my torture.

[Eva Rae]

i just wanted to share my story and see if anyone had any interesting opinions. i'm dealing with this alone and while i know it is actually pretty common it's been very hard on me.

I got married 5 months ago to a wonderful man whom i thought i would live happily and peacefully with for the rest of my life. about 3 months ago i met a girl and developed a crush. i have been very sexually open and very sexually active since i was pretty young but i had never had any girl/girl experience. i initially chalked my interest up to curiosity and thought it best to just tell my husband about the whole thihng and see what could or should be done about it.

well, i met the lady...things went ok...nothing major happened. some kissing and groping and that was that. it never progressed any further. at first my husband was very open to the idea of me expirimenting with women. saying things like "i dont want to deny you anything" and "do whatever you have to do."

enter lady #2...lady #2 *sigh* she broke down my walls, she climbed into my heart through a back window and she began to patch together all the peices that were coming loose. she filled me with such emotion i began to neglect my husband. i started feeling like he wasnt enough. like he just didnt poses what i need.

long story short...lady #2 broke my heart. she was my first girl/girl sexual experience and i fell for her rather quickly. and suddenly she was gone. we no longer speak and i sometimes resent my husband for the fact that she is not a part of my life. like if i wasnt married and complicated she would still be here.

i havent slept with my husband in 2 months and i'm not sure what i'll do about my marriage. i'm so broken hearted and cant find it in me to tell him that i slept with her. i have tried to be honest and i have told him everything except for the day she dropped me off and he looked into my eyes all i could say was "nothing happened" for fear he would never let me see her again. he doesnt understand this is not about an experience. he doesnt understand at all.

anyway that is that...

that is my torture...

my heart is heavy. i miss her terribly.

my husband is wonderful and would give me the moon and stars in an instant. but i fear he's not enough for me.

i'm so sad and confused.

[FerociousFeline]

Wow, it SOUNDS like torture. For you both. It's difficult to respond to your obvious pain about this, as, the last thing anyone would want to do is make it worse for you. It looks as though you have discovered one of the terrible pitfalls of polyamorous love. I think if I were to be a friend to you I would remind you of the fact that you selected this man for a reason. While he may not represent what it is that you are (relatively) suddenly in the mood for, it's important for you to realize that just because you saw something sweet that you wanted, doesn't mean that you made an incorrect choice in selecting him. As I see it, your torture is the result of two issues. One of which you can do something to resolve, the other, apparently is unresolveable. Work on the issue you have power over. I imagine you feel like a tug-of-war rope, and right now I'd say what you need more than anything else is the feeling of some amount of control over what's happening. I hope this helps.

FF

[LoveLion]

I really have no experience in this area, so the only advice I can give is dont give up on your marriage yet. The hurt from the other woman is still very fresh. If you give it time you may be able to see the big picture a little clearer. You also should examine the nature of your relationship with both this other woman and your husband. You felt immediate intense passion for this woman as is very common in the beginning of most relationships. I bet if you think back you had similar feelings for your husband when you and him where just starting out. Because your relationship with this woman ended so abruptly while you where still in the new love phase the hurt feels more intense. When it comes to long term relatioships you need to look for enduring love. You need to ask yourself if you have that with your husband.

Whatever you find, my best wishes to ya

[Long Duck Dong]

eva, grab a glass of wine or whatever you drink and have a seat with me out under the stars

you may wanna grab the tissues too..... I may start crying ..

ok... heartbreak is hell. hun... no bones about it......

thats one of the things that we find in our interaction with males and females.... when things turn to shit....they do it on a mega scale

one of the first things you need to do, is not blame anybody or anything.... its too easy to blame the wrong thing.....
and one of the other things... and I know I hated anybody that said this to me, and now i am saying it ( mumble, mumble ) is TIME.... working thru this will take TIME....

you have a lot of choices you can make.... and believe me, trying to make the right one is hard enuf, without ya head in a blender and ya heart in the shredder

