CherryBlossom74
Jul 25, 2005, 6:29 AM
I had never dreamed of allowing my curiosities about men to come to the surface, the social and supposedly moral pressures forbade it. I had no courage to explore it at all. I had seen people be ostracized for it in high school, in fact i was never given a date in high school since a rumor had been started (without reason) that I was gay. I had never shown interest in anything but girls all my time in school, I assure you. It was pressured into me over and over. But I looked deeper into it recently in my life to see from where this began...this pressure in me to conform...but I digress...
Throughout High School I found reasons to look at porn....and it was I realize now as much to see the MEN doing to the women what they did. I wouldn't rent or buy gay porn, that was simply not something I was interested in....a deep fear (yes I mean FEAR, as in PHOBIA) awakened everytime I did look at the video boxes. But still my desire wouldn't take a backseat to fear, and one day I discovered She-males. Now you may start to laugh but understand it was a "safe" way around my fears for a fevered brain that desired to love men too. I used it as my outlet, and watched men appreciating something between men and women....the dam was being slowly peeled apart now.
Years go by, my access to my outlet improves immeasurably...I find myself fantasizing about men more and more...and trying to comvince myself that I am not gay! I love women too! How to deal with it? y quandry grew deeper and eentually I threw myself into work to try and avoid what I felt. I got married, had a child and STILL I was trying to hide from it.
Then Adrienne started to come out of her shell...cconfiding in me her true feelings about some women she saw, including sharing her pain when she couldn't go with some ladies who came on to her at a Renaissance Faire...she couldn't allow it out, and I felt a connection somehow deepen with her. They wanted her...she wanted them! I had been in a similar circumstance just before that by a few months. A gay man had been smitten with me and couldn't tell me, since I was married and was truly upset I had not seen his advances. The clicks kept happening. My deep love for a friend in High School, the desperate longing to be with him! It HAD been love!
Burying that knowledge deep I forgot my revalations and did my best to be supportive to Adrienne.
A few more years passed, and the yearnings had now become strong enough for me to actively seek Gay Rubber fetish sites, ostensibly to see the latest fashions in latex. I never masturbated to what I saw there, mind you. Adrienne began to confide in me her fears, and in it I saw my own...she was feeling something taboo! I told her it was ok, and at last she broke down and said she was Bisexual. She cried a bit, and I held her. A weight was off her shoulders, one I felt rocking in place over me.
A few days later I was surfing the net, doing what comes natural. I came across a picture of two men in a sixty nine, dressed in full latex...and there were more of them kissing passionately! There was none of that fake crap in it from Gay Porn...these men LOVED each other and you could FEEL it. My mind raced and my heart hammered....I orgasmed so hard I was groaning like I had thrown my back out or was dying of a stabbing to my midsection. I nearly fell out of my seat, and had to spend time making myself breathe as I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach...you know the kind of orgasm of which I speak, a toe-curler!
The weight blew off my shoulders as I sat there gasping. I was bisexual...I am bisexual! My heart became lighter, my eyes saw what I had been ignoring! Beauty...everywhere! Adrienne, when I told her, hugged me tightly as we stood in the hall of our home. I was so scared! What did it mean to be Bisexual? She had been reading books and searching sites for answers, and unfortunately there are still more question than answers...more biases than acceptance. I had just accepted a harder row to hoe in life... a much harder row to hoe. But at least I wasn't alone, no matter how scared I was. Together we embraced it, smiling through our fears we plunged in and began to try and shed our frightened biases.
It hasn't always been easy, acceptance is minimal and we have to be choosy who we tell. But thus far it hasn't been hard to come out to those we call friends in general. Family....wel let's say we would rather not say...they are after all most of the problem.
Certain emotions and ways I express them have changed now, something I noticed almost right away. To move me to tears was not an easy thing, an before coming out and accepting what I am I can tell you I had cried only twice in nearly 20 years. I can even tell you when they were....Watching the end of Big Fish, and seeing my little boy ooh and ahh at the Fantasmic show at Disneyland. Now my tears, and emotions, flow as I suppose god means them too. I cried at the end of Phantom of the Opera, watching De-Lovely, when I finished a particularly moving piece of fiction I post on another site and seeing how it moved Adrienne....it seems my heart isn't retarded anymore from feeling what it should. My god...what a dam I broke open!
In any case I now must finish with the revelation I had some weeks ago about WHY I had been AFRAID of men.
My father beat me..in fact he had beaten me silly on Christmas day when I was 6. So hard did he beat me (I accidentally opened a present that wasn't addressed to me) that I lost control and voided all over myself. He beat me all the harded for the urine and feces on his hands. Then my family made me apologise to him for making him beat me.
Now this in itself was probably the set up I thought....my fear came in two ways...the first is when I see faces that are stern and angry, and that I believe came from what my father did to me. This however shouldn't have stopped me and caused the second deeper fear, the one that made me fear seeing a man's genitals.
Then I remembered what my brother had done to me once, and never again did I allow him to do it to me. He often times would manage to get me away from where my parents or anyone could see what he was going to do (mostly torture and bruise me, things my parents refused to admit to allowing or even seeing). Since he was always double my size, as I was always sick, and he is 14 months older. My 12 year old sister had explained what sex was to our 8 year old brother, and curious as to what it was abotu he wanted to see if he could manage something. I was the something he could manage. Alone and out of sight now, my brother managed to get me backed into an unseen corner behind the carpentry shop, get his pants down and me to my knees. He then proceeded to force his penis into my mouth....and urinated! I can still remember the vile taste and how it squirted all over as I pushed away as hard as I could....he only laughed after me. I was so ashamed I had let him get me that far without fighting back more....I never told anyone, they wouldn't believe me anyway.
So there it was....from that moment on I was always afraid of seeing any man's genitals, and never allowed myself to be seen nude by men. I had struck upon the trauma, and I wept. How much happier would my life have been having never suffered it I will never know. All I can do is live as best I can, and try to help where I can anyone who asks my aid.
Thanks for listening.
:flag4:
Throughout High School I found reasons to look at porn....and it was I realize now as much to see the MEN doing to the women what they did. I wouldn't rent or buy gay porn, that was simply not something I was interested in....a deep fear (yes I mean FEAR, as in PHOBIA) awakened everytime I did look at the video boxes. But still my desire wouldn't take a backseat to fear, and one day I discovered She-males. Now you may start to laugh but understand it was a "safe" way around my fears for a fevered brain that desired to love men too. I used it as my outlet, and watched men appreciating something between men and women....the dam was being slowly peeled apart now.
Years go by, my access to my outlet improves immeasurably...I find myself fantasizing about men more and more...and trying to comvince myself that I am not gay! I love women too! How to deal with it? y quandry grew deeper and eentually I threw myself into work to try and avoid what I felt. I got married, had a child and STILL I was trying to hide from it.
Then Adrienne started to come out of her shell...cconfiding in me her true feelings about some women she saw, including sharing her pain when she couldn't go with some ladies who came on to her at a Renaissance Faire...she couldn't allow it out, and I felt a connection somehow deepen with her. They wanted her...she wanted them! I had been in a similar circumstance just before that by a few months. A gay man had been smitten with me and couldn't tell me, since I was married and was truly upset I had not seen his advances. The clicks kept happening. My deep love for a friend in High School, the desperate longing to be with him! It HAD been love!
Burying that knowledge deep I forgot my revalations and did my best to be supportive to Adrienne.
A few more years passed, and the yearnings had now become strong enough for me to actively seek Gay Rubber fetish sites, ostensibly to see the latest fashions in latex. I never masturbated to what I saw there, mind you. Adrienne began to confide in me her fears, and in it I saw my own...she was feeling something taboo! I told her it was ok, and at last she broke down and said she was Bisexual. She cried a bit, and I held her. A weight was off her shoulders, one I felt rocking in place over me.
A few days later I was surfing the net, doing what comes natural. I came across a picture of two men in a sixty nine, dressed in full latex...and there were more of them kissing passionately! There was none of that fake crap in it from Gay Porn...these men LOVED each other and you could FEEL it. My mind raced and my heart hammered....I orgasmed so hard I was groaning like I had thrown my back out or was dying of a stabbing to my midsection. I nearly fell out of my seat, and had to spend time making myself breathe as I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach...you know the kind of orgasm of which I speak, a toe-curler!
The weight blew off my shoulders as I sat there gasping. I was bisexual...I am bisexual! My heart became lighter, my eyes saw what I had been ignoring! Beauty...everywhere! Adrienne, when I told her, hugged me tightly as we stood in the hall of our home. I was so scared! What did it mean to be Bisexual? She had been reading books and searching sites for answers, and unfortunately there are still more question than answers...more biases than acceptance. I had just accepted a harder row to hoe in life... a much harder row to hoe. But at least I wasn't alone, no matter how scared I was. Together we embraced it, smiling through our fears we plunged in and began to try and shed our frightened biases.
It hasn't always been easy, acceptance is minimal and we have to be choosy who we tell. But thus far it hasn't been hard to come out to those we call friends in general. Family....wel let's say we would rather not say...they are after all most of the problem.
Certain emotions and ways I express them have changed now, something I noticed almost right away. To move me to tears was not an easy thing, an before coming out and accepting what I am I can tell you I had cried only twice in nearly 20 years. I can even tell you when they were....Watching the end of Big Fish, and seeing my little boy ooh and ahh at the Fantasmic show at Disneyland. Now my tears, and emotions, flow as I suppose god means them too. I cried at the end of Phantom of the Opera, watching De-Lovely, when I finished a particularly moving piece of fiction I post on another site and seeing how it moved Adrienne....it seems my heart isn't retarded anymore from feeling what it should. My god...what a dam I broke open!
In any case I now must finish with the revelation I had some weeks ago about WHY I had been AFRAID of men.
My father beat me..in fact he had beaten me silly on Christmas day when I was 6. So hard did he beat me (I accidentally opened a present that wasn't addressed to me) that I lost control and voided all over myself. He beat me all the harded for the urine and feces on his hands. Then my family made me apologise to him for making him beat me.
Now this in itself was probably the set up I thought....my fear came in two ways...the first is when I see faces that are stern and angry, and that I believe came from what my father did to me. This however shouldn't have stopped me and caused the second deeper fear, the one that made me fear seeing a man's genitals.
Then I remembered what my brother had done to me once, and never again did I allow him to do it to me. He often times would manage to get me away from where my parents or anyone could see what he was going to do (mostly torture and bruise me, things my parents refused to admit to allowing or even seeing). Since he was always double my size, as I was always sick, and he is 14 months older. My 12 year old sister had explained what sex was to our 8 year old brother, and curious as to what it was abotu he wanted to see if he could manage something. I was the something he could manage. Alone and out of sight now, my brother managed to get me backed into an unseen corner behind the carpentry shop, get his pants down and me to my knees. He then proceeded to force his penis into my mouth....and urinated! I can still remember the vile taste and how it squirted all over as I pushed away as hard as I could....he only laughed after me. I was so ashamed I had let him get me that far without fighting back more....I never told anyone, they wouldn't believe me anyway.
So there it was....from that moment on I was always afraid of seeing any man's genitals, and never allowed myself to be seen nude by men. I had struck upon the trauma, and I wept. How much happier would my life have been having never suffered it I will never know. All I can do is live as best I can, and try to help where I can anyone who asks my aid.
Thanks for listening.
:flag4: