Commitment with Bisexuality???

[kevin612]

So, I am still relatively new to the site, but I have posted here a few times before. I am a 26 y.o. male and currently in a great long-term relationship with a girl that I love. We have talked very seriously about getting married and this is something that does really interest me and I get excited about it. My problem is that my apparent bisexuality, or bicuriousity you might call it since I haven't really done too much in real life to act on it, is such an obstacle for me!!! As a background, I have been consulting a therapist for about 9 months now and while I do see some progress, I still am having trouble. I am incredibly physically and emotionally attracted to this woman and when I am not with her, I crave her for sure, but I can not seem to make peace with the bisexual side of me. Whenever I was single and just dating I had no problem with the fact that I was predominantly attracted to women and had mild attractions to men (we'll say 60/40)....but for some reason I am completely unable to find some kind of way to be completely comfortable and CONFIDENT in my sexuality when I am in a serious relationship and looking to be fully commited to a person. I feel like our communication about it is improving for sure, but it is such a hard thing to communicate about when the subject matter itself confuses and stresses me so much on a daily basis.

I plan on having some more long talks with my girlfriend about all of this (she already knows about it in a fairly good amount of detail) but it is really hard to kind of dissect the feelings and try to come up with a viable solution so that I won't walk around everyday with knots in my stomach over the fact that I could be making a terrible mistake or over the fact that I am not a "normal" person and I can't have a loving relationship with a woman who cares about me and me for her. I know a lot of people are going to tell me that I should find a way to have an open relationship or something of that nature, but that is something I really don't want to do, and I am positive she wouldn't be receptive to that thinking either.

I would just love to be a happy and content and confident person in my relationship, and I want to prove to my girlfriend that I can be that kind of person...and I sometimes feel so close to being that, but I just can't quite seem to get there. I know this board is full of intelligent and educated people who have good insight into the world and that is why I am posting here again because honestly, it has been helpful so far, just still kind of struggling at this point... :oh:

[JohnnyV]

Kevin,

Hi, I've been married 6 years and my wife knew I was bi when we married. We have a child and are like any other married couple. She gave me free reign to mess around with guys once in a while, but honestly, the few times I did it, I realized I didn't like it, so I haven't exercised the option much. I do enjoy a lot of gay porn.

Everyone's different, but I would say, just commit yourself to her and it will work out. But you have to want the relationship badly enough to forego any serious involvement with others, male or female. The issues you will face will not be so different from a husband who married a skinny woman and still longs to get in bed with someone voluptuous.

The other thing I can say, just acting on a hunch, is that you need to abandon any idealistic notions of what marriages are. Lots of gay and bi activists like to talk about marriages between women and men who feel some attraction with men, as if they are doomed from the beginning; it's part of their agenda to say that such marriages can't work and therefore gay marriage is necessary to legalize. I support gay marriage but I think that such rhetoric is misleading, largely because it assumes that marriages have to be perfect to function in the first place. If you and your woman love each other and can bring one another happines in some form, that's as good as it gets. Everyone, gay and straight and bi and whatever, struggles with disagreements and goes through times when the sex isn't great. Relationships aren't perfect. Sometimes it's tempting to blame your bisexuality when things are weird, but remember, that in all likelihood your sexual orientation has very little to do with the usual reasons for couples to squabble.

J

[LoveLion]

This questions (or ones similar) have been asked lots of times on this site, so dont worry you are a "normal" person, if you can call any person normal that is lol.

I dont really know form experience but I can imagin how trying to commit to a permanent relationship can be a problem when you are haveing these feelings. From what Iv read on your post, it seems to me that you are looking for some closure, or a "cure" to your bisexual thoughts that will make them go away so you can focus on your gf. Unfortunately its not that simple and nothing like that exists. Your not going to have much luck trying to find a way to get rid of these feelings. They are there and they are going to be there for at least a while.
You are just going to have to accept them for what they are and keep living with them.

