How to do monogamous marriage while embracing your bisexual identity?

[Snafu]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

[LouiseBrookslover]

When I figure this out, I'll go back in a time machine and fix what happened in my former marriage. If that isn't the question of my life. I'm a guy, but I could've written just about everything you said in your post. I'm interested to hear responses to this, too.

[Chickpea]

What you have written has some resonances with my experience too. I am a Bi man and my married relationship had already finished years before I started to meet and fall in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a beautiful Bi woman. Apart from finding her totally attractive I have found her to be so open, generous, exciting, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, caring...the list is endless.

You see we have to hide nothing from each other, quite the opposite - we can just BE who we are. It's a huge thing to simply BE. Never knew that before. And never want to lose that.

It's such a freedom and a joy when you don't deny/withhold anything about yourself, or from your lover. In fact you can explore it together and grow!

Because we can express ourselves freely in every area of our lives together I believe I have grown in understanding and compassion too.

We are monogamous. Totally in love. We often fancy the same people, naturally. It's fun. We are not up for poly relationships.

I recommend meeting people who will understand you. If you meet someone very special and fall in love ... well .... you deserve it.

[DiamondDog]

I'm not currently married but I know if I were to ever get heavily involved with a woman or marry a woman it would have to be an open/non exclusive relationship as the idea of only having sex with one person/one gender for the rest of my life isn't something that appeals to me. I don't know if I wouldn't cheat or not but I certainly wouldn't be happy. I know if I were in a relationship with a guy I'd be a lot less inclined to cheat on him and it sounds weird but if I were in a relationship with a guy I'd want it to be predominantly exclusive.

[spartca]

Yeah personally I don't try to reconcile being queer with traditional heterosexual monogamy. Being queer and being poly go hand in hand in my world, *especially* because I'm bisexual.

Sounds like you would be much better off with someone who honors your bisexuality - perhaps someone who is also bisexual, multiethnic, genderqueer, transgendered, or somehow else really understands what it means to have a foot in two or more worlds...

I'm not trying to disparage those who are bisexual and monogamous. I've met them, they're nice ;) For the rest of us, why conform to the straight paradigm by getting married to straight people who try to treat us as though we were straight like them? We queerfolk should stick together.


How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

[glantern954]

I attend the bisexual meetings at our local GLCC, have done some minor activism and we go to pride events when we can. We also sometimes go out to gay clubs, or just hang out, with friends from the bi group.

I would say this has mostly satisfied me. I can't say we are monogamous by the strictest definition. Bringing someone else into our relationship is always something that is out there if the right person came along and there have been a few playmates along the way. But neither of these is something I feel like I am looking for or need to make my life any happier.

[bothbi2006]

Hello to all from down under,
Well im the female side of a married couple and we are both bi.We share our bisexual expierences together and live in a loving tight relationship.We have nothing but respect for each other and the fact that we only have bisexual fun together only makes us stronger.We are both so lucky to have found each other and we allow each other to really be us. Its quite fun when im on the net and see a hot chic and say to him wow look at her or the same if he sees a guy with a handsome penis he will say mmmm. I do feel sorry for you if your partner is too insecure to allow you to be true to you but you will find someone that will embrace your true feelings with out feeling guilty.I wish you all the very best of luck in your quest and are happy to be of any help or advice if you need it. Keep smiling (o)(o)

[jntqtees]

I don't know if this helps, but here goes. The answer is honesty. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. The honesty happens before the act. Not after. We have been married for seventeen years. My wife told me about her bisexual experiences and tendencies before we got married. Being young and horny, I'm picturing a threesome with two hot honeys. Well, that's not how it worked out. I forgot the emotion and feeling factor. When you get married and devote your lives to one another there should be a feeling of togetherness. When one breaks those bonds by being intimate with another, there are feelings of betrayal and resentment. My wife and I have gone through trials and tribulations over the years. However, the one thing we have maintained is honesty. My wife actually made me realize that I was also bisexual. We enjoy our bisexuality. Sometimes seperate, sometimes together. We always talk about it. Usually that leads to even better sex with one another. We are monogamous in the fact that we are only hetro with one another. We are not into just getting laid. However, we both realize the beauty and pleasure of being with someone of the same sex. Hope this helped.

[ghytifrdnr]

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me. :(

[DiamondDog]

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me. :(
true.

I mean if you go by the definition of monogamy which is one partner and one partner ONLY for the rest of your life, well I don't know anyone who matches up with that definition/standard, not even my parents or grandparents.

[TorontoGuy2007]

i'm definitely not an expert on any of this, but whether we are bi or not, we should still consider the definition of love.. someone shared this quote with me about love, and i think it makes sense...

"Love is not wanting to live with someone, it's not being able to live without them. When you love someone you see NOBODY else in the world but them."

whether we are gay, straight, or bi, we all seem capable of falling in love, and many on here seem to value getting married.. i don't think bisexuality is a good excuse for a failing marriage.

if straight people can stay committed to one person (instead of cheating with other opposite-sex partners) then bi sexuals should also be able to stay commited to one person (instead of cheating with either same or opposite sex partners)

so many people in this world tend to get into marriage before they even realize that maybe they aren't ready for marriage.. maybe they need to do more exploring and date and/or sleep with more people before they can make that big committment.. again, this goes for gays, straight, or bi people.. some people just aren't meant to be in monogamous relationships.. in fact, i think far too many people give into society pressures and get married, even though they'd rather be free to see multiple people concurently..

try ignoring your bisexuality for a minute and just think about the marriage.. think about the rest of your life with your spouse.. and think about whether or not you would die with regrets if you stay with your spouse..

if these regrets are there, then you probably shouldn't be married.. in that case, i'd say end the marriage and explore your feelings...

for a marriage to truly work, you need love, and you need that "nobody else" feeling.. if you don't have that, and don't think that marriage councilling can recover that, then perhaps it's time to end the marriage.

i hope this didn't come accross as mean or harsh, i'm just trying to remind folks here of the original reason for why we marry in the first place..

i'm bisexual, but all i care about is finding the right ONE person to be with. whether it's male or female, doesn't matter.. i could easily live my life having never been sexually active with one or the other, just as long as i find the right person to share the rest of my life with, then i will die a happy man.

but who knows? maybe i will fall into the same trap and end up in an unhappy marriage.. guess only time will tell.

