Norman Bates moment - telling Mom.

[TorontoGuy2007]

well, if anyone has seen the movie Psycho, you know all about Split Personality Disorders. Well, this was me. i was bottling up so many problems inside of me that i couldn't let go of, that i needed a split personality in my mind to take over my body and express them for me. i was battling my moral conscience every minute of every day for the past 25 years. i made excuses for who i was or who i wasn't or what i did, when all i really needed to do was let go of my emotions. and see myself for who i really was.

i battled myself in my mind last night til 6 am and then i finally solved the riddle.. this riddle would apply to every problem i have.

i could only express myself as a man when i was pretending to be the 14 yr old girlfriend i never got to have as a teen.. i created this character. she was the sweetest little innocent thing. she was a VIRGIN and she was very vulnurable.. but deep down she was the biggest lesbian slut in the world!

the man side of me was in denial that i might be gay. i had a gay PHOBIA ever since i had a "defining moment" in 2001. i was at a sporting event with a friend and i realized this didn't feel like guys night out. this felt like a DATE. this guy was HOT. i wanted to SUCK HIS PENIS! i was totally in denial, so i convinced myself that the only reason i liked him was because i was really a girl.

well, the girl side of me knew that i was a BISEXUAL since i was born, so she knew that Jeff needed to come here and learn about who he really was!

his body was trembling with fear in PHOBIA mode when he typed google and searched for bisexual. but the girl opened up and Jeff got really comfortable here. he was finally able to see himself for who he really was and formally admitted that he was BISEXUAL.

but there was more, the girl side needed jeff to learn about transsexuals.. Jeff had been battling a PENIS PHOBIA ever since he had a defining moment in 1999. he blamed the defining moment on the girl side of him and said MY PENIS DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE I AM A GIRL. GIRLS DON'T HAVE PENISES. GIVE ME A CLITORIS.

but both sides of me knew the truth.. i would NEVER LOSE MY PENIS NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!

then the girl side forced me to take picures of my feel with my panties pulled down and post them here on the site. the boy side of me was so reluctant.
but i faced my fears and i am proud to display my "little tease"

then it all came out.. Jeff was not a transsexual.. he was a TRANSVESTITE.

he does not dress up due to a gender disorder.. he does it because it turns him on! he may be a VIRGIN, but he is a MASTURBATING WHORE!!!!!!! ..there, i said it! and he has the most wild and crazy MASTURBATING fantacies because he can! and he's not hurting anyone!

YES i actually created this girl because she was the 14 yr old VIRGIN i never got to FUCK when i was 14! well, i finally let go of her.. i know i will never have sex with a 14 yr old as long as i live because that is just so wrong.. so i finally let go of that issue and move on.

just a little reminder to myself..

I AM ATTRACTED TO MEN
I AM ATTRACTED TO WOMEN

I AM VERY VERY ATTRACTED TO M2F TRANSSEXUALS, BOTH IN TERMS OF SEX, AND IN TERMS OF LOVE. THESE PEOPLE ARE THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved them so much i nearly convinced myself i was one of them!

SO then i had my NORMAN BATES moment.. my mother and i had not been on the best of terms for so long. i needed to let go of something in order to allow myself to express my true love for her as a son.

i had an "I LOVE YOU" PHOBIA every since a negative defining moment.. i wasn't able to use those words for 5 years, until i said Mom I love you.. i haven't said that for 5 years and you NEEDED to be the first person i said i to.. i held her in my arms and cried for 3 minutes.

then i said, mom, i have been suffering from SPLIT PERSONALITY DISORDER for the past 25 years!

i had trouble expressing my masculine side properly so i bottled everything up. This also caused me to express my femine side in many strange ways..

i told her i shaved my legs and painted my toes red because i was in denial of my true sexuality.. i took my sock off and showed her..

i told her that i needed to share my two biggest secrets with her in order for me to let go of two things i have never forgiven myself for..

i showed her a picture of a transsexual pre and post photo and told her i had gone thru this exact process in my mind and visualized everything they go thru.. not only am i attracted to men and women, but i love transsexuals too.

i also told her about many other memories i had been storing and refusing to let go of. many were family related problems.. one by one, i solved the riddle and put the pieces of the puzzle of my life back together..

I am no longer a confused, depressed, insecure person. i KNOW who i really am now and i KNOW i like MEN, I am PROUD to say i like MEN.

well, i needed to let go of something. i knew i should have been here on this site a long time ago. ever since i fantasized about wanting to suck that's guys PENIS, i knew i should have been here.. i punished myself every day for not being here.. well, i am here now and i am here to stay.

I LOVE PENISES, I LOVE VAGINAS, and i especially love "WOMEN WHO HAVE PENISES" this is my true fantacy!!!!

i will ALWAYS need to express my wild and crazy side in a feminine manner, therefore, i will ALWAYS be a TRANSVESTITE for life.. i don't need the body of a teenage girl to accept myself.. i have finally accepted myself and accepted my body.. and i can finally MASTURBATE in PEACE..

in fact, i'm gonna go do it right now!

so how's that for a coming out story???

