I need GOOD advice.

[Notsosure]

Alright, so the backstory is as follows:

At a young age (3 or 4) mu uncle started putting me, and his son together with dirty magazines, then allowing us to act out what we saw. He used this knowledge to blackmail me for most of my life, although he never touched me physically, he did screw me up pretty badly in a sexual sense. from masturbation, to full on sex, all I got was bad advice, and then when I sought answers, it was used against me. I was terrified of my step-dad, and since my mother would have told him everything that was going on (my uncle lived with us) and that would have been very bad. So in essence I had no-one to turn to. I found myself again, and again, experimenting with other boys, both as a recipient, and a giver. At around age 12, I remember making a concious decision that I was not going to have sex with boys anymore, and I focused on girls from then on.
Last year my uncle died, and I had an unexpected emotional upheaveal. Along with this, I finally told my mother all the things that had happened to me as a kid, and began a SHORT stint of counseling. I am still very unsure of where to go from here. I have been married for 12 years now, I have great kids, and a great wife whom I love very much, it's just that I am attracted to guys on a certain level. Don't misunderstand me, I have ZERO intentions of leaving my wife, and I am sure I am not 100% gay. It's just that I find myself thinking more and more of what sex would be like with a man. I am turned on by both sexes, and I KNOW I am a complete and total slut (I always have been) and I know that my needs are purely physical, but I don't want to act on them, and risk my marriage. It's just that sex with my wife has become boring, and I think more and more of the times when I was worshipped, and was a worshipper of the male body. Of course I still like to look at women, and would love to have great sex with my wife again, but the thought still lingers..... WHAT TO DO? Any sincere advice is deeply appreciated

[wellred]

Hello Notsosure,

You are an amazing man! Your childhood was fraught with abuse and neglect, yet you have become a successful husband and father. It is understandable that you are experiencing surges from your past. Events like the death of an abuser are known to trigger past emotions.

Not only do you have the inner strength to make decisions about how you want your life to be, but you also have the love of your wife and children. These sound like foundations for your development.

Many of us with bisexual feelings have a mixture of nature and nurture that shape who we are, including our sexual orientation. Whether you decide to act on those feelings or not, they are a part of you. By no means are you a "total slut". You have consistently demonstrated integrity.

You describe several problems...

1) childhood abuse - I strongly recommend that you seek ongoing counseling (6 months to a year) with someone you trust and who has the leverage to help you get to a more comfortable place with yourself. You will feel better about who you are and be a better husband, father, and friend.

2) sexual orientation - This is a wonderfully safe place to explore your sexual thoughts and feelings. You may also find other secure sources in your life to explore your sexual feelings and conduct.

3) marital relationships - After more than a decade of marriage, folks often settle into routines. There are many ways that you can spice up your love life with your wife. This activity can become a partnership activity with her, where you both are experimenting with new ways to connect -- sort of like dating a very good friend. But you do need her commitment to do so and she may have her own distractions and burdens.

But first things first, you need to be doing good things for yourself. What are the things in life that bring you joy -- watching a sunset, a glass of ale, are walk in the woods, a good book, etc.? Do what nourishes your soul. You need to first feed your bruised spirit, so that you have energy to face this new level of growth that I am suggesting.

I wish you every success. Let me know if I may be of assistance.

Hugs to you,
Red

[arana]

Hi Notsosure!

I am in no position to give anyone advice so I won't even try to, but I commend you for the great things you've done with your life dispite the obsticals you've had to overcome. I think Wellred is very wise with what he's told you and he does know what he's talking about.

I've been in a similar position and know a bit of how you must feel. I finally opened up to some people in my family and was very surprised not to be treated the way I had expected to be all those years I was quiet. Altho at the same time it was heartbreaking to know that there was someone that suspected something going on and did nothing.

I'm glad you've found your way here and hope that this will be another outlet for you to gain perspective on yourself. People here are very kind and helpful.

Best of luck to you,
Arana

[jeff64]

Hi Notsosure

Its refreshing to hear such honesty and a willingness to be happy and at peace. As suggested by WellRed, reaching out is the key. Finding someone you can trust to externalize your thoughts and feelings. In my own experience I found a Gestalt psychotherapist to be extremely effective. As a result of childhood sexual abuse I carried much SHAME into my role as an adult, parent and husband. The Gestalt techniques provided some instantaeneous results for me....awakenings and moments of clarity with huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Essentially, for me it was about giving the shame and guilt back to the perpetrator, while simultaneously taking back my innocense. What I discovered, as I hope you do, is that most of the baggage I was dragging through life didn't even belong to me. Since that time (2 yrs ago) my spirit has continued to lighten up, my boundaries are healthier and my self worth and esteem have escalated dramatically.

In Australia access to mental healthy professionals is excellent and free to low income earners. I understand that in other countries this isn't the case, so you have to be more resourceful. Just externalising your fears and feelings on this site or even to a priest will be of some benefit. If you can find the courage, maybe even to your wife. I suggest that, simply because I left it too late to open up and face my fears. As a result I only see my children's smiling faces 2 mornings per fortnight. I lost everything that meant anything to me, but It may not have been that way if I had had your willingness to change and your desire for honesty.

