bisexual poly marriages?

[TorontoGuy2007]

some interesting topics came up on another list i belong to..

now that the world is finally starting to be accepting of same-sex marriage, the next step may be to consider allowing Poly Bisexuals to be legally married to both a man and a woman at the same time..

so i'd be curious to hear what people think of the concept..

i consider myself a Mono and would not ever want to be with more than one person at a time, but i know there are others on this site who are married but have an additional flame on the side..

are there anybody out there that literally consider themselves in love with one of each sex at the same time, and if so, have you ever wanted to be married to both people at the same time?

[Ashoka & Kaurwaki]

I've had this conversation with quite a few friends (as well as discussed it with Kaur, not in the "We need another person in the marriage" sort of way, but in the "what would it be like, or do you agree with" way) and the answers are varried. And while I can't speak for anyone else, here are my thoughts:

Long before the subject is even broached, there needs to be some education done: Most people in Canada and the US believe Polygomy is what the fringe Mormon groups do (one older man, with up to 15 wives, all in forced marriages) as opposed the more "traditional" concept of a second partner. Right now, the media (especially the very conservative media - certian things on CNN, the TO Sun and the like) plasters anything like Mormon Polygomy and labels it at the only kind and as wholy evil. For the subject to ever be considered, that concept needs to change.

The other thing, I personally think, that needs to change is how people deal with marriage. I've been to more than a few weddings where people are taking bets as to how long it will last. Canada had a 37.9% divorce rate in 2002 (stats Canada - sorry, latest stat I could find, though I didn't look too hard) and the US is a lot worse. My personal feeling is that "western" society needs to make one marriage work before thinking of adding a 3rd person into it. This is not to say that people cannot make poly relationships work, as I've seen plenty of evidence to the contrary - just that, as a whole, Western society needs to... grow up a bit more before we open the gates for the average citizen.

The third problem will be with the conservative provinces. I'm sure that as soon as the subject was broached Alberta, Sask and probably Quebec would threaten to seperate (hell, Alberta did on the same sex issue). While things in TO and Vancouver (as well as Montreal) are quite a bit more liberal and accepting - there's a lot of very conservative people out there. It's going to take time for them to get used to the idea of same sex marriage (see the fact that is was still an issue to be put to vote this past december!) - and that Poly marriage will scare the hell out of him.

Those are, to me, the reasons why it won't be an issue for quite a few years to come. Gay rights has had an up-hill struggle in North Am for 35+ years (Going from being considered a mental illness to actually having their unions legally recognized) - Polygomists have an even worse struggle because of the concepts put forth and the people who spoil it.

But, there have been cultures in the past that have made it work and I do think that it can work for the right people. Even Canadian law has made acceptions for people seeking assylm in the country and come with multiple partners. But it will be slow. For me, personally: I'd like to see having a poly reltionship not be grounds for a CAS investigation.

[Star Gazer]

I would want to have a poly marriage, 3 men, 3 women, or more. A large home. With a group of adults, no children we could have a nice home. It would take a special group of people. Everyone would need to be sexual atracted to each other.


Would not be easy to resolve all the personalites but could be a wonderful life.

[spartca]

I would want to have a poly marriage, 3 men, 3 women, or more. A large home. With a group of adults, no children we could have a nice home. It would take a special group of people. Everyone would need to be sexual atracted to each other.


Would not be easy to resolve all the personalites but could be a wonderful life.

I share your enthusiasm for a poly family Star Gazer! In my experience and in the case studies I've examined though (Kerista, etc.), it's almost impossible to get that many people together who are sexually attracted to all of the other members. Plus people's attractions change over time.

Generally what works is that people commit to the family as a whole, and the relationships ebb, flow, and change within it. There is a network of adult relationships, but everyone is committed to the continuance of the family as a whole. Children are thus guaranteed more stability in this type of situation.