[Colbalt_Blue]

This is what I have learned:
1) Honesty is very important in a relationship.
2)You cannot ignore who you are without creating resentment.
3) Compromise: You have to be willing to compromise and to work through things.

My partner is bisexual. He has a desire to be with women. He would like me to go out and meet other guys, but I don't have any interest in that.

So we had to set up some ground rules. He has to make sure I am first and this relationship and what we have comes first. He will not bring anyone back here to the house. He will always come home at night. And he will not tell me about these trysts unless I ask. (he is looking for sex with women, and nothing else at this point, but he's just 20 years old and that could change in time)

This has worked so far for us. The other thing that I have told him is that we will revisit the agreed upon rules if he finds that this isn't working for him any longer.

The point of the above is that you have to find what works for you and you have to come to some kind of agreement with your partner. This is what works for us right now, but it may change in the future.

I try to give him as much freedom as I can. Being so young, he needs to be able to go out with his friends, to hang out with them, and to grow and figure out who he is.

Standard disclaimer applies: This is what works for us, and your mileage may vary.

[Colbalt_Blue]

[QUOTE=TorontoGuy2007]if straight people can stay committed to one person (instead of cheating with other opposite-sex partners) then bi sexuals should also be able to stay commited to one person (instead of cheating with either same or opposite sex partners) - end quote


The problem with this logic is that one hand does not satisfy the other. All bisexuals I have talked to have said to me that if they have sex with a man, it does not satisfy their need to be with a woman. So most (all?) bisexuals need to express the sexual desires for each sex. If they are in a committed relationship with one sex, the need to be with the other sex builds up and the desire becomes over powering for some. Others can ignore it or suppress it.

Yes, they can suppress it for a time. But it needs to surface and be expressed at some point.

Yes, bisexuals can fall in love and do every day. But I am not convinced that the sexual desire is always attached to the love desire.

[glantern954]

I think SOME people are wired for monogamy, just not as many as our cultural "norm" would have us believe.



Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me. :(

[Snafu]

[QUOTE=spartca]

Sounds like you would be much better off with someone who honors your bisexuality - perhaps someone who is also bisexual, multiethnic, genderqueer, transgendered, or somehow else really understands what it means to have a foot in two or more worlds...

QUOTE]

This hit a nerve. I think because he felt like my exploration of my sexuality was a betrayal to the relationship, that he isn't going to be able to accept bisexuality as part of me. Right now the relationship is so fragile I am afraid to bring up anything regarding it at all. But there are a lot of things that are right here. It seems like maybe you have to be willing to give up everything to be yourself, even when you are not 150% sure what that means exactly.

[AngelOfTheMystic]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am bisexual and married myself I am greatful that I have a husband that loves me and supports me. I hate to say this but if your hubby truely loves you I think that he would be willing to cooperate with you and let you be yourself like you should be. If we are not true to ourselves than we are nothing. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out.

[krrptyc]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off.
He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation, I think. I'm not clear if your "sexual exploration" meant that you had sex with a woman or you were just active in gay/bi support group or both. You also said you think of yourself more as a lesbian you occasionally likes sex with men. I read this to mean that you would feel more comfortable and satisfied in a relationship with a woman than you are with your husband. If this is the case, then perhaps you should consider if your marriage is right for you. You said you love your husband but you didn't say you have a wonderful relationship. Here's a big surprise, sometimes we love people who are not good for us (or to us).

If on the other hand, you feel that your marriage fulfills your needs (other than your feelings for women) you can tuck your true identity away and continue to walk on egg shells until your husband either gets over it or decides it’s just too much and he divorces you. Or, you can try to help him understand how much this means to you to in small steps. For example, you could reference a sexual preference or fetish he may have, perhaps one that you don’t understand, and ask him to explain why he likes it. My bet is that he won’t be able to explain why he likes it, he just likes it. You can then relate that to your attraction to women. That’s one small step. From there you can occasionally reference other parts of your relationship, sexual or not and relate them to how you feel. You may never be able to get him to understand or be comfortable with you “being true to yourself” but you will know you gave it a shot and you will know a lot more about him too. Best of luck to you whatever road you take.

[canuckotter]

I've been in a monogamous relationship for about 9 1/2 years, married for just over 3. My wife is bi too, but even closer to straight than I am.

Most of the time, it's not a problem for me. I rarely notice my same-sex attractions from day to day. When I do start to get antsy, hanging out on bisexual.com and otherwise acknowleging my bisexuality tends to help relieve tension. (For example, here I am today. ;) ) If even that doesn't work, an adult movie or two generally do make the difference.

There are times when nothing seems to work and I spend a day or two (sometimes more) just feeling desperately lonely, despite a very healthy relationship with my wife. Those days are few and far between, so all it takes is a little willpower to get through them. Really, really unfun, but survivable. (Besides, I'm such a clueless goof that even if I wanted to go out and get laid I wouldn't know where to start... even if a horny guy was standing right in front of me :bigrin: )

So, my situation's a little different from yours (of course). I don't have to hide my sexuality in any way, and I have my outlets. Honestly, if I had to hide my sexuality, I couldn't handle a monogamous relationship. It kind of sounds like you're in the same boat, in that you need to acknowlege it and enjoy it (to a certain extent, anyway) or you'll go nuts.

If you're capable of (and interested in) maintaining a monogamous relationship with your husband, then my suggestion would be to do your best to reassure him that you're not going anywhere, but not to try to "compromise" by withdrawing from your local bisexual community -- that's not a compromise, that's him getting his way and you denying yourself something pretty vital to you. That sounds meaner than I intended... I'm not trying to suggest that your husband is a jerk. I'm just trying to say that a compromise that involves you denying something as important as your sexual identity... that's not healthy. It'll hurt you, and in the end it'll hurt your husband. Not a good idea.