Good luck and give yourself a big pat on the back

Jeff

[laidback]

While I am no expert in this area and have never suffered the horrible indignities that you have suffered I totally agree with wellreads advice. You have a loving wife and beautiful children that should be the total focus of your life as you seek counseling the help you restore your mental health. As for sex being boring with your wife, that happens to all of us at some point in time. Just trust her to listen to you as you tell her how you feel right now and constantly emphasise the love you hold for her and let the two of you explore new horizons TOGETHER. She may be feeling the same way and is looking for a way to tell you. Just keep it honest and open and these things usually work themselves out of given a chance as a partnership. Thats my 2 cents worth. Good luck and god bless.

[lovelydi]

ok, i hope u dont mind but ifelt i kind of had to say something.The abuse u suffered in your vhildhood is obviously still an issue, why was it a short stint of therapy?have u ever thought of going back?And i do realise that u tie ur sexual relations and how u feel back to those days and thats fair but u do realise that u have to try and seperate those as two very different things.The abuse u suffered shouldnt have any bearing on whether or not to explore right now or cheat on your wife.im sorry that u couldnt have healthy sexual relationships with boys when u were free to and that lead you to think solely of being with women and it must be trying to say the least to be with your wife and be happily married now but just now getting those feelings like u want to explore or its finally ok to explore when its not really a possibility anymore.It is ultimatly your decision but please just concider these things,
if u did experiment with men again,ie cheat, and she did find out, how would she feel?would you stay together after that?what would this do to your kids and your family?knwoing all this, is it worth it?Myopinion is its a shame that u couldnt explore when u had th chance and im very sorry you had to miss out on that and these realisations came too late,but u cant hurt your family and your relationship now because of it, u cant take it out on them basically and thats what ud be doing.

Another thing, have u ever tried talking to her?maybe ud have an answer or feel better just letting it out or ud realise it wasnt worth it.OR maybe she'd be willing to explore with u...all things to concider...

[Notsosure]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm at a tough stage right now, I am under severe stress, due to money, and marital issues. I will try to keep everyone posted on my progress. Thanks for all the kind comments. Rest assured I am not going to cheat, my family means more to me than that.

[wellred]

Hello Again,

My first posting to you was written in haste because I sensed the sincerity and urgency of your request. I am hopeful that my bluntness was not offensive.

The most important message that I can send to you is: "You are not alone". And you do not have to carry the load that you are carrying alone. Lean on the kindness of others, here at this site and elsewhere in your life. [The people that have responded to your posting are speaking from their hearts.]

Money and relationship problems often stem from a sense of emptiness, a lack of love, a lack of self-love. There are ways to plug the leaks in your soul and nourish your self-worth.

I, personally, know that you may feel at times that it is all too overwhelming to deal with. But if you are able to get even one small part of life working better, you will feel so much more energized. You deserve more Light in your life.

Please email me or send messages through this site. I want to be available to you if you have interest.

Shalom,
- Red

[jo69guy]

I myself am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I know what you are dealing with, and hope that you have seeked some professional help. You are NOT alone, and therapy has done me a world of good.

[mike9753]

Hi Notsosure:

I am continually shocked at man's inhumanity to man, but I am also in awe when I hear stories of such abuse and the healthy way people cope with the tradgedy of their past. You deserve so much admiration and credit for making your life successful with all that baggage from you childhood.

All the advice and suggestions I have read are all great. Take the advice. Seek out long term counseling from a competent, experienced professional. It sounds to me that you have dealt with a good deal of the trauma, but what remains is your view of yourself as less then it should be. In other words, all of us who have responded to your first post seem to value your struggles much more highly than you do yourself. It's not surprising. But this is where you should be working on things - to heal your perception of yourself.

Wellred had some great suggestions. All the Replies were positive. You have done a great deal that is admirable and healthy to deal with your past. Recognize it and build upon it. Don't be afraid of making mistakes. Learn how to forgive even the most vile of the people who violated and abused you. Give back to your community because you have so much to give.

Studies have shown that the happiest people in this world have a few things in common. They are:
1. They are in a relationship with a life partner where there is mutual respect, honesty, humor and equality. (Not to say that they don't have problems but they work hard at solving them).
2. They have a philosophy of living - perhaps a religious belief system or perhaps a set of beliefs that they apply to how they live their lives - to deal with life's ambiguities. They take an active role in practicing this belief.
3. They are engaged in activities that they can feel good about - maybe it's work, maybe it's raising children, maybe it's retirement - but it's task oriented, and allows them to feel good about what they accomplish.
4. They give back to others in some way. Charity work, sometimes it's just donating money. Sometimes it's actively being engaged in doing good for others less fortunate.
5. They spend time in leisurely and recreational persuits that revitalize them and help them to renew their spirit.
6. They have friendships that they cherish - could be wth one other person, other than their life mate, or could be with a gaggle of friends. But they are engaged in outside relatioships.

There maybe more, but these are the ones I remember most. When I feel I am down and unhappy, I give some thought to these and low and behold I find I need to invest more time and energy in one or more of these areas.

Good luck. Do what you've been doing. You sound like you are on the right track.
Mike