I've also thought it would be good to only have one "primary caregiver" or "primary parent" established for each child at birth. That way regardless of how adult relationships come and go, the child will always have one adult with whom they move through life. Other adults might commit to a legal trust for maintenance of the child's expenses and childraising labor. Just one idea for organizing children in larger poly families like the one you envision...

[Long Duck Dong]

i am curious..... why does a piece of paper hold so much importance.....

i know its a legal piece of paper..... but i can't see why people just ignore the piece of paper and do the poly thing any way.....

the more urgent areas of worry, in my eyes... are the legal issues such as legal next of kin for medical emergencies etc....

I personally don't agree with marriage in the legal sense.... having to ask for permission from some bureaucrat for the right to be joined in love with a partner, and paying for that right...for a piece of paper.... is crap in my eyes.... its a legal piece of paper... it can't tell a person how much we truely love our partner

however, I love the idea of the wedding.... the bride and groom, the public declaration of love.. the idea of standing in front of so many declaring your love for another...i love that....

[TorontoGuy2007]

I completely agree with all three of your points here.. i think the issue is that people want to fight for, and exercise "rights" whether they really need to exercise them or not..

[QUOTE=Long Duck Dong]i am curious..... why does a piece of paper hold so much importance.....I personally don't agree with marriage in the legal sense....however, I love the idea of the wedding....

[twodelta]

Even though I am not now, there have been times when I have been in love with different people at the same time. In fact, I find it hard to comprehend how so many people think this to be impossible. I believe, that as far as relationships go, we should each be free to follow our own path.

By the way LDD, it's ashame that we live half way around the world from each other. I think You'd be great with me and Cat :three: - Dave

[Long Duck Dong]

lol twodelta...blushes...

i tend to have a heart and mind that exists about 3000 years ago in the olde celtic lifestyle...

there was not marriage but communal bondings...... the day started at dusk, not half way thru the night.....and there was no such thing as husband and wife.... all equal and not defined by sexuality or skills lol.....hell some of the best warriors were females and some of the best care givers were male lol ... and a bonding was any number of people.....

[BarefootGrl]

Personally, I very much enjoy a monogomous marriage. My husband and I have our fantasies, we share them, and if the right opportunity presented itself, we would act on them. However, we are very, VERY happy being married to each other and only each other.

Interesting concept however...

[Trinity-Fl]

We lived for four years as a poly triad (MFM.) We bought a home together and slept together almost every night.

They had been married for 24 years when I moved in. We met on the 'net. I never had a room of my own. The fact that we lived together was evident to everyone who knew us. We were "out" to all our family memebers. Many of our coworkers knew. A real delima happended when my employer had a Christmas party and told us to bring one guest or spouse. I ended up going alone.

We went to the Bahamas shortly after we became a triad and stood on the beach and exchanged matching rings. Over the years we changed the style several times but always had matching rings. A funny story in the islands was that the hotel tried to put us in 2 queen size beds. It took an act of congress to get us in a king size bed.

The sex was great but we found that the life together was more important. We loved sharing an evening together, traveling, going to a movie and shopping together. The family included me in holiday affairs and exchanged gifts with me.

We are charter members of Central Florida Poly and members of Poly Tampa. We were members of Paradise Lakes Nudist Resort but they got a little too conservative for us. So we built our own nudist friendly pool and gardens on 3 acres of rolling citrus grove just north of Tampa. The poly groups became our family in many respects. We hosted several large poly get togethers there and had some great times. And even tho we're now a couple (with a significant other but not a live in) we're scheduled to attend the 3rd annual Central Fla Poly Retreat this March. In fact, I think we're going to be one of the presenters this year.

We think "poly" could help many couples maintain relationships and avoid divorces and breakups of good marriages.

Thank you all for the input on this topic. Central Fla Poly meets the first Sunday of the month at the Orlando Public Library in downtown Orlando.

Charlie and Sue
Trinity

[Trinity-Fl]

"My personal feeling is that "western" society needs to make one marriage work before thinking of adding a 3rd person into it. This is not to say that people cannot make poly relationships work, as I've seen plenty of evidence to the contrary - just that, as a whole, Western society needs to... grow up a bit more before we open the gates for the average citizen."


