Can I have my cake and eat it too?

[Nad24]

Hello out there,

I am new to this site and to my bi-sexuality. I really need some relationship advice from people who have been in the same situation. 3 months ago I went on my first date with a woman and have been with her ever since. We get along great and things are getting serious.

Because I am bi-sexual and she is a lesbian, we have different views about how a relationship should work. My gf's point of view is that when you are with someone then it should be a monogamous relationship regardless if it's with a man or a woman. I have an opposite point of view in that I should still be able to have sex on occasion with a man. We have talked openly about this, but it is still a deadlock....there is no win-win option.

It's not that I want to have one night stands and be with men every day, but it would be nice once in a while with a guy "friend". I suggested that she be there if it made her more comfortable (just to watch) because it would turn me on and I know she gets turned on by hetero porn.

She said that down the road, when the trust is there and we are in a secure relationship, that she might change her mind. I was upfront with her since day one that I will always like men and want to be with men sexually. Since I am a very sexual person, the urge to be with a man is very strong eventhough my gf and I have very good sex. I would never cheat on her or sleep with a man unless she gave the okay.

My feeling is that if she really wants to be with me that she would do this for the sake of our relationship and because she knows it would make me happy and satisfied. I would never give her an ultimatum and do not pressure her, but ultimately I am afraid this will break us up.

I am really questioning whether or not our relationship can work. Am I being selfish and naive in thinking it is possible to have my cake and eat it too? Am I wrong in feeling the way I do?

Your advice is much appreciated, thanks in advance.

Nad

[Long Duck Dong]

mmm.... i can answer this a number of ways

but I am just too lazy to type for a hour or so


bisexuality is a dual edged sword...... as a bisexual, we are asking others to be ok with the fact that we want to have sex with more than just our partner.
Our partners are saying to us, * is sex so important to you that you want us to say, its ok for you to go outside of the relationship for sex *

as I have told many people, there is a fine line between a need and a desire.....
and what separates the two is pretty simple, air is a need, sex is a desire...

I can't understand the way that bisexuals put up a image that they can't survive unless they have multiple partners.

so I am not gonna really say much apart from this
how important is a relationship and how important is sex ???

if a person places the desire for sex over and above the desire for a good relationship, then get out of the relationship and stop hurting the person you love

nad, you need to make a choice for yourself and your partner......and that choice is simple, what is more important to you, " love, support, trust or sex "

[twodelta]

Hello out there,

I am new to this site and to my bi-sexuality. I really need some relationship advice from people who have been in the same situation. 3 months ago I went on my first date with a woman and have been with her ever since. We get along great and things are getting serious.

Because I am bi-sexual and she is a lesbian, we have different views about how a relationship should work. My gf's point of view is that when you are with someone then it should be a monogamous relationship regardless if it's with a man or a woman. I have an opposite point of view in that I should still be able to have sex on occasion with a man. We have talked openly about this, but it is still a deadlock....there is no win-win option.

It's not that I want to have one night stands and be with men every day, but it would be nice once in a while with a guy "friend". I suggested that she be there if it made her more comfortable (just to watch) because it would turn me on and I know she gets turned on by hetero porn.

She said that down the road, when the trust is there and we are in a secure relationship, that she might change her mind. I was upfront with her since day one that I will always like men and want to be with men sexually. Since I am a very sexual person, the urge to be with a man is very strong eventhough my gf and I have very good sex. I would never cheat on her or sleep with a man unless she gave the okay.

My feeling is that if she really wants to be with me that she would do this for the sake of our relationship and because she knows it would make me happy and satisfied. I would never give her an ultimatum and do not pressure her, but ultimately I am afraid this will break us up.

I am really questioning whether or not our relationship can work. Am I being selfish and naive in thinking it is possible to have my cake and eat it too? Am I wrong in feeling the way I do?

Your advice is much appreciated, thanks in advance.

