new and very frustrated/confused

[wickedbitch]

well where to start...I finally openly came out to my husband. For as long as I can remember I have loved women. I have had sex with men and even fallen in love with one...well 2 if you count hubby. I haven't been with a women since my husband and I got together 7 years ago and I can't stand it! I think he always "knew" but chose not to say anything. I love him to pieces we have 2 great boys and life is pretty good..yet there is something missing...He said he accepts my sexuality and seems very interested in having a "threesome" yet I don't know. I am a bit leary having him involved...don't know...I have come close to having sex with a few of my girlfriends but then there is dh..he would flip out if i did without him. What do I do? Any advice??

[Sparks]

Take a deep breath and go with "your" feelings. With all due respect to your hubby, quietly ask him to back away on this issue. In my opinion there is no need for a threesome. :2cents:

[m.in.heels&hose]

hello wicked bitch
before i get started, i too am a married bi, buit my wife knew before we were married, and she accepts the fact that i am bi, and she is understanding and accepting about this.
now onward,
i would have to agree with sparks, there is no need for a 3 some
this is about your sexuality as being bi (with due respect to your hubby also)
you first have to find someone you are comfy with, and then im sure this other woman (as the case is) more than likey would not want your hubby there either (maybe once she meets him and feels comfy with him) but thats another story and place
i fell you are right for "going it alone"
my wife does not participate in my affairs, but she does like to hear the details tho!

good luck and i hope everything works out for you
and thank you for my :2cents:
m_in_heels&hose :)

[Lisa (va)]

Well put MIHH ! From a woman's perspective, it is not always possible to find someone for both of you to share. Many woman would back off knowing that your husband is a strings attached deal. Have a long talk with him and explain that it can be both ways, depending on the other woman - maybe she would or maybe she wouldn't, or maybe she would at a later time after being comfortable with you. But consider your feelings as well, you may or may not want to have a threesome. Best thing to do is talk openly and honestly with your partner.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Sex in Words]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I didn't read anything in your original post about whether your husband would be accepting of you having affairs with women on your own, without him. Is this the case? If not, then you are entering into much more involved territory: polyamory. Is that how you want to redefine your marriage?

[Maui-Dave]

I'm glad your husband took things well when you told him. I'm not sure I'm in total agreement with others who think you should find someone without your husband. If you're just looking for a quickie sexual experience because it's been a long time since you've been with a woman, then I can see not including your husband, especially if you're not comfortable with the idea of him being present. But if you're looking for a relationship, that's more complicated.

I got into a relationship with another guy a few years ago who was married but his wife knew that we were interested in each other. I even met her and talked with her early on. It seemed ok at first but after a few months she started to feel rejected because he was spending more time with me. I broke the relationship off soon afterwards 'cause I didn't want their marriage to end over me. He and I made the mistake of putting our relationship ahead of his relationship with his wife. They now mutually date a man so that there's no feelings of rejection. (Women are such jealous creatures! :tong: )

Anyways, just keep the lines of communication open. The ice is broken with your hubby now so just keep talking about everything and find a situation where you're both comfortable. :2cents:

[nakedambrosia]

Going with your feelings without including your husband is, in my opinion, dishonest. A threesome is the only solution by including your husband though my concern relates to health issues such as STDs including HIV, hepatitis and herpes. If a threesome does develop, use common sense, safe sex for 6 montths and insist on a HIV/hepatitis screen from your new partner.

[wickedbitch]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and advice. I'm sorry I forgot to put in the first post that he "will not stand for me being with another woman without him"! That bothers me...alot. I am still trying to figure things out in my head and heart...well loins as well..lol...

[LadyLyri]

I can't tell you what is right for you, but I can tell you about my situation, and what is right for me, and you can take from it what is relevant to you (if anything).

I have always been bi, but monogamous. For a while, I dated only men, then I dated only women. When I said yes to my husband's marriage proposal, I made the free choice to commit myself to a straight, monogamous marriage.