[CountryLover]

My husband and I read this and looked at each other with a smile - we could have written this word for word.

We're so in love, so wrapped up with each other that there hasn't been room or need for anyone else - yet it's SO lovely to be able to express our bisexuality freely and openly.


What you have written has some resonances with my experience too. I am a Bi man and my married relationship had already finished years before I started to meet and fall in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a beautiful Bi woman. Apart from finding her totally attractive I have found her to be so open, generous, exciting, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, caring...the list is endless.

You see we have to hide nothing from each other, quite the opposite - we can just BE who we are. It's a huge thing to simply BE. Never knew that before. And never want to lose that.

It's such a freedom and a joy when you don't deny/withhold anything about yourself, or from your lover. In fact you can explore it together and grow!

Because we can express ourselves freely in every area of our lives together I believe I have grown in understanding and compassion too.

We are monogamous. Totally in love. We often fancy the same people, naturally. It's fun. We are not up for poly relationships.

I recommend meeting people who will understand you. If you meet someone very special and fall in love ... well .... you deserve it.

[Snafu]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off.

My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation, I think. I'm not clear if your "sexual exploration" meant that you had sex with a woman or you were just active in gay/bi support group or both. You also said you think of yourself more as a lesbian you occasionally likes sex with men. I read this to mean that you would feel more comfortable and satisfied in a relationship with a woman than you are with your husband. If this is the case, then perhaps you should consider if your marriage is right for you. You said you love your husband but you didn't say you have a wonderful relationship. Here's a big surprise, sometimes we love people who are not good for us (or to us).

If on the other hand, you feel that your marriage fulfills your needs (other than your feelings for women) you can tuck your true identity away and continue to walk on egg shells until your husband either gets over it or decides it’s just too much and he divorces you. Or, you can try to help him understand how much this means to you to in small steps. For example, you could reference a sexual preference or fetish he may have, perhaps one that you don’t understand, and ask him to explain why he likes it. My bet is that he won’t be able to explain why he likes it, he just likes it. You can then relate that to your attraction to women. That’s one small step. From there you can occasionally reference other parts of your relationship, sexual or not and relate them to how you feel. You may never be able to get him to understand or be comfortable with you “being true to yourself” but you will know you gave it a shot and you will know a lot more about him too. Best of luck to you whatever road you take.

My sexual exploration consisted of me going to lesbian bars, becoming involved with a group of lesbian and bisexual friends, going to a womens sexual minority group, going to the International conference on bisexualty in Toronto, ...came out to my co-workers, mom, brother, went through 3 theripists (third one is a charm). I did get drunk one night and tell him that I had asked a woman for a kiss and she said no.

His gay brother told him that if I was going to lesbian bars that I most certainly screwing around on him because that is the only reason gay people go to bars and that they are meat markets. I think his statement was a reflection of why he goes to gay male bars.

Beyond that there was a thing or two...or so that was part of my exploration. Also I asked him a bunch of times if I could make love to woman because I wanted to figure out my sexual orientation. It truly was a feeling of being stuck and that if I didn't find out if I was gay or not that I would explode. I since have decided that I enjoy having sex with him. That women can in real life actually turn me on, and I am sure a woman could probably satisfy me if I ever go that far .. And I am willing to give the marriage a try, a year-ish. The relationship with him can indeed feel very good, when he shows up emotionally which is something he isn't liking to do and then blames it on his resentments of me and my bad behavior.....it's hard to say whether or not I would be happier with a woman because my women experience is fairly limited. Especially when it comes to relationships. I may identify more lesbian because I actually came out to everyone but my family in my 20s as lesbian. It may be internal biphobia too. Or it may just be that men are interesting and that women and their body parts are way interesting! My plan is to give the relationship a year and see if I can be happy keeping things a little under the radar and see if he can get past his resentments and lack of emotional intimacy. If he can't, then it may be time to move on. The more I think about it though the more I feel like the fact that he sees my sexual orientation as something bad is starting to sit really wrong with me.

[To_by]

Funny though -- it seems like you should be able to express your sexuality. I mean within the bonds of marriage and consent... :three: Seems like love's the key.

[coppergirl1967]

Ya know I have never been with a woman and I love my husband with all my heart. Emotionally and physically. However, i have been able to acknowladge to him honestly of my curiosity with women.

He says he would feel ok my being with a woman. However, in the last few days I have watched some videos and chatted with a couple of women and have come to the conclusiong that part of my curiosity is not to give but recieved sexually when it comes to a woman. I love to give to my husband and I do not beleive i could feel the same with a woman.

so my husband and I have decided to watch some of these vidoes so that I can show him in more graphic detail of what i think that i would like. And for us we really feel this will solve my curiosity.

I can't help but wonder if many other bi curious women and possibly men are just more curious about what different things a same sexed person would do to us and if that would feel better. But, also do not necissarily wish to recipricate sexually to the same sex.

I hope this makes sense and would really like any opinions that you might be willing to offer.

[grant_33]

Snafu,

You are getting a lot of information that may or may not be doing you much good right now (monogamy isn't normal, being in a relationship with a bi-mate is wonderful, etc). Nothing against what's already been posted, but . . . .

From what I gather, you entered into your marriage basically hetero, then figured out after the vows that you're at least bi-curious and maybe even bisexual. People change all the time; you just happened to do so after getting married.

You have a spouse who isn't comfortable or understanding, at least thus far, with/about this change.

I see two possible outcomes. Either you change back to the way you were when you were married, or he changes to accommodate the new you.

You have to ask yourself and your husband if either is possible. If either can occur, then your marriage keeps going, with this incident acting as a speed bump that all marriages have from time to time. If neither is possible, then for all intents and purposes, your marriage is over. It is just awaiting one of you to pull the plug.

