Looking for my label

[NothingToSeeHere]

First off, HI! I'm new!

(EDIT: Didn't mean for this to be so long; I've summed up my feelings at the end so skip ahead if you want :) )

Second off, I'm very depressed because I don't know what I am. I know labels are bad and can make you crazy, but I guess I need a little guidance and advice from those that know they are BI (especially those that are involed in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex)

A little history ...

Throughout my life, I've been looking at both gay and straight porn. Both excite me. However, when I was younger (I'm 28 now), I repressed my gay fantasies because ... well, you know; Tough to be a "cool kid" that wants to be anally penetrated. I've never had a sexual encounter with a man (ok, maybe some things when I was like 7 or 8, but I'm not chalking anything up to that). Therefore, even though I enjoyed gay porn, I'd always "think of something else" to get me off.

Fast foward to the present ....

I've been involved with my gf for about 7 years nows. She is my entire world; my motivation, my strength, and my conscious. We used to have great sex, but I find I'm less and less excited about the idea of making love with her. I also have many fetishes that she knows about but we don't partake in (i.e. ANAL! She knows I'm an anal freak, but we've only done the act about 3 or 4 times in 7 years). I've had "self-play" session since .... geez, has it been that long now? I remember my first object I put up there; I must have been about 10 or 11!?! That keeps me happy with that fetish.

So, all was good in my world because I can have sex with her, but my "dark" desires could be satisfied on my own. (NOTE: by "dark" I don't mean just anal, but enjoying many aspects of gay / transexual porn)

Recently, however, I feel like I'm changing. Something is wrong in me and I can't find it. However, I did notice that "gay" acts were much more exciting than "straight" acts (i.e. having anal sex with a man instead of vaginal sex with a women, oral sex on a women, etc)

I thought "ah, it will pass" but the other day I felt like I was on fire and just broke down. I didn't want to tell her; fear of "that's it" once I told her was too overwhelming. Again, she is my world, and that is also the reason I HAD to tell her because she deserves to know everything about me (like I do with her). We have been crying for the last 5 days and I don't see an end in site (I am going to see a pysch/priest ("gay" friendly that is) this weekend for some help)

I Haven't eatten in about 3 days, and the things I do eat get thrown up very quickly. I don't think gay or bi is wrong at all, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE I AM (straight is OBVIOUSLY out of the question). So, here are the facts, I'd like to here opionions so I can form my own answers:

- I've never been with a man.
- I've been in an exclusive relationship with a girl for the past 7 years. Before that, I had another 8-9 month relationship with another girl. That is the extent of my sexual experiences.
- I like both gay and straight porn
- Lately, gay porn is more intriging to me than straight.
- I do not like (nor never really had liked) lesbien porn.
- I could never have any type of amorous love with a man. I've tried to say to myself "Hey, nothingToSee, what about him? Could you?". The answer is always "NO". The thought of kissing a man, saying "I love you" is something I've never felt "was right" and still don't feel.
- I've never found a guy "hot" or myself being attracted to a REAL life person (I've checked out well-known "hot" guys; none of them do anything for me ... down there :) )
- I still find myself checking out women; they are so beautiful to me. I find that I will walk back-and-forth in an isle in a store that has an attractive women to keep checking her out.
- My fantasys with men are always faceless / silent ("you don't say anything and I won't. I only need things south-of-the-border.")
- My favorite gay porn is hot transexuals. (Sorry, don't mean to offend, I don't know if that is gay porn or lives in it's own category). However, the minute I see a "guy expression" I lose it; very fustrating to find good tranny porn!

That about sums it up. Wow, that was longer than I wanted.

Seaching for answers .....

[Fire Lotus]

There is nothing wrong with you and what you are feeling. There are many degrees of bisexuality and to what ever degree you feel or think you are, is fine.(This means whether you just fanasize or actually act on your desires. Also whether it's romantic feelings or just sexual. No wrong answer there.)There are people who are okay with/use labels and then there are other who don't. I think that's a personal opinion.

[chrissy69]

HI there, and welcome. I will admit to never posting a reply before, but after reading your story I just had too. This may be long too. lol

First off I can't tell you not to make yourself sick over this. But please try to calm youself, and take care of yourself too. You've been struggling for what seems to be a while, and I don't think you'll have a quick resolution to your feelings. This takes time. Understanding yourself is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. The second is accepting yourself for whatever it is you decide you are.