If your love this girl and you want to marry her, then dont let them get in the way. If you think about it you either let these feelings tear you up form the inside and ruin your relationship, or you keep going forward and get married despite them. True they are always going to be nagging at the back of your head, but that doesn't mean they should interupt your and your gf's happiness. It may be a pain, but lifes full of those.

[spartca]

Kevin-

Why should bisexuals be different from anyone else? Lost of folks get pre-marriage jitters - staight, gay, or lesbian.

And lots of folks never do get over their desire to sleep with other folks - even though they're married. It's generally called cheating :) The average straight marriage lasts two years.

All I'm saying is that you're not alone, even though you're bisexual. The human species just isn't prone to monogamy. It historical terms it is a fairly recent invention, and one that hasn't even taken in all areas of the globe. Check out this book "The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People:"

http://www.amazon.com/Myth-Monogamy-Fidelity-Infidelity-Animals/dp/B0002OUQU8/sr=1-4/qid=1166131104/ref=sr_1_4/002-9179785-2252021?ie=UTF8&s=books

There are lots of bisexuals who are totally monogamous and faithful to their partners, whether they be in same- or opposite-sex marriages. Marriage and lifetime monogamy totally works for about 25% of the population. But you have to ask yourself - are you in that one out of four people?

You might be ok with getting married, and then getting divorced and dating men inbetween marriages to women. You know, serial monogamy. Lots of people do it. Seems like a big lie to me to say "until death do us part" and then get divorced every time the seven-year itch hits. But that's just me.

Then there are those folks who are responsibly non-monogamous, and have agreements around their extramarital activities. You might want to check out this book "The Ethical Slut:"

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018/sr=1-4/qid=1166131306/ref=sr_1_4/002-9179785-2252021?ie=UTF8&s=books

Anyways, Kevin, I totally support you in whatever you decide to do - get married, get divorced, be polyamorous, celibate, whatever. It's your life! :)

[TorontoGuy2007]

not that i am an expert, but i don't think sexual orientation has anything to do with commitment.

some people want to be commited to one person, others don't

there are lots of straight people in this world who cheat and/or act out fantacies..

it all comes down to love

if you love this woman, then you won't want to be with anyone else..

sure, you'll stilll fantasize about others now and then (men or women) but i don't think you'll be driven to act on it.

[spartca]

if you love this woman, then you won't want to be with anyone else..

Actually it sounds to me like:

1) he loves this woman

AND

2) he might want to be with someone else, specifically a guy:


I am incredibly physically and emotionally attracted to this woman and when I am not with her, I crave her for sure, but I can not seem to make peace with the bisexual side of me. Whenever I was single and just dating I had no problem with the fact that I was predominantly attracted to women and had mild attractions to men (we'll say 60/40)....but for some reason I am completely unable to find some kind of way to be completely comfortable and CONFIDENT in my sexuality when I am in a serious relationship and looking to be fully commited to a person.

Sounds like Kevin is going to have to make a choice and live with the consequences... whatever he chooses. I just wish there were more grey area in our society between "married" and "fucking around" for him to choose from. Oh wait, that's called "polyamory..."

[holybane]

Kevin, I'm sort of in the same boat. Me and my g/f (she's straight), want to get married and my bisexuality has strained our relationship greatly, I haven't really done anything, just like you, and therefore it's more intense bicuriousity. My g/f wants monogamy, and while I don't necessarily, I think it would be better. It is really difficult and I think your only real choices are to marry her and be content with what she gives you (which should be love and support) or break it off and indulge yourself, both have upsides and downsides and if you really love her, you'll suppress it if that's what she wants. Love is glorious and horrible at the same time, you are lucky my friend, but also cursed. I wish you luck.

Thanks,
Roger

[spartca]

I'm curious why more bi guys don't marry poly bi girls, so that they can all live happily ever after? Any ideas?

[NJpantyboy69]

Where does one find a poly or unpoly bi-woman? The few women who actually admit they are bi in these sites are probably inundated with more mail from men than they can ever read.

I so much desire to find a woman who is willing to admit she is bi, and accept the fact that I am also. We could have a great relationship with each other as well as select group of friends.