I don't say this as an advocate of divorce. I'm about to celebrate my 20th anniversary next month with my first and only wife.

I say this as someone who sees a very fragile marriage. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? Does he honestly want to spend the rest of his life being emotionally distant? Would you honestly wish a marriage like this on a good friend or a family member?

You are who you are, and he is who he is. If the two of you can't find some common ground with which to continue to co-exist as people who love one another and are supportive of the changes which occur within most all humans, then maybe it is time to go your separate ways.

Hopefully this is not too blunt, but after reading some of the posts, I thought maybe you needed this pointed out.

Take care, and good luck.

[Herbwoman39]

Maybe I'm just a little too dense here, but why does it bother your husband that you work with LGBT groups? As for the bar situation, either he trusts you or he doesn't. I mean, really. It's not like you're going to knock down and molest the first woman you see. It sounds like a trust issue on his part and that generally stems from insecurity.

Is he afraid you're going to leave him for another woman?

When I came out to my husband just shy of two years ago, we had SO many talks. We talked, we cried, I reassured him almost daily. I STILL reassure, though not as frequently. I check in with him once every couple weeks to see how he's feeling about my bisexuality.

Now HE reassures ME when I have a freak-out moment. But believe me, this did NOT happen overnight. It has taken us nearly two years to get to this point. Now we have ground rules in place.

I know it sounds like I'm asking his permission. In a way I am, but I look at it like this; if it was he who was bi, and I was straight, I don't think I would be handling the situation nearly as well as he is. So how can I begrudge him a few ground rules? I would rather hurt myself than hurt him. So we talk. We discuss what HE is comfortable with. Usually it's in line with what I'm comfortable with. If it isn't, we talk some more until we're both completely comfortable with the boundary situation.

In a way they actually help me because, since I'm a bi virgin, I have another reason besides fear and insecurity to take things slow with anybody I might meet.

My advice is don't try to push him too fast. Talk to him about what he *would* be comfortable with. Remind him that when you get all hot and bothered, HE is the one who wins in the end. Because if you're just kissing and petting above the waist, you're going to come home and molest the hell out of him :bigrin:

Trust and communication are the bywords. Always.

[PolyLoveTriad]

Well, if this was my orignal thread, Id have looked through all the replys and thought, although everyone is trying to be helpful, none of this is helping me lol no offenses to anyone at all I love you everyone here...

I was in almost the same situation as you. My ex knew I was bi before I married him. And he said he didnt have any problem with it at all, and in fact thought it might be nice to have a 3some at some point. Well like 3 years into our marriage, I met a woman, who I really liked. I told him right away when I realised I was starting to have some feelings there, what I was thinking about her and what I was feeling. He came freakin unglued on me. I hadnt even kissed her and he was pissed. He wanted me to be with him and only him. I said to him, 'yea well you knew who I was when we got married'.

Well, you notice I say my ex. I loved him very much and I still miss him even today. Leaving him was the hardest choice I ever had to make, but I decided that I needed to be free to be who I am.

Being bi-sexual is a part of what makes me, ME. If the person Im married to, or dating, doesnt want to let me be with a woman also, then as far as I can tell, they dont love me enough to allow me to express myself and be who I am. I knew I needed to be honest to myself and be good to myself and trying to be in a straight only relationship is supressing who I am and basically lying to myself who I am.

One other thing I wanted to say, you said in the first part there, that you prefer women over men. Do you think youre truely bi, or is it possible youre lesbian and yore just trying to do what you think is best for others?

My reccomendation is this, Take a week off from everyone including your husband. Go on a retreat of sorts, so you can figure it all out and be able to think things through so that you can come to a cunclusion that you can live with. Everyone needs a little time away from it all, even from our spouses.

Ive since met a wonderful man who I have been with for 11 yrs now, who happens to be bi also. We have been monogamous to each other for all of this time until we made the decision to invite someone else into our lives, who of which we havent found yet lol

I dont think you need to split up, or that someone needs to be with someone who is bi, but it kind of sounds like he may have something against being bi or gay and possibly homophobic.

Ok just me rattling on :) I hope you figure it all out!

[someotherguy]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

[luvrnpa]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).


YES, YES, and yes. This is why I haven't acted on my bi-sexuality. So far, I'm only on this site to find out that I'm not alone in my thoughts. I don't want to 'cheat', so I don't. Physically. But in my thoughts, I rule the world every day! (lol).

[tatooedpunk]

I dont think you can,
I do cyber with guys but that is not "honest"
would love to find an honest way out but i dont think there is one

[Snafu]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

Wow. OK, I don't mean to sound critical, but that sounds very idealistic, like something I would have said when I was on the way to getting married or with i the first couple years. So tell me you have been married 25 years and you have a great relationship with your spouse and that you feel this way abotu the other perso you are married to?

Actually, it brings up a whole other thought of how are people suposed to feel about each other 9+ years into a monogamous relationship? And what kind of differences are there between legally married society sanctioned heterosexual family of origin "supported" marriage and a same sex 9 year relationship? Does the same sex relationship end faster because your family and society doesn't pressure you into keeping it going at all costs? Or does it suffer beause that lack of "support" (pressure) not encourage keeping the relationship going at all costs? Do straight married people expect less happiness out of their marriage than non-married commited folks of any gender combonation? Does that sort of hijack my own thread?

Anyway on the first front I do think I am more into women than men, but I do love my husband a ton, he can turn me on and " do it" for me, but it is also hard to say if any of this is just "grass is greener" board of all these years...just not happy no matter whatville. I might be happier with a woman and I feel like one "problem" is that I identify as very very queer so I always feel gay and/or bisexual and/or queer...just different in a way related to sexual orientation and gender. And I always have the urge to hanging out with gay people, goingon gay travel, going on Olvia cruises. Everything is gay gay gay. But gay people don't know what the heck to think of me. I know I showup on their gaydar and then the find out I am married and they never ask, they just look at me like i totally confuse them. So I don't fit there either. Thoughts on any of that?