I may experience bisexuality differently than you do. For me, being bisexual doesn't mean that I crave or must have both genders in a generic sense... it means that I am capable of falling in love with and sexually enjoying a person of either gender. I happened to make a lifetime commitment to a man (though it could just as well have been a woman, if the right woman had come along).

Things get stale and it takes work to keep a marriage alive. When the fire in my marriage seems like it's getting low (which it does from time to time), I often find myself fantasizing more about women. At the same time, I recognize that it is really something new and different that I am craving... the excitement and passion of discovering somebody. That somebody, for me, could be a person of either gender. But, I think that is a common and normal feeling in a long-term monogamous relationship. For me to approach my husband and tell him that I need to have a separate relationship with a woman because being bisexual is "part of who I am" would be disingenuous, and I would be using my bisexuality as an excuse to escape from the commitment I made to him. I would not feel good about that, and I wouldn't expect him to feel good about it either.

I deal with the emotional and physical lows by engaging my imagination in fantasy, and by working to stoke the fire in my marriage, and that has been enough for me.

None of this may be relevant to you, but maybe some of it is. Either way, I hope you are able to find a solution that works for everybody involved.

:hugs:
Lyri

[Bluesong]

I can't tell you what is right for you, but I can tell you about my situation, and what is right for me, and you can take from it what is relevant to you (if anything).

I have always been bi, but monogamous. For a while, I dated only men, then I dated only women. When I said yes to my husband's marriage proposal, I made the free choice to commit myself to a straight, monogamous marriage.

I may experience bisexuality differently than you do. For me, being bisexual doesn't mean that I crave or must have both genders in a generic sense... it means that I am capable of falling in love with and sexually enjoying a person of either gender. I happened to make a lifetime commitment to a man (though it could just as well have been a woman, if the right woman had come along).

Things get stale and it takes work to keep a marriage alive. When the fire in my marriage seems like it's getting low (which it does from time to time), I often find myself fantasizing more about women. At the same time, I recognize that it is really something new and different that I am craving... the excitement and passion of discovering somebody. That somebody, for me, could be a person of either gender. But, I think that is a common and normal feeling in a long-term monogamous relationship. For me to approach my husband and tell him that I need to have a separate relationship with a woman because being bisexual is "part of who I am" would be disingenuous, and I would be using my bisexuality as an excuse to escape from the commitment I made to him. I would not feel good about that, and I wouldn't expect him to feel good about it either.

I deal with the emotional and physical lows by engaging my imagination in fantasy, and by working to stoke the fire in my marriage, and that has been enough for me.

None of this may be relevant to you, but maybe some of it is. Either way, I hope you are able to find a solution that works for everybody involved.

:hugs:
Lyri

I feel the same way! I am capable of falling in love with a woman or a man, and I don't want to have a relationship with another person of either gender when I fall for someone. For me if I'm in a commited relationship I wouldn't introduce another person into the relationship. I would have friends with other people of the same or opposite gender, but that's as far as it would go.

[twosides]

Good advice all. I only want to add that you have to talk with your husband in a clear, concise, honest way, and as unemotional as possible. But this takes a lot of thinking up front. You have to know what you think. Not what you feel. When you make a case for what you want or need, let him explain his view of the situation, along with his wants and needs. Hold him to the same rules that you're following in this conversation. If he needs time to think about what he wants to say, give it to him. Come back together and talk again. First one person, then the other, come to a mutual decision. Do this with love and you will work everything out. All the best to you.

PS. If he's willing to do the threesome just to get some action as opposed to doing it for your benefit, then tell him to take a hike. If he's really supportive of you and your sexuality, then I don't see why he wouldn't let you be with another woman, without him, to help you figure out what you're questioning.

[mike9753]

Hi wickedbitch:

It is very hard to sort these things out. Lot's of trade offs are staring you in the face.

1. If you deny your feelings and bi inclinations, then the trade-off is that you may always wonder what it would have been like or you may feel that an essential element of who you are as a person has never had the opportunity to be expressed and at the same time may blame your husband for denying you this experience.