SO... i am gonna try and help you with a few areas.... but i can't help much.... there is no easy fix for a broken heart

ya marriage.... hun you are telling us ya hubby is top notch... a real good guy.....but hes not enuf for you... so hun... you are gonna have to decide for his sake and yours..... if you are gonna stay in the marriage, and possibly change the marriage to a open marriage where you can have other ladies ( and risk more heartache and heart break ) or walk away from the marriage, not calling it a mistake and a fuckup... but acknowledging you got married before you knew about how you could feel with a lady
its possible to save a marriage and have a open marriage... if that idea works for both of you..... but it takes a lot of trust and support and understanding

ya sexuality ??? not important, unless you wanna label ya sexuality....you can be bisexual or lesbian... its not important at this stage...... what is important... is how you feel about hubby.... are you not sleeping with him because you don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore.... or cos your heart is aching and breaking....
either way, its a straight partners nightmare.....and about the only good thing i can say about it, is its better that it was 5 months of marriage and not 5 years..... not that it makes a difference....it still hurts BOTH partners and divorces can get messy

being honest ??? hell.... try putting ya emotions into words....you can tell hubby what happened, but trying to explain how you feel, is next to impossible
and its very possible that he may not wanna see that it was MORE than just a experience.... you are talking about falling in love with another person....if it was me, I would shit myself, cos it raises the possibility of losing my partner, the person i LOVE

if you want my totally honest opinion on ya life as it stands ...

ok... be honest with yaself.... you can love ladies.....as well as men..... but you are gonna have to make the choice that affects your future and that of ya hubbies...... DON'T rush it..... you fell in love with somebody that walked out of your life....and now you are facing hubby with the same thing

try and take one day at a time and look at all the possibilities ... a open / polyamorous marriage... could you and hubby handle and survive a marriage with you having another lady as a lover / possible partner ???
by falling in love with another female, you bring that possibility to life, if you stay in the marriage....

if its not possible to save the marriage.... will it be possible to bring the marriage to a peaceful end.... its not easy.... and its gonna hurt like FUCK....
but staying in the marriage can hurt both of your even more and its possible you both may end up hating each other

would you handle life in ya marriage, if you didn't sleep with another lady

I could be a total asshole...and say that cos it was such a short time thing with the 2 nd lady, that it can't have been love.....but i fancy not having you force feed me my teeth thru my ass with ya foot....

my feeling is that it was a bond between two people, that is very strong and deep.... and its having the same effects on you as a broken heart from a long term full loving relationship, would do to you

there is a lot i can say..... but... honestly, its stuff you already know...so all i can do with give you a hug, wipe away the tears, yours and mine, and wish you and hubby get the chance to take a lil time.. and make the right choices .....

[someotherguy]

I don't see yourself as the victim here. Your husband is being discarded, and probably never was loved, except in this fleeting kind of projected way you seem to apply on people as putting clothes on a doll. Bisexuality isn't the issue here, that I see. I see the common mistake of immaturity dooming a marriage. I suggest divorce ASAP, to end your torturing of your husband, whether or not he deserves it.

[Chaia]

Eva,
LDD is right...about everything. It is so painful now, but it will get better. I think it is too soon to give up on your marriage. I don't know your husband, but he sounds like he is kind and open and understanding. I, too, have been having some painful times, because I am in love with a woman (who is also married). At first my husband, like your husband, just thought it was an experience thing--an "I want to have sex with a woman" thing. He was cool with that and I didn't want to tell him it was love, because I didn't want to hurt him. Finally, through many conversations, he realized that I am in love with her...but that I still love him just as much as I always have and I do not want to leave him for her. There was about 24 hours where he really had to think about it, but I reassured him of my love for him and now we are doing really well. He and I have a stronger relationship than we ever have had--and I think it is because I shared my love and my pain and he helped me through it. I don't know if your husband is like mine, but I think one of the things that is making your marriage difficult right now is the distance created by the things you have not told him. Sharing the joy and the pain are what brings us closer to others. Not knowing any more than what you have told us, I would suggest that gently sharing your feelings with your husband and reassuring him that you still love him might help you feel better about your broken heart and help to bring you closer to your husband.

[Eva Rae]

thank you so much!!! i know that no one can fix this for me, and while i know that some people sill look at my situation negatively i can honestly say i didnt think it would happen here. "someotherguy" you clearly have some issues that need working out as well. i never said i was the only victim. my husband is in more pain than i ever could have imagined myself putting him in. i am not immature and i did not rush my decision. at the time it was the right one to be made. you can never tell when you will feel tomorrow so you have to make the decisions that are right for you today. love is a fleeting thing. changing constantly...a flow chart of ups and downs. perhaps someday you will realize that it is not so black and white as you think it is. it is, i understand, unfortunate that i didnt realize this before i vowed forever with him but there is not much to be done about that now and i refuse to feel guilty for a decision i made whole heartedly.

as for everyone else. i love that you guys even took the time to read this let alone comment on it. you advice is appreciated more than you could know. my feelings now are that it is nearly pointless to tell him i fell in love with her simply because she is gone. but my mind changes frequently. eventually i'm sure i will come to the right conlucsion. and if not the right one aome days it feels like any conclusion would suffice.