[thegreenfairy18]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!
yay i am not the only one going through this my hubby cant seem to understand why im gay he is like i am not enough for you and blah blah blah i am like you are i just dont like dick...he is soo jealous when i go out with women...bc he doesnt have what i want lol

[brwnbaby]

In response to Snafu's original question, here goes:

I am a bisexual woman in a serious monogamous relationship/near marriage with another straight man. We have only survived for so long 2yrs. becuase he is so understanding. He allows me to do my thing without getting into serious relationships with other women. Although I had every intention of being straight in this relationship, his understanding is beyond me and has enhanced our relay.
Your husband needs to open up a bit. If he doesn't embrace this part of you, he doesnt truly love the core of who you are. [object Object] :bipride:

[To_by]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

I'm not sure I understand. Why can't a marriage include a bisexual clause? I don't think that: "if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way." There are more ways to lay the emotional groundwork of a relationship than this.

Loving seems more organic than a bunch of rules. Perhaps for many this is the way it is, but I see no reason to think that this kind of convention works for everyone. Life is difficult enough sometimes without a couple having to devise a clever cage to trap their gentle love. If one or both of them be lovers of both genders, what then? Is the answer really simply to suffer the convention or suffer the consequences? I think there's a more practical & in-touch way a couple can explore their wants and needs together and apart. It all depends on the couple.
:2cents:

[BlissNoire]

I tried marriage, in the traditional sense. I was way too young, and way to unaware of who I really was for it to work out. I still had not admitted to myself that I was bi, and sometimes I don't even think bi is a good term for me, since I really perfer women, I just happen to be married to a man.

My first husband was extremely homophobic and the very mention of being gay, be it man or woman, was not to be tolerated. Needless to say, that marriage did not last.

Some years later, many in fact, I met a man who I did not really think I was going to become involved with. We talked, we shared, we cried. All the things you do with really good friends. Well...here we are almost 13 years later and we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary later this year.

The point of this being that when we first met I told him I was bi. I told him I liked girls and that I was looking to meet a nice woman. HE even helped me look. Eventually we realized we were in love, and we got married. And since that time my sexuality has never, NEVER, been an issue.

I think that if you really love someone, and they really love you, they understand things like this. I think a person with an open mind and an open heart can see you through just about anything. Sexuality should not even be an issue. We always talked about perhaps bringing another person into our relationship, but for many years that simply did not happen.

Recently, about a year ago, we met a lovely woman. She's been with us now for just over a year. We don't live together, but we spend a lot of time together, and we love each other. All of us. Yes, we each have a different sort of love one for the other, but it is love and we are making it work.

Maybe I am an idealist, but I truly believe that real love can conquer all. The key is absolutely honesty, from day one, from all involved.

Just my two cents.

[DiamondDog]

I'm not sure I understand. Why can't a marriage include a bisexual clause? I don't think that: "if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way." There are more ways to lay the emotional groundwork of a relationship than this.

Loving seems more organic than a bunch of rules. Perhaps for many this is the way it is, but I see no reason to think that this kind of convention works for everyone. Life is difficult enough sometimes without a couple having to devise a clever cage to trap their gentle love. If one or both of them be lovers of both genders, what then? Is the answer really simply to suffer the convention or suffer the consequences? I think there's a more practical & in-touch way a couple can explore their wants and needs together and apart. It all depends on the couple.
:2cents:

Agreed.
THat's how I view relationships.
I know that I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman and be "forced" or "expected", to "give up" men.

I can honestly say that I'm not cut out for a "traditional" monogamous heterosexual appearing marriage, or a marriage in general since I see it as being too bureaucratic and an institution that people do because they think that they have to. I think it's fine if others are into this for themselves; but I know that it's not something for me. Now I have nothing wrong with weddings or an exchange of vows or whatnot. I'd do something like this.

[coyotedude]

You're in a tough spot, Snafu. I feel for you!

I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that it is possible to be bisexual, married to a straight partner, and happy. The bad news is that this particular model doesn't fit all people and all situations, as you've seen just from this one thread.

But let's use a different word than "marriage" - there's too much damn baggage associated with this one word. Let's use the word "partnership" instead, because the word implies that both partners (or all partners if talking about a poly relationship) have to work together to make the relationship work. And committed relationships - partnerships - are damn hard work to maintain over time.

Let's also clarify that loving partnerships are not just about sex. Sex is an integral part of who we are, of course. But only a part. Life is not just about sex, no matter how much we may pretend otherwise at times!

In a successful partnership, partners do not give up their individual identities. But they do build something together - a shared vision, a joint identity - that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

It's from this that partners can support and comfort each other in the hard times. But partnerships are not just about the hard times. It's just as important for partners to rejoice in each other and share the good times as well.

So.... you have a legal marriage with your husband. But do you have a partnership? Do you have a shared vision? Do you have a partner who will support YOU in good times and bad? Someone who appreciates you - ALL of you - and what you bring to the partnership?

And do you feel the same way about him? Do you feel the same way about your partnership with him?

To me, those are the questions you have to address. To do so, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and with your husband. And you have to be prepared for the answers, no matter how hard they may be.

As I said, I feel for you!

I will say, however, that even if you and your husband end up breaking up your marriage, it doesn't mean you can't have a loving partnership with a loving person. It may very well be that you just haven't found the right person -male or female - yet.

And if you ultimately decide you have found the right person, then more power to you!

Peace

[NorthBiEast]

Let's also clarify that loving partnerships are not just about sex. Sex is an integral part of who we are, of course. But only a part. Life is not just about sex, no matter how much we may pretend otherwise at times!

In a successful partnership, partners do not give up their individual identities. But they do build something together - a shared vision, a joint identity - that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

It's from this that partners can support and comfort each other in the hard times. But partnerships are not just about the hard times. It's just as important for partners to rejoice in each other and share the good times as well.

