HELP! Is my girlfriend bi or a lesbian

[MyGirlIsBi]

any input would be apprecited so thanks. im a male and have been dating a female for 8 months now. ive known this female since 7th grade and am 22 years old. we were never really close but got along. we lost touch in 10th grade and ran into eachother at my work about a 10 months ago. she had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship with a girl when we ran into eachother. we spoke for 2 months and she said she wanted to date men now, me in particular. im what u would call a nice guy and i knew we would need 2 take it slow since not only did she just get out of a serious relationship, but it was also with a girl. the issue is that we arnt very affection, infact almost non existent even after almost a year of dating. i even tried kissing her 4 months ago and she didnt kiss me back. in every relationship ive been in weve been been kissing inside of a week lol. ive asked her on several occasions if shes sure she wants to date a man and she gets angry and insists she knows what she wants and that she just needs time 2 get used 2 being with a guy. im convinced shes a lesbian and is only dating me because im a "nice guy" or shes in denial because she was hurt in her last lesbian relationship. however thats not up to me to decide its up to her. i just wanted to get some insight from bisexual and gay people to see if im overreacting and should just let it flow naturally or if i should end the relationship and just remain friends. keep in mind we hold hands, hug, talk about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, but only kiss on the cheek and weve been dating 4 8 months and we r both 22 .anyones and everyones opinion would be greatly appreciated thanks. if u have any questions that would aid in ur accessment of this situation feel free to ask, ANYTHING u want to ask, im not bashful or close minded. thanks again to everyone.

[bookworm]

Hate to say it, my friend, but End It. She's working out issues, and you're the convient way to remain in "neutral" until she decides where she's going. Keep and nurture the friendship, by all means, but understand that at some point her decision may be abrupt and leave you in the lurch. Personally I see no future here, but perhaps others will see differently. Celebrate what you have and enjoy, but look forward to your own needs. And give props when she realizes her own.

[DeafF2M]

This is an awkward situation, to be sure. On one hand, I'd say give her time and let her sort it all out. On the other hand, you've been dating her nearly 5 months without even a goodnight kiss? Sounds awfully Victorian to me.

I'd offer her friendship and let it go... It doesn't make sense to hang on to something that doesn't appear to be working.

[MyGirlIsBi]

thanks bookworm and DeafF2M for ur insight. ive tried to break up with her a couple of time but its just hard. there r so many things im attracted to about her personality but i feel ur probably both right. ive spoken to a couple of my close friends about this and theyve said the same thing. however they are straight guys and i unfortinatly dont have any gay , lesbian, or bisexual friends i can talk to. thats why i decided 2 try this forum for gay, lesbian, and bisexual insight. anyhow it seems to be a universal feeling that i should end the relationship so i think i will. ill hold off for a couple of days so i can hopefully get more opinions for more people and see whats up. again thanks for ur insight, i really appreciate it.

[twosides]

Of course we can't answer your question for you, but it sounds to me like she's holding onto the nice guy who gives her attention, affection, intellectual stimulation, and someone to hold hands with, until she finds something better, male OR female.

My suggestion is to step back from whatever romantic / relationship practices you two are involved in. Yeah, that may be hard for you, if you have invested in much emotional luggage. But, it will be the best for your friendship. And I think she will value you more for being honest with her about your not getting what you expected out of your relationship. If you lose her friendship now, then you are no worse off than if you stayed and then lost her somewhere down the road. And you have a potential to gain a really good friend if you step back and cultivate the friendship, offering her whatever support she needs.

Besides, you're only 22. Don't worry about settling down into anything permanent until at least 25 +.

[WBBi76]

Before you do anything, try to sit down with her, and try talk to her, try to figure out what she really wants with you or from you, but be careful how you approach the issue, do it the wrong way and you lose everything, friendship and all. Yes she is gonna be hurt, she may argue with you, but if she cares for you and about you, she will try to work out this situation with you, then again, you really have to ask yourself, is this how you really want to be with her? The fact that she still hugs you and tries to be around you and all of that is moot unless she is willing to put something into it, right now, it does sound like she is in a comfort holding pattern, willing to be with you enough that she is fine with everything, but not involved enough to have or show any real "feelings" for you. She was in a relationship with a girl, but that doesn't make her lesbian or confused, but the question is, has she ever been in a relationship with a guy, and if so, what happened and if not, then why now, there are a lot of factors as to why she is doing things the way she is and the quicker you find out what is really going on in her head, the quicker you can decide what is best for your relationship, or friendship. But, if you can't make any leway one way or the other with her, I would be inclined to agree with the others, it may be best to end this involvement and just be there for her as a friend, willing to listen to her or be there for her as she needs until she is able to carry on on her own. I do wish you the best of luck, for the both of you. :2cents:

[IceLion]

I completely agree with everyone here on this. It sounds like you are headed for the dreaded "I think we'd be better off as friends". Being the helpless romantic that I am I would love to say that this sounds like she just needs space, however, 5 months of being with someone who really cares about you should be more than adequate time to find your bearings, no matter how poor the previous relationship was. Couple that with the fact that essentially the two of you are long time friends, it seems more to me that she is looking to you for support and friendship with a touch of intimacy thrown in.

