first time issue

[Jrandom214]

Hey everyone, first time poster here and I've got a slight predicament. I'd appreciate any advice you might have.

Last night I had my first experience with another guy. We met online, chatted for a while and then decided to meet in a clearing in the woods near his place. It was about 2:30 AM when we both got there.

The encounter had everything going for it: outdoors, late night, little risk of being caught, mutual attraction. We started playing around with each other and I was really getting into it.

Then I had a problem; I just couldn't reach orgasm. He was very. very skilled orally and I was defintiely enjoying the experience. I just couldn't get over the final hill, so to speak.

We tried a few different things and eventually he came, but I never could. It wasn't anxiety or guilt or anything that was holding me back. I can't figure it out. It reminded me of the Sex and The City episode where Kim Cattrall "lost" her orgasm.

As background, I am 26, in shape, no medical conditions and I haven't had a sexual encounter (before last night) with anyone in probably 5 years. The experience back then was a one-time encounter. Yes, I know that's a long time. It was a combination of an insane work schedule, living with the parents and coming to terms with wanting to stare at people in both locker rooms at the gym. Now, I've changed jobs and moved out on my own.

Is it possible that I'm just so used to getting myself off that my body doesn't know how to handle it when someone else is with me? I know that every guy has a favorite sure-fire routine to get himself off, but maybe I am too used to it after all this time. Is it possible that people have to learn how to let other people please them?

It's very confusing, even more confusing than when I realized I was attracted to guys. Here I've been fantasizing and watching porn on the subject for years, and when it finally happens, it doesn't go as I'd thought it would.

The whole situation hasn't hurt my self-confidence or made me depressed. However, I'd really like to know if anyone else has had something like this happen. I'd like to be prepared for the next time I'm with someone.

[SimplyAngelzz]

wow you must have felt so bad, how did he react?

I would say that it was the nerves of having your first experience with a guy, don't let it get to you.. not every sexual experience can be satisfying, sometimes it just doesn't work.
Maybe next time try a more relaxed place to meet someone?

goodluck!

[LadyLyri]

I actually had a guy friend tell me just that, about himself... that he had developed a particular masturbation technique over the years, become accustomed to it, and had trouble getting off with others.

Women who use vibrators can develop a similar problem, where the clitoris becomes so used to that type and power of stimulation that they basically become desensitized to anything else. I have noticed this a little bit with myself.

I don't know if it holds true for men (though it makes sense that it would), but the "cure" for women (or so I've read) is to completely stop using a vibrator for a period of time, until sensitivity goes back to where it was. I haven't tried it... I just use a mini vibe on my clit when I have intercourse. Maybe you could try to avoid masturbating for a while (I know, it's hard!)

Good luck figuring it out!

[TrimBeardHairyBod]

Hi Jrandom214

I agree with SimplyAngelzz; nerves were very likely the reason you didn't reach orgasm. If you think about it, you did put yourself under a great deal of pressure to perform. And, you didn't go into the encounter with any particular insight into the guy and his needs.

In this age of instant everything, it's easy to forget that human relationships (in the broadest sense of the term) still evolve at the same slow incremental rate.

In future, it might be worth exchanging a few e-mails first and then when you do meet, do so on the understanding that you're only there to talk, the first time.

And PLEASE, don't consider yourself a failure in any way. There's no reason at all why your confidence should be dented!


John

[wellred]

Hello Jrandom214,

I believe you are wise to ask others about your experience, because this is situation is far from rare. Your description sounds like you made some careful choices about finding a setting that was comfortable to you. And I am pleased that you did not let this occurrence diminish your spirits.

Many factors determine whether a normal, healthy fellow reaches organism...alcohol, stress, lack of sleep, simply not the right type of stimulation at that moment in time, and so forth.

Your situation is not unusal. Personally, I have come to enjoy the process of sex, maybe more than the organism itself. My friend, Roger, taught me a valued life lesson. When he does woodworking, his favorite part is sanding...he enjoys the process. Before talking with him, I always viewed sanding as a necessary evil to get to the finished product. Now I understand and find value in sanding, too.

The same philosophy now applies to sex for me. I don't seek the finished phased, but rather relish in the joys of touching and being touched. The process is my turn-on, not the climax (though when that happens, it is wonderful to share that experience with others, too.)

If I read your situation correctly, you seem somewhat inexperienced in sexual situations with others. So you have much to build into an exciting future.

You are correct that self-stimulation can become comfortable and easily recognizable to the body, which may lead to some difficulty in reaching organism by another's touch.

As well intentioned as LadyLyri's abstence advice is, I recommend a different approach because I believe that avoiding orgasms (via mastrubation) will only increase their significance. I suggest that you may want to stimulate yourself with a variety of techniques... alternate hands, different postures, different fantasies, different visual stimulization, stroking various parts of your body (not just your magic wand), etc. Teach your body not to expect the same stimulation every time.

I also agree with John's advice about your first meeting being limited to only talking to your proposed partner. Taking pressure off that first meeting let's you get to know each other and what turns you both on. You might find that the familiarity causes you to gain an increased comfort level and allows you to relax more into sex.

Go with the flow, man. Enjoy!

- Red

[Jrandom214]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice!

Over-enthusiasm and inexperience may have clouded my judgement. I had several incorrect assumptions that evening. It looks like I have much to learn about relationships and connecting with people. Which is good! It's a whole new field of study for me.

Again, thanks for the support!

[psgoodguy]

it's hard to say. i'd chalk it up to first time jitters. pluse, being in the out of doors there is always that anxiety of getting caught that may have been lurking in the back of your mind.

maybe next time you could try meeting someplace first...a coffee shop or a bar and chatting a bit to give yourselves some time to get comfortable and over the jitters. also, having an actual bed to do it in might help you out some. maybe start with a nice long soapy shower to get the chance to explore and to get really aroused.

there's something to be said for a quick, furtive blow job. but having the time and space to get naked together and really explore might help you pop that load the next time.

[Indy-Paul]

I agree with other posters that inexperience, anxiety, etc. could all explain your predictament the other night.
But to address one of your questions, human sexual response is nearly infinite. While there are "norms" (scientifically/medically), there is no normal. As you note, most of us have that something special that sends us over the top, and even those who are masters at cocksucking might not know what your's is, unless you tell him & direct him. So yeah, in order to get what we like done to us, one must usually communicate it openly to his partner.
Second, you might be onto something with your question about being use to jerking yourself off & being use to that amount of stimulation. While I dont often hear it openly discussed among men -- probably because blow jobs are often described in terms of being the ultimate sexual nirvana, is the fact that there are a lot of men for whom oral stimulation simply isn't enough stimulation to reach orgasm. So if in your encounter the other night, your cock was fully erect and you were enjoying having him work your shaft and head over with his mouth and tongue, but you just couldn't cum, it's possible that you just weren't getting enough stimulation to get you off. It wouldn't be that unusual, and look at it this way --- keeping a full erection and not cumming, is a hell of a lot better problem to have than premature ejaculation.
My advice is to totally put it out of your mind. When you have the opportunity to repeat your experience, simply enjoy the feelings of having a warm and wet mouth working over your cock. Worrying about whether you will cum or not almost guarantees that you won't.
More importantly, if you don't cum while he's actually going down on you, so what? It doesn't matter --- if after awhile you're ready for a climax, have him finish you off with his hand or you can ask him to watch while you do it for yourself. (Plus, as far as safe sex goes, neither you nor your sex partner should come in the other's mouth unless you're positive that the other person is HIV-).

[hypershot]

Well, I lost my straight viginity at the age of 18...I didnt come that first time. And further more it took me another 6 months, at least, of having sex, before I did start to come from it.

I had my first mm experience not so long ago, and although I reached orgasm from it, I never actually came.

My ex (gf) was the best ever at bjs, but again I've never come from one. The only way I can come now is through intercourse, or playing with myself, because like you said, I got used tyo getting myself off.

I think, to be honest, it's a confidence problem, as soon as you are 100% at ease urself, and ur sexuality (and maybe even ur relationship with someone) then you'll be able to have many more orgasms in that sense.

Hope that helps,

Love Chris
xXx

[jo69guy]

Another thought, may be medications. I have had a steady partner for a few years, but when I took a certain anti-depressant, I had a very hard time achieving orgasm, even when masturbating. It was bad enough that I stopped taking the drug. :2cents:

[Chris CT]

Here's another possible insight.

What about trying to find a more conventional relationship? Rather than sex in the woods at 2:30 AM with someone you've never seen before, why not try spending some time in the daylight with someone that you find attractive? Check out how he speaks and what he's interested in. Look at how he moves and what's interesting about his body when he's dressed. Talk about sex and get everything out in the open, including the fact that you don't cum easily. Then, when you are ready, undress each other and just play and explore without the expectation of an orgasm. Enjoy the body contact. My guess it that you'll really be turned on by seeing and touching - especially when your partner understands that you may not be able to cum easily. If you really are enjoying the encounter, suggest that you'd like to masturbate while he is there and you can see him. Let him watch you and encourage you. You may not be able to cum the first time doing that but if your partner has any interest in you, he'll be open to meeting again and with each meeting, you'll become more relaxed. And think of how you'll both feel when you are able to cum with him the first time.

I know this is all very idealistic but what I've described is the way straight people get to know each other sexually. In the strictly straight world, couples rarely meet the first time and sucessfully fuck in the woods on the first date.

Your problem is probably much more common than you would think. The Internet makes it so much easier to express your fantasies at the keyboard and then meet and have to perform instantly. Good sex isn't just performing and it certainly isn't performing with a complete stranger.

Sorry for the idealism, but I've been there and done that.

Chris

[mike9753]

I would agree with all th eopinions expressed so far, but one item has not been mentioned and you aluded to briefly. It is the use of porn. I don't know how much you watch, but I have heard that many men who watch porn may have some performance difficulties when they are with real people. Porn isn't real. But too much exposure to it creates unreal expectations. Too much exposure to visual porn followed by masturburbation sets up an association that is often times difficult to overcome.
Mike

[csrakate]

I can't help but believe that even though you found it safe and exciting, having sex in the woods at 2:30am with a total stranger would have to add a certain level of anxiety that may have prevented you from cumming. Of course, not being a man, I can't speak from personal experience, but I do believe that the brain is a very important organ in sex and if your brain isn't functioning, then the other equipment isn't gonna pick up the slack. Like some of the others said, try another approach...meet first, have a conversation face to face and take it from there. And perhaps you aren't really cut out for secretive, woodsy sex....the leaves and sticks alone would have distracted anyone, not to mention bugs, and other critters...(but of course I am talking like a girl here)!! LOL! I certainly wouldn't dwell on this first experience and I certainly wouldn't keep recalling it as a failure...that won't help you move on and find a more satisfying conclusion to your next tryst. Good luck to you and I hope you find what you're looking for.

Kate :tong:

[mike9753]

I'd also say that a situation like this is not safe - even if you used condoms and were safe from an STD standpoint, it's easy to get rolled at 2:30 AM in teh park.

Be careful!

Mike

[Damon]

Something that Chris CT touched on in his july 27th post in this topic made me think of a possible reason you did not reach orgasm.

It is my experience that when I perform a sexual act or a sexual act is being performed on me "while I'm standing" it takes soooo much longer for me to come. Yet when I am comfortable (sitting, lying) it only takes a fraction of the time.

It's not something everyone thinks about but I feel it may be a crucial factor in what happened that night Jrandom214.

Test it out again, this time in more comfortable surroundings.. hell, bring a blanket to the woods with you next time :)

hope this helps..

Damon

[jabgic]

I also have trouble reaching orgasm during oral sex. most people do not have the stamina to get me off orally. I worried about this for a while. It was a doctor friend of mine that explained what my problem was. I never have a problem reaching orgasm during intercourse and obviously I am able to masturbate to orgasm. thsi doctor friend of mine explained that during intercourse the movement of the hips stimulates the prostate also during masturbation most men tighten their butt muscles in much hte same way causing the same type of stimulation. this stimulation of the prostate brings about orgasm for me. While this type of stimulation of the prostate is not necessary for all men it is necessary for some. so to sum up in my case if I just lay back and enjoy the feeling of a god blow job with out moveing my hips or clenching my ass then I doo not cum. so try examining what you do during masturbation and see of there is some stimulation you use that wasn't present during your encounter with this man. the fact that you were aroused is evident that the situation itslef was not the cause of your inability to reach orgasm.