How many otherwise 'straight' actually take action and find a buddy?

[stephmtl]

Firstly, I just want to say how much I appreciate this site. Great to be able to have this conversation with people in a similar situation.
One thing I'm curious to hear about is how many of you - male or female- have a regular bud that you play with? and how many just keep a fantasy to "protect" your straight life? This is a line that I have been crossing throughout my married life. But never comfortably. Currently I have a bud but I am also feeling some guilt.. I know being open about it is not something that will work. And I love and want to take care of my wife.

[KDaddy23]

I would suppose that a lot of "otherwise straight" guys get tired of sitting on the bench and take action to (a) take the plunge and (b) hopefully, with an established buddy. The harsh truth is that married bisexuals, both male and female, will do whatever they feel they must do in order for them to take action, they feel guilty about it but what other options are there short of giving up on taking action... forever?

Not many. Being open for many isn't an option; I can imagine that having a "buddy fantasy" can protect or provide a little "comfort" but I can also imagine that having such a fantasy can get old fairly quickly and the call to action... makes sense. Why imagine sucking dick when you can actually suck dick? In this, I advocate think first, then act if you must or if you can. And if you can't, I guess all that remains is fantasy. I personally don't have a point of reference because I haven't been straight since I was eight years old and as a married adult, I had (and still have) permission.

But I've given many an adult male his first experience because they have need to take action and more so when even if only in their thoughts and feelings, they're not really all that straight because it's not just what you do: It's also about what goes on in your head as well and, yeah, thinking and doing are not always the same thing and as many guys find and... thinking's not enough. Time to do and, for some, by any means necessary. I'd never tell a guy to go ahead and cheat on his lady, but the truth is a lot of guys do because for them, there are no other options... and it's better to beg forgiveness.

I'll say to you that if you've crossed that line, then own it. If it causes discomfort and guilt, well, get over it because you chose to cross the line and you own this, too, and it's part of the consequences of your actions. I get it, though - make no mistake. A man's gotta do what he has to do. Don't get caught. Take care of your wife and love her with all your heart and soul. I have permission and I own it because I have to and I still have love my wife because I do love her... but when I need dick, I'm getting it and I'm not ever going to feel bad about it because, it's just me, but it doesn't make sense to feel guilty about something you wanted to do and guilt will eat you alive.

[stephmtl]

Wow. Thanks for such a thorough response. Lots of truth there for me to consider... Thanks!

[Jozyxt]

I have one FWB. We get together about every two weeks. I look for other guys but it is nice to have a regular too. Even though he doesn't seem to care, I always tell him when I have been with someone else. I think it is important to be fully open about sex so he can make fully informed decisions about risks. I find it hot to talk about it too. ALthough he mostly doesn't want to hear it.

I don't talk with my wife about any of this. She and I haven't had sex since for years. That was the main impitus for me to start practicing sex with men.

[Sundazzled]

I'm told there exists a large and underreported group of men who identify as straight, but occasionally enjoy sex play with other guys. I dare say I fit very neatly into that category.

Now, I'll concede to occasionally fantasizing about guy-on-guy sex as a young adult, but I rather assumed those fantasies would remain in the fantasy world. That all changed rather precipitously in 2005 when a bout with cancer cost my wife her left breast, both ovaries, and all future interest in sexual intimacy. She told me that the sexual aspect of our marriage was effectively over, and I should just get used to it. Well, at 50 years old, I was hardly ready to hang up my sexual spurs. After a year of no sex save for the self-service variety) it became apparent I would need a secondary outlet, and exploring my bi side suddenly seemed, for many reasons, a viable option.

First, the odds of finding a woman interested in a sexual relationship with a married, middle aged man seemed long to non-existent. More to the point, sex with a woman would have felt too much like cheating. On the other hand, sex play with another guy seemed more innocuous; just two open minded guys helping one another satisfy certain unmet needs. Ultimately, I began seeking out and exploring guys with marital situations similar to mine. It made sense, really. Who knows better what feels good to a man than another man? Who knows better how to pleasure a penis than a guy who actually owns one?

Since late 2006, I've played with 14 or 15 different guys, and it's been something of a voyage of self-discovery. Most of those encounters have resulted in satisfying, sexual experiences. My only regret is that most of my experiences have also been somewhat tentative, generally short lived and occasionally once-and-done affairs that left me feeling kind of used and deceived. My preference would have been a special, ongoing friendship that existed both in and out of the bedroom. That, sadly, seems to have escaped me.

[KDaddy23]

Sundazzled said, "I'm told there exists a large and underreported group of men who identify as straight, but occasionally enjoy sex play with other guys. I dare say I fit very neatly into that category."

Sure - what's a blowjob between friends? Maybe give fucking a try. Lending each other a hand when jerking off? No prob. It's a guy thing that any guy can partake in if they want to and, I think as we're really beginning to see, it's not a sexuality thing: It's a sex thing. A lot of those guys will tell you that they're still straight because it's not something they do all of the time, a statement that I still believe relates to being gay but if homey still believes that he's straight, um, not really gonna argue with him if we "occasionally" have sex with each other, you know, to help a friend in his time of need and all that good stuff. If you don't mind, I'm not going to mind all that much.

Can't count how many times I've been hanging with the bros, the booze and weed is flowing and someone, invariably, will say, "Man... I wouldn't mind getting my dick sucked right about now!" and dicks are coming out and getting sucked, cum that didn't get swallowed is flying all over the place and... let's keep this to ourselves, okay? And it doesn't mean anyone is gay, right? Right! Just some guys doing what guys are known to do... and who's ready to go again?

It was always fine if you got "repeat business" from a guy and it made sense; I give you one hell of a blowjob, why not come back for another one? Even then, it didn't mean anything, i.e., we've been doing this "off and on" for a couple of months but it doesn't mean that either of us are gay. Most repeat business came from guys who weren't getting any pussy but when they did, I wouldn't see them again for this until the pussy well ran dry again. As long as it didn't start to look or feel like a relationship, I see now that it wasn't a sexuality thing - but definitely a convenient sex thing. Your old lady not of a mind to blow you? You know that I'll do it and I've "taught" you that sucking dick ain't bad and is a lot of fun. Just two open-minded guys being guys - nothing to see here, nobody's gay... but bisexual? I'd say so even if only situationally.

[Rest85]

I'm an 'otherwise straight' guy who is orally bi. I had been curious for some time about what it would be like to suck another man off. I passed on a few opportunities when younger out of fear of exposure, but when I finally was in what I considered a safe, discreet setting where no one I knew would find out, I satisfied my curiosity (at 29 yrs old).
It was more enjoyable than I could have imagined, and I have been doing it off and on for many years.
I don't have a regular. I have always either cruised a local spot or connected with guys online, (CL and DL). Part of the allure o serving another man's hard cock orally is that I do keep it secret. It turns me on to sneak to suck another man's dick. My manner is that of a straight man and I honestly would only ever want a relationship with a woman, but when I am submitting myself to a man, I love the role of sub to his dominance and I like to verbally express my kinky love of dick when I am in my closeted role.

So, yes, put me down as an otherwise 'straight' man who finds buddies to be a cocksucker for.

[KDaddy23]

Methinks that "otherwise straight" implies that the guy isn't all that straight. It can probably be said that bi guys are "otherwise gay" given how we like to have sex with men. Okay, if you consider "traditional thinking" in this, you're either 100% straight or you aren't. It's not unusual for a straight guy to think about cocksucking; I wouldn't find it unusual for a straight guy to decide that he's going to check this out - and why he's looking to take action depends on some stuff. Depending on the outcome of the action taken, maybe he wants more, maybe not; maybe he's okay "occasionally" sucking dick with guys he feels are okay or maybe he just wants to stick with the guy who he first did this with - or hunt for a suck buddy - and if either of those guys are down for it.

If our now not-all-that-straight guy can find a like-minded buddy, fine. Maybe he does, him and his buddy are off and running blowing each other's brains out and if he still believes that he's straight - and usually because it's not something he'd do all of the time - well, um, okay dude - whatever you say. It could be a sex thing but not necessarily a sexuality thing. Conventional thinking goes like this: If you do it once, yeah, you can say that you're still straight because even grown men "experiment." If you get a buddy and y'all are going for it - and no matter when you do - um, yeah, if you say that you're straight, people are going to look at you funny and even I would be thinking, "Hmm... he's not all that straight anymore."

So, with respect to Rest85, nope - if you've been at this with buddies, you're not "otherwise straight" - but, then again, a lot of people forget that bisexual men are also heterosexual men because they only look at the homosexual things we may do, oh, like, spending another Saturday afternoon with your suck buddy. But if our respected member believes that he's still straight, okay, because at the end of any day, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks: The only thing that matters is what you​ think you are in this.

[wifekinky4husband]

We have regular couples we have sex with. No one outside our group. I am straight in my preference in that I prefer men over women. My husband is straight in that he prefers women over men but we are both bi when it comes to acts of sex. When I was first introducing him to the bi couples/bi sex/ bi sex acts I thought he was trying to protect his status as straight but he was and still is attracted to me/females. He loves sucking cock with me, taking cum, and getting fucked in the ass, says they are amazing experiences but would be fine with just me.

[Neonaught]

We have regular couples we have sex with. No one outside our group. I am straight in my preference in that I prefer men over women. My husband is straight in that he prefers women over men but we are both bi when it comes to acts of sex. When I was first introducing him to the bi couples/bi sex/ bi sex acts I thought he was trying to protect his status as straight but he was and still is attracted to me/females. He loves sucking cock with me, taking cum, and getting fucked in the ass, says they are amazing experiences but would be fine with just me.

I agree with your husband: I enjoy men but if I were stranded on a deserted island and could have only one willing sex partner, I'd chose a female.

[querty]

To the original question, this guy did! And I am happy I did as I have had virtually all good experiences and I know that if I hadn't I would have retgreted it.

I'm still actively looking for a couple more guys in addition to my one buddy so that I can get with a guy more frequently

[Fzmr9t]

I?ve been searching for the ?one? true FWB buddy, but that hasn?t panned out and so the search continues. There have been some that I?ve seen multiple times, but none that have lasted for whatever reason

[TRICK69]

I have tried but most have fizzled out, or they just want to do it right away. Sorry i can not do that i need to meet and talk to you first and go from there. Who knows you might not like me.

[bibliss]

Don't know if I can answer your question specifically -- except to say, you're not alone.

I have been exploring my sexuality as a bi man for over 30 years. The older I get, the more comfortable in my own skin I become.

Especially with maturity and more experience, I've discovered how much I can enjoy sex with other men. And yet, I still adore women -- you could say I even worship certain members of that gender.

I find sex between men can be more hard and raw and intense. But it can also be tender and sweet and heart-felt, often in delightfully surprising ways. I'm not talking about romance here -- I'm talking about connecting with another human being. I believe of all the orientations, bisexual men are in the best position to explore this contrast, more than men who identify as strictly gay.

Early on, I recall having this fear that if I explored with other men, I would "turn" gay. Well, here I am, decades later, and I'm still wild about women.

Bottom line: mostly straight men need more safe spaces to explore being sexual with other men. Period. Without such safe spaces, there's really no hope for making connections with other like-minded folks.

We need more places that understand that men with other men is no more "gay" than straight married women being with other women at swinger's parties makes them "lesbian" -- it's absurd.

[KDaddy23]

My question is... is finding a buddy mandatory?

[licyou69]

I'm mostly straight, but enjoy sucking cock now and then. I don't want men as companions, so nobody needs to know about what I'm doing in my bedroom.

[phalluster]

I’m a married man who has a long standing interest in homosexual sex. I tried it long before I was married and have dabbled in it since. My dabbling has mostly been getting blown in gloryholes; none of the cocks have been in my mouth. As we’ve matured my wife has far less desire for sex and I’m as horny as ever. And as with most men on this forum, I’ve become more desirous of man to man sex.
I got really close to connecting with a guy I chatted with online, and before I did realized that although being with a man seems less like cheating on my wife than being with a woman, it is really no different. So, stephmtl I understand where you are coming from. I totally understand why you crossed the line - and why you feel some guilt about it. I also know that my wife would not be accepting so understand your feeling that this is not something you feel you can discuss with her.
I don’t know if that is helpful at all since I’ve chosen to fall on the other side of the line than you did. I do think it is really great to have a forum to share these feelings with others.

[stephmtl]

Thanks phalluster. Thoughtful reply. I think you're right. That doing it on the DL is the same decision whether it is a man or woman. It's an odd mental trick I sometimes do to pretend that it is not. Self deception. Really. Thanks for response. So have you decided not to act on your interest in other men? Just love with the lack of sexual contact?

[sissyjackie]

Before I meet my wife of 43 years, I had lots of gay sex. My wife is the 4th women I ever was with. After we got married I stopped with other men. About 15 years ago she stop enjoying sex after menopause. About 10 years ago got tired of my hand hooked up with a guy. We exchanged blow jobs for about a year then he moved. Found another married guy in the same boat as me. When we find the time we have full blown sex kissing hugging everything including anal I am the bottom

[KDaddy23]

I very much remember quite a few straight guys in a relationship who said that if they did something with a guy, it wasn't cheating... and some women, back then, agreed that it wasn't since cheating supposedly only happened between opposite sexes. Self-deception, of course. Some guys who got busted would plead their case that because there was no fucking involved, they didn't do anything wrong and definitely didn't cheat on their partner. As I recall, two such guys were buddies with each other and "got away" with it for years because since they were best friends, no one suspected a thing.

[Luv3wayfun]

Well, although publicly I act straight I can never say truthfully that I am straight. I’ve been a cocksucker ever since I was 15 and found out I could get half the head of my dick in my mouth. At 19 I started having sex with men and although I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman for almost 17 years we split up in 2016… and I happily started connecting with couples that like bi play. Also had just MM sex too. I happen to love the way my mouth feels when I find a cock and then when I wrap my lips around it.
Love the taste of precum too, mine or someone else’s.

[phalluster]

Just love with the lack of sexual contact?
My wife and I do still have sex. Probably 3 times per month. And she almost always orgasms when we do. So not a sexless marriage like many older men on the forum. Although that is not nearly enough orgasms for me, I think there is a big difference in my insufficient sex marriage and others no sex marriage.
Having said that, what I really want is for my wife to really understand that my need to cum almost every day is not abnormal at all, and that me masturbating is not abnormal or perverted. The fact that I pretty much only bate to gay porn is not something I would ever be able to discuss with her.

[BackyardShaman]

I only have male on male sex with one friend and it’s been awhile, but I like and trust him and I suck him off, he sucks me and if we can manage it and have time he fucks me, he doesn’t want to be fucked. So I’m sort of this way myself. Honestly I may not see him again I get off on transsexual porn when I have time.

[ExploringTampa]

I’ve never taken action. I’ve done dirty talk online and exchanged pics before, but I’ve never physically been with another guy. That would be a big step for me, and I’d have to know that the guy was able to respect boundaries and be discreet. Preferably with another guy who needed the same from me. I think part of it is, I have a lot of experience vibing with women. I know the cues and it’s easy for me to pick up on when a woman is interested. I don’t have that same experience with men, so if another bi/straight guy was subtly interested, I probably wouldn’t notice. (I suspect this happens a lot for guys in my position, which is a shame, ha ha). And of course, there’s the risk that if you misread the signals and make a move on the wrong guy, he might not be all that understanding about it and get physical in a NOT fun way. So, bottom line, before I fool around with someone, I need to be attracted to them, feel safe, and know they are going to be discreet and fun about it. I do hope it happens sometime. I know it would be hot.

[Lemonade1184]

I haven’t taken any action in over 20 years.

However, after some discussions with my wife about wanting to spice things up a bit we have decided to open things up. We love each other but have appetites outside of each other. The only ground rule is that we both have to be safe. She knows what I have been craving and said it’s perfectly fine for me to go out and have fun. I have been messaging with an old friend from high school and he and I are meeting up next week for what should be a bunch of fun.