I think the current structure of western marriages makes them unworkable. We have no way to acknowledge that some men and women will find others to love and in the current system we must abandon the first partner before we can take another. I once read of an ancient society where the wife was expected to have a young husband but the older husbands stayed on and did less stressful chores etc.

Thanks

CC

[twodelta]

Personally, I very much enjoy a monogomous marriage. My husband and I have our fantasies, we share them, and if the right opportunity presented itself, we would act on them. However, we are very, VERY happy being married to each other and only each other.

Interesting concept however...

Hey barefootGrl - Let's say that the right opportunity did present itself, and You and hubby had a great time. Lets say that the three of You decided to meet again. Now let's presume that the three of You became friends and started seeing each other, not just for sex, but to go to the movies, go see a ball game, go on a picnic, ect... A year, maybe two have past and suddenly it becomes clear to each of you that your friendship has become much more than just friendship. What do You do? - Dave :three:

[pasco_lol_cpl]

Hey barefootGrl - Let's say that the right opportunity did present itself, and You and hubby had a great time. Lets say that the three of You decided to meet again. Now let's presume that the three of You became friends and started seeing each other, not just for sex, but to go to the movies, go see a ball game, go on a picnic, ect... A year, maybe two have past and suddenly it becomes clear to each of you that your friendship has become much more than just friendship. What do You do? - Dave :three:
I cant speak for barefootGrl, but in our case we eventually said "damn, how did this happen? Well who cares, its great" We didnt even realize that the time what our relationship had changed into. It was great and we miss those days

[TorontoGuy2007]

hi trinity.. wow, thanks for sharing your story.. that is so awesome... sounds like the three of you get along very well and are living proof that this concept can work! congrats!

[Lisa (va)]

I guess I take the opposing stance on the issue, though I may be totally wrong in my opinion and wish all the best to those that can make it happen for them. But, although I can comprehend a couple (married or not) having a marriage/union that incorporates others into their lives be it sexual only or sexual as well as friends: I cannot grasp hold onto the equality of the love.
I love many folks, but my love for each of them is as individual as they are. The love is there and it is true, but I don't see me loving anyone the way I love my husband or he me, thus I still see a third person as just that - a third person. I don't think this would be fair to any or all.
Then again as I said this is just my personal views and wish not to anger anyone, and for those that can make it work my aplause to you.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

PS: as a side note I had a discussion of the 'perfect marriage' long ago which basically included 2 bi men and 2 bi women. In theory I still agrree it would work in Eutopia but not in our present society.

[someotherguy]

How would a marriage end? Trivorce? How about custody of children? Just wondering.

[TorontoGuy2007]

hi lisa.. i tend to agree with your view point.. for me, true love must mean 100% love to one person..

although i must admit, i find myself fantasizing about threesomes and foursomes more than ever before since coming onto this site.. guess reading everyone else's stories are making me wild, horny and curious! but yah, sex in small groups is one thing, but love and marriage is another, at least in my opinion..

[spartca]

as a side note I had a discussion of the 'perfect marriage' long ago which basically included 2 bi men and 2 bi women. In theory I still agrree it would work in Eutopia but not in our present society.

Why not Lisa? Curious...

[twodelta]

......though I may be totally wrong in my opinion

Hey Lisa - I would never say that Your opinion or anyone elses opinion is wrong. You have Your reasons for forming Your opinions. There are often several factors involved. I did not mean to infer that either You or barefootgrl were wrong. I just don't always understand "absolute thinking". That is someone saying "I could never do that". As far as reltionships go, I believe that everyone should be able live their life as they please. If You're happy living Your life with just one person for the rest of Your life, that's great. But by the same token, if someone has the capacity to love more than one at a time, they should be allowed to do so, and openly express that love if they so desire. Please pardon my :soapbox: - Dave :grouphug: