Curiously Bisexual

[m31uk]

I find that there are many vague lines drawn in the sand about sexuality, straight, gay, bisexual, curious, etc. Maybe I'm finding it hard to put a label to myself, but I think I'm 'bisexual'.

The problem is, when you find yourself in yet another heterosexual relationship, you find that one minute you are happy with being 'normal', next minute you feel very lonely and start fantasising about being with another man.

This cannot be healthy, especially when my girlfriend is completely unaware of how I feel.

So, what's the realistic options?

Tell her - Ok, let's think about this, she has been loyal and loving and caring for years, I don't think it's going to be easy trying to weave this topic into a conversation.

Experiment behind her back - Now this I keep coming back to, it has risks associated, but seems less risky to 'experiment' and then maybe never having to worry her about it. The problem is, will I enjoy it too much... it's not the safest of ways to experiment, especially with sexual diseases etc.

Stay loyal - Yes, this is ideal, but for who? I'm 31, and feel very lonely at times. There are weeks where I want to marry my girlfriend, then the odd week where I'd rather spend time with another man... So, 25% of the time I won't be happy, or is that really much higher and I'm trying to convince myself I would cope?!

Ok, that's a few options... I feel I also need to point out that I'm the sort of person that likes to keep myself to myself; I don't want other people to know that I'm curiuous, bisexual, gay, straight, or whatever. So, one of my fears would be speaking to her, then finding out that I scare her, maybe she tells all our friends, next minute I'm looked at differently, avoided, rejected - or maybe find out who my friends really are.

What a dilema! How on earth am I meant to cope with all this stress?! How have any of your dealt with this?

Perhaps I should have bitten the bullet when I was say 16, then by now I could be myself - comfortable with my sexuality, I may have gone full circle by now, rather than surfing websites to get my next fix.

During the years, I realised that I have a lot of friends.. many many friends. But sadly, I don't have a 'good friend', someone that I can talk to about my secrets, that's something I would really like. Perhaps what I need, is to find someone else, in the UK like me, someone that's curious, someone that needs to talk and maybe experiment with - without strings, without committment.

I really don't want this to read as an advert 'please shag me', that's not what I'm after, I would like to correspond with someone, male preferably, to compare feelings, frustrations and friendship.

This site looks new, I'm hoping that because it's early days that I might attract a curious guy like me, to have regular chats.

I don't mind speaking to anyone, but I always find I'm looking for someone in the UK, age 18-35. Let's talk :tongue:

[softfruit]

It depends how easily you can get away for the evening and such, but (looking at your profile) have you considered the local-ish bi social group in Brighton? As well as the strong chance of meeting other bi and bi-curious men of about the right age (I mean, if you can't find them at a bi group...!) there would also be other people there who have been in a similar situation to yourself who you can chew the possibilities over with face-to-face.

There's a link to their site on the front page of BCN's website (http://www.bicommunitynews.co.uk) and I think they meet every Friday in a local bar, but being from the other end of the country I'm not totally sure!

[m31uk]

Thank you for taking time to read my long post! And thanks for the information about that site. Unfortunately I'm not one to meet on mass, it kind of advertises something that I'm not comfortable being, bisexual or gay (certainly not yet).

I'm kind of looking for a discreet friendship, emails, phone calls, with potentially a meeting in the future - but not necessarily for anything sexual - but to gain a friend that I can share secrets with.

I don't know whether joining or socialising with a group will give me that, something I'm hoping these forums might?

[james88uk]

Hi m31uk,

james88uk here (james), I'm 31 too and have read your message.