2. If you give in to your bi inclinations (forgive the term, but at this point I am not sure if it is an inclination or a something much stronger) then you risk damaging what you and your husband have built in your lives together ("...2 great boys and life is pretty good...").

3. If you try it our for size, with your husband's knowledge and/or participation it maybe good for you but the fallout from your husband may make you miserable - whether he participates in a 3-some or not. (The comment from your husband tells me he may feel very threatened and as a result insecure about this and maybe afraid of losing you. He may also be very turned on by the mental image. The two are not mutually exclusive).

4. If you do it secretly, then there is this "elephant" of a memory that you will have to struggle with - do you do it again, do you tell him, how do you hide it, etc. In my experience, these things are difficult, if not impossible to hide.

5. When you have a bi experience with a girlfriend, it will change you - maybe it will be a very positive change, or a negative change - but you will NOT be the same afterward. If you and your husband are in tune with each other, he will know something is has changed.

The question is, when the outcome(s) are unpredicatable, what are you willing to risk? Is the payoff worthwhile to you, given the potential risks.

In addition, I have also seen many people go outside their relationship to find something else, only to discover that what they were missing was really hidden within their marriage or relationship. BEFORE you go outside, either with his acceptance or without, be sure that it is not because of a failure in the marriage - a failure that some hard work my turn into a success and long term happiness.

One last observation. In my experience, if it (the payoff) is worth while, then taking time to work it through, even if it takes years, is often better than taking a leap and dealing with the consequences later. Even couples who have successfully dealt with these issues will tell you that it takes time - a lot of time. Remember, trust is a very hard thing to recapture once it is lost. And frequently, it is never the same - it's like a piece of exquisite pottery that gets shattered. It can be glued back together, but it is never quite the same.

Keep on talking to us here on the forum. There are many people who have struggled with these issues - some successfully, others are still in the middle of these struggles and obviously some are dealing with an unsuccessful attempt.

Mike :2cents: :2cents:

[redblue18700]

Your new relationships with a woman could end your marriage... just so you know it's a possibility--slight as it might be.

Just ask yourself.... "Am I ok if he fucks other women?" and "what if he fucks many other women?" openness goes both ways.

The whole 3some thing sounds misappropriated in your situation.

If you have more than one lover, have time to love them all....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Honeygirl, if you share this with your husband, it Might turn into a very beautiful thing for Both of you. Whatever you do, dont Ever make him feel left out. It can be dieasterous to your marriage. If you are both in a 3 some it could be fun and verrry exciting. Include him and maybe both of them will turn on you and cause great pleasure for all involved. ;)
Just be safe, and have fun, no matter what you decided to do, but keep the lines of communication Wide open..always..:}
Cat

[**Peg**]

.. I'm sorry I forgot to put in the first post that he "will not stand for me being with another woman without him"! That bothers me...alot. I am still trying to figure things out in my head and heart...well loins as well..lol...

hmm... I guess the answer lies within the purview of just how much you will stand for his controlling you. I'm with you bitch, that bothers me a lot too. I burned my bra all those years ago so that we women wouldn't have to fight for their autonomy... seems not much has changed in the last 4.5 decades.

Best of luck to you with this tough decision (which btw is, IMO yours alone).

**Peg** (who just noticed the OP hasn't been back here since 2005 - wonder what her decision was).

[dans94]

Do you think it would be possible to include your husband as a spectator only? You would all have to be comfortable with the situation but many men would get a thrill out of watching two women and he might even learn a thing or two. I would love to watch my wife being passionate with another woman. It would please me no end to see her pleasure.

[bigredpigdriver]

my wife and I have been swingers and bi for years. When we first started we did everything together within eye sight of each other, because it was such a turn on. Now 10 years later she has a g/f that we share, but now and then she has her solo fun with her. Now we play for fun and we are not looking for an outside relationship, so we enjoy sharing our partners be it male or female. But I will say we have seen it so many times when one of a couple "steps" out with out the other, it never ends good, that why we dont play with married folks unless we talk to the other. Good luck I just think your playing with fire if you go solo.