i need some help

[james1715]

I have had girlfriends since i was in 6th grade and im playing that game in college now. I have been with my girlfriend for near 6 months now. Here is my dilemma. I have a paranoia problem (diagnosed professionaly) with certain things sometimes. Right now i am paranoid about being gay, and nothing i do will bring peace to my mind.

My doctor has said that if i was gay i would have acted on it by now and that i wouldnt be wondering about being gay because i would know i was. He has also brought up the number of girls ive had sex with over the years to express his opinion that i probably am not gay.

It is very embarassing and degrading to talk to my girlfriend about this but i have because i dont like keeping things from her. I have done this several times and it does feel better after doing it, im calm and relaxed and this is when we have had some good sex...(when im calm and relaxed).

At this moment, and i had a complete breakdown not long ago, i am pretty much debilitated and my phobia of being gay is probably up there as a leading cause of torment in my head. After leaving the doctor's office and talking about this i usually feel better like nothing is wrong for a while but before i go back a week later the concerns have usually returned.

Anyone can tell if someone is good looking or not, yet it is somewhat taboo for a guy to say another guy is good looking. If i walk in public places and look at any youngish guy it is uncomfortable. I dont know whether to look this person in the eye (like i would a girl), to ignore, to look away, to glare at, etc. Granted sometimes none of this bothers me at all, but it is prevalent enough to need addressing. What is the difference between being attracted to a girl and being attracted to a guy...could someone elaborate here?

I dont seek to hang out with my guy friends anymore, for whatever reason its just easier not to. Males tend to be threats to me...i guess i assume they are enemies.

Sometimes i think of things i have done in the past and i try to figure out if it was a gay thing or not and this always leads me into some dark state of mind where i get angry and close everyone out. For instance: i once had an arrangement with my best friend (when i was 13ish) that he would call me when he got to his house because there was a bad snow storm. He didnt call so i walked over to his house to see if he got there, which was 2 or 300 yards away.....Now reflecting on this now signals to me that this was some kind of gay love. So my mind cany verify this or make sense of it so i frantically look for other indicators of heterosexual behavior or homosexual behavior. Believe that this is terrible to go through.

Right now i am getting help once a week. I think something inside me does not accept me as being gay. Like something is saying no thats not you, thats not who you are, and ultimately " there is something wrong with that. "

I have sex with my girlfriend from 2 to 8+ times a week, and would love to hump some of her friends/some of my high school sweeties. But thinking back to some of my good guy friends seriously freaks me out. i will sit there and pick through my past experiences and ask myself "does that mean im gay", What does that thought/feeling mean, what if's. im losin' it.... :bigrin:

[Long Duck Dong]

omg... you posted in bisexual.com... you could be gay.... or straight... or bisexual... or undecided...

what I am hearing is you saying you don't wanna be part of the gay scene... or involved in areas of gayness or have a gay aspect to yourself... so mate.... take up a residence on the moon... last i heard, its not gay friendly.... and yeah its not human friendly either lol... but there is no escaping the aspects of gayness in the world... but you need to realize the aspects of gayness are found in straights, gays, les, bi, trans, hermaphrodites, animals and nature

ok... you are NOT the anti gay / gay bashing type... cos if you were, you wouldn't have used a gay friendly site to ask for help... specially from people that are gay friendly and possibly gay

right... shoot ya doctor in the head for a start..... he is a idiot.... sexuality is not defined by sexual activity..... if it was, then celibate people would be NOsexuals

sexual attraction is the defining factor in defining sexuality....you can eye up vin diesel, george clooney, val kilmer etc and find aspects of them that you like, or admire... and still be heterosexual.....hell gay guys eye up girls that they find pleasing to the eye, and they are still gay.....

so in all seriousness....if i was to ask you about your gay phobia.... i would ask the following

1 ) do you find yourself drawn to aspects of gayness or gay sexuality
( by gayness, I mean things like feminine acting guys )

2 ) do you have recurring dreams, fantasies or urges to couple with a male

3 ) if your sexual life emotional / mentally fulfilling....this simply means, do you enjoy sex fully, regardless on the number of times you have sex or how many partners you have had

4 ) if your concern about gayness, leaning more towards a fear of seeing yourself as gay, or having others see you as gay

5 ) are you able to sit in the same room as a gay person, and talk freely and openly in the same manner as a straight person.... and more importantly, could you do it without knowing the persons sexuality

6 ) do you choose people to associate with, based on their views of gayness...or do you choose them as they don't place you in situations that you find to be gay orientated

answer them if you wish...lol

now in regards to following your friend home at 13, cos of a snowstorm...if thats gay behievour....the whole world is in serious trouble... cos that means a simple show of concern, caring and friendship is a show of gayness
your friend failed to call and you got worried... that shows a great deal of close friendship and caring about a close friend.... thats got nothing to do with gayness

[Lorcan]

what i hear from you is that being gay is bad. If you could convince yourself that being gay was not bad, then you would have no problem.

Being gay is not bad.

If you like having sex with girls, then you are either straight or bi.

[bigregory]

Hello

So your Bi or at worst Gay.
Enjoy.

[james1715]

ill answer for fun:

1. not particularly
2. i wouldnt call it anything persistent. it seems taboo and that kind of turns me on sometimes. i find myself liking lesbian porn more though
3. this is kind of a loaded question for me, there are times when it is completely fulfilling emotionally and physically and times when i just f*** her. The best times are when we are both emotional. i dont know if i can be emotionally fulfilled right now though, ive got other issues to deal with.
4. both
5. well if i didnt know their sexuality how would i know if i was talking to a gay person or not? But i went into a local student glbt center and i talked to a lesbian and a bisexual guy. Being open about my concerns with them actually had the effect of making me feel somewhat distanced from the things they were dealing with, but at home with a safe place to talk about it. i admired their freedom in being able to kind of go with it.
6. peoples sexuality doesnt concern me except in making me unsure of myself, so no i dont spread hatred on that life or surround myself with those people who do. when i find one i usually call them out for being ignorant.


you said:
sexual attraction is the defining factor in defining sexuality....you can eye up vin diesel, george clooney, val kilmer etc and find aspects of them that you like, or admire... and still be heterosexual.....hell gay guys eye up girls that they find pleasing to the eye, and they are still gay.....

what does this mean? ^

For instance when i see girls who are good looking i will usually size them up pretty quick and imagine what they look like in lingerie/nude...if its someone i know better i tend to fantasize about sex with them. when i see a guy who is good looking sometimes i can say oh look there is a good looking guy and forget about it 2 seconds later. but other times its like i have a small panic attack because i dont know what to do. i feel inferior because i dont know who i am or how i am supposed to act. I probably sound like an idiot, oh well.

btw, i am in no way trying to show disrespect to any gender or sexual preference. :cool:

i dont understand how anyone can know their preference, like KNOW.

[DiamondDog]

i dont understand how anyone can know their preference, like KNOW.

You seem to be over-anaylizing this a bit too much, and trying too hard.

If you're heterosexual you fall in love and are sexually attracted to members of the opposite gender ONLY.

If you're homosexual you're attracted to members of the same gender only for sex and romance.

And if you're bi (like most of us are here) you like both genders.

These labels aren't written in stone but let's just try to keep things simple here.

Lots of people know their orientation when they're a teenager/young adult or some people have known for most of their lives. Some people it takes some time/experience, people don't know for awhile, and there's nothing wrong with this.

For example, in my case, I've been attracted to both genders and I can look back over life and think about how even before I had sex with anyone how it was like this. When I was 8 or 9 I wanted to marry my best female friend because I thought that that's what men did/had to do (I now know otherwise), but I was also very into my best male friend and used to hold hands with him and I was so infatuated that even my mom and other adults saw this in me.

At 16 or 17 I knew I liked women sexually but I also knew that I liked men sexually too. I'd get sexually aroused to women in school that were my "type", and the guys/male teachers too that were my "type".

When I had sex with a woman I thought, well this is nice but I still want to do it with a guy. When I finally had sex as an adult with a guy (I'd done experimental sexual things with both genders as a kid/teenager) I realized that I'm bisexual. I took the bisexual man I'd met that evening back to the bar and kissed him and felt happy, and it felt like the world's biggest weight had been lifted off of my body/mind.

I have sex dreams about both and fantasies about both and I'm emotionally attracted to both genders; but even I can kind of tell that I lean a bit towards men. Today I woke up from having a dream about having sex with a woman, and the night before I had a dream about plowing a male friend of mine.

I want men and women both seperate or at the same time; but I haven't done that yet but I hope I get to in the future. Things can be very fluid and I'll think that I'm either het or gay but I know that I'm neither. Or sometimes I won't want sex at all and I'll get into an asexual state and this may be happening now. I've had sex with men and thought about women and had sex with women and thought about men (none of this was on purpose it sometimes just comes out of left field) and neither is a big deal as this happens to lots of bisexuals, as a friend and I have talked about.

As far as porn goes I like a wide variety of it. From bondage/SM, gay porn, male jack off porn, het porn (where both people are hot and don't look like tweaked out porn stars with "perfect" bodies), bi porn (from what I've seen of it in pics), erotic fiction written by gay men, FTM (female transgender male) porn (like the handsome Buck Angel), and gay porn where the focus is on oral sex and not anal sex.

I'm not into lesbian porn mainly because I can't really relate to it. I'm not a woman and I don't have a clitoris, I don't know what it feels like for a woman, and most of it is made by heterosexual men. Besides, there's not a real penis or a man in it.

A bisexual man I email told me this is how he'd describe his sexuality (his quotes):

"Being a bi-sexual man is no simple task. Some days I feel more "straight" than other days and same days I feel more "gay." Some days I feel like I'm right in the middle. I feel "straight" and "gay" guys have it more easy than "bi-sexual" guys because there feelings do not change. I also feel guys like us get the bad rap because people just say we are confused. I guess we are to some degree. I do know one thing for sure. When I've been exclusive with a woman, I feel like I am missing something. When I've been exclusive to a guy, I feel like I am missing something. So how is this problem resolved?"

My advice to you James1715: why not take comfort in the unknown? I did this for years and even though I'm bisexual I still look for new experiences and enjoy life.

I think you should try having sex with a guy and see how YOU personally enjoy it. This may put to rest any questions that you have, and you might learn something about yourself.

It can be as simple as doing mutual masturbation and making out with a guy.

Lots of gay/bi men (including myself) enjoy doing these for sex acts with other men and it's pretty much gaurenteed safer sex (nothing's 100% safe but as far as sex acts go kissing, body contact, and mutual masturbation are some of the safest things you can do).

[Long Duck Dong]

lol ok james lol

you are curious about this part of my previous post


[sexual attraction is the defining factor in defining sexuality....you can eye up vin diesel, george clooney, val kilmer etc and find aspects of them that you like, or admire... and still be heterosexual.....hell gay guys eye up girls that they find pleasing to the eye, and they are still gay.....

what does this mean? ^]

you can be hetero and still see the good or eye catching qualities of the same or opposite sex..without becoming gay or bi lol
I find vin diesel a good actor... george clooney is handsome, well built and have a slightly rough side to his looks at times...val kilmer looked good in top gun......now i can look at them and see the qualities like that and say, mmm thats nice... and still be hetero....

there is a difference between, sexual attraction, sexual desire and sexual fantasy

sexual attraction refers to the desire to be connected sexually with somebody....and in most cases, the sexual attraction will be towards either the male or the female sex...and since you are male, attracted to sex and sexual contact with females, we would class you as hetero... if you were sexually attracted to males and wanted to be with males, we would class you as gay.... if you were attracted to both sexes and wanted to be with both sexes, we would class you as bi
in simple terms a person classes themselves by the sex they prefer to form relationships with.. hence
a gays sexual attraction is guys
a les sexual attraction is ladies
a bi's sexual attraction can be both...and thats where people get it so wrong.......bisexuals are attracted to both sexes, but it doesn't mean they sleep with both sexes... it only means they are attracted to them..... its possible to be bisexual and a virgin


sexual desire is a more acute form of sexual attraction....simply,..you are attracted to females... now sexual desire plays the part of what females you wish to have sex with....its like a fuck radar / filter.... in a room of 100 females... you pick out the ones that you find attractive, desirable and wish to get more intimate with... and you may have 20 females out of the 100...lol

sexual fantasy is the hidden aspect... and the most fun.... this allows you to imagine a lady or guy, semi nude / nude / in ya bed... its like having people in a intimate setting with you, even if they are strangers on the street......and oh course, during masturbation, they can do anything that you fantasize about... best thing its personal and private.... grins

[tommyswing]

Someone on the thread asked what would be so awful about being bi. I think that’s the core question. I remember that feeling of panic you express, I had that many years ago, it was a very difficult time the discomfort was constant. Looking back I can see all that anxiety was unnecessary, if I had only disputed the irrational; beliefs I had. I have also seen people with homosexual panic that where not gay or bi.