Nad


First, let me say welcome to the community. Something that You will notice about our "family", is that we can be brutally honest at times. I commend You on being upfront with Your g/f. The question I have for You, are You being upfront with Yourself? What I would suggest is that You find some "alone time" over the next few days and figure out exactly what You want from a relationship. You will answer Your own question when You know what You want. Here's a hint - would You go to a seafood restaurant if You really wanted a hamburger? - Dave

[ghytifrdnr]

"She said that down the road, when the trust is there and we are in a secure relationship, that she might change her mind."

That's a stalling and misleading tactic. Don't ever expect her to change her mind! :disgust:

[innaminka]

The heading of can you have your cake ndeat it too?
Very apt - LDD perhaps summed up your question.



bisexuality is a dual edged sword...... as a bisexual, we are asking others to be ok with the fact that we want to have sex with more than just our partner.


This is often the reality.

Like LDD, I could write for an hour or so, but with a slightly different answer.

- Yes, you can have your cake and eat it. But both you and your partner (of whatever sex) have to be COMFORTABLE with the dynamics.
That takes talk, talk, more talk lots of negotiations; softening of stances, understandings of the other's point of view and lots of patience.

It does work for me - but each couple have to come to a conclusion themselves; there is no handbook.

[AngelOfTheMystic]

A lotof people that are not bisexual don't really understand that we have that need to be with both members of sex. I would just give your girlfriend time to adjust, but in the mean time I would still continue expressing how you feel to her. A relationship is nothing without trust. I hope that everything works out for you in the end. Take care.

AOTM

[darkeyes]

This question is not restricted to our community but to the str8 and gay communites every bit as much. The question is simple.. be monogomous or not. Am I ready for a monogomous relationship? It isnt whether you are bi at all, its whether you wish to give up a part of your life which is important to you to settle with a single person. This dilemma is one which every human being faces when considering settling down with someone. Or even when simply courting.

It seems to me that you are not ready for the commitment, you may never be, and that really you wish for an open relationship. And that is fine. Just a word of caution. Think it through. The time may come when your girl friend will decide things for you and walk away. Something to ponder and think how you will feel should that day come.

No I don't think you are wrong in your feelings, nor do I think she is either. Just different. Its a conundrum you will have to face eventually. You have put pressure on each other which is going to be very difficult to resolve and erradicate, and I'm not sure you will meet with success unless one of you moves completely to the others position. Even then, I believe your house will be built on a bed of clay unless that movement is voluntary and sincere.

[jookboxcharlie]

Because I am bi-sexual and she is a lesbian, we have different views about how a relationship should work. My gf's point of view is that when you are with someone then it should be a monogamous relationship regardless if it's with a man or a woman. I have an opposite point of view in that I should still be able to have sex on occasion with a man. We have talked openly about this, but it is still a deadlock....there is no win-win option.


First of all, welcome! I'm new here myself, and everybody here is just so nice! Now on to your problem...

This has nothing to do with you being bi and your GF being lesbian. This has to do with you being polyamorous (or similar) and your partner being monogamous. There are many many many str8s or gays who are also poly, and would have no problem with you exploring all aspects of your sexuality, with persons of whatever gender. On the other hand, a monogamous person, of whatever orientation, wants to be monogamous.

I don't think your GF has a problem with you being bi, I think the issue is that she wants to be with you alone, and she expects the same out of you.

Hope this helps, but I fear that I have only muddied the waters some more.

[12voltman59]

Irrespective of whether the parties in a relationship are of any sexual persuasion---

What it comes down to between two people is what you negotiate out as a couple---

Just from what you have said---if you two are at loggerheads over the issue of whether either of you having periodic outside relations with others is not in synch--you probably do not have a high degree of probability your relationship will work.

One of you is going to have to compromise and I do say--it will most likely have to be you---your lady's prime factor in a relationship would appear to be fidelty to her---and that is most likely not something she cares to back away from.

