A conversation with a God who I don't believe exists

[bi_scott]

http://fluidsexuality.wordpress.com/

I have put up this latest post after a stressful and confused weekend. Last night I was in bed, confused and basically not wanting to wake up. I know that this sounds stupid and foolish and I am not wanting to take my own life. I just despertaly want to hear whether anyone else is in this confusion too or, is it just me? Everyone seems to know what they want and I just dont. Any thoughts, please?!

[Daniel1395]

Hey Scott ive just read your post and firstly i just want to say for many parts of your post your not alone because I like you have asked myself many times why do i feel like this? but im afraid with me its something that i do not think i will ever be able to answer but ive just had to accept it as part of who i am.

Also like you i have many guy friends who always seem to talk about girls they would like to have sex with and it also makes me angry because i know that i am not like that.

In one part of your post you said you were wishing you were in a passionate situation with a guy and i think that because maybe you have more of a desire for a relationship with a guy who is passionate and romantic then that might be a possible reason why you feel repulsed.

ALso with me the idea of casual sex with another guy just does not interest me. my whole feelings towards men are on more of an affectionate and romantic basis than a sexual one.

I hope this helps and that it makes sense.

[warmpuppy]

A couple of things to consider:

1. Taking of one's life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter how bad things seem to be, they always have a way of working themselves out. Rather than give in to feelings of hopelessness, give those who love and need you the chance to help you get through it.

2. If you look at spirituality and the supposed existence of God with a scientific mindset, there can be no doubt that he exists. If you look at all of the ingredients necessary for life to begin and evolve, they cannot all be accidental or random. All of the species of life that has ever existed on Earth could not have evolved by chance, IMHO. Life is part of a massive design.

He who is the engineer of such a design also has the capacity to listen and respond to the prayers of those who feel dispair. Give him a chance.

[Azrael]

. If you look at spirituality and the supposed existence of God with a scientific mindset, there can be no doubt that he exists.
Or she :bigrin:

[yoyo4u]

I was raised, at my early childhood, to be religious.

I wish I still had the innocence nowadays, but I've observed......when I don't get up and go to work every day, there will be no daily bread.

:(

yoyo

[Herbwoman39]

Oh honey, if you want to see a great example of a fellow confused human being check out my most recent thread entitled "What the HELL am I DOING?!?"

You are SO not alone in how you feel.

[darkeyes]

2. If you look at spirituality and the supposed existence of God with a scientific mindset, there can be no doubt that he exists. If you look at all of the ingredients necessary for life to begin and evolve, they cannot all be accidental or random. All of the species of life that has ever existed on Earth could not have evolved by chance, IMHO. Life is part of a massive design.

He who is the engineer of such a design also has the capacity to listen and respond to the prayers of those who feel dispair. Give him a chance.

Sentence by sentence here..Why? Why not? Why not? Why?

How do we know? why?

Ye of the scientific mindset .. why 2 ne of it?

Finally.. why is he a he?? Whose design wos God?

[Nara_lovely]

Most importantly...never give up on yourself!!!!

I've found the hardest parts of my life, full of growth and learning...but damn hard to see it at the time. Feeling the way you do is part of the process...a continual search to understand yourself.


Hang in there...YOU ARE WORTH IT!

[coyotedude]

A conversation with a non-existent God could be worked into a great book title! But let's leave God out of the conversation for a bit.

Dude, you've got a hell of a lot on your plate. Let's see, just a partial list of questions you are asking would include:

* Why do guys make me horny?
* Why do I feel so dirty afterward?
* Why am I bi?
* Why am I not like everyone else?

Just one of those questions would confuse the hell out of you. And you've got them queued up one after another hammering bang bang bang at your head and your heart. Frankly, I'd be worried about you if you weren't struggling with it all.

But let's just look at one aspect of your blog here....

My friend, there is a very big difference between sex and love. Sex is nice, don't get me wrong; there is a place in life for pure, unadulterated animal lust. (I'm a coyote; I should know.) But there's more to life than fucking and getting fucked. There's love, for instance. Romance. Having a true life partner to share the good days and bad. Making passionate love with someone who wends their way deep into your very soul.

I think this is why you felt so dirty after masturbating to that gay porn. And I think this is why you felt so alienated as your friends kept trying to one-up each other with their bragging about their "masculine" exploits. My guess is that deep inside yourself, you already know that you're hungry for more - something more substantial, something more meaningful, something more real.

There is nothing wrong with that, my friend. Nothing at all. Mind you, living life means taking risks. And risks are scary for good reason. Not every risk you take will work out for you.

But damn, dude - why just hang out? Why not live life to its fullest?

It's called "growing up," my friend, and sometimes it hurts like hell. But you get a lot more out of life that way, if you choose to follow the path your heart appears to be leading you.

And God? Assuming that God exists, of course, sometimes I think we give God way too much credit. Despite what some folks think, God is not a fast-food restaurant. ("One Parable combo with a large Coke; do you want fries with your commandments?") Nor is God our personal room service. We still are left to do the heavy lifting when it comes to figuring out who we are and how we choose to live our lives.

Just my :2cents: . Hope it is helpful, for what it is worth....

Peace

[bi_scott]

Cheers guys, this is helpful stuff.

A number of people mentioned comments about wanting a romantic relationship. I think that is right. I would love to find a guy to experience life with - but how do you find that guy! But yeah, I hear this. In fact I looked at some porn last night and it was more 'loving' - it was two lads making loved. I dreamed of being in that situation. My head is everywhere right now!

Warmpuppy - I wouldnt take my own life - I have tried that before. I would, however, wish to be sucked away, just gone.. disappear.. well, sometimes.

With regards to your immaculate design theory, well, it is just that, a theory.

Coyotedude, I really appreciated your post. You, like so many, seem to understand where I am coming from and this is helpful. You basically told me to grow up, in a nice way.

It is hard though - everyone on this forum - I am sure that you are all understanding this but part of me just wants to tell the world that I am bisexual, get it over and done with and then experience it. Part of me is scared and wants to hide!

[warmpuppy]

Sentence by sentence here..Why? Why not? Why not? Why?

How do we know? why?

Ye of the scientific mindset .. why 2 ne of it?

Finally.. why is he a he?? Whose design wos God?

Guess I lack the intellectual capacity to figure out what this person is trying to say? Anyone want to venture a guess?

[yoyo4u]

Guess I lack the intellectual capacity to figure out what this person is trying to say? Anyone want to venture a guess?

I have to stop re-reading it!

Why?........I'm dizzy!!! :eek:

[LoveLion]

I had a very similar outlook on men Scott. Just months ago, I would get horny and look at gay porn. While I was still aroused I would fantasize about being with men, but as soon as I ejaculated I felt disgusted, dirty and wrong. I had always really considered myself hetero deep down because I always retained a strong attraction to women as well, although I did wonder if I was gay at times

Then one day a few months ago, I cant remember what I was doing at the time, but suddenly I had an epiphany. In one instance I realized, Im Bi! It was so simply clear and obvious I don't know how I had missed it for all those years and sinse then I have been sure I am bi. It was a huge weight off. But more importantly, after that moment when ever I get off while thinking about or watching guys, the feelings of guilt and wrongness are gone. I dont feel them anymore.

And regarding the guys you spoke of who where talking about screwing hot women all day long: you need to take what they say with a grain of salt. Alot of those guys are putting up a facade to appear macho and "cool". Id but at least half of those guys would become extremely nervous and insecure if they ended up in one of the situations the boast about. They try to act like cold hard sex machines, but everyone is human and I promise you none of them are as blatantly hetero as they seem

[Jingleheimer]

Cheers guys, this is helpful stuff.

A number of people mentioned comments about wanting a romantic relationship. I think that is right. I would love to find a guy to experience life with - but how do you find that guy!