I hope life isn't stressing you out too much. I hope that if I share my situation with you, you may find it interesting. SInce I was a very young teenager I felt sexually attracted to the same sex and I guess in all honesty, as I had girlfriends at the time I really did want to find out what being with a man would be like. In my University days I had many male friends who were 'in touch' with themselves fairly deeply and I would occasionally cuddle up with them (this was not sexual - it was during the days that I was experimenting with drugs (ecstasy) and I would generally end up curled up with a male friend at the end of the night). I felt inside that I was bisexual but didn't know what that meant for me. During pretty much all this period of my life I was with a girlffriend, who I am still with today. During my early twenties the urge to have some kond of close contact (with sex not being out of the question) became so strong that I began to believe I was gay). Being with my girlfirend was depressing me, and I was subsonciously pushing her away. This lead me to 'come out' as gay as identifying myself as bisexual (although my friends accepted me as this) wasn't helping me be free to find a male friend and experiment with my feelings. My gay stage in life was mid-twenties and although my girlfriend stood by me for a period of time, things went pear shaped. I had had a few very short term relationships with gay men and all were very similar experiences. All seemed to practically want to spend the rest of their lives with me (which did my head in as I didn't feel that me commiting to that was in my heart what was right), and in my heart I already had a lover (my girlfriend) and being with these guys almost felt like I was deceiving them (perhaps I was).. although they all knew I had a girlfriend. Time went on, I carried on 'trying' to be gay and then my girlfriend ended up in bed with another guy (what did I expect?).. this in all honesty totally broke my heart. Something which has taken years to heal and is still healing. I'm now 31 and my feelings of not being straight have never gone and I have recently felt that for me to be totally happy, I have to accept now that I am bisexual. My girlfriend accepts this and now I am finding out what this means to me. What I certainly know is that it is NOT about me pretending that because I am bisexual I can just live my life out as a straight man because for some reason, a reason I cannot explain - I NEED to be able to express myself with men. I NEED to be able to have a special male partner that should at some point we wish to sleep (sex or whatever) together, that this is OK. That I don't need to feel giulty about this. I have explained to my girlfriend that if I had such a male friend, to me, it is not about running away from her and leaving her, it is about me growing. It is about me BEING the person she fell in love with. If I cannot express being ME - I simply go mad!

Fully embracing bisexuality for me now is an adventure. It's a path that I have to be strong enough to walk along without turning back as I know that how I have been living has depressed me. I have to be string enough not to be pulled into the whole 'gay' thing which, having been there myself, seems to be massively repressed. I have to do this even at the possible rick of losing my girlfriend, as I have to be me. After discussing all this with her, interestingly, she has been toying with the idea that she may also be bi. I'm sure you agree, it is easier for women to be bi than men in our society. What football loving STRAIGHT man wouldn't like to see two women in bed (a sentiment that I just don't get - nor, I am proud to say do I remotely get anything out of football!). Women can even hold hands walking down the street - and people generally don't bat an eyelid. This is not true for men.

So here I am, just joined bisexual.com and have no idea what to do next?! If I were gay - I guess it would be off to the clubs for sex?, but I'm not, I need more that. Yes I really enjoy sex with men (not just any men though!! - I'm not a tart.) In an ideal world now, I would find a male friend who I can be close with (whatever that means) - and simply be open with. I don't want a 3rd person in our bed, nor does my girlfriend. I have all the female interaction that I need with her, but I am looking for a male friend. Someone who is sincere and honest and curious/bisexual (or whatever he is comfortable with).

Its unfortunate that we live in a society where labels seem so important. To label yourself is a very powerful thing. There wasn't a single maen who I went out with when I was 'gay' sho hadn't slept with a women, nor was there a single man who wouldn't have potentially slept with a women in the future. Media tells me I'm not 'gay' - because, although I look after my body, I am not obsessed with it. I don't need a 6-pack to be a member of the a club. Being 'gay' is a self imposed label that is very restrictive indeed, it is however a very safe place as more people openly identify as 'gay' than bisexual (at least in my exoerience so far). I have met very few openly bisexual people but from those I have, the men seem to be deeper somehow, and more free. Perhaps becuase there is no 'way of being' if you see yourself as bisexual. Although I say I am bisexual - I am simply open, open to the love and touch of men and women. I have fought through depressing, verging nervous breakdowns to get here. I feel very strong to be me. I feel being bisexual is a state of natural balance, wanting to freely express yourself as you wish to the same sex to me is a beautiful thing.

I look forward to hearing from you. Please don't get depressed about your feelings- there is no need. The reason why I can say this is that up to recently I also have felt very depressed inside (although I am very good at hiding my feelings even from myself and just 'get on with life' only to find, like you, I have gone full circle - I cannot hide from me any more). The reason why I was depressed is that I felt like I was the only one who felt this way. It was only days ago that I went to a meeting in Manchester that gives support for bisexuals - this was a big thing for me to do - there I met other male and female bisexuals (unfortunately I would have liked to have spent more time talking to people about how they feel so that I could learn from them but it didn't turn out that way). In all honesty, I feel really good right now because your message has resonated with me and I hope yuo get back in touch because I feel we are in similar places right now - .... few... I'm not going mad.