I will not go into my story, but know that you are not the only one that has felt this way, and not the only one that tried to label yourself. I think at one time or another we have all had to define ourselves with a label. Even when we were kids in school and we were jocks or metal heads. It doesn't matter what the topic. Just hang in there until you figure it out.

The beauty of walking around with a bi label...it really doesn't mean anything to be exact. You'll come to find that there are all different people with all different fantasies, likes and wants. And that's the best part. Just please know that these feelings are not bad, and they are not crazy, and you are not the only one trying to decide if you like men better, or women better, or how you like to be pleased sexually.

The last thing I'll say is to make sure you and your gf remain open and honest. And if you love her and she loves you being who you are won't be a problem. You might not stay together or this could bring you closer together. There are many of us who have spouses that have stayed with us even though we admit to having a thing for the same sex.

If you ever need someone to chat with know that you can pm me any time.

[miamiuu]

Part of the main reason I started calling myself bi was I started having feels for people of the same sex and didnt know why. After trying to figure out what I was i decided to just accept it cus I cant control what I feel about others sometimes it kind of just happens. So if i start feeling a certain way Ive learned to just accept it. Its not worth trying to argue with your feelings.

[Lorcan]

(I am going to see a pysch/priest ("gay" friendly that is) this weekend for some help)

Beware of pyschs who tell you that you are really gay and have to leave your girlfriend. Some people don't believe in BI. Some people believe you can be made straight.

All i'm saying is that if a person tries to convince you one way or the other, it's bad advice. YOU are the only one who can decide what you are. All a pysch can do is ask you mind-opening questions.

[DiamondDog]

There are many different types of bisexuality. I've seen guys post here and write about the same fantasies/things you've had about not wanting love with men just sex, or just wanting a man's penis, or a pre-op MTF (male transgender female). Also, lots of kids (myself included) got into anal sex (i.e. stimulation with fingers/objects, if we go by the definition of anal sex as being 'any stimulation of the anus for sexual means'.) as children.

Being bi isn't about what you do (i.e. anal sex) or the gender of who you've had/haven't had sex with. It's more about the fact that you desire sex with both genders.

My advice to you: keep searching for answers, questioning, and hang around here more and write more questions. Don't let people try to define you or pressure you. Our society has some really fucked up views around sexuallity and gender and I think it's best to try to figure out what feels right for you.

As far as myself, I was always attracted to both men and women for as long as I can remember and I started out attracted to guys and it didn't turn out to be a "phase" or something that I "got over" like my het friends that I did sexual play with as a kid/teenager. Also I would go through tons of feelings and wanting to

I've had periods where I thought I was gay and where I thought I was het but I know that I'm neither. I primarily think of myself as being just sexual, not using a label, or fluid but people don't get those labels, and that's why I use bi as a label.

[Long Duck Dong]

nothing to see here......

sit down with ya partner and read this

bisexuality has NO defining lines..... it is NOT a concrete aspect of anybodies personality.......trying to define yourself as gay or bi.. is a waste of time.... you are you with sexual attractions and fantasies

bisexuality is fluid... it changes all the times, and you and your partner have done NOTHING wrong

your relationship is solid and not in danger of falling apart.... and nor do you need ya head examined

if you want to, talk to your partner about dress up and role playing.... she can use a strap on on you, if you choose.. and its in the privacy of ya own home... and not our business...lol

now as a counsellor and therapist, I would define you as a silent bisexual.... the sexual attraction is there......you enjoy the sensation of anal penetration... but you are emotionally male and so you have the long relationships with ladies and thats fine.. and i would be very surprised if you went outside of your relationship for anal sex

I can call you a straight male with anal sex attractions... and thats perfectly within the norms of personality Identifiction

the attraction to the tranny style sex is fine... that is more emotional / mental attraction, which simply means that the idea of being with a tranny / gay male is stimulating and enjoyable.... but you are not about the furfill the connection in real life as the attraction is not there... so it comes a personal fantasy

hell... I fantasise about she males.... and would love a she male partner..... but if i had the chance in real life to follow it up... i would run.... I am not the type of person that functions well in relationships... and besides.... I hate she males that are better hung than me :tong: :tong: :tong:

[canuckotter]

NothingToSeeHere, you seem to really want a label to live with. That's fine. I'm not so big on labels myself, but sometimes you really need a starting point to work from, and something as simple as a label can give you that starting point. Once you have that starting point, it can be a lot easier to work things out and get yourself grounded and centered again.