[but that's my name!!]

Well done, it must have taken a lot of courage to come out like that.

Sorry, Im haveing trouble digesting it :) :flag3: my problem. :)

[TorontoGuy2007]

i am struggling here people. i post something convincing myself i am solving my problems. but my behaviour is eratic.

i am calling the hosiptal for help right now..

[but that's my name!!]

i am struggling here people. i post something convincing myself i am solving my problems. but my behaviour is eratic.

i am calling the hosiptal for help right now..
Hey, dont turn back now. You seem fine to me, I fail to see your problem. :flag3:

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya jeff.... sit down beside me and give me a hug......

first and foremost..you are jeff...... thats important..... you are not a nameless faceless person

hugs ya again........

25 years of learning about yourself, and learning to look in the mirror.... is not easy...... and its harder when we wanna tell the world and we know the world is not as understanding as we need it to be...... coming out is hard enuf without getting condemned for our honesty

the hardest step to learning about ourselves, is the first one

hugs ya

if you wanna dress as a female cos it helps you to become aware of your female side.... thats cool

if you wanna be happily bisexual...thats cool....

if you wanna be a transvestite.... thats cool

if you wanna be in bisexual.com for life..... thats cool

if you wanna give everybody a hug and find that you are loved dearly by us.... thats the best.....

hugs ya again...... you are a incredible person on a incredible journey..... and i would love to see you share more about your journey.......

if you wanna be a female in order to sleep with females and a male in order to sleep with males...thats fine... you are still jeff.....


so I want ya to lift ya head, and smile and say, I AM JEFF...I am bisexual....and i can dress in females and I love transgenders..... but most important.... I am ACCEPTED FOR WHO I AM...which is jeff.....

now where is my hug ??????????

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hey Jeff ((((((hugs)))))))


I'm so proud of you. Now take it easy on yourself, and be gentle with yourself. You have always been so kind and understanding in your postings. You really reach out to people. You're a great person and it shines through. Be gentle and take on one revelation or issue at a time. That way it won't seem like the whole world is crashing down or on overload. Keep a journal, so when you are thinking, you can write down thoughts that you can reflect or return to at a later time. (((((((Hugs))))))) hun.

[Herbwoman39]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JEFF)))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))

You've put yourself through a great deal in helping your mother to understand you better. That's bound to bring up all sorts of mental and physical reactions. All that adrenaline rushing through your bloodstream is bound to make you feel upset, nauseous, or have any number of reactions.

The main thing to remember is that you are YOU, no matter what labels are put on the package and thats OKAY! Heck, it's MORE than okay, it's courageous and a wonderful example to those who are too afraid to even consider facing that part of themselves. You're an amazing human being Jeff and I admire your courage.

Just remember, you are you and that's okay.

[someotherguy]

There is sex, and then there is how some people think about sex. Sex has always been a natural force like gravity between people, or more to the point, between people's bodies. There is no right or wrong to attraction, because morality is concerned with doing harm. It only matters whether how you act harms anyone. You can feel however you happen to feel, want whatever you may want, but the rules apply only to whether or not you act on your desires, and what kind of action. Now that we have established the moral framework, let's look at the problem of appearing sexually perverse or abnormal to others.

Because it would seem brutal in some situations for people to use cattle prods on their children, parents use a more subtle method for guiding behaviors of children. They approve or disapprove. Approval rewards children, disapproval punishes children. This works when the child's own imagination tends to consider all of the best or worst possibilities in either direction, so that the parent's approval or disapproval symbolizes whatever is most meaningful to the child. For example, approval shown as a smile could symbolize acceptance and love, security, nutrition, shelter, and, later in life, use of the car. Disapproval shown as a scowl could symbolize rejection, pain, hatred, withdrawal of privileges, starvation, and having to take the bus. This works because people inform their fantasies about the future with either the lightness or darkness of a mood. In this way, anticipation of a parent's possible disapproval can shake a child to the core, and matter greatly, although it is entirely irrational and largely imaginary.

Compounding this problem of over-reliance on parental approval is the under-development of the child's personality, which is retarded by lack of guidance socially when the child tends towards direction not generally approved. Life in the closet lacks suitable growth opportunities to become fully independent and self-accepting. Indeed, closet life by virtue of its secret and shame belongs in the disapproval column of the self-image ledger, and the longer one lives in the closet the greater the divide between self and others. Ironically, it is this increasing distance which increases the desperation of the child to be accepted, so that a crisis results. To the parent watching from outside the closet, the door seems ready to bust open and fly off its hinges, but without knowing exactly why, suspicions must stand in for knowledge. To the child floundering in the closet the door become an insufferable barrier to batter down from the inside.

In the ultimate climax of self-revelation the anguished child tops off their history of increasingly odd and stifled behaviors with an overly dramatic episode of exposition, confessing, sometimes sobbingly, often defiantly, to the parent whose suspicions were long ago confirmed during a telephone call with a sibling or close neighbor, college counselor, or jilted girlfriend.

Afterwards as dinner sits cold and uneaten around the table, life returns to normal in a way that reveals clearly the relative difference between the natural disaster of a raging tempest and the mundane dimensions of a typical tea cup.

[TorontoGuy2007]

hey folks, thanks for all the kind words..

you are all seeing a very strange side of me that doesn't truly reflect who i am. i have been acting eratic, going thru violent mood swings, i haven't slept or eaten for 3 days. seems the entire world, and my entire life has been crashing down on me, i basically had a nervous breakdown along with panick attacks.

getting taken into an ambulance at 4.30 am was such a surreal experience. never had that happen to me before. i kept thinking they were going to commit me to a norman bates assylym

but it's not that serious at all. hospital put me on drowsey meds for 3 days. i need to sleep, eat, and stop thinking or worrying about anything.

they wil get me psychotherapy and they can slowly coach my true self out of me. and help me come to accept who i am, what all i have done in life, and how to cope with past, present and future issues.

sorry i haven't had a chance to post on other threads, i'm not the selfish me me me type, but i clearly haven't been in my right mind all week.. and once i do get back to my old self, i can only imagine the laugh i will have at some of the stuff i have written.. i never share private stuff with anyone, yet i have opend up myself here big time.. and hopefully this will be the first step to getting me to better express my feelings.

anyway, i am off to bet. the sleeping meds are kicking in

take care
Love Jeff

[Long Duck Dong]

just keep the hugs going, jeff..


under all the mixed up feelings, thoughts and emotions is one hell of a awesome person.....thats something that you need to remember....

I am not surprised that you * burnt out* i see it a lot.... but looking beyond that, i can definately see the new / improved YOU

and i definately look forward to hearing more of your journey....thank you so much for sharing this time with us all

((((((((((((((((((((hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Herbwoman39]

I'm just glad you feel comfortable enough and safe enough to share this part of your journey with us Jeff. ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Take care of yourself sweetie. It's all going to be okay.

[LoveLion]

Way to go buddy. Quite an accomplishment. Hang in there everything will work out if you give it a bit more time. I had a bit of a freak out too after I came out (nothing like yours I should ad though). The hardest part is over and your new life can begin!

[TorontoGuy2007]

thanks, you guys are all so sweet for the kinds words.. i feel like a zombie today but that's probably a good sign. i haven't thought of any proble or any worries today.

i always seem hard on myself, and in this case, guess i was on here looking for approval that something was wrong, but it seems most agree i am just sorting out some thoughts.. who knows? maybe i am more in denial about certain things than i really thought i was.. but i think i just need a place to vent and a place where i can be myself, and this place cerainly has been awesome.

and LDD you are right, i don't need to make any excuses for myself. if i wannt wear pink bra and panties to cope with my issues, then that's ok, and i realize that now..

anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend. mine will mostly be spent in bed and/or watching some television.

take care all
Jeff

[Matelot21]

thanks, you guys are all so sweet for the kinds words.. i feel like a zombie today but that's probably a good sign. i haven't thought of any proble or any worries today.

i always seem hard on myself, and in this case, guess i was on here looking for approval that something was wrong, but it seems most agree i am just sorting out some thoughts.. who knows? maybe i am more in denial about certain things than i really thought i was.. but i think i just need a place to vent and a place where i can be myself, and this place cerainly has been awesome.

and LDD you are right, i don't need to make any excuses for myself. if i wannt wear pink bra and panties to cope with my issues, then that's ok, and i realize that now..

anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend. mine will mostly be spent in bed and/or watching some television.

take care all
Jeff



Thanks again Jeff, you are a brave and wonderful person. Regards Matelot21

[onewhocares]

H U G S to you Jeff. You are an amazing person. I know your desire to help others, but baby, you need to take care of YOU first. We love you, and we are and will always be here for you. Know that. Accept that.

We all go through really stressful time of questioning who we are. Our journey to find that out is called LIFE. It in never easy and most often does not workout the way we anticipated. You have been so so good to me that I am here for you. Now and always.

Belle

[bigregory]

Hey Jeff you can vent here all you like.
We do not judge but instead what i found was that there are answers here,
real people with real answers to any question you might have regarding your sexuality or anything else for that matter.
Stay cool Jeff
:)

[TorontoGuy2007]

wow, i actually had a normal day today.. no freaking out or anything like that.. ate 3 normal meals, watched some tv, did some laundry.. wow, doesn't seem like much, but it was my first normal day in a week! guess you can all start taking my e-mails seriously now! hehe..