So.... you have a legal marriage with your husband. But do you have a partnership? Do you have a shared vision? Do you have a partner who will support YOU in good times and bad? Someone who appreciates you - ALL of you - and what you bring to the partnership?

And do you feel the same way about him? Do you feel the same way about your partnership with him?

To me, those are the questions you have to address. To do so, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and with your husband. And you have to be prepared for the answers, no matter how hard they may be.

Peace

Beautifully put! :kay:

[Isaac Steel]

I find myself in the same situation from the male side. I do not want want to lose my wife and kids, yet I know I am bisexual and I often crave sexual contact with a man. I have sworn to be faithful, and my wife also does not like me to discuss my bisexulaity. The only way I stay sane is talking to people who know I'm Bi, I am in a support group and have therapist, contributing to online discussions like this, and writing Bi short stories. It's a daily struggle. I hope it works out for both of us

[Snafu]

You're in a tough spot, Snafu. I feel for you!

I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that it is possible to be bisexual, married to a straight partner, and happy. The bad news is that this particular model doesn't fit all people and all situations, as you've seen just from this one thread.

But let's use a different word than "marriage" - there's too much damn baggage associated with this one word. Let's use the word "partnership" instead, because the word implies that both partners (or all partners if talking about a poly relationship) have to work together to make the relationship work. And committed relationships - partnerships - are damn hard work to maintain over time.

Let's also clarify that loving partnerships are not just about sex. Sex is an integral part of who we are, of course. But only a part. Life is not just about sex, no matter how much we may pretend otherwise at times!

In a successful partnership, partners do not give up their individual identities. But they do build something together - a shared vision, a joint identity - that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

It's from this that partners can support and comfort each other in the hard times. But partnerships are not just about the hard times. It's just as important for partners to rejoice in each other and share the good times as well.

So.... you have a legal marriage with your husband. But do you have a partnership? Do you have a shared vision? Do you have a partner who will support YOU in good times and bad? Someone who appreciates you - ALL of you - and what you bring to the partnership?

And do you feel the same way about him? Do you feel the same way about your partnership with him?

To me, those are the questions you have to address. To do so, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and with your husband. And you have to be prepared for the answers, no matter how hard they may be.

As I said, I feel for you!

I will say, however, that even if you and your husband end up breaking up your marriage, it doesn't mean you can't have a loving partnership with a loving person. It may very well be that you just haven't found the right person -male or female - yet.

And if you ultimately decide you have found the right person, then more power to you!

Peace
This is a great post. Thank you. I had a thought recently about how multi-faceted attractions, relationships, and connections between people are. Like you might meet one person and you have great sex, but can't even have a good conversation, or have fundamental differences in core beliefs.

I am also seeing more and more ever since I went to the International Bisexual Conference in Toronto how I seem to slide up and down the bisexual continuem based on where I put my head and what I do. However my love for my husband has been constant. Even when we have had really bad times, almost had a divorce, and even when I hated him at the same time as loving him. So perhaps I need to find an identity (and expression of it) that fits with my lifestyle instead of looking for a lifestyle that fits with my identity. Being that the sexual orienation is more of a variable that seems somewhat changeable over time. Not sure if I explained that well.

I have to run right now, but I want to come back and write a little more about this very soon. Thanks for the great thoughts.

[wifeofbi]

What you have written has some resonances with my experience too. I am a Bi man and my married relationship had already finished years before I started to meet and fall in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a beautiful Bi woman. Apart from finding her totally attractive I have found her to be so open, generous, exciting, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, caring...the list is endless.

You see we have to hide nothing from each other, quite the opposite - we can just BE who we are. It's a huge thing to simply BE. Never knew that before. And never want to lose that.

It's such a freedom and a joy when you don't deny/withhold anything about yourself, or from your lover. In fact you can explore it together and grow!

Because we can express ourselves freely in every area of our lives together I believe I have grown in understanding and compassion too.

We are monogamous. Totally in love. We often fancy the same people, naturally. It's fun. We are not up for poly relationships.

I recommend meeting people who will understand you. If you meet someone very special and fall in love ... well .... you deserve it.

Hi I had to ask you a question after your response, I am the wife of a bi man, and I have been tring to be open for years, I have agreed to explore videos, books ect. For him he has not been able to open up. He loves me and I know he wants us to work, but he feels like he needs another bi man to talk to, to help him understand himself. How do I get him to open up to me? I am afraid that we will lose our marriage if he does not let me in. I tell him all the time that I am not upset that he is bi, I would only be upset if he cheated....to me that is all that matter...I need him to be faithful...he wants me to allow another bi man in our bed...not sure if I can do that. HELP me save my family...I love him and want to help him also. I want to understand him.

[_Joe_]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

My answer... is I'm not sure how I pulled it off.

There is being true to myself, and then there's going out and getting my desires fulfilled...they can exist separately although they work beautifully together.

For me, it was to accept life as it is for any relationship - which is nothing but a constant exercise of compromises. That's one thing I see lacking in any relationship that fails - lack of compromises. One person stands firm on one issue, the other stands firm on theirs..no budging from both and you pretty much get beaten apart. I look at my wife, whom I love very much, and understand in her I have someone I trust 100%, someone I can talk to with just about anything, whom I have stability in life with, whom I created two great kids we are raising together. So in a way, I have given up 'seeding my oats' to men and women to stay in this very stable life.

Some would say its a tough tradeoff... and to those I've talked to that get to go experiment and play around, they do wish they had some stability in knowing when they came home, there was always someone there for them.... so to me, it's a workable compromise...

And its not simple to live with, I admit it. I like to think of it as someone who quit smoking...it's a constant struggle.

[_Joe_]

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me. :(

Actually... Penguins pick a mate for life and remain monogamous I heard, so had to google around.

Quite a few animals are on the whole Monogamous...there is some 'cheating' however.