So, your label? You are bi. Very much so. A perfectly normal, healthy bisexual. (Slightly wigged out at the moment, true, but apart from that. ;) )

As with anything else, bisexuality has nearly limitless variations (there are as many different versions of bisexuality as there are bisexuals) but if you still desire both sexes, you're bi in my books. The fact that you're not romantically interested in men is no problem at all, that's fairly common among bisexuals. And the fact that your tastes are changing is very common among bisexuals... It's a regular topic on here. :) Personally, depending on my mood, I can be anywhere from almost totally straight to pretty much equally attracted to both genders. Other people have major swings in attraction across their lifetimes (from almost totally gay to almost totally straight, or vice versa). So yes, you definitely fall within "bisexual" as far as I'm concerned.

OK, now you have your label. The next thing you need to do is calm down. Breathe in for a slow count of three, then breathe out for a slow count of three. Do that a couple times. While you're doing that, go through your body, working inwards from your feet and hands, and feel the tension in each muscle, and consciously allow that muscle to relax. If you know any other relaxation techniques, use those. It's all about relaxing your body, letting go of all that physical tension that's feeding into your stress level, which in turn is feeding into physical tension. Break that cycle. Once you've done that, you should hopefully be able to eat something. Get some good food in you, even if it's just soup, and have a good rest. Have a bit more food. You'll feel a hundred times better and you'll be in a lot better shape to deal with life.

[sep237]

Hey there.

You can read my own recent first-post in this community to see that I also have what I thought to be a unique situation that doesn't have a set label. I don't have the dilemma of having a partner to explain these feelings to, but what I think is what everyone here has pretty much said.

First, relax. You're not alone. That's what places like this offer - comfort in the fact that you're not a freak therefore no "freaking out" is required.

Second, I agree that more quiet, intimate discussion is necessary with your girlfriend. Is she open to the idea or is she very uptight? If your sex life is/was very good, maybe she would just be open to the idea of offering you some anal penetration, even just manually, during oral sex? I'd be willing to bet that if she's a sexually open kind of gal, that once she sees how it gets you off, she'd be willing to investigate other options. She doesn't have to be presented with the idea of you and another man if that's not something she'd condone or find comfortable. I'm sure from your description, you'd be more than happy with anal stimulation or maybe watching some MMF porn with her and having that lead to some action. If you decide later on to incorporate another man, that's up to the both of you but for now, I'd leave it at telling her how much you enjoy anal stimulation and how you'd like her to participate "to make your intimacy the best it can be".

As far as going to see a psych or a gay-friendly priest, that's an option but I would also extend the same caution that someone else offered about being on your guard. Myself, I was going to bring up my own sexuality issues in counseling but that's the sort of shit they pounce on, and I think I'm just more willing to let it form into whatever it wants to be on its own you know?

I hope you feel better reading all these replies. I know I did, and I'll extend another similar offer. If you ever want to send me a private message for chat with a woman who is very open and turned on by m/m intimacy, I'm around.

[NothingToSeeHere]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm glad I found a place where smart, considerate people are willing to help. Again, THANKS!

Feeling a little better today. I even eat a hamburger! WOOT. I know I'm not going to find the magic answer over night or from an internet forum, but I needed some others (with the same feelings I'm having) to perhaps open my mind to some possibilities that I'm having a hard time seeing right now.

I will keep everyone up-to-date on my feelings / discoveries.

YOU GUYS/GALS ROCK!

[NothingToSeeHere]

An update ...

I'm back eating and starting to think clearly again. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but feel like I know the way to get there.

My girl and I have become closer than I can ever remember. (I knew there was a reason I kept her around! LOL!). Kissing, holding her hand, snuggling; all those things are feeling *GOOD* again. We have decided that sex is out of the question for a while (and I'm finding myself going absolutely CRAZY about that ... and I like that). We want to work on friendship right now, something we have been ignoring for a while and didn't realize it.

I spoke w/ my priest and he was a wonderful, supportive man. No judgements made (he even told me he thought I may be bisexual!) and helped me open my mind to things I've been ignorning and didn't even realize I was. He didn't try telling me "I'm this. I'm that. You shouldn't this. You shouldn't that. etc,etc". He was just there to help me think about ways to interprete the disconnected thoughts in my head right now.

Also, I'm doing a lot of reading on bisexually and finding that is a good and bad thing (reading that is. Not bisexually in general). Good from the sense that I can come to places like this and gain support from smart people going thru the same things I am. Bad in the sense that I also read the "you are kidding yourself, you are gay" or "my wife and I tried working on it but in the end we divorced so save yourself the later-in-life headache and break up now" stories. I just have to take each one for what it's worth, and whatever the answer is IS totally up to me and my girl.

We are having conversations about sex that we've never talked about before and I'm finding she is very open to trying all kinds of new things. (I'll keep ya all updated ;) )

Most of all, I'm starting to feel like other aspects of my life were/are the problems right now, and this "fantasy life" (again, I've never been with a man so I can only imagine what it is like) was my way to escaping it all. But, I know that sex with a man/woman doesn't change the fact that my job sucks or the fact that I don't do anything anymore but drink my nights away in boredom.

I am still depressed and I know I'm not going to find the answer all in one weekend of reflection so I am still having problems sleeping (more specifically, waking up. It's like a sudden rush of "you are kidding yourself. You are hopeless. Blah blah blah".) I have many demons in me right now and working on each one individually.

That's it. Again, thanks for the replies (I am still willing to get more, BTW). I even had my girl and I sit down and read each one and see what it meant to the both of us. It was helpful.

Bisexual *seems* like the right answer to me. Gay never did, and OBVIOUSLY straight never did either. I still have a lot of discovery to do, but in the end, I feel like life can still have a happy ending with my wonderful girl standing right besides me (even if she has to plug my ass from time to time :) )

[canuckotter]

Good to know you're doing better. :)


Bad in the sense that I also read the "you are kidding yourself, you are gay" or "my wife and I tried working on it but in the end we divorced so save yourself the later-in-life headache and break up now" stories. I just have to take each one for what it's worth, and whatever the answer is IS totally up to me and my girl.
Yes, you'll hear plenty of those. But there are also plenty of people who have been happily bisexual for a long time, and even plenty of people who have been both bisexual and married for a long time. So... Yes, you're right. The answer is totally up to you and your girl. Trust me, it can work, and it can work well. :)

Best of luck!

[NothingToSeeHere]

Trust me, it can work, and it can work well. :)

Made me cry ... finally in a GOOD WAY! I'm sending ya a big internet hug for that line ... really got me.

The thought of leaving her for some physical pleasure was/is horrifying. How could I? In the grand scheme of things, is sex THAT dominate in life? I want to define myself by the life I lead and how I interact w/ others, NOT by my sexuality. Sex should be a suppliment to life, not the reason for it.

[DorianCT]

I believe you are slightly bisexual... Which is exactely what I have been for the last 7 years. I started off in very similar way, althought i never really had any "anal need". On the contrary, kissing a man isnt disgusting to me.. But, as some other people already stated, there are different levels, degrees and even layers of bisexuality.. It's like everyone one of us, even the straighest, lies on a spectrum in between "totally straight" and "totaly gay", which in my opionion are really rare extremes.. :)

Don't worry, you are probably coming out late.. But i suggest not to tell her so soon, just think a little bit about it. Just to avoid her additional shock.. You have to be sure, as she would probaly be hurt. It's better doing that only once.. But who knows.. Real love can cross the boudaries and survive the storm.

[12voltman59]

I am not one much for labels-- I am just another schmuck trying to slog my way through life the best way I know how---

As far as my sexuality is concerned--I am a human being and by definition that makes me a sexual being---I don't care to limit myself to just one part of the human race when it comes to who I have sexual relations with----

I do wish that there would be a greater acceptance of bisexuality and "other" sexualities by the rest of society though----that is the only reason in my mind that fully and openly assuming the label of being "bi" is something that we all should probably do--then when we overwhelm them with our numbers---both the straights and gays/lesbians will be unable to say that we are not real----

[canuckotter]

Made me cry ... finally in a GOOD WAY! I'm sending ya a big internet hug for that line ... really got me.

The thought of leaving her for some physical pleasure was/is horrifying. How could I? In the grand scheme of things, is sex THAT dominate in life? I want to define myself by the life I lead and how I interact w/ others, NOT by my sexuality. Sex should be a suppliment to life, not the reason for it.

Glad I could help! :) Just remember to take anything you hear about bisexuals with a grain of salt. Or two. ;)