Finding a guy for romance,sex, or any combination thereof is much easier if you let it be known that you are bi. Struggle with any disapproval from friends as you may have to, just ask yourself what would make you happier.
Life is short, too short to deny yourself happiness. I present myself to everyone in a way that produces confusion in the minds of others as to my sexuality...
At work, I hit on gals, yet am also openly very friendly and even playful with the gay guys there and I let others see it. Aside from being amusing, it allows other guys who are interested yet too shy to say anything to feel comfortable getting closer to me. The perfect discreet relationship you are after might be very difficult to find and ultimately unneccessary(?)
Personally, I believe that guys who spend so much of their time letting others know how attracted they are to females are struggling the most with inner homo-erotic thoughts (I have seen this so much among macho conservatives here in Texas). If they were in the right discreet situation with the proper motivation, I bet ya most of them would gladly raise it up and bite the pillow...and would probably enjoy themselves more than ever before.
Better to experience such things for yourself, now, before time runs out, than to deny it or just live vicariously through porn. I am in the process of learning this myself.
As for god...
I think our spirits are travelling in the uncharted oceans of god's/existance's most distant parts. We gather information in the form of experience, report it back to the boss, then decide on vacation(which I am sure gets old after a while) or another mission.
Therefore, as bisexuals, it is our sacred duty to live to the fullest, experiencing everything life has to offer. The tragic experiences are already guaranteed, do not compund misery because of what some...how do y'all say it?...'wankers' think (true friends will be sympathetic at the very least). We must seek true happiness and not let any horseshit get in the way.
anyway, I am done with my preachin'...

[allbimyself]

Guess I lack the intellectual capacity to figure out what this person is trying to say? Anyone want to venture a guess?
Clearly.

[darkeyes]

2. If you look at spirituality and the supposed existence of God with a scientific mindset, there can be no doubt that he exists. If you look at all of the ingredients necessary for life to begin and evolve, they cannot all be accidental or random. All of the species of life that has ever existed on Earth could not have evolved by chance, IMHO. Life is part of a massive design.

He who is the engineer of such a design also has the capacity to listen and respond to the prayers of those who feel dispair. Give him a chance.


Ok Warmpuppy..far be it for me 2 question ur intellectual capacity all I did was question your assertions sentence by sentence as quoted above. Now maybe if u read my original post it will all fall into place.. if not I despair...

Also question why is God a he?? She may not be..it may not be sexual at all.. he she or it may be hermaphrodite.. or some other wonderful fairy story humanity may choose to invent for him her it. And who made him her or it?? Or was him her or it merely an accidental or random creation? Was he she or it always there? Will he her or it always be there?

Where is the science that proves any of anything to do with spirtual matters?
Or is he her or it merely the creation of the fertile minds of ancient mankind as a tool for the powerful to control the masses? Or as a feeble attempt by superstitious and primitive people to explain why everything?

Needless to say I do not believe in him her or it.. but while I, count myself as an athiest not an agnostic, and hold to my beliefs (or non beliefs if u prefer)sincerely, they are but that..beliefs.. I assert nothing except an opinion based on reading listening logic observation and discussion through my life.. I make no assertions of what must be and is, but question all things, even my own values and beliefs at all times. Its has been acting thus I have reached where I am now in my religious and spiritual opinions.. it is my hope as life goes on that I shall continue to refine and evolve my opinions.. and when dead..the big question is will I know whether I am right or wrong in any of those opinions?

[CountryLover]

Perhaps I'll be laughed out of the forum, but then again...

I came to the conclusion some time ago that God is a bisexual. We're all made in his image after all....

As for gender, I use "he" simply for convenience sake - I don't try to fit God in a box.

Bi Scott, I hope you find peace and self acceptance whatever your preferences turn out to be. You're a thoughtful gentle soul - hold out until you find someone of whichever gender who appreciates that.

[LoveLion]

I don't want to turn this thread into a debate over the existence and gender of God (which personally, I dont believe in) , and this is off topic so I will be brief.

If God does exist I think it is irrelevant to label God him or her, because God would not have a gender. The entire purpose of 2 genders is to control reproduction in an logical and manageable way to ensure the survival of a species without overpopulation and to maintain balance in a natural ecosystem. If we were created by a God, God would have no need for a gender, nor would it make any sense to have one (God dosnt need sex to create). Gender would have been an invention of God, so it is pointless to try to define God as male or female. People just refer to him as "he" because that is how he is referred to in the bible and by the religions, which where written and created in an era when only men could rule. It has just become tradition in religion and the world to call god "He" and I dont thing it is a sexist or demeaning statement in anyway

[coyotedude]

Coyotedude, I really appreciated your post. You, like so many, seem to understand where I am coming from and this is helpful. You basically told me to grow up, in a nice way.

It is hard though - everyone on this forum - I am sure that you are all understanding this but part of me just wants to tell the world that I am bisexual, get it over and done with and then experience it. Part of me is scared and wants to hide!

Oops! Didn't mean to lecture, my friend.... Sorry! I tend to ramble on at 1 in the morning. But glad you found it helpful.

Don't blame you for being scared. But I admire the fact that you are trying to face your fears and find some answers. A lot of folks never do that, precisely because it's so easy to live in denial....

Peace

[bi_scott]

There is lots of good stuff here. With regards to comments about God, his / her existance and his / her gender this is all theoretical. Dont get me wrong I am interested in religion and discussing religion but as far as I see it, if God existed and created human beings then we are trying to understand our maker and that is impossible. We are the finite trying to understand the inifinate. As the bible states, 'for now we see in a mirror dimly'. How can I state whether the Christian, Muslim, Hindu.. or any other religions God exists, it's pointless and I cannot see how one particular religion or individual can state that they know that their God is right or a specific character / attribute of God is right. We see in a mirror dimly - we aint got the foggiest and never well.

Anyway...

CountryLove thank you for your kind words.

Something is becoming apparent to me... I either hide, confused not knowing what I am and never really finding out or I tell people that I think that I am bisexual. I dont mean that I am after security from a label but there is an element of security in being open about not quite knowing, an element of, this is me. I dont want to live my life and never experience who or what I am.

[coyotedude]

Something is becoming apparent to me... I either hide, confused not knowing what I am and never really finding out or I tell people that I think that I am bisexual. I dont mean that I am after security from a label but there is an element of security in being open about not quite knowing, an element of, this is me. I dont want to live my life and never experience who or what I am.

Just one thought: I think one of the hardest people to come out to is yourself.

Mind you, I am very selective about who I share this part of my life with. Not because I am ashamed of it, but because it is something very personal to me.

But coming to grips with my own bisexuality was one of the toughest things I've ever done. I'm pretty comfortable with myself today.... but coming out to myself and then being okay with it took a while.

Peace

[qchamp]

I think people feel disgusted or dirty about themself because of this. You are worried, or care too much what someone else would think about you. I say who cares what other people think. You were not put here to please them. Take care of you. Do not worry about the things that are not in your control. You cannot change what someone thinks, so why try. If they change the way they think its because they want to, not that you made them. Just go with your feelings ( damn I sound like yoda ).

As for there being a god, who knows, belive what you will about the subject. Besides who am I to say there is or isnt?

Tim

[bi_scott]

Thanks for this guys. The situation is that I am happy with myself - I know that I am bisexual and I am happy with this - I am more exploring what this means.

In terms of being 'repulsed' it is interesting - it is not that I feel disgusting or dirty about myself - that is not the case. It is more that the act of anal sex does not seem nice to me, but sometimes it does. I think it is more that I think I would enjoy it with a guy who I really love, more making love, exploring our bodies together but in my mind, when it is watching porn it is a random stranger.. ohh.. I don't know!

[CHOCOLATECITY32]

hello ppl i am a bisexual male and i support u guy's 2 a certaqin extent i believe in god a 100% and i go 2 church 3x a week and i think that nobody's is 2 blame as dar as confusion and sexuality.but there is a god and there is a devil.things and situations in life is what u make it if u want ur life 2 be a living hell then that 's ur choice some ppl believe in god exist and some ppl don't i believe god exist b/c i have seen some gr8 changes in my life ,plus we r not perfect ,and weather u know it or not there r a lot of bisexual ppl that go to church they just don't reveal it

[DiamondDog]

Thanks for this guys. The situation is that I am happy with myself - I know that I am bisexual and I am happy with this - I am more exploring what this means.

In terms of being 'repulsed' it is interesting - it is not that I feel disgusting or dirty about myself - that is not the case. It is more that the act of anal sex does not seem nice to me, but sometimes it does. I think it is more that I think I would enjoy it with a guy who I really love, more making love, exploring our bodies together but in my mind, when it is watching porn it is a random stranger.. ohh.. I don't know!

Having sex with another man doesn't mean that you have to or MUST engage in anal sex. Lots of guys simply aren't into anal sex and some are more into oral and masturbatory sex, or other types of sex.

Not evey guy that is gay/bi/queer does anal sex, and not everyone sucks cock either.

Some of my male queer friends only do anal sex with their husbands, or partners only.

Don't go by porn as a guide for anal sex, as this is highly edited so that it's PERFECT.