[paddington]

Hi, i'm struggling a bit with this. i'm just out of a relationship with a woman,i'm married.my husband has been amazing&is trying very hard to be kind and supportive. we're using porn to try and deal with my feelings towards women.he's suggested swinging but neither of us are very sure if we want to get into that,we've never had casual sex,my husband would only be prepared to try swinging as a threesome. he's not happy for me to be with women without him, i think he's frightened i'll turn round and say i'm a lesbian.i don't think i am,i enjoy sex with him very much but i am finding i'm using more & more fantasy in my own head about women when i'm with him though.i do find him sexually attractive,i love his body.
untill this i'd been faithful all through our marriage,i never expected i'd stray,certainly not with a woman.i want to be faithful but i don't know if i can or want to go the rest of my life without sleeping with a woman again, i miss the softness.we watched The L Word on tv,seeing the couples together made me draw my breath and close my eyes....it hit me how much i miss making love with her,it made me a little sad.But, i'm positive the relationship with her was bad for me because of her personality.
i hope things do last with my husband.someone said to me,"it's not who can you live with....more who can you not bare to live without?" i can't bare the thought i'd not see my husband ever again,i love him dearly.
it's earlie days for us yet,we're taking it slowly and being very open with each other.
any tips? i'm all ears

[darkeyes]

Have always failed 2 undastand wot the prob is on this issue.. in theory at least sexuality shudn matta a jot bout wetha ya hav a monogamy.. wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction..but ifya liv wiv sum 1.. luff em.. an feel ya wanna b true an not stray.. then ya sexuality has nowt 2 do wiv it.. its jus parta the equation wivin the relationship.. its important thatya deal wiv all equations wivin ne relationship.. its not always easy.. but ya can embrace ya sexuality woteva it is an still remain monogamous.. how we deal wiv these things differs from 1 person 2 the next...but all shud involve honesty wivya partner an honesty wiv yasel wetha yas monogamous or not...

[alegrias]

Wow. . . I'm starting to realize just how lucky I am. I just told my hubby that I'm bi after 24 years of hetero monogamous sex. He is totally cool with it. The thought of me being with another woman actually turns him on. He just wants to be there to watch and may want a turn with her too.

If anything, our sex life has improved because now we are more honest and open with each other.

[csrakate]

Have always failed 2 undastand wot the prob is on this issue.. in theory at least sexuality shudn matta a jot bout wetha ya hav a monogamy.. wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction..but ifya liv wiv sum 1.. luff em.. an feel ya wanna b true an not stray.. then ya sexuality has nowt 2 do wiv it.. its jus parta the equation wivin the relationship.. its important thatya deal wiv all equations wivin ne relationship.. its not always easy.. but ya can embrace ya sexuality woteva it is an still remain monogamous.. how we deal wiv these things differs from 1 person 2 the next...but all shud involve honesty wivya partner an honesty wiv yasel wetha yas monogamous or not...

You are so correct, Fran. Monogamy isn't about sexuality...it's about commitment and if a person decides that they wish to commit to one person, sexual desires for another person, regardless of gender are usually swept aside. That certainly doesn't mean that you are no longer bisexual, but it simply means that your love and commitment towards your chosen spouse is strong enough to sustain you. I realize that it isn't easy for the bisexual spouse and my husband and I have gone through a great deal over the last 28 years to get where we are today. I am well aware that he has made sacrifices along the way but the decision to do so was his and he did so out of love for me. It is very much the same way we sometimes put careers, ambitions and sometimes dreams on hold in order to accommodate the needs of others. Being a part of a monogamous marriage is learning to sometimes put others before yourself and seeking other ways to fulfill those desires. Marriage is about give and take as well as mutual respect. As Fran said, this can only be accomplished through total honesty and open communication. I realize that I will never fill the void (no pun intended) that a same sex partner might provide my husband but we have found that it is very possible to work together as a couple to somehow embrace those desires and use them in fantasy and role play (and a toy or two, LOL) during sex.

How a marriage is approached by couples when one of them is bisexual isn't a matter of right and wrong. It's how it works for the particular couple and they are the only ones who can decide how to deal with it. While monogamy has worked for myself and my husband, this isn't always possible for others. It is up to them to decide how they wish to deal with it and if a couple is mutually agreeable about having an open relationship, then that is a decision they made as a couple. It has worked quite well for many people and once again, it's not a matter of right or wrong.

Just my :2cents:

Kate

[Sarasvati]

wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction...

Darling DE, is this not just the kind of misconception about bisexuals that many on this site repeatedly complain about?

Anyway I do not understand why people make sexual fidelity a requirement of a marriage/long term relationship. For me a marriage has as its basic function the provision of a secure environment for the nurturing of children. Otherwise it's merits are questionable.

I find it tragic that so many marriages are ripped apart by sexual infidelity leading to all the ensuing financial and social consequences.

Particularly over the course of a long relationship it is quite natural that one or other of the partners may want to stray. And it may well be healthier for the relationship if that does sometimes happen thus revitalising the 2 people individually and collectively.

I don't think the absence of sexual fidelity from a relationship necessarily undermines any romantic values in that relationship. It seems quite natural to me that our sexual desires, if they are at all healthy, are going to wander and lead us on many a merry dance.

Humanity isn't reading Thomas a Kempis and trying to imitate perfection but freeing oneself from such fetters and allowing expression to those fragilities in nature that make you human.

You can leave a sexual encounter utterly enlivened or utterly drained. Such experiences are not equal.

People sometimes seem crushed by the insensitivity of a partner over their sexual proclivities, unable to move, stifled and discontented, living for another's wants.

To the Americans here, I wonder if your society puts alot of pressure on people to conform to a monogamous/marital model. That's what I feel reading many of the posts from our American contributors. As if you are each looking over your shoulders at the next couple and checking they are not stepping out of line with your morality.

I find something unappealing in the idea of sharing porn with a partner, if your sexual desire is not also naturally theirs. I don't like porn at all anyway. It doesn't celebrate the human form but alloys it with exploitation.

Personally my bisexual/sexual aspect is completely hidden in my life and I only like it in terms of disappearing behind a curtain into the dark recesses of my character. I am sure many others are lured by the mysticality of forbidden desire.

Sexual behaviour can be so easily mechanised and sterilised in its potency. We should allow its mesmerising force to draw us into its tentacles, leaving our cleavers at home in the fish tank with the pet Octopus.

[petunija77]

In my case the whole bisexuality actually helped our marriage. My husband for the first time opened up and put everything up on the table. It wasn't easy first few months, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything else. We have known each other for 10 years, married for 8 and our marriage has never been better. I accepted him 100%, and we have fun being who we are. I have joined few on line support groups. I have also realized there are a lot of people like us, and they are making it work, and they are having fun in the process. People have pretty much said already what I wanted to say, but basically honesty is the key. Trust and communication. Share your fantasies with him, let him share his with you. Watch porn together, talk about what you would do in certain situations. One of the things that helped me out a lot was to listen to a podcast "Sex is fun". I have learned a lot from there, and incorporated in our lives. We listen to it together sometime, and have good discussions afterwards. Your husband needs to understand who you are, and if he loves you as much as you love him, you can make it work. Good luck.

[darkeyes]

Darling DE, is this not just the kind of misconception about bisexuals that many on this site repeatedly complain about?

It is hardly a miscoception wen its the reality... bisexuals do hav a larger field from wich 2 find attraction... wy me sez arguably it mite be more difficult is cos it is arguable that sum 1 who is committed 2 a monogamous relationship may slip an stray from ther commitment cos ther is so much more of a field 2 slip up wiv... howeva... the principle is the same as for gay an het peeps who r so committed... we r human an for many they neva stray an r quite happy wiv ther lil lives... but sumtimes that happiness, contentment an commitment gets rudely interrupted by summat they neva bargained for or expected... a chance meetin wiv sumthin they didn expect an animal instincts an sexual attraction take ova...sum fite it off an keep ther commitment ..sum r unable 2 an everythin goes awry... by the very nature a bein bisexual, an by the sheer fact that we dubble the potential attractions ..it can b argued wiv sum justification that bisexuals who r monogamous, hav more opportunity 2 encounter problems wich throw inta doubt ther commitment 2 ther partner than gay or het people... thats not a misconception..thats a reality...

...am not arguin for or gainst monogamy or ne thin else S... me an me partner hav very diff views on the issue but we both agree on wot me is sayin 2 ya vis a vis the position bisexuals find themselvs in regardin monogamy...

[paddington]

Hi, untill i had this relationship i'd been faithful for over 20 years of marriage and i believed i was totally straight. i never thought i'd EVER stray.i understand being faithful is not an issue relating to the gender of the person any of us are with.part of the reason for ending the relationship i was having with her was to do with the way she was,part of it was because of how i feel about my huband,i love him and my behaviour was causing him such pain.
we are being very honest with each other,sometimes that's very hard but i believe it's that honesty that's helped us stay together and form a much closer bond,a deeper love. it depends on what people want from a marriage,being here reading the posts has opened my eyes,people manage things in allsorts of ways,some of them have shocked me,but what comes through to me is the honesty,the love and respect that is utmost in those relationships as people try to make the relationship work and find a way forward that suits them,i've learnt not be so judgemental,i was guilty of this before i ended my affair.
i am very lucky,my wonderful husband loves me enough to give me a second chance,he's open to looking at other,new things he'd not considered before for our relationship.we may or may not try other things but we'll make those choices together.

[billbrown]

After 17 years of marriage, my wife has "come out" as bi. She has a lover...very experienced...billionaire...attractive and sexually skilled beyond belief lesbian. I'm a little intimidated but love my wife and am willing to go forward with this (like I have a choice)...they have been at it hot and heavy for about 3 weeks...a little stressed out...any info for the readers I can use ?

[_Joe_]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!


Sometimes...its a daily battle.

Some short sayings that hopefully will help you "You never know what you got till you lose it" and "The grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence"

I love my wife, and still love jumping her bones. I love the mental connections we have, and the memories we've built over many years and those to come. I don't think I could do without those if I decided to go chase my lustful passions, and last thing I need is to be looking back in realizing the grass was't greener, or really fully understand what I actually had.

[lizard-lix]

Like Joe said, sometimes it is a daily battle... (I'll change that to struggle)

This has been the only monogamous relationship I've ever been in..

For the folks who asked "what about some bi accommodation?" WTF? If you are monogamous, being bi is nothing special, straights can't have sex with others either. I don't see that you only get to have sex with one "kind" of person as anything special, you agreed to only have sex with one PERSON. OTOH, I want more too...

I love my wife and we have been partners in the truest sense for over 30 years. I DO NOT want that to change!

But truthfully I want to have sex with others, men and women, and I have the whole time we've been together. She knows I am bi, I told her before we married. She is OK with it and is somewhat curious herself, but she has not acted on it...(her choice not to, as it was her request and my agreement to be monogamous)

I kinda slide on the edge now and then since I do cyber a little. She knows, but not in the deepest detail. She knows I chat on the net and that I talk about sex a lot (I used to trade a lot of porn, so that was part of it).. My masturbating to porn is fine with her, but masturbating in chat is not as clearly OK.

The solution, maybe, I hope, is to stop being monogamous, but to not cheat. We've been to a swinger's club and intend to go back. If we find another couple to play with, then great! If not then back to the drawing board...

We've also discussed my getting a 'hall pass' but so far neither of us like that choice. I am not sure why (maybe I am, I want it for BOTH of us and I want us in it together, sharing, as we do with everything else, but is that fair either?). If it was for fishing or bike riding or anything BUT sex, she'd have told me to go find a partner years ago, as she has for these other activities. I think that is the old standards hanging on.

This has been kind of rambling, but I find that in the last few years, pretty much since I passed 50, that I want to have some more and new fun and play, it really is now or never, and that after 32 years of monogamy it chafes a bit, not nearly enough to risk our relationship, but enough to try to change it.

Liz