Comming out the hard way

[Bi-ten]

Hi all,

This will be my first thread, I am writing it because over the last few months I have become comfortable with the people on this site, and know I will hear some thoughful comments.

I have been married since I was twenty four, over 18 years now. I have two wonderful children whom I love more than anything. My wife and I have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, but for whatever reasons I continue to be unhappy the way things are.

It has taken me all this time to finally accept myself as bisexual. I have an enormous desire to be with men... and have acted on this without her knowledge (thats right, I am a cheater).

I realize that this double life will only bring pain, and I don't think I can live with the lies and deception. I think I have to tell her about my desires, if not my activities. The problem is that I am sure that this will lead to our inevitable divorce, which would hurt the whole family.

So I think my choice is to stay, stop the double life, and hope I can keep my pants zipped up. Or role the dice, tell her, and risk everything. I know some people actually leave clues to get caught, but I don't think this is the way I want to go...

I'm sure there must be others who have faced, or are facing this sort of conflict. I would appreciate some of your opinions.

Bi-ten :(

[gayle]

Dear Bi-ten,
I have no useful words of advice for you. So, why then, am I replying? I want to applaud you for seeking advice for your situation. I know you are trying to find a course of action that will minimize the pain for everyone involved and I admire you for that. Sadly, I realize that if you do come out, it is likely someone, maybe even more than one or two people, could be hurt. At the same time, trying to bury your feelings is unlikely to prove to be a satisfactory course of action for you over the long term. It seems to me that there are no easy answers for your situation. Just know that there are those of us who will be hoping for the best for you as you seek to determine what course of action to take.

[kenny]

If you shut down who you really are, noboby will be happy. Your kids, wife and most of all you will not be happy. You cannot personally be complete without being what god made you.I am a bi male, married twice, 2 kids. I have been bi my entire life. That did ruin my first marriage my second didnt know. The point is I've never been happier than I am now, being myself, Only a few people know, which is fine. My kids are well adjusted and I get the best of both worlds. I will have a wife again and she will know who I am or we will not be together. Bottom line is, if your not happy with your life it will rub off on everyone.

[moongirl]

I don't have any great insights for you either but wanted to say I feel for the pain you are in. It is so hard to face the choice between risking so much that you obviously cherish and living a life where you try to deny part of yourself . I myself married young, didn't understand my sexuality then (who does!!!!) and after 15 years of gradually becoming aware of my sexuality, had my first relationship with a woman last year. My partner knew, it caused a huge amount of pain between us, but I know it's something I needed to experience and frankly I want to again. But part of the pain was that he didn't realise how big a thing this was for me, and then it all happened too fast for him to adjust to. For me the thing is now being more honest with my man about how much this is part of me, how persistent it's been. I am dealing with it by taking a step "back" from actual sexual relationships, to exploring online and trying to make online contacts with other bi women. Not easy, as some people don't bother to reply!!! My man knows I am doing this and so far is ok with that. We have kids & a good life together so I am trying to "slow down" and hopefully not fuck it all up, but where it will all go I still don't know.

wish you well and hope your lady understands more than you think she might.
moongirl.

[BiBiologist]

Hi Bi-ten and everyone,

You might want to take a look at the posts in the "Who knows?" thread. There are several people who have had similar situations to what you are going through, including myself. Just before our 22nd anniversary I came out to my husband, and it has worked out. Our marriage is better now, but others have not had the same good experience as I have. I have had no relations with other women, and it is really killing me to feel so much and not express it. Moongirl, I would certainly reply to your messages!

[WillowTree]

Speaking from the point of view of a wife, I would prefer to be told rather than to catch my husband with someone else. Other than that, I really don't have any great advice for you. I do applaud your asking for input thought, and I'm sure there are lots of people here who have been in your situatin that can offer lots more.

[Bi-ten]

Hi,

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I will certainly check the 'who knows' thread for more discussion on this topic.

I guess in my heart I know what to do, I realize my feelings will not just go away, nor will my problems. I just have to be smart about it and find the courage from somewhere (God knows where).

It really helps to know I'm not alone. Thanks again.

Bi-ten

[gina42]

hi bi-ten,
i wouldnt want to be in your shoes hon,
but you know you need to be happy with yourself to my friend..
if your staying with your wife to prevent hurting your kids and others than your only hurting yourself.....you had said that you was a cheater well you are not alone many people cheat on there spouces.plz just be careful my friend....

[driventoboth]

The hard answer to your question is that there is no easy answer. Like most everyone I have a horror story about coming out to my wife. I'm 46 and I don't even even remember hearing the word "bisexual" growing up. All I knew was that I had no polarity when it came sexual attraction for as long as I can remember. Religious conservatism motivated me to fight it all the way. When I met my wife, I thought, "This is it. I can be with her for the rest of my life." As it turns out I chose the wrong person...not the wrong gender. While I conceiled my sexuality, she hid from her own emotional demons. However it happened, 13 years into our marriage I started seeing men...AND other women. One of those men became jealous and outed me to her. In her anger she then outed me to my family and church leaders. It has been very difficult for me but I've learned that honesty is the very best virtue I can cultivate now. I should have told her when we met. At the very least that may have prevented a bad marriage from beginning. I've also learned that I am so much more content with my life now. I'm not out but I don't make a big deal of it either. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you realize that you are not alone.

Darryl

[mike9753]

Hi Bi-ten:

I have no easy answers either, and to be even more difficult, I hear another issue in your posts. What I hear is that you want to be bi-sexual and you want to be promiscuious with men as well as your wife. You have discovered that you have sexual feelings for men and you are having a hard time controling these feeings - in fact you have acted on them. Your wife, as a woman does not completely satisfy your desire to experience sexual activity with a man, so you want to have sex with both your wife, if she'll let you, and a man, if you find the right one? Monogomy with your wife is not something that is acceptable to you anymore, right?

Does my summary sound harsh? Perhaps, but maybe it will help you decide exactly what it is that you really want. The earlier posts about being true to yourself seem to suggest that it was better to be true to yourself, and be promiscuious, whatever the consequences to your marriage and to your children, than to live a lie. I would agree that iving a lie will indirectly hurt not only you, but those around you as well. However, the damage to your kids if you become bi-sexually promiscuious will be worse.


I guess I am from the old school that adheres to the value of keeping commitments, especially when there are children invloved. That does not mean that you have to deny your bi-sexuality. What I am suggesting is that you be true to your real self - come out, but remain monogomous with your wife. That's what you and she promised each other, right? Isn't that a vlaue you would want your kids to have as well?

No matter what you decide to do, it is very difficult. I guess I would advise you to think with your head and with your heart, but not with your penis. Think of today, tomorrow, next year and when your kids are grown and you are a grandfather. Your future happiness is determined by what you do today in the significant relationships that mean so much to you. Coming out to your family, but maintaining commitments will be no picnic.

Sorry if waht I have said makes your choice more difficut.

Mike

[Dreamcouple2]

YEAH MIKE! I loved your reply. Not because it was harsh, quite the opposite. You stated the truth. We should keep our promises and our commitments to our family for the very reasons you stated. My fiance is bi....so am I, I have been there done that and it isn't something I want regularly...........having sex with women is okay, but I prefer the one person that I am in love with.........everything else is a bonus for me but I couldn't live without him and I know it................our relationship is better because we are honest with each other about who we are and what we want............if we have sex with other people on occasion, yeah....if not, I still find perfect bliss with him.........and I wouldn't want it any other way............

Kat
:love87:

[Bi-ten]

Hi Mike and Dreamcouple,

Thank you for your thoughts on this, I agree that it is important to be true to your family and your love, and also it is important to be true to yourself.

Although I have explored my bisexual side, it is not my goal to be promiscuous at the expense of my family. My hope was to tell my wife because I felt that hiding this knowledge would continue to widen a gulf between us.

Yes I made an error in judgement by cheating on her, and I regret it....but I think it was something that has made me more aware of who I am and what I want.

I want to be loved the way I am, and I don't want to hide.

Since this post I have told her about my sexuality, I also told her that I am able to be monogamous and want to work on our marriage. Unlike some fortunate people on the site, she will not accept the fact that I could consider being with a man...so we are separating.

Anyway I wanted to share this because I feel my experience can help others who are going through some similar issues. I am not perfect, nor am I a monster.

All the best,

[jazzer]

Hi BiTen my wife and and I read your post and felt very sorry for the situation you now find yourself in. I only acted on my bisexual feelings very late in life (59yr) and only after I shared my feelings with my wife. All our kids are adults now and have left home, basically there is no way we would have involved ourselves in the MMF threesomes we now enjoy with kids at home. Coming out to my wife worked with me, but I have heard some horror stories on here, where the outcome has resulted in a total breakdown of a marriage and I know that is not what you want.
If I had to choose between being with a guy or being with my wife, she would always be my first choice, as I can live without the other if I had to. On the other hand I suspect your attraction to men is very strong and sooner or later you will have to make the choice, tell your wife and risk all or do what a lot of guys do and that is cheat. Lousy choices, but that is pretty much it.
Our solution was to invite another guy into our marriage and that has worked for us, but of course your wife would have to be comfortable with that idea and she would also have to know you are bisexual. :2cents:

[Mrs.F]

Bi ten,
My heart goes out to you! My heart also goes out to your wife. I can understand her feelings. You know how I found out about my husband and I"m so glad that he didn't "cheat" on me with another man. If he had, he may be sitting in the same boat as you. I don't know that I could/would have been able to accept that. Knowing he's bi now and knowing he can be with just me and be happy, along with me trying to understand a part of him I never knew existed is what's getting us through this. I guess I'm old fashioned and believe that when you marry, you marry that person to stay with "only" that person. I have no advice for you. I can only wish you luck through this hard time. You've done alot for me and I wish the best for you!
(I"m glad you told her-she had a right to know) :2cents:

Leslie

[Luston]

Bi-ten: firstly I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out with your wife.

As a 23 year old who is single, I don't really understand your situation as well as other people here can.

What I would like to say, however, is how helpful it has been to hear your story. I haven't come out to anyone, and for the last year I've been wondering if I should repress my feelings. But reading your post, I know that I have to be honest with myself, and with anyone I get into a relationship with. If I don't, it is clear that it will make things harder later on in life.

I'm not sure how my future will pan out. I would like to settle down with a girl some day and have children; and I'm not sure how the bi thing will affect that. But I am now totally clear that honesty and openess is the ONLY way forward.

Again, I thank you; and I hope that you and your wife get through this and make the most of the rest of your lives.

[Sparks]

:2cents: First of all, don't come out until YOU are ready. The ramifications can be far reaching, and potentiially brutal to you and your family. You will always have our counsel and support here. My advice? Out yourself to a professional first, in the safety of his/her office. A one on one disclosure of your feelings with someone who won't judge you is critical for you right now.

In other words, test the waters in a safe envionment before you fess up to your wife and family. The best we can do for you here is to give you our comfort, support and friendship. Please, seek the guidance of a trained third party before you move any further on this. It's my heartfelt belief that you'll be glad that you did. Take it one day at a time. I hope that my words have helped. Take good care.

[Bi-ten]

Hi Luston,

I am so happy to hear your thoughts on this. In my mind you are already far ahead of many people who cannot live the way they really need to. Either because they are trapped in a lifestyle, they fear persecution, or they simply have too much to lose.

I was speaking to a very wise person recently who descibed this type of existance as living in 'black and white'.

Society expects us to conform to certain comfortable norms, often these norms are one way or another. For example you are in love or you're not, you are gay or you're straight, you are a cheater or you aren't...I could go on and on.

As a bisexual person I know for sure the world is not black and white, or else how do I expain my extra-ordinary condition? So you and I have a choice, we can either hide our feelings away in the world of black and white and fit right in... or we can choose to live a full and colourful life.

I think we have made our choice, to live and love in technicolour. To give all that we are honestly and seek out those that will love us the way we are.

I know your search may not be an easy one, but I believe if you find the right person it will be worth while.

I am hoping the best for you,