[TorontoGuy2007]

i've never agreed that bisexuality is a meaningful excuse to have an additional sex partner out side of a relationship. true love means that you only want to be with that one person. just as you may feel the need to sleep with a man occasionally, how would you feel if your gf wanted to sleep with other girls occasionally? sexual orientation and sexual activity are two different things.

if you really think you need to sleep with a second person, then perhaps your relationship is not as strong and as serious as you think it is.

i know i tend to be in the minority, as most bisexuals, at least on this site, seem to need sex from both concurrently.. and in many cases, you'll see that many on here have open-minded partners that enjoy threesomes, etc..

you're only hope may be to find another partner who is willing to share or be a 3rd wheel.

[sammie19]

Only with her agreement. Without that your relationship is in deep trouble, if it isnt already. You have much to talk about. I am with those who believe it to be a relationship problem not a bisexual one.

Be careful Nad hun or you will lose her. You may have to decide which is what you want most - her or sexual adventures with men. Or maybe its a case of which is less important to you? Only you can decide that and my hopes go with you that she doesnt take it out of your hands and give you the freedom you seek with a consequence you do not want.

[skiflydive]

My :2cents:

Relationship trumps sexuality. i.e. if one is in a committed relationship then one should have sexual relations within the constraints and agreements of the relationship. That doesn't mean you can't be bi - it means you shouldn't have other sexual partners of either sex unless you both agree. The fact that you are bi and desire sex with men is no different than if you were a lesbian in your case and desired sex with another woman.

You can still be monogamous AND bi because bisexuality describes your desires, proclivities, attractions and fantasies - NOT - whether you are having sexual relations with people of both sexes. In other words bisexuality is independent of your sexual activities although your sexual activities could, in the right circumstance put proof to your bisexuality. If you are bisexual and single or in an open relationship you may have sex with either gender. If you are in a monogamous relationship you can still be bisexual regardless if you are having sexual relations with both genders.

[Trinity-Fl]

Welcome to the site.

A solution that comes to mind is to invite a man into your relationship- someone whom you both like and understands your relationship. If gives your partner the option of being intimate with you while you're be intimate with him. As a male bi guy, I find it very erotic to be close to my fem partner while we're experiencing her being with our male partner. I won't describe all the options, but it should be hard for her to be jealous with you between her legs while your male partner is behind you. :)

Wow! That IS a good idea. :)

CC

[mav2day]

Being fairly new to bisexuality myself, I have found myself in the exact same position you are. We are still experimenting with all of our desires and the things that make us happy both sexually and relationship-wise. Unfortunately, we sometimes run into people that have already made their decisions in what they want and they wish to impose that on us.

I'm sure your gf is a wonderful person, but she is not in the same position that you are. I could not at this point in my life, decide to "choose" which sex to partner up with, if ever. If she really loves and cares about you, she will let you work your way through these feelings and experiences you are having and be there for you if she thinks you are worth it.

One caution for you...don't commit to a relationship thinking your partner is going to change his or her mind about something. That will only cause you to resent them later if they don't change. Your gf is ready for a serious commitment and you aren't sure yet what kind of commitment you want.

Enjoy the time you have together, keep open and honest with yourself and each other, and Ultimately, be yourself and enjoy what being bisexual means before you try to commit.

Don't sacrifice who you are just to please your partner, because if you do you will truly be sacrificing who YOU ARE.

[Hary24]

"She said that down the road, when the trust is there and we are in a secure relationship, that she might change her mind."