thank you again. i'll keep you guys posted. if you're interested.

thank you thank you thank you!!!!
eva rae

[someotherguy]

The immature part is from not seeing that marriage isn't about how you happen to feel one day to the next. Marriage is a promise to hang in there no matter how the feelings change. It is a choice to put someone else ahead of your fickle heart. Everyone has these kinds of transient feelings, meeting people who they grow fond of, being attracted, and so on. And everyone reaches the place where the love they once felt has died, or seemed to. That is the very idea of marriage. It is to know about life being ups and downs. But mostly it is about putting the marriage first, ahead of whatever personal feelings you have. When people do this, they grow into the marriage, and their love matures, and outlasts any of the distractions. Being bisexual has nothing at all to do with it.

I cannot be supportive of the idea that you are the victim of life, love or sexuality. I can only suppose that you entered into marriage thinking of it as a romance. I am glad to know you are aware of your husband's great suffering. Why isn't that enough for you to back off and care about how your actions affect him? I think we see marriage very differently. You sound self-centered to me, and more wrapped up in your own feelings than concerned for your husband. I get this not from having issues of my own, but from what you posted here.

I can see that your wish here is to gather support and sympathy only, and not to hear any other views that take issue with your framing of the situation. That's fine with me. On with the show. From now I will only post where I can smile and nod and applaud, thus preserving the warm embrace of online support. Forgive my lapse.

[deremarc]

If love is a fleeting thing, changing constantly, and nothing is black and white..then explore love that is like that for you.

Marriage is based on permanence, by it's very nature, it is not intended to be fleeting. The structure of a marriage may change, the two people involved may come to a compromise on what marriage means to them, and marriages may end. I've read before that love is a choice, you choose to love someone even through the ups and downs of life. Romantic love is different, it is something external that happens to you to make you feel good. But, even if love is not a choice- marriage (and the commitment to that person) along with the responsibilites marriage entails is a conscious choice to join your life with that of another person.

It's easy to neglect your spouse and your marriage when your focus is anywhere but on the marriage. It's also easy in the thralls of early hot romance, for the stable person in your life to become boring by comparison. Sexual attraction, crushes and being swept off of your feet are all the great parts of being with someone new. But, eventually that feeling fades-either the relationship ends, or it matures into something new and different.

The attraction being for someone of the same sex would at first glance make this seem a different situation and that new rules should apply. But in essence it is the same thing-it is still having sex and an emotional connection outside of your primary one. And, having an open marriage requires a great deal of trust and honesty (and also hard work) from what I hear.

Without knowing your situation, I can hardly judge what is right or wrong for you both. The only thing that stuck out for me, though, was that you have had 2 sexual encounters outside of your marriage-starting a mere three months into the "honeymoon" period. Maybe you both entered the marriage with the idea that it would be an open one, and that the love for each other and the life you would have, would stand up to outside relationships-if so, good for you!

As for someotherguy and his responses...I entered this site with a very different situation-I am the straight half of a couple where the guy is struggling with possibly being bisexual. I fully expected to hear negative comments regarding the way I was dealing with things, but received many positive supportive responses as well. But, I also enjoyed and took to heart the comments that came from very different viewpoints than mine with the intention of learning and growing from the sharing process.

But, as one support group I belong to says..."take what you need and leave the rest". Very good advice.

[mannysg]

I've been in this situation...

My ex wife decided she was bisexual, and found a lady to explore it with. SHe fell in love with that women, and fell OUT of love with me. The lady she was involved with *swore* that she would never take my wife away from me, that if she felt it was about to happen, that she would back off.

Well..... To make long story short....

When my ex fell out of love with me, the other lady didn't leave as she originally said. My emotional (not to mention sexual) needs were totally ignored by my wife. The other lady did go to bed with me a few times to help with my sexual needs/desires, but my ex got jealous (she didn't want to "share" the other woman any longer) and that was the end of my sexual satisfaction in my home. (For the record, the lady did try to help with my emotional needs, but she wasn't the right person to help me in that area.) Shortly after that, I filed for divorce. I could have easily lived with my ex loving both me & the lady she was in love with, but she wasn't able to love 2 people at the same time.

So, I can speak form experience from what your husband might be going through.

LDD said it very well. At the risk of repeating some of what he said.....

You need to 1st decide what you want in life. I'm sure that you do NOT want to hurt your husband, but what you want in your life just might cause him some pain. Be ready to deal with that & help him thru it as best you can.

If you want to keep your husband, talk to him! Tell him what happened, be open & honest. True, he might be hurt and want a divorce, but from what you have shared about him I doubt that he would want to leave you if there was a chance of it working out. You & he need to decide what type of relationship you will have together. If you both honestly think an open marriage will work, and both have no problems with it, then try it out to see what happens. If after learning about your emotional experience with the lady he doesn't want you to explore anymore, then you should be ready to either get divorced or honor his wishes.

If having a relationship with another women is more important to you then staying married, then by all means explain it to your husband and get a divorce. Don't drag it out like my ex did. Dragging it out caused it to be more painful then if she had been honest many months earlier.

It sounds like you care about your husband. Even if you no longer want to be married, I'm sure you'd want to make it as painless on him as possible.

[cottoncandy]

this happened to me when i had been married for about a year and we got thru it you need to be completely honest with him he will be hurt but if he loves you the way he says he does he will help you through it. David and i have now been together for 10 years so there is hope. and if you are bisexual and like being so there are ways to include him to my husband loves hearing the stories when i get back from a date. :flag4:

[hotbicurious]

I have not been in your situation so you should probably pay more attention to people who have, but I am wondering if what you are going through is a natural phase? Let me put it this way- when you were young and first started dating the opposite sex you probably fell in love a few times and had your heart broken, but over time you learned how to separate infatuation from love and to keep a little emotional detachment when you slept with someone. Maybe you have to go through that same learning process with women now.

I think your husband understands that women will connect with you emotionally in a way that a man cannot, so you don't need to feel guilty about that. I also think that over time you will come to appreciate that there is something your husband can give you that a woman cannot.

I guess if you were asking me for advice I would say "push ahead", have as many flings with women as you can so no one woman gets in your head. Consider involving your husband in a threeway so he is not excluded. He may want this but might be afraid to ask you for it, so this is a gift you can give him. Explore your new world and learn how to create healthy boundaries to protect your relationship with your husband, which in the end is the only one that matters.

I also think you should encourage your husband to be a little more assertive and tell you what works for him and what doesn't. It sounds to me like he is being a little too lasseiz-faire, and this can actually do more harm than good. If you are going to play you need to have agreed upon rules with him that you will both respect.

I think you have an opportunity to have an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with your husband that will last but you both will have to work at creating it. I would warn you not to throw this away.

[querty]

Eva, I didnt read most of the good advice above cause I only have but a few minutes let to be online - in my opinion, there is a wall up between you and your husband right now as a result of this experience. You MUST be totall;y honest with him, tell him everything- start to finish, When you start, tell him that what you have to say may hurt him, and ask that he hear you out - hopfullyhe will listen. With all the cards on the table, you can see the forest for the trees, and find your path home.

[happyjoe68]

Eva

It sounds as if that woman used you, and I dont think it would have made any difference to her whether you have a husband or not.

Its not your husband's fault, nor is it your's. Blame that other woman, she's bad to the bone and some people are just like that from day one.

[CountryLover]

I'm going to have to agree with someotherguy on this one. Perhaps I wouldn't have stated it quite so bluntly as he has, but he's nailed it, in my opinion.

Love isn't a fleeting thing - here today, gone tomorrow, in and out like the tide. That's called infatuation. If this is your definition of marriage and love, then you need to cut your husband loose so he can find someone who will love him for the long term.




thank you so much!!! i know that no one can fix this for me, and while i know that some people sill look at my situation negatively i can honestly say i didnt think it would happen here. "someotherguy" you clearly have some issues that need working out as well. i never said i was the only victim. my husband is in more pain than i ever could have imagined myself putting him in. i am not immature and i did not rush my decision. at the time it was the right one to be made. you can never tell when you will feel tomorrow so you have to make the decisions that are right for you today. love is a fleeting thing. changing constantly...a flow chart of ups and downs. perhaps someday you will realize that it is not so black and white as you think it is. it is, i understand, unfortunate that i didnt realize this before i vowed forever with him but there is not much to be done about that now and i refuse to feel guilty for a decision i made whole heartedly.

as for everyone else. i love that you guys even took the time to read this let alone comment on it. you advice is appreciated more than you could know. my feelings now are that it is nearly pointless to tell him i fell in love with her simply because she is gone. but my mind changes frequently. eventually i'm sure i will come to the right conlucsion. and if not the right one aome days it feels like any conclusion would suffice.

thank you again. i'll keep you guys posted. if you're interested.

thank you thank you thank you!!!!
eva rae