Who are you? If you think about it there is a big grey scale sliding from GAY through to STRAIGHT. on this line are ALL the people in the world. To be totally GAY you would have to be standing on the VERY TIP if the line. If you stood just off that line, you would be a little bit bisexual, and a tiny bit straight. The 'gay' community 'appears' to be millions of people all stacked up on the very end - all 'being' what they identify as being gay. This is not possible, even people that are gay (apart from perhaps 1 in the World is totally gay) - all the others are, even just a tiny bit - bisexual. You are being strong enough to face the fact that you are somewhere not defined by society. As am I. For me its a weird place, but a magical one. How will this work in my life? - I don't know. What does this mean for me? - I don't know, but one thing I do know. I am on a path away from depressing myself, away from pushing my girlfiend away because 'I think' she is stopping me being me by imposing a 'straight' lifestyle on me... I am becoming ME!

I hope I haven't 'ranted' to you. This is the first time for me that I have been able to express how I feel about me sexually, and although I am typing this into a faceless computer - I know this will mean something, as I'm there too.

I will be happy to talk to you more if you wish. Be easy on yourself - we're all in the same boat.

Best Wishes
James
:)

[james88uk]

... ps - I will be posting some photos of myself soon on my profile so you can put a face to the text - my girlfriend has been promising to take them for me but hasn't yet (shear lazyness!) :)

[james88uk]

m31uk,

I have had another close read of your posting and post my ten pence in direct answer to your points in the hope that it helps things. I have quoted your original posting with my thoughts...

"Maybe I'm finding it hard to put a label to myself, but I think I'm 'bisexual'..."

* I feel that society pressures people into being 'something' or 'something-else'. People feel uncomfortable with not knowing what they dealing with. An enormous amount of stress can be caused by people feeling they have to label themselves, and often these labels limit the potential of what you can be within that label, or how you are allowed to express yourself. To me I call myself bisexual, simply because I am not gay (which to me means I do not find women at all sexually attractive - which as mentioned prevoualy actually means many 'gay' men are actually 'bi' ; also I have tried to be gay for a number of years, and it didn't feel right). I would just as easily call myself an open human being in touch with all aspects of myself, which includes being as affection to men (on whatever level) as I am able to with women. Personally I feel am entering a state of 'being'.

"Tell her - Ok, let's think about this..."

* I personally feel that honesty is the ONLY option. And for me that honesty has to be for myself to - I have to be honest with MY SELF. If I had not been honest with myself, then I could still be believing I was gay - something which can be very enfornced by others if you are within the gay scene - furthermore, the gay scene seems to perpetuate with by sometimes considering bisexuals/open minded people as 'sitting on the fence'. I find this strange as quite a few 'gay' people I have known have and DO sleep with women occasionally. My girlfriend like yours has been loyal and honest, our situation is slightly different as I once thought I was gay and she STILL stood by me (love is very powerful stuff!) - this did all end with my heart being broken admittedly when she slept with someone but I understand why. As far as she was concerned, I was going to run off with another man... I guess at the time I thought that too. Now that I am coming to terms with being bi, she knows it's not about me leaving her, it's about me growing. Humans don't grow sitting in front of the TV, they grow by real life experience, and part of me NEEDS this, and my girlfriend is beggining to understand. It's very easy to make a massive deal out of this in your head but really its not. Let's say your girlfriend had a girlfriend (platonic girl-friend around to watch a video), I would imagine you would think nothing of it if they cuddled under a duvee whilst enjoying a bottle of wine. Women have always been very much in touch with there feelings (so have men) but I feel society has repressed male feelings for one another - or moreso, repressed freely expressing those feelings. It would probably be a different kettle of fish if for example I came around to your house and WE cuddled under a duvee - there seems to be great imbalances here in the world. I think the only thing to do is talk to her about your feelings. There is in fact NO other option. If she loves you, she will understand - remember, she feel in love with you in the first place for WHO you are. Although you may have been hiding these feelings from her, LOVE is energy, and she has already felt these things within you. As a guess you're not a matcho 'got to prove to the world how great you are' kind of guy. Your sensitive, and kind. With my grilfriend, I have pushed her away subconsciously in the past, because I felt she was cornering me into a straight-happy families kind of situation. During this period of our lives we were practically friends living under the same roof. Now that I have told her that my bisexuality is so important to me - she understands - and incidently looks more attractive to me than ever before. She LOVES ME for who I am!

"Experiment behind her back -..."

*Personally I think this is a no no. As you say this opens up a whole world of dangers. If in the future I find a friend who I have full-on sex with, then I will then have an HIV test etc. (unless I have known this person for a long time and a very honest relationship develops where all these things are out on teh table). I don't feel that going behind her back is a good idea at all, a really bad idea. All that will happen is that you will have a great time (or not) and feel incredibly guilty. This will then build up into a serious relationship problem. You are probably already feeling guilty about your feelings for other men (which incidently you shouldn't be as I feel this is natural - you're simply chosing not to repress your feelings) but its nothing compared to how crappy you will feel if you go behind her back. Perhaps I'm being a bit polite - Mmmm, DON'T DO IT! :-)

"Stay loyal - Yes, this is ideal, but for who? I'm 31, and feel very lonely at times...."

*I too have felt VERY lonely at times, in fact one of the reasons why I am getting carried away writing to you is that up to a week ago I didn't know there were people who felt the same way as me! - I am feeling far less lonely having read your post on this forum which I'm pleased you did. When you say 'stay loyal' I assume you mean forget about your feelings for men and try and live out your life as a 'straight' man. The bad news is this wont work. You probably feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now but trust me, from experience (years of trying to suppress how I feel about the same sex) - this will not go away. You have to ask yourself, from your heart, what do I need to do. And then you need to do this as honestly as possible. You owe it to your girlfriend to DO NOTHING behind her back. My girlfriend will read these posts later, I want her to, she needs to understand me in totallity - I cannot live my life hiing who I am from her, I reakon she's interested in getting to know me better - ther person she originally fell in love with! What is 'saying loyal' anyway - I guess society means sticking with one partner, seeing no-one else as sexual (whatever sex) - but let's face it - who is. There are tens of thousands of straight married men 'shagging' their secreteries behind there wife's backs (1 in 3 marriages as I'm sure you know fail) - this is not always because of WHAT they're doing, it's HOW they doing it - whic is dishonestly. Swinging (for those who are into it) is a much better approach - it's doing the same this but without the dishonesty.

"I feel I also need to point out that I'm the sort of person that ..."

*In being honest with yuorself, you DO find out who your friends really are, more to the point, you find your friends. There is not a single friend in my life who does not except me as whatever I am (open/bi), the reason being is that I have always done my best to be open and honest about myself, even when meeting new friend. The bonus of telling people about yourself the moment you meet a new potential friend is that if they can't deal with it, you don't see them again - they are not your friend. YOU are the most important person. If YOU are honest with yourself then you will attract people into your life who feel the same way -or at least are willing to accept you as you are. What happens when you tell your girlfriend is up to the gods - if you tell her from your heart how you're feeling, I feel she will love you for that - who knows - she may be having the same feelings about women and be afraid to tell you? Another point is, people generally do live in a very repressed fashion. Years ago when I thought I was gay, and came out as such (after years of depression over it - I don't say that lightly) many of my friends suddely became closer. A few that I can think of, before they new about my sexuality, to all intents and purposed behaved like straight football loving men. When after years I plucked the courage to 'come out', they suddenly changed. In fact one male friend wanted to curl up and sleep with me, I recall falling to sleep with anotehr 'straight' friend who had a hard-on pushing into my leg all night! It's as though by me having to strength to kind of say 'fuck it - I cant hack this anymore - I'm going uot of my mine - listen all I am gay' my friends suddenly dropped the bullshit they had been upholding and felt comfortable to be themselves to. Now that I cam coming to terms with being bi, magic has happening again :-)

"What a dilema! How on earth am I meant to cope with all this stress?! How have any of your dealt with this?...."

I, and I assume many others on this site are dealing with it by not repressing it, by not pretending that feelings for the same sex aren't important - as they are. I personally am learning what this means by writing to you (you bloody well better get back in touch as my hands are hurting with this essay LOL!!!). For me, this is not something to be 'dealt with'. Life is a journey - don't repress your feelings, be completely honest with yourself and your girlfriend - and see what happens next. You cannot go wrong if you are open and honest, the is not real choice to do anything other than this.

"Perhaps I should have bitten the bullet when I was say 16, then by now I could be myself - comfortable with my sexuality, I may have gone full circle by now..."

*I wouldn't waste any energy thinking like that. I don't think life is as simple as that, I don't believe anything that you could have done when you were 16 would make a damn bit of difference to where you are now. Yep, I could have got totally into the gay scene, got fucked senseless everynight, potentially got HIV, could have done this, or that, or the other but I'm here now - still on my journey - and so are you. It's embracing the journey that's important and BEING HONEST WITH YOURSELF and those around you. You are not the only person who is trying to be comfortable with your sexuality ;-) - I can honestly say that most of ALL of my problems in my life have stemmed from my sexuality - I have in teh past wished that I was straight - and also wished that I was gay! - but I am now realising that being bi/curious or whatever you want to call it IS A GIFT. At the moment it may seem like a curse but trust me it's not. It is in fact a VERY natural state of BEING.

"During the years, I realised that I have a lot of friends.. many many friends. But sadly, I don't have a 'good friend'......

I may be that person?

Please don't spend too much energy tearing yourself to bits - I have in the past and its a total waste. Be easy and honest with yourself and those around you. Look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes
James

PS sorry about any typos in this message - it was a stream of consciousness. This has all come from the heart as I know your message has too. I find with the internet there's a lot of dishonesty and crap, thanks for being honest. :tongue:

[m31uk]

Hi James, Can I first thank you for your awesome replies to my original post. I've been on many websites or chats and never felt like I've been understood in the past!

Your points all seem very valid, very true and very spot-on.

My mind is currently spinning trying to remember all the excellent points you made, but if I could summarise by saying that I smiled more than once, as a reaction to being able to speak to someone else (through the keyboard admittedly) about my curiousities.

I've been on holiday for a while, so I haven't seen your replies. Whilst away, I really enjoyed being with my girlfriend, but still found I was looking at other guys, thinking 'cor.. he's cute', guilt set in more than once!

Your lucky that you have started your journey, I'm not sure that I can speak to my girlfriend about these feelings - not yet... I'm not totally comfortable speaking to people about how I feel. I'm honest, so if she ever asks, I will tell her the truth, but it's how to bring this up into conversation thats the hardest.

We want to get married, so it's something I should / want to bring up in advance... but timing would be a proplem if I presented the ring and said "Will you marry me, oh and by the way..." ;-)

I have sometimes wondered whether she's bi too. Not that she comes over that way, but because I drift in & out of bi-sexualness (not sure if I'm making up new words here!) and if I drift, maybe she does too.

I've spoken to an ex-girlfriend of mine in the past that has reacted badly to my feelings - I think that's my biggest stumbling block. It's made me have problems about what I feel - because it upset someone I cared for. I've been unlucky - I realise that, but once bitten...

I feel that this forum of chatting to you is probably a little too 'public' for my liking, so I'd like to propose that we find another medium to chat? MSN messenger would be great - but I would need to setup an account first (can't use my real email address - usual trust issues initially!).

Anyway, I'm getting away from my original intention in this email. You sound like you want to find a male friend - that's cool with me, it's exactly what I'm after - finding a new good mate (best mate). If it means spending months, or even years typing emails before we meet - it just means we will have more to talk about when we do! (if we do - no pressure! lol).

There seems to be many commonalities between us, like our age, our current position, maybe more. Perhaps you would like to share your approximate location in the UK? I don't mind a long distance pen-pal.

I'm very pleased that you and your girlfriend are so open, that's really cool - you never know, maybe she and my girlfriend would have some things in common too!? ;-)

I'm afraid that I probably will not give too much away initially, I value my privacy too much - something I'm sure you understand.

Thanks again for your messages - I too have gained hope that someone else feels the same as me - and therefore I can have someone to speak to help with my feelings!

Gotta go - knackered... Look forward to hearing from you soon.

[james88uk]

Hi, me again.

Feeeeew!, I am really pleased that you have replied to teh posting. I was a bit worried that my openness had freaked you out! LOL!

Firstly, let me assure you that I respect your privacy. I am also very aware of your situation and that you have to do what you have to do in your own time. I apologise if at times I become a stream of conciousness, but I tend to find that when I do, it's coming straight from within me, not from my head. My intentions are simple to find a special friend, whatever that means.

As I have only began coming to terms with my biseuxality very recently (in fact at the beginning of this month) I am on a kind of quest, like I guess you are, to find our what this all means. I really chuffed that you have a good holiday away with your girlfriend, and really pleased that you are thinking about getting married.

In all honesty, I feel very similar about my girlfriend who has pretty well stuck by me through thick and thin - but I haven't seriously thought about marrying her as I feel this will trap me into a 'straight' way of being... something which I cannot do. I guess this may be my perception. I do feel that when I understand my sexuality a great deal more, then I will marry her, I don't honestly know as I don't know what this means for my/our life. Perhaps there may be a time when I have a boyfriend/special friend and my girlfriend understands all this (this won't happen at the moment becuase I don't even understand). (It might be a good idea to tell her before you get married?) - all I can say is your feelings for the same sex will not go away - trust me. All that will happen in that you will supress those feelings at they will emerge as something else. With me they emerged as depression and/or pushing my girlfriend away (even though I wasn't fully aware that I was doing so).

I know in my heart that a 'bisexual' (or whatever you feel comfortable calling it) lifestyle IS possible, and can be very balanced. It's just that society would rather people be in the gay box or the straight box. By being strong and being your-SELF, you will help people around you understand that it's OK not to be a beer-drinking-macho fool!! LOL.

Having looked around on the internet over the past week, I have inevitably ended up at gay web sites to see if there are any bisexuals out there. To be honest I have felt quite gutted as it seems that many people just call themselves 'gay' to be part of a big club. Furthermore, the gay sites seem to have predominantly photos of 'cock shots' for their profile photos? - how shallow is that?! I don't know about you, but I wouldn't go and meet a guy on the basis of his cock?! LOL :-) ... Ps mine's just fine (or so people have told me :-) LOL!) Mmmm, back to the point... I guess I'm trying to say that I am amazed that you wrote that posting as, even if you don't find me physically attractive, you certainly resonate with me and I honestly didn't think I'd find a person to bounce my feelings of so soon. On the internet people jsut seem to want to meet for a shag - and I don't feel that's what you need right now (although at times it may feel that way) - and neither do I... I need a friend to talk to about my feelings too.

I understand you are quite a private guy, don't worry, I understand. As you get to know me better - you may be suprised at how trustworthy and honest I am - I sometimes freak myself out!!LOL - I am certainly not yet another bullshitter (pardon the French) on the internet who wants to deceive someone into a shag. I go a bit (alot) deeper than that :-). PS. I really AM 31, and those photos really are me - unlike many profiles on the net. :tongue: - besides if I was just after a shag (I know you know I'm not), I would have uploaded photos of some super-buff hung stud supermodel!!! LOL :rolleyes:

If you feel this is too public, we can stay in touch by email if you want. I can get messenger + web cam going as well if you want and some point (I prefer email as messenger can be a bit annoying sometimes as it seems to constantly pop-up with people spamming me). What would you prefer? If you want I can send you a yahoo email address through a private message and you can get in touch with me through that?

Just tell me what you're comfortable with.

Best Wishes
James

:)

[james88uk]

Ps. .. you'll have to go with the typos in my postings, my keyboard is a bit lame!

PPs. .. I live just outside Manchester - pretty much a stones throw from anywhere (you can tell as the windows are broken ... ooooh poor joke :tong: )

[davidg]

Hi how are you

[softfruit]

Sorry to stamp on your fire James but I think m31 refers to "male 31" not postcode area -- according to his profile he's at the other end of the country from us.

[james88uk]

Hi Softfruit...

I worked that one out :tongue: - I live in Manchester and the 'other end of the country' for me is just a short drive away :cool:

Take it easy
J

[m31uk]

Just thought I would provide feedback, I'm now chatting with James and find him very funny and honest.

This site has provided a great community for getting in touch and speaking to peolpe with similar views.

Thanks to whoever created it!!

I'll probably not come back into this forum for a while, since I feel I have found a great person to speak to on a one-to-one. Good luck to everyone else! ;-)