That's a stalling and misleading tactic. Don't ever expect her to change her mind! :disgust:

I am Nad24's GF. And I am not stalling or trying to mislead her in anyway. She has discussed with me how she feels. And I never having been in this situation, of my partner wanting to play with others :three: , is hard to get my head around. I love her :love: and yes don't want to share her. I wonder why I can't be enough. And if she can sleep with men, then how come I cannot sleep with other women. Not that I really want too, but she doesn't see that as an option for me.
It all comes down to fear. Neither of us wants to lose the other. So do I just turn a blind eye :cool: and let her have her cake? Not being sure how it will effect us, in the after math.
I worry about disease and just how I will feel about it in general. I want to tell her go ahead....and condone her activities with men. But to be totally honest it scares the SHIT out of me. I don't want to lose her.....and fear if I say yes, that we won't handle it well afterword and if I say no that she wll have anger and be resentful of me. :(

Hary24

[Nad24]

Hi, it's me Nad24. I really need to thank everyone for your advice and opinions, it gave me A LOT to think about. I only acted on my bisexuality 7 mths ago, outed myself 3 months ago, and am now in a relationship with the first woman I dated. Overwhelming, to say the least. I am grateful for finally finding people to chat with about these issues (not exactly something I can talk to Mom about!).

The last few days for me have been really challenging and I suffered a bit of a meltdown due to the identify crisis. But after learning more about my new lifestyle, getting advice, considering other view points, and having an open discussion with my girlfriend- I have come to realize that it's only natural to feel confused and that it's okay for me not to have it all figured out yet.

I have never been in this situation before and wouldn't have ever imagined that I would be faced with issues like monogamy vs polyamorous relationships until recently. I hadn't really run into any issues surrounding my bisexuality yet either. I have no idea what I want and only through experience, growth, and self-development will I come to know exactly what will make me happy. How long that will take? Who knows.

My gf says that she's been thinking a lot about it too, and I am glad that she has not closed the door on anything; neither have I. We mutually have to decide the dynamics of our relationship and what is best for each of us. Right now we are happy the way things are and we are going to take it one day at a time. We both know how each other feels and only time will tell if we will continue to make it work.

She understands that I am leaning toward a polyamorous lifestyle and that I still want to be with her. So she has made a decision to stay with me knowing the consequences, and I am well aware that one day we may part ways, as in any relationship (we still have a lot to talk over and some big obstacles in front of us).

It's not that sex for me is more important than the relationship; sex is an important part of a relationship and it's tied to my identity. I am hard-wired for both and it's in my nature to want both. I probably would never be able to say that I would never have sex with a man again just like I would never be able to say that I would never have sex with a woman again.....even if I was in a relationship with a man, I would still desire and want sex with a woman.

I am still trying to wrap my head around one thing- I know that I would not like her to have sex with another woman unless it were with the both of us. I would be happy if it were the same for me bringing a man into our bed (I don't want to date men or have to go out of the home to have sex with men). Some would say that is a double standard and I know it can be seen that way. There is one big difference though. She can have sex with a woman....ME. I can't have sex with a man. I don't think I would be able to sacrifice sex with a man for the rest of my life....that's a BIG sacrifice and not realistic for me that I would follow that path.

At least I am starting to figure things out, and although the odds are against us, we both love and care for each other enough to give it a go.

So thanks, and I will keep you posted.

Peace,
Nad

[mikeiam4]

I am hearing a couple of different tunes from this thread. I have heard many talk about bisexuality being a genetic hand-down. Now, I have not worked out in my own mind whether or not this is true, but if it is, then that implies (to me anyways) that NOTHING will stop the desire for at least some sexual interaction of the same sex. Would a gay person be expected to be in a hetero relationship? To me, being bi cannot be helped, stopped, or paused for a few years. If you are bi, then eventually you will have to have sex with a member of the same sex. The thought that you can simply choose to not in order to save a relationship seems to be ludicrous, especially with the beliefs that I see in this site.

My honest opinion (seems harsh) is that if your partner is not understanding and supportive of your desires/needs/lifestyle, then maybe that partner is not for you. I dont know... I wasnt aware that I was truly bi (all evidence to the contrary... denial can take a while to overcome!) until I got with the woman that I eventually married. So I dont know what its like to have that avenue shut off for good... I know that I wouldnt like it one bit, and would probably in the course of the long-term relationship act out on the desires. I feel that I would have to, in fact. Just my :2cents: