Does anyone relate...or am I alone?

[flexuality]

Hi,

I am new here and feeling a bit like I am the only person in the world in my situation. I am wondering if anyone else deals with some of these things.

I hope I am not breaking the "posting rules" by asking if anyone else has had to deal with childhood sexual abuse on top of the whole sexuality issue. It makes things VERY confusing, although it has really helped with getting an education on sexual issues. It kind of motivates one to figure out what the heck is going on with all the emotional confusion and reactions that make no sense sometimes!

I was so naive just a few years ago, that it almost seems funny now.

I had no idea that the abuse from when I was three years old had any effect on me and I suppose that up until just a few years ago I was never in a position for it to "rear it's ugly head."

I am married to a wonderful man who is bisexual. When we got married, I had no idea what bisexual was. I hadn't even heard of it. (Told you I was naive!) I am not sure if he identified as bisexual at that time either.

Back then, I would get totally freaked (looking back I was reacting and being retraumatized, but didn't know it then) at my husband looking at even "soft" porn, let alone anything more intense. Porn seems to be a kind of "natural" (and private?) way to figure out one's sexual identity, especially when the great "out there" (as I call it) has so judged what it "right" and what is "wrong" when it comes to sex.

It made for an interesting (to say the least!) scenario for us.

Here he was, exploring porn or reading up on bisexuality - and there I was, reacting to the extreme whenever I knew he was doing that. He began to keep his "exploring" hidden from me (looking back, I can't say I blame him) but that just seemed to make it worse for me, cuz I felt lied to and all sorts of other things. Neither one of us had any idea what was going on in reality for the other person. I am not sure we had any idea what was going on for ourselves then, either. It turned into quite a nightmare.

I won't go into all the details, but I have come a LONG way since then! Fortunately, my husband and I can talk about just about anything. For a long time though, this issue was NOT one of the things we could talk about.

My biggest frustration is that I still am trying to deal with the emotions, not only from the original trauma (and subsequent traumas throughout my life), but from the years of feeling retraumatized by the way we were handling the situation.

So here I sit, probably identifying more with bisexual for myself than anything else and yet sometimes overwhelmed by emotional reactions from my past.

It seems really strange to me that my emotions can get "out of control" if my husband looks at women, yet I am perfectly fine with him being bisexual. I have no problem seeing men together sexually, or with him looking at men, or the idea of another man joining us sexually.

To add to the strangeness, I find both men and women attractive and have no problem seeing women together sexually. Except seeing two women and one man. My extreme emotional reaction to this baffles me!

I suppose some of it would have to do with my being abused by women (my mother for one), but you'd think I would react negatively to the idea of sex with a woman, but I don't.

this is getting kind of long....

Guess I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to any of this.

Flex

[Just_Gem]

Hey Flex

You certainly are not alone hun. When I finally had all my issues come up full force I was fortunate to have friends that helped me find help in dealing with it all. I too am a survivor of childhood abuse - physical, emotional and sexual. It played havoc in my life for many years until I finally (in my late 30's) went to see a counselor. I was also fortunate to find a women's center in the town I lived in that gave counseling to abused women for free. You didn't say whether or not you have had any, but if not I would highly recommed that you get some counseling from someone that specializes in the area of abuse. It really helped me put a lot of things together as far as my reactions (very similar to what you describe) to various sexual related scenarios, and also helped me to be more accepting of my own and other's sexuality.

I don't know where in your area to look, but would suggest you look for a women's center or shelter for abused women and start there. I'm sure if they don't provide it they can at least recommend someone in your area to contact.

Lots of love to ya hun. It isn't an easy road to come back from (victim to survivor) but is well worth the effort to find the whole you that is still waiting to come out.

Gem :grouphug:

[Noishe]

Flexuality, I was also abused as a child. Not sexually, but emotionally, and sometimes physically. Both abuses led to sexual abuse in my late teens and early 20s, and all three have left a lasting confusion in one way or another as to how I identify myself, both sexually and non sexually.

I also see no problem in sexual orientation with others or myself, yet the brain gets emotional over situations involving myself. I say to myself, nothing wrong, yet when faced with it upfront and personal, it is exceptionally hard to deal with in myself.

It's interesting that you call yourself nieve only a few years ago. I too would call myself nieve two years ago. Even now, I realize that I still have some learning to do. The past has a funny way of affecting the future in ways that never make sense... until the day when suddenly they do make sense.

Life sometimes presents us with a situation that we can not control. The very fact that we can not control the situation usually escapes us, and we end up blaming ourselves for things which are not our fault. People tend to keep these moments to themselves, which leads to other people believing they are alone when such moments happen to them.

You are NOT alone. More importantly, you are among friends. I know you will find the support you are looking for.

Noishe :bigrin:

[Danielle_T]

If i can weigh in here, i just want to say that i truly feel for all of the victims out there. You are all wonderful and brave to move on with your lives in such a fashion thus proving that those responsible for your pain have NOT won!

Without going into too much detail, i must say i have some experience in dealing with these situations (although not a victim myself) and i see the pain and anguish sexual abuse has caused and the fallout that prevails. Unfortunately, in my experience, a lot of the perpetrators of these crimes YES CRIMES, are men and when i see or read of the damage done, i feel truly ashamed to be one myself.

Are you alone dear, NEVER while there are people here you can talk to and people that can feel your pain and sympathize with your plight.

You are loved.......Dani

[NorthBiEast]

Something that very few people realize is that 1 in 3 American women will report being sexually abused in her lifetime, as will 1 in 7 men. These are just the reports. The reality is probably much worse.

There are support groups and phone hotlines around the world to help people move from being victims to being survivors. If these informal supports aren't enough, they can suplement a more traditional therapy.

How trauma effects someone will vary from person to person. Some people can't sleep, some pleople sleep to escape. Some people shy away from sexual encounters, some engage in risky promiscuity.

What it boils down to is that, no matter your age, gender, or sexuality, no matter how sexual abuse has effected you (even just as someone who loves a survivor, that effects you too) YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

:grouphug:

[but that's my name!!]

Definatly not alone! most of my "family" are (thankfully) serveing long custodial sentances and/or are on the sex offenders register cos most of them are either paedophiles or supporters thereof. Unfortunatly it's like a plague across the planet but there are many many survivers out there and organisations to help. My mum (who is a highly qualified and experienced psychologist AND social worker who specialises in child psychology and child sexual abuse) often says talking about it is a very good sign, she also says things like "mental illness is a normal response to an abnormal situation" (not that it nessicarily applies to you) and "they're not 'nuts' they're service users........" :)
Anywho, I wish you all the best.

[flexuality]

I hoping to find support, but I guess I didn't really expect to. I really appreciate your replies. :)

I should probably clarify a couple of things.

Gem, yes - I have been through about 2+ years of abuse specific councilling. That was about 3 or 4 years ago and it was extremely helpful. We've also had couples councilling which was very beneficial as well. Another thing I did was EMDR. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) That is really kewl! And useful, too! It actually works.

Noishe, you said you were not sexually abused, but mention emotional abuse. Personally, I think that emotional abuse is the worst. That part of my past did the most damage I think.

Dani, it was not only men in my case, it was women as well. Fortunately, most people don't do those kind of things.

NorthBiEast, those numbers are a bit scary aren't they? True though.

but that's my name!!, some of the people in my family should have been thrown in jail. Unfortunately, when I was three that kind of thing wasn't even talked about.

I no longer feel like a victim and sometimes think I am moving beyond "survivor" to fighter. :)

The one thing that was always tricky to bring up in councilling for me, was my sexual views or my husband's views. A lot of really good therapists still have some rather judgemental opinions around sex.

I really like that I can talk openly about that here. :)

Flex

[but that's my name!!]

but that's my name!!, some of the people in my family should have been thrown in jail. Unfortunately, when I was three that kind of thing wasn't even talked about.



Flex

Though they never stoped offending my "family" weren't prosecuted until 20ish years after the specific crimes commited, is that at all helpful? :) Took me a moment to read that properly; the English spelling is gaol (jail) not a commonly used word.

[Just_Gem]

Hey again Flex

Thanx for the reply. :tongue: Glad to hear that you have had counseling. I mentioned it only because you hadn't and know what it did for me.

I agree - the emotional abuse I suffered as a child left much deeper scars than the physical or sexual. Those are scars that I still deal with from time to time even tho they were a part of my several years of counseling therapy.

Good luck in your future and keep in touch. :grouphug:

Gem :bibounce:

[cottoncandy]

i was also abused as a child and think that it does confuze you even more and it is hard to deal with especially when we are taught sex is something done but not talked about(mommy deariest) i've found that being abused does one of two things to you it either makes you hate sex or it becomes the only thing that you think you are worth as a person and you tend to do it all the time(not a bad thing) but it makes being faithfull to one person hard to do :bibounce: