How do you know?

[NothingToSeeHere]

Question for all those married or in long relationships with straight people.

Currently, I'm going thru a self discovery phase on my bisexually. Easy by NO stretch of the imagination (duh, look where I'm posting!). However, I've been involed with my girl for about 7 years now and I want to move on to the next step (about time, huh?).

But I'm worried. She (now) knows that I like sex with a man (never did it, but it turns me on). She is willing to explore more roll playing / sexual acts and I'm excited about that. My question is this (again, those who are BI married to straight partners):

How do you know you won't one day wake up and say "I can't take it"? Or "faking sexual experiences" with her (i.e. strap-ons, etc) won't just become boring and old and you yearn for the real thing?

I know that there are no guarantees in life, but some seem very confident that this scenerio wouldn't happen to them. Just curious ....

(EDIT: For the record, I love her like nothing else in my life. I just want to make sure I don't pull her along for a ride that she can't win.)

[julie]

....well i was bi and married to a straight (allegably!) partner. Our relationship(or rather our total lack of a loving open and honest relationship) NOT my sexuality was the reason we finally separated

i am now with a male bisexual partner.... at times we both ache for same sex contact but, because our relationship is relatively new, we are are trying to transcend gender and focus more on building on what unites us rather than what we are physically unable to offer each other... and sometimes, especially for him, this is bloody hard work!

....firstly, i find it helpful to remember when facing such dilemmas, that the only true certainty in life is death!

....today, you and your partner are both quite interested in exploring your bisexual feelings a little further between yourselves... i suspect that is pretty much as good as it gets for now! neither of you know, for sure, how your feelings may change in the future... you only have your past and present experiences as a guide to how you two function together...

and considering that after seven years you two are still pretty loved up and ready for new adventures... well just maybe your real dilemma is:- do you play it safe or risk exploring the new horizons you are both quite excited by..

.... just remember that honesty is key and to disclose your (worse case scenario) fears to your girlfriend will help her make an informed decision about her own choices and perhaps liberate her to open up about her own fears too?....

i wish you both well, wherever you go from here...

Julie :female: x

[Herbwoman39]

Oh Goodie! You're in the same boat I'm in!

I'm the Bi one and hubby is straight. We've been married 8 and a half years and we've got a really successful marriage. We talk about *everything* and I do mean that.

I was not fully conscious of my bisexual self until 2 years ago. When I finaly came to the realization that I wasn't just admiring women as artwork anymore, Hubby was the first person I came out to. He's been wonderful and supportive of the exporation of this part of myself.

I am monogamous because I've chosen to be that way. He's given me a great deal of leeway though. I look at porn, I read profiles and occasionally even email women. We're both of the mind that if I ever DO find a woman that I want to lose my other virginity to, we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it. And one day we might. But she has to be the right lady.

Sure, there are days I wake up and I REALLY want to be with a woman. So I use my coping mechanisms mentioned above. That's how I stay monogamous. Fantasy, deep breathing and reminding myself that I have a good man who should, in all honesty, qualify for sainthood with all the crap he's put up with.

It's not always easy, but it can be done when you make the choice.

[canuckotter]

It's not always easy, but it can be done when you make the choice.

Yarr. I agree. :)

My wife and I are both bi, so the situation isn't quite the same... but we're monogamous, so the problem's pretty much the same. Can you stay monogamous when you're bi? The answer is... well, honestly, it's "maybe". It's up to you. For some bisexuals, it's virtually impossible. If you've made it seven years without going insane, you're probably not in that camp. ;) So then it comes down to coping mechanisms, as Herbwoman said. For me, just visiting this site a couple times per week is enough to really help, and when that's not enough a little porn takes care of things for me. :) Everybody has different ways of dealing with it.

[NothingToSeeHere]

Oh Goodie! You're in the same boat I'm in!

Thank you Herbwomen! (And everyone else, for that matter)

Sounds like your man is a good one, much like my girl is. She is absolutely supportive in every way and wants to help me help myself ... even if that means she cannot be in my life (She is my angel directly passed down from Heaven ... I don't know what I did to deserve her)

I suppose the answer to my question lies in more of how the RELATIONSHIP is (is it honest? YES. Are we faithful? YES. Are we accepting? YES.), not necessarily the person. I don't have to lie, I don't have to be ashmed (I still am, but I'm working on that ... I only "came out" { is that still the term in the bi-community? } a week or 2 ago) and I have her full support.

My girl is starting to say things like "Well, I couldn't introduce a person into our relationship right now, but down the road, who knows?". I just worried that she is SO crazy in love with me that she is willing to concede things that she really doesn't want to.

It'd be nice if I could PM you sometime to get some more of your thoughts ... maybe I can help you? (doubt it, but I can try :P )

[hihello]

Dude, just take the pressure of yourself. Dont take yourself so seriously and laugh a bit more, you'll feel so much better. Your partner, from your description, is willing to explore this with you. Years from now, if things have progressed to the point where role play and strap-ons aren't working for you, by that time, if you have continued to evolve together as a couple, the issue will have been long since adressed. Then as a couple, you can decide if inviting another is good for you both. You have been together for 7 years. That can be very positive, in the fact that compatibility is present. However, exploring this further by yourself could be very healthy for you and your partner: in an effort to remove the anxiety and what ifs from the equation. Just because you are bi doesn't mean you have to be with two people or unfaithful. All sexualities have those amongst them that cheat and those that are monogamous, and those that are poly etc etc. Just keep communicating with your partner but dont obcess, dont let this define the relationship. Smile, you'll be alright regardless of the outcome.