[james1715]

Someone on the thread asked what would be so awful about being bi. I think that’s the core question. I remember that feeling of panic you express, I had that many years ago, it was a very difficult time the discomfort was constant. Looking back I can see all that anxiety was unnecessary, if I had only disputed the irrational; beliefs I had. I have also seen people with homosexual panic that where not gay or bi.

what do you mean by irrational?

Well im happy with my girlfriend, i just dont like that i have this thing i cant explain. Maybe i will find a good way to do so. We were just talking about sexual fantasies and i asked her if she was into girls and she said she was curious and i said the same about guys. i definately am curious, i think it would be fun. i just dont like the severe distress and depression and all that surrounds the unknown of this.

how do you go about experimenting anyway? i probably wouldnt be into intercourse but i might mess with something less than that if i knew the avenue.

[MrFahrenheit]

As been stated above, I think you are over-analyzing it. If you like men and women, you're bi. :tongue:

I'm sure you know best what you want to do. Do you want to be with a man... or not? That's really what determines whether you are bi or not. If not, you're straight. If so, you are bi.

Good luck. :)

[CountryLover]

I'm in the middle of reading a wonderful novel "Hot Target" by Catherine Coulter.

It's about denial, about being so afraid to recognise one's basic nature, that you run the other direction.

Read it.

The worst gay/bi bashers I've ever met/dealt with all had deep denial issues....something to think about. :three:

[swag85]

I'm in the middle of reading a wonderful novel "Hot Target" by Catherine Coulter.

It's about denial, about being so afraid to recognise one's basic nature, that you run the other direction.

Read it.

The worst gay/bi bashers I've ever met/dealt with all had deep denial issues....something to think about. :three:

i agree.
My two cents, is if you trully want to be with a man, dont stress, and jump into it just because you THINK thats what you want. experamenting along with your girlfriend is a good idea in my view. like people have said dont over analize, dont do something unless you know you want to, and dont be afraid to say no if you find out its not what you want. just go with your heart man. in my life my heart has never steered me wrong.
AND there is nothing wrong with bein bi/gay/straight. i love bein bi, but for me i never really had any bad thoughts, or scared feelings about it. it was just kinda always there. so it was easy for me to accept me as bi. really i wouldnt change a thing. after you answer your own questions it will get easier. but some of your questions we cant answer you have to. dont stress it. it will come!
Good luck on your journey of discovery
:bipride: :bipride: :bipride: :bipride: :bipride: :bipride: :bipride: :bipride:

[james1715]

well me and my gf were talking last night again in depth about all this and we were talking about relationships with same sex. she said she was curious about girls sexually but would not persue it actively unless i was interested in watching her and another girl (which i am :cool: ). But then i asked myself if i was interested in a relationship with a guy. Strangely i couldnt really come up with a mental image or anything, it was kind of like a void, i really cant picture or imagine that.

i have a tendency to attack things that are bothering me until they go away. in the instance of sexuality this has brought me troubles. its hard to bring an issue to front and blow it out of the water with analysis when i dont understand it.

swag: its hard to come up with answers because i grew up with over analysis and hesitation in things. this past day i was very very happy because i basically adopted the mindset of yes maybe you have some inexplicable sexual side of you which may have something to do with guys and from that point i was calm. i just said that yeah other people feel the same way, your own gf does at least, and this does not mean that i have to lose her or not be able to have sex with her or other girls anymore.

countrylover: i dont understand what you are saying, that i am in denial and running someplace?

[tommyswing]

Irrational I was referring to the thought process that creates a lot of anxiety. An example of it could be 'I may be bi how awful', that thought will create a feeling of anxiety and panic. It's been pretty much proven thoughts cause feelings. You could ask your therapist if a cognitive approach would help you decrease your distress. Hopefully he is familiar with this form of therapy

[holybane]

... grrr...