunately, I got stuck in that trap for quite a while and was "loyal" to my mother. It ended up where I couldn't be involved with ANYONE without her feeling betrayed....and then me feeling guilty. She hated anyone I was ever involved with. It would get really weird.....if her and I had a fight, then she would "side" with whoever I was involved with and put me down to them. It could get really ugly.

I spent a long time in therapy dealing with this stuff. My mother might be more extreme than most. She did a lot of very inappropriate things with me most of my life. My mother did not know boundries either.

After meeting my husband (who, of course she hated) I finally had had enough. But I tell ya, breaking away from her was one of the hardest things I ever did. It's soooo hard when it's your mom, ya know? On the one hand I loved her, on the other I hated what was happening. It was killing me.

It got very ugly. She retaliated BIG TIME. She did the same thing to my dad when he left. God, she could be vicious!

After a lot of councilling, I tried to have a relationship with her that was healthier. It didn't work. She was unwilling to change - she won't even entertain the idea that that she might need to.

But that's just MY mother. Yours might be different. I don't mean to scare you or suggest that it would turn out like that for you. I no longer see my mother at all. When I tried to, she would be pleasant, then stab me in the back once she left.

As for my dad....I didn't see him for a number of years. I was afraid to....the loyalty to my mother thing. It was only after I realized that I needed to break away from my mother that I finally saw my dad. I only saw him once. It was the best few hours I ever had with him.....then he died.

I still have a lot of emotion around that.....it's kind of theraputic to write about this for me.....

You asked about self-comforting. That's a tough question. For myself, I had to finally ALLOW myself to feel the things that I thought I "shouldn't" feel. Like anger, resentment, loss, betrayal, etc. I spent a long time trying to "be okay" with all that happened, when the truth was that I was NOT "okay" with it. It wasn't until I acknowledged this that I started to feel "okay" with not feeling "okay". Clear as mud huh?

I do not recommend taking sides. Maybe if your mom had some information on the loyalty issues that kids (of any age) face when parents divorce? I know I had to deal with this with my own kids when I divorced their dad. It seems to be a "normal" thing they go through. I think that sometimes a parent will feel that because a child is loyal to both parents, that it means the kids don't love the parent who is trying to divide the loyalty.

I dunno....maybe if your mom understood that you love her and that just because you love your dad too, doesn't take anything away from that, and that seeing your dad is not taking sides.

My brother actually handled the inappropriate info better than I did. He told my mom that he was supportive of her, but that he did NOT want to hear those kind of things about his father and every time she tried to start telling him that stuff, he'd just come out and say "if you're going to talk about dad that way with me, then I am not going to talk with you right now".

I'm getting very long winded here....

It's not an easy road to travel....and I agree with what others have said here in that you need to look after YOU.

I learned the hard way that when I was always "being there" for my mother and listening to the things I would rather not hear, and putting her needs ahead of my own, that all I was really doing was becoming co-dependent myself.

I wish you well.

[Herbwoman39]

Hugs to everyone that replied :)

I'm doing what Dere said and taking time. As much as I feel that I need, as a matter of fact. I'm not going to say anything to either of them until I can say something coherently and calmly. That's going to take a little while. But that's okay because there really isn't any time limit on this.

I'm also doing what Nara said and looking after myself. After all if I don't take care of me, well it just won't be a pretty thing at all.

Flexuality, "emotional incest" hit the nail on the head. So I've decided that I'm just not going to make myself available to my mother as long as she refuses to respect my boundaries. So far, so good.

Thanks again everyone. You all really helped me sort this out for myself and I'm very grateful to each of you. (((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[orangecrush]

Hi,

Here's my take on self comforting...

Always keep two pints of your favorite Ben and Jerry's ice cream on your freezer door (one to eat...and one as a spare).

You don't even have to touch them if you are on a diet, but somehow just knowing they are there makes conversations with unreasonable people easier to bear.

:) Heather

[Herbwoman39]

Hi,

Here's my take on self comforting...

Always keep two pints of your favorite Ben and Jerry's ice cream on your freezer door (one to eat...and one as a spare).

You don't even have to touch them if you are on a diet, but somehow just knowing they are there makes conversations with unreasonable people easier to bear.

:) Heather

LOL! Only problem with B&J is that I'm lactose intollerant and it does horriffic things to my poor lil body.

I like chocolate chip cookies from the Publix bakery better ;)