Admitting to women that you are bi, opens up Pandora's box of homophobia. I try to explain that I am not gay, I just like to have sex with both men and women, and don't get very far.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you,

[spartca]

You might be surprised at the number of women out there who are actually turned on by bisexual men - it's just not very politic to admit it.

I find that putting myself out there in a totally authentic, honest way brings these women into my life - and makes for some really interesting partnerships!

And what's hotter than an MFM threesome? Ask for what you want out of life and you just might get it... ;)

[CountryLover]

My husband and I are both bisexual. When I decided I was ready to remarry last summer, I specifically went looking for a bi man - and it was the best decision I could have made. We understand each others needs so well.

However, he is monogamous - and I am not. I already had an established relationship with a beloved girlfriend. It's made for some interesting adjustments because he hasn't put any requirements on me, yet I found I needed to give him the same level of committment he has given to me.

Here is how we cope with monogamy and bisexuality:

First of all, acknowledge you have same sex interests - even celebrate it. Share your enjoyment of that man who turned your head, use the memory later for private play times. Just being able to be OPEN and honest about your interests takes a lot of the strain off of you emotionally. Just because you're attracted and interested doesn't mean you have to ACT upon it.

I happen to love trucks, and I'm irresistably drawn to big pretty ones in the parking lot or on show room floors. That doesn't mean I BUY one - I simply admire it and then walk away.

Recognise that the urges will be there and make your decision on how to handle them before they hit. I'm addicted to chocolate, deep rich semi-sweet....*sigh* you get the idea!? However I might as well just slather the stuff on my hips and be done with it! Instead, I've developed coping mechanisms that prevent me from indulging when I shouldn't.

So, instead of beating yourself up for a perfectly natural (to a bisexual!) urge, recognise that it's going to happen and plan your coping methods in advance.

Perhaps gay porn will indulge your urges, without testing you too much. Perhaps bi/gay friends whom you can hang out with and be comfortable with will satisfy the need for same sex companionship (that's what my girlfriend and I have done).

Straight and gay folks deal have the same urges to deal with, attractions they don't want to act upon - it's actually very normal!

[Herbwoman39]

I couldn't agree with CountryLover more. She said it perfectly.

I've been married 8 years and out of a very deep denial for 2. Hubby and I drool over good looking women together and I use that desire in our lovemaking. For times when I want a woman, he'll tribate with me and do his best to be feminine.

Once you find your coping mechanisms, you'll find that monogamy (if that is your ultimate choice) isn't that difficult.

Here's a little story. I thought I *had* to date a woman so I went looking on BiCupid. I found a very sweet fellow bi-virgin and we started talking. The more we talked, the more scared I got. Then I realized that I am SO not ready for a girlfriend. Yet. One day I will be. And hubby and I have agreed that we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Talk to your girlfriend. Lay down ground rules now. Have a plan in advance. Whatever you do, keep talking. It will bring you closer in the end.

[buddyk]

I am new to the bisexual community. Been married 20+ years to a wonderful man - have 2 great kids - great sex life and discovered months ago my husbands attraction to men. From what I could tell - he's been acting on it (going to gay bars, had an affair with a single man, going to gay web sites etc) for about 2 - 3 years.

Thing is I'm not more attracted because of it... but I'm not less attracted either. I still love him. He's my best friend. And he was so embarassed by his attraction that he coudlnt even tell me - I had to figure it out. I thought he was having an affair with another woman!

We're working this out. Day to day. I have no desire for a threesome - for that matter neither does he. And we have no desire for divorce. Like I said we are truly best friends. We plan to grow old together.

So where am I going wtih this.... from where I'm sitting you're way ahead of me. You already know of your interest in both sexes and so does she. If you can find a way to work it out its a win.

I have read a lot on the subject over the last 2 months and the bottom line is you have to trust and respect one another. You have to talk openly about whatever is bothering either of you. And you need to decide what sort of rules you have up front (ie will you 'date' other men or are you only going to look from afar?) and you BOTH have to be comfortable with the rules.

Good luck.

[pecker]

figure out what you really want in life and go the direction that makes you happy.If you want to be bi then be that way.If the one your with doesn't agree.Maybe your with the wrong person. Or if you still want to be with her, maybe being bi is just a private notion that you will keep on the side to motivate your sexuality.What ever it is,remember your only going to live once.Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BlueMoon203]

I too am in a similar situation. I am in a committed relationship with a woman for almost five years. We have talked about marriage and currently live together. Over the past year I have started having feelings about other men and even had my first major crush on a man. My difference is that she doesn't know about these feelings yet.

I have searched for months on being bisexual without actually having had sexual encounters with other men. I agree with some of the other people who have replied in that you may need to supress some of these feelings, similar to straight people supressing feelings to be with other women. If you love this girl, that's it. That's all that matter.

[brodes]

Ok lets clarify some things, because there has been some great advice in previous replies, but to simplify things slightly:

Monogamy is an issue for all couples, whether you are straight, bisexual or gay you will always have urges and come in contact with others who you find attractive.

A few of you guys have limited same sex experience so it is also a "grass is greener" analogy.
Perhaps you need to experiment before you launch yourself into a meaningful relationship to satisfy your curiosity?
I myself wondered for years what it would be like to be with another guy. And I thought about it more cause I hadn't done it. So atleast you will have some peace if you try it.

Now, I dont wish to confuse you more but no one has even considered your girlfriend in this. What about her? Would you feel ok if she wanted to sleep with other men?
I'm willing to wage that you probably wouldn't be happy with this if you weren't involved.
All else aside, you have a relationship with someone you love and care about. PLEASE dont get caught in the trap of thinking marriage changes anything in a relationship. You are the same people, with the same desires, hopes and aspirations whether you wear a ring or not. It is a symbolic gesture of commitment that you wear. So are you willing to commit yourself to someone?

I am attracted to men and women equally, and have had wonderful and awful experiences with both. But it has taken years to accept who I am. Dont be defined by a title "bisexual". You have a name, and your own political motives, beliefs, interests. Just be you, and trust your instincts. If you love her, ask yourself what you can do to make her life the best life she can have and expect no less in return.

I wish you the best of luck, from what you've written you are trying to make this work with her. Find a compromise that you are both comfortable with, but dont ever let it be at the expense of either of your feelings.

Peace.

[jedinudist]

Kevin,

Hi, I've been married 6 years and my wife knew I was bi when we married. We have a child and are like any other married couple. She gave me free reign to mess around with guys once in a while, but honestly, the few times I did it, I realized I didn't like it, so I haven't exercised the option much. I do enjoy a lot of gay porn.

Everyone's different, but I would say, just commit yourself to her and it will work out. But you have to want the relationship badly enough to forego any serious involvement with others, male or female. The issues you will face will not be so different from a husband who married a skinny woman and still longs to get in bed with someone voluptuous.

The other thing I can say, just acting on a hunch, is that you need to abandon any idealistic notions of what marriages are. Lots of gay and bi activists like to talk about marriages between women and men who feel some attraction with men, as if they are doomed from the beginning; it's part of their agenda to say that such marriages can't work and therefore gay marriage is necessary to legalize. I support gay marriage but I think that such rhetoric is misleading, largely because it assumes that marriages have to be perfect to function in the first place. If you and your woman love each other and can bring one another happines in some form, that's as good as it gets. Everyone, gay and straight and bi and whatever, struggles with disagreements and goes through times when the sex isn't great. Relationships aren't perfect. Sometimes it's tempting to blame your bisexuality when things are weird, but remember, that in all likelihood your sexual orientation has very little to do with the usual reasons for couples to squabble.

J

AMEN (or insert the religous affirmation phrase of ur choice :) )

[happyjoe68]

My husband and I are both bisexual. When I decided I was ready to remarry last summer, I specifically went looking for a bi man - and it was the best decision I could have made. We understand each others needs so well.

However, he is monogamous - and I am not. I already had an established relationship with a beloved girlfriend. It's made for some interesting adjustments because he hasn't put any requirements on me, yet I found I needed to give him the same level of committment he has given to me.

Here is how we cope with monogamy and bisexuality:

First of all, acknowledge you have same sex interests - even celebrate it. Share your enjoyment of that man who turned your head, use the memory later for private play times. Just being able to be OPEN and honest about your interests takes a lot of the strain off of you emotionally. Just because you're attracted and interested doesn't mean you have to ACT upon it.

I happen to love trucks, and I'm irresistably drawn to big pretty ones in the parking lot or on show room floors. That doesn't mean I BUY one - I simply admire it and then walk away.

Recognise that the urges will be there and make your decision on how to handle them before they hit. I'm addicted to chocolate, deep rich semi-sweet....*sigh* you get the idea!? However I might as well just slather the stuff on my hips and be done with it! Instead, I've developed coping mechanisms that prevent me from indulging when I shouldn't.

So, instead of beating yourself up for a perfectly natural (to a bisexual!) urge, recognise that it's going to happen and plan your coping methods in advance.

Perhaps gay porn will indulge your urges, without testing you too much. Perhaps bi/gay friends whom you can hang out with and be comfortable with will satisfy the need for same sex companionship (that's what my girlfriend and I have done).

Straight and gay folks deal have the same urges to deal with, attractions they don't want to act upon - it's actually very normal!

Many true words said here.

[jedinudist]

The other thing I can say, just acting on a hunch, is that you need to abandon any idealistic notions of what marriages are. Lots of gay and bi activists like to talk about marriages between women and men who feel some attraction with men, as if they are doomed from the beginning; it's part of their agenda to say that such marriages can't work and therefore gay marriage is necessary to legalize. I support gay marriage but I think that such rhetoric is misleading, largely because it assumes that marriages have to be perfect to function in the first place. If you and your woman love each other and can bring one another happines in some form, that's as good as it gets. Everyone, gay and straight and bi and whatever, struggles with disagreements and goes through times when the sex isn't great. Relationships aren't perfect. Sometimes it's tempting to blame your bisexuality when things are weird, but remember, that in all likelihood your sexual orientation has very little to do with the usual reasons for couples to squabble.

J


I agree - I have heard some gays say that bisexuals can't succeed in marriages to heterosexual partners. Oddly enough, those same bigots don't have the same opinion should a bisexual commit to a homosexual partner.

Marriage is love, understanding, Love, acceptance, LOve, work, LOVe, more hard work, and LOVE

I do hope things work out well for you both :D

[diamond_tether]

Kevin,

Hi, I've been married 6 years and my wife knew I was bi when we married. We have a child and are like any other married couple. She gave me free reign to mess around with guys once in a while, but honestly, the few times I did it, I realized I didn't like it, so I haven't exercised the option much. I do enjoy a lot of gay porn...

...The other thing I can say, just acting on a hunch, is that you need to abandon any idealistic notions of what marriages are.


Honestly, that and the post made by CountryLover is some of the best advice you can probably go with.

My Lady and I got married knowing we were both bi and did not at all want mongamy. We walked into the marriage under those perceptions and they radically changed afterward. She found less and less desire to play outside of ourselves unless I was both present and involved, yet I maintained the same desire for outside/varied play as I'd always had. It's caused some strain here and there, but it was causing the most strain when I tried to ignore my outside desires and focus myself entirely on her. That just wasn't who or what I was and it caused stresses and strains in other places in our relationship. Your best option is to try and be as up front and honest with yourself and your feelings as you possibly can. As long as you are and your lady is willing to work with you then the most beneficial result will naturally work itself out. Eventually, anyway. ;)

[PolyLoveTriad]

Where does one find a poly or unpoly bi-woman? The few women who actually admit they are bi in these sites are probably inundated with more mail from men than they can ever read.

I so much desire to find a woman who is willing to admit she is bi, and accept the fact that I am also. We could have a great relationship with each other as well as select group of friends.

Admitting to women that you are bi, opens up Pandora's box of homophobia. I try to explain that I am not gay, I just like to have sex with both men and women, and don't get very far.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you,

ok time to go crazzzzy with this thread lol Im a poly bi woman. I could only hope pray and wish for my mailbox to be flooded with mail! lol I get crapola! lol I find it easier to tell other women Im bi than to tell men, nothing against guys, I love you too lol but a lot of guys think "bi-chick, Ill get 2 chicks in bed at once" lol Ive told most of my female friends Im bi, and I havent gotten any strange remarks, or been treated any differently than before I told them. Ive even had a lil something with one of them I didnt know was bi until I said something first. Either way it all works out in the end one way or another :)

[PolyLoveTriad]

You might be surprised at the number of women out there who are actually turned on by bisexual men - it's just not very politic to admit it.

I find that putting myself out there in a totally authentic, honest way brings these women into my life - and makes for some really interesting partnerships!

And what's hotter than an MFM threesome? Ask for what you want out of life and you just might get it... ;)

spartca u know I just love you to death lol

I AM a bi woman who is totally and completely turned on by my bi husband. Theres not much sexier than seeing him with another man. omg to hot to touch lol I admit it :)

[PolyLoveTriad]

I think there are a couple of issues here. Of course, Im not the expert at all. But it seems to me that one, you need to become comfortable with yourself, your sexuality and believe in your mind that even though you have some attraction to the same sex, you ARE NORMAL. Society puts too many labels on things. Yes, Im a bi-sexual. I am normal. Im married to a man. Ive had a love of my life, with a woman. Im equally gay as I am straight. I am not strange, well, I am but not cuz of my sexuality lol Youre no different than any other person in the world. Yet we are all unique individuals too. I believe you love her or you wouldnt be so concerned with whats been going on in your mind, in your heart.

I have to ask, the counselor that youre seeing, does this person deal with bi/gay issues a lot? Is this person bi/gay/lesbian? It might help to visit one who is or who does specialize in this sort of topic. Also it may help if your girlfriend goes along with you, maybe itll help her understand more too. It cant be easy on someone who is straight to understand how a bi person feels on the inside. I believe being bi-sexual is more than just sex, more than just emotional and its sometimes an extremely complicated thing.

Second, I have absolutely no idea what I was going to say second lol but Im sure it would have been good, forgive me Ive had a brain fart lol

Either way, if you love her, and she loves you, work on it. She needs to understand you for who you are, and love that about you. You need to accept yourself and love yourself as well. Not sure if this helped you any, but I wish you luck.

[Nara_lovely]

As with any relationship, commitment is a decision.
A commitment needs each to work on the relationship; discuss, grow, give, share...it all adds up with time. Words are words, but actions on a day-by-day basis is the reality in most of our lives, that back-up what is said.

So...simply put; yes Kevin...sounds like you have an excellent start in the communication area. You're working yourself out and sharing that with her before any actions take place. No matter what, I think you'll find a way to be content.

[Tickled*Pink]

Hi Kevin :)

I read your message and found it to be quite interesting. I believe that life is an inner journey that ultimately will lead you to your true self. Sexual orientation is but one aspect of your complete self. You said at one point that you wanted to prove to your girlfriend that you could be the person she hopes that you can be. Have you ever asked yourself who you TRULY are? :rolleyes: It takes time to find out who we are, what we want, and what we don't want in our lives. It is a true commitment to want to love and embrace every aspect of our unique individual expression. For me , it is the only solid commitment that always bears fruit. To know and respect ourselves is the greatest gift of all. If we all knew ourselves in depth, there would be no more confusion about what we feel is best for us. We would naturally gravitate towards like-minded people who would understand our choices, for they also have journeyed within to find themselves. For me personally, marriage is out of the question. I prefer to share my life with someone who wakes up beside me every morning, happy that they freely CHOSE to sleep next to me the night before. No papers, no commitments. ;) I hope that you will listen carefully to your own heart. If you feel unsure about your next step, don't take it until you feel that you will walk on solid ground. I wish you clarity in your choices, and patience along your personal path......... :) :) :)

[Fresia]

Bump it up!