With regards to losing her as a friend, from what I've gathered, that seems to be what you really have right now. I'd have a "come to jesus" with her and tell her how you feel, offer your continued support and care, but make it clear that you are going to move forward with your own romantic inclinations.

-IceLion :bipride:

[MyGirlIsBi]

Thanks twosides, WBBi76, and IceLion for ur advice. I feel, much better now about breaking it off knowing that i'm not being some inconsiderate hetero lol. Knowing people of other sexual preferences pretty much have the same opinion really makes me feel at ease. I will definitly try to keep her friendship because I do want it but a relationship beyond that is from now on going to be a no no. Again thanks to all of u for the support and advice, u can't imagine how much I appreciate it. Thanks!

[2curioustwo]

One last thought - how long did it take for her to get her girlfrinds to the stage where she will kiss them or do more? If its MUCH less than the 5 months you have been dating then realistically you two are really "just friends" and you need to tell her that.

Perhaps she's struggling to accept that she's gay, or mostly gay. I'm sure she didn't do all this to hurt you, but at the same time if its never going to be what you want you're better to end it now.

[TxGuy]

hope its not too late to add something to the conversation....btw, its my first post, im new here. so hi everyone.
anyways, my best friend kacey went through this. me and her have been friend for ages, like since kindergarten and living on the same street. to her, i was the safest guy in the world to her after a long relationship with another woman. we were intimate and affectionate all through out relationship (3mo). then one day, she was gone. didn't hear from her for 3 weeks. she called and told me what i pretty much already knew, she had been dropping small hints for about a week. im bi, so i understood, and told her everything was fine and im not mad ect. ect. ect. and thankfully, were still friends today.

what im saying is, if your situation is anything like mine was then this is heading for a train wreck. mine turned out ok in the end, but i could have lost my best friend as well. its a serious dilemma. if i had it to do over again i would not have let it played out, would have confronted it sooner. it might take some time to cool off between you 2, but hopefully you come out of it with a good friend still.

[Apleasureseeker]

Well, before you close the book on this, check out what some of the online "dating gurus" have to say. The general feeling is that many women will befriend an "nice guy" but they save the sex for "alpha males." In my experience, regardless of a person's official orientation, hetero sex is always a possiblility if they see eye to eye.

Do a search for David DeAngelo, Real Social Dynamics, Marius Pinzarella, Mystery Method & try Seduction101.com.

Don't give up hope!! If she's hanging with you this long there's probably a good reason. Be strong, be sensitive, take charge & I wish you the very best of luck!!

[SweetAmy]

I would have never got with her. Shes on the rebound and shes pulling tons of baggage around. I hate bagagge, head games and BS.

[birugratchic]

I think since you're such a nice guy you should've been nice enough to tell her no to begin w/just because of the fact that she just left that relationship and has said to you that she will never be with a woman again tells you right there she's probably just on the defensive because she has been hurt. I think if another woman approaches her and is nice,charming and everything she likes in a woman she'll possibly lean toward that relationship before the one that you two have right now. For her this kind of seems like she's playing a head game with herself instead of playing it by heart/soul, because that woman hurt her heart and when/if another woman comes along and captures her heart that statement she told you will no longer be in her vocabulary.
Me myself i am bi-sexual and with a woman i love the affection and the sensitivity i get from being with a woman, and like men that can somewhat relate to me with being sensitive and affection also among other things, so for her to leave that relationship and run into Mr. Nice guy as quick as she did i think thats what she needed to help her emotionally at that time. and with the kissing only on the cheek only, thing my view is that after knowing someone for so long plus 8 mnths of serious dating she could've at least compromised a little bit with the sexual things, but she hasn't even budged. Maybe that's just the way I feel! Maybe other people feel different. I'm just letting you know because i am bisexual and kind of relate to what she is going through, but on the other hand I wouldn't get into a relationship with such a nice guy like you after just ending that one knowing i wasn't going to put a lot of effort into the new relationship! Good Luck :bipride: