Dear Abby article on bisexuality.

[DiamondDog]

I found this and it seems relavent to here so I'm posting it here.
---
Dear Abby: FAMILY REELS FROM REVELATION OF HUSBAND'S COLLEGE AFFAIR
DEAR ABBY: I hardly know how to put this into words. It is so difficult. Recently, my husband's college roommate came to visit us. These men are in their 40s, Abby. My son, who is 16, heard them talking out on the patio about their life at college. Obviously, they had no clue he was near.

It seems that the two of them had sex with each other that continued during all the four years they were in college. Once he got an earful about their relationship, my son told me he stopped listening.

As far as I know, this visit was the first in 10 years. I never for one moment would have suspected this. It has frightened me in so many ways, and now I need to discuss the situation with my son and my husband and control the damage. However, my son refuses and is pretending now that it's not important.

How do I handle this? We are simple people, Abby, just plain people with a real problem. Can you help me? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN SAN JOSE

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your son may have stopped listening, but he knew what he heard was important enough that he came and told you. People have been known to "experiment" with their sexuality in college, but a four-year affair goes beyond experimentation.

You need to find out if your husband has continued his bisexual activity since college. If he has, you need to contact your doctor and be tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

Once you know your health status, it will be time to ask your physician for a referral to a licensed family therapist who can help you discuss this with your husband and your son. For everyone's sake, it's important to do it as soon as possible.


October 17, 2006
STRAYING SPOUSES, STRAIGHT OR GAY, CAN SPREAD STDs
DEAR ABBY: I have a couple of issues with the answer you gave "Dumbfounded in San Jose" (8/16), the woman who discovered that her husband had a homosexual relationship in college 20 years ago. Had she discovered the relationship was with a woman, would you have advised her similarly?

You implied that, because he was bisexual, he is more inclined to be adulterous and unsafe. Being bi does not mean you necessarily have relationships with men and women, but that you can be attracted to and possibly have relationships with both sexes. You have perpetrated a stigma that homosexuals and bisexuals are unfaithful and unsafe. He has chosen to spend his life with her, so it's possible he has been faithful to that commitment. -- PHILADELPHIA READER

DEAR PHILADELPHIA READER: Let me refresh your memory. The man was overheard discussing the four-year affair he had with his college roommate when the man came to visit. They were overheard by his 16-year-old son. The wife would like to discuss it with her son and her husband "to control the damage" -- but the son "refuses and is now pretending it's not important."

I advised her that if her son didn't think it was important, he wouldn't have told her. I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs.

In addition, I urged family counseling because the writer was unaware of her husband's prior sexual history and the news is bound to have an effect on their marriage -- and because their son may need reassurance and help working through this. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was appalled by your response to "Dumbfounded in San Jose." For many people, attraction is not necessarily about gender. It's about the other person. It's entirely possible that this homosexual affair was a one-time thing, based on a special attraction, and that the husband is not skulking around back alleys with other men. If so, he is not automatically an AIDS risk.

You should be fair and give this man, and his marriage, the benefit of the doubt before rushing to the emergency room. (And yes, I live "there," and maybe have been brainwashed by the evil homosexual underground into thinking there's more than one way to approach sexual orientation.) -- APPALLED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR APPALLED: Although it is possible that the four-year affair in college was a "one-time" thing, in my opinion "experimentation" is taking a nibble of the cake, not consuming the entire thing. And remember, this man kept it a secret from the woman he married. If there were no men carrying on clandestine affairs with other men while pretending to be strictly heterosexual, I wouldn't be concerned.

What I find extremely worrisome -- and it goes beyond the facts of this letter -- is that sexually transmitted diseases that could be prevented are rampant in this country because of ignorance. Sexually active seniors are getting AIDS because they think they're somehow exempt from having to take the same precautions young people do. Parents are refusing to have their daughters vaccinated against a virus that's linked to cervical cancer because they're afraid it will give them permission to have sex before marriage. (Has it not occurred to them that these girls can cross the altar as virgins and be infected by their husbands?) Men have unprotected sex with other men and call it something else.

Sometimes I ask myself if we're living in the United States or a State of Denial. My advice was the prudent thing to do.

[allbimyself]

The problem with her advice that she is overlooking is would she have suggested the same thing upon finding out that the husband had sex with the same woman for 4 years in college?

Doubtful. Unless she assumes that anyone that is not a virgin when married is going to have extramarital affairs.

Yes, the counselling advice was good, but the medical advice was biased.

[citrus]

Dear Abbey is not for the niche readership of America. The column is aimed at the widest possible audience it can reach. Knee-jerk over-reactionary people are a large group included in the mainstream of the national syndication readership. It isn't surprizing to see the attitude of, "Go get the gun, there's gonna be a confrontation." The problem being created here is the exacerbation of a problem that exists in many relationship. That is the non full disclosure to the mate or spouse of all elements of the life previous to present staus. Rather than run to the doctor (getting the gun), the wife needs to 1st accept the homosexuality. It has already occurred and is an element in the history of the husbands life. Then sensitively open the subject and bring the question to the husband. Hopefully he will be open to honest conversation about his sexual life of the past. He and she both permitted the lack of total disclosure to remain. It will take both of them to fill in the blanks. Dear Abbey probably isn't a reader of this forum. Too bad.

[justafriend]

Hubby may be bisexual. I N S T A N T C R I S I S !!! This is the way America is being trained.

[shameless agitator]

Of course we all know that no bi can ever possibly be monogamous. We must have relations with both genders no matter what.

[AnotherVoice]

The problem with her advice that she is overlooking is would she have suggested the same thing upon finding out that the husband had sex with the same woman for 4 years in college?

She did say she would have.

[allbimyself]

She did say she would have.



I advised her that if her son didn't think it was important, he wouldn't have told her. I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs.

That is NOT the same scenario. The woman in question never suggested that she "suspected" her husband had an affair. He had sex with another man BEFORE their marriage.

Either she believes that the husband is more likely to have affairs because of his history of having sex with a man OR that sex between men is so "filthy" that at least 17 years after the encounter the wife should FINALLY get tested.

There was no indication by the woman that she suspected an affair. Her only concern was her son and rightly so. "Abby" obviously has some issues to have thrown in the STD angle.

ALSO, I question whether she would have suggested possible infidelity upon finding out the husband had had sex with a woman for 4 years in college.

If a wife, after clearly several years of marriage, told someone "I found out my husband had sex with the same women for 4 years before we met, do you think he might be cheating?" and had no other indication of infidelity, she would be laughed at.

Hell, someone writing in to her about that wouldn't even have the question published or responded to.

[glantern954]

Maybe the difference is that it was a secret, where he probably would have mentioned it at some point if it were a woman in college.

I can kind of see where someone might wonder what else is he keeping from me, maybe not worthy of some of the speculation here though.



ALSO, I question whether she would have suggested possible infidelity upon finding out the husband had had sex with a woman for 4 years in college.

If a wife, after clearly several years of marriage, told someone "I found out my husband had sex with the same women for 4 years before we met, do you think he might be cheating?" and had no other indication of infidelity, she would be laughed at.

Hell, someone writing in to her about that wouldn't even have the question published or responded to.

[canuckotter]

Excellent point Greenlantern. I started writing a response to Abby but got hung up on trying to explain the distinction... The crisis shouldn't be "He's bi, maybe he had an affair" but rather "He's bi, why didn't he tell me?" But I just couldn't find words small enough to explain that in terms that Abby would understand, so I gave up.

[mistymockingbird]

This just makes me shake my head at the ignorance and prejudice of some people. That sort of non-malicious stuff where people passively encourage stereotypes without even realizing it half the time. Sigh.

[Avocado]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! What a pair of knobs, both the wife and Abbey. How the fuck is a monoganous (as far as I know) relationship an affair?! And you can only get STD's from being with a queer?! I'm speechless!

[AnotherVoice]

That is NOT the same scenario. The woman in question never suggested that she "suspected" her husband had an affair. He had sex with another man BEFORE their marriage.

I didn't perceive the word "affair" as her assumption that the husband was cheating on his wife. I interpreted it as an issue, concern, situation, event that took place - not necessarily during their marriage but in general.

[Long Duck Dong]

roflmao.....what a load of crap

a better response to DUMBFOUNDED IN SAN JOSE, would have been this

dear dumbfounded..... it is time for you to talk with your husband in private and give him the chance to clear the air.... your son overheard part of a conversation, and that have now creates issues that need addressing

your husband may have experimented or even developed a relationship with a male 20 years ago... but you also say that the friend was absent for 10 years.. so the focus of your talk with your husband, may help you come to terms with a aspect of your husbands life that he has not shared with you

if your son is chosing not to talk about it, then allow him that right... he is a teenager and at the age where he seeks his own independance from his parents... so allowing him to walk away from the issue is a good idea.... making him become part of it, can lead to more issues within the family structure

if any of your hubbys relationships before marriage, were to come under investigation, then your husband would have the same right to question you over your sexual relations, and that may well open up past areas that you may desire to lie alone

[allbimyself]

I didn't perceive the word "affair" as her assumption that the husband was cheating on his wife. I interpreted it as an issue, concern, situation, event that took place - not necessarily during their marriage but in general.

I ask you, if the husband had been involved with a woman in college, would our "Dear Abby" have suggested she find out if he'd been having affairs after they were married? The assumption is "bisexuals are less likely to be monogamous."


I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs.
Right there she's made an assumption based on the husbands bisexuality. Also, notice she states that the woman should be tested for STDs, period. Not "if he has continued." Given the age of the son, this is many years after the fact and seems a bit presumptuous.

Her later remarks about concern over STDs in general doesn't wash. If that's how she truly feels, then she should tell everyone that writes in no matter what their concern, sexuality or otherwise: "If you've ever had sex, you better get tested." Now THAT is good advice. She undermines that by only giving it in certain scenarios.

I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but you don't seem to understand the point.

[deremarc]

I know I am on the other side of this...but I think it is unwise to ever "assume" anything...

Whether that is to assume that he was bisexually active in college and has never gone back (we all know that there are married men who seek "discrete" affairs or contacts on sites across the net).

Or to assume that because he has been with men in the past, he is still actively having sex with men (because there are also a lot of people who are bisexual and monogamous as well).

The fact of the matter is the wife doesn't know...and I believe for anyone testing is never a bad choice....too many people bury their heads in the sand about such things...I also don't think talking to her husband about it, and if they are unable to communicate alone, that therapy is a bad suggestion either...

The most inspiring stories (at least for me) are the ones I have read here, where both members of a relationship are open with each other about their sexual orientation/desires etc and openly acknowledge it and actively seek a lifestyle that works for both of them.

Do I think bisexuals are more likely to cheat? Absolutely not. Cheaters are cheaters no matter what their sexual orientation is.

I do know the stereotype is out there...perpetuated by people's fear and lack of understanding of bisexuality, and also by the the news flurry of men on the down low.

I personally have found so many great people here, and it upsets me that a whole group of people are maligned by these stereotypes...

But, I also do think that we have to admit that it does happen...some men do get married, and continue having sex with men on the side...(and are determined to hide it quite well)

Is it true in this case? None of us know, nor does Abby or the wife...the only one that knows that is the husband.

I, though, tend to be cautious about it, due to the fact that I have a husband who has hidden this side of his life from me...

And I did get tested too, not because he was with a man...but because of the risky behaviors he participated in...unprotected anal sex with men he picked up off the net or in glory holes...(and I would have reacted the same way to casual unprotected sex with women..)

[Tynary]

huuuuummm weird article.
weird she said yeah go get tests cas he was with a guy ages ago and said yeah I'd say that if it had been with a grl.
I was just thinking erm shouldn't people just get tested frequently anyway regarless of all that stuff for common sense?
and I was thinking people of a certain age have probably had quite a few past relationships. I mean you wouldn't assume the person ur with is a virgin unless ur still in skool i think. Oh god my husband has bin with other people is life i must get tested. ha so have u u silly woman.
so weird. u dnt mention every relationship u've had.

so the son thinks it no bigdeal. wel gd its nt a big deal. prejudice people who wnt admit they r prejudice how bloody pathetic.
What Abby said was so daft I couldn't even be mad. its laughable.

[JohnnyV]

Here's the problem with the article:

We're going by what the wife said to Abby, which is based on what the son said to the wife, which is based on what the son overheard, which is based on what the two men were talking about, which might have included irony or speculation or a big hoax.

It's always best not to go by hearsay. The wife should ask him about the relationship and get the details directly.

J

[AnotherVoice]

I ask you, if the husband had been involved with a woman in college, would our "Dear Abby" have suggested she find out if he'd been having affairs after they were married? The assumption is "bisexuals are less likely to be monogamous."


Right there she's made an assumption based on the husbands bisexuality. Also, notice she states that the woman should be tested for STDs, period. Not "if he has continued." Given the age of the son, this is many years after the fact and seems a bit presumptuous.

Her later remarks about concern over STDs in general doesn't wash. If that's how she truly feels, then she should tell everyone that writes in no matter what their concern, sexuality or otherwise: "If you've ever had sex, you better get tested." Now THAT is good advice. She undermines that by only giving it in certain scenarios.

I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but you don't seem to understand the point.

Abby clearly doesn't know this couple from a black hole in the wall. She could of easily assumed he'd NOT had bisexual relations after college. I think it's safe to say she was simply putting it out on the table to avoid making any form of assumption at all. Maybe he IS having an affair. Who knows.. This isn't to say all bisexual have affairs on their wives but in a grand scheme of things, people have affairs all the time. Straight, gays, and bisexuals. It's better to be safe then sorry and I don't think her advice was so off the mark. It's not what I'd suggest but I'm sure she was just trying to cover all her bases. The wife would have to take it upon herself to decide on which advice she would follow through with.

As far as your comment goes with regards in having everyone tested for STD's when having sex .. unfortunately, it's the sign of the times. I've heard plenty of stories where people have gotten infected by their SPOUSE because they chose to have an affair with an affected person.

Bottom line, the husband failed to inform his wife that he's had sexual relations with another man. That puts a bit of a dent in a trusting relationship and it would make me question him as well why he hadn't ever told her. Love is unconditional right? So what's he hiding?

[allbimyself]

Bottom line, the husband failed to inform his wife that he's had sexual relations with another man.

I think that says it all right there. You are as hung up on the fact that it was a man and NOT a woman as Abby was.


Love is unconditional right? So what's he hiding? Yes. Maybe, nothing. I know several people that don't tell their spouses about everything in their past. Things from having used pot to opposite sex affairs. Many believe the past is the past and has no bearing on the present or future. Sometimes that's not true, but a lot of the time it is.

The problem here is that Abby said "I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs." Where was it said that the wife suspected that? Or was she saying that the wife was stupid for not suspecting it?

Despite her protestations to the contrary, he advice WAS colored by the fact that the relationship was with a man and not a woman. It also appears your opinion is as well.

[Doggie_Wood]

Here's the problem with the article:

We're going by what the wife said to Abby, which is based on what the son said to the wife, which is based on what the son overheard, which is based on what the two men were talking about, which might have included irony or speculation or a big hoax.

It's always best not to go by hearsay. The wife should ask him about the relationship and get the details directly.

J

Well said JohnnyV - assume nothing - makes an ASS outta U and Me (or in this case Abby and the wife. :shades:


Originally Posted by AnotherVoice
I didn't perceive the word "affair" as her assumption that the husband was cheating on his wife. I interpreted it as an issue, concern, situation, event that took place - not necessarily during their marriage but in general.

my perception as well :shades:

:doggie:

[AnotherVoice]

I think that says it all right there. You are as hung up on the fact that it was a man and NOT a woman as Abby was. I'm not hung up on the idea. I'm stating the obvious that if a partner isn't aware that his/her spouse was with a same-sex partner prior to their relationship, it's not being honest. I'm not suggesting it be a big deal so why hide it? I'm bisexual and single but if I were to be involved with a man I'd want to marry, I most definitely tell him about my history with women. It's nothing to be ashamed of.


Yes. Maybe, nothing. I know several people that don't tell their spouses about everything in their past. Things from having used pot to opposite sex affairs. Many believe the past is the past and has no bearing on the present or future. Sometimes that's not true, but a lot of the time it is. I agree and that's not an honest relationship. Not everyone would feel comfortable knowing their husband was a drug user and if so, it should be discussed. I agree, the past is the past but if you're truly over it, then there's no need for it to be kept secret .. at least not with your wife/husband .. anyone else, sure I can understand.


The problem here is that Abby said "I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs." Where was it said that the wife suspected that? Or was she saying that the wife was stupid for not suspecting it?
I think you're personalizing this too much. I don't think Abby or the wife believes that the husband is having an affair but like I've said, Abby doesn't know this couple. I think it's safe to put it out in the open and allow the wife to decide whether or not the advice should be taken. No one's assuming (except maybe yourself).


Despite her protestations to the contrary, he advice WAS colored by the fact that the relationship was with a man and not a woman. It also appears your opinion is as well. Of course. It was the main topic the wife was most concerned about so Abby had to address it. Nothing more.

[canuckotter]

I'm not hung up on the idea. I'm stating the obvious that if a partner isn't aware that his/her spouse was with a same-sex partner prior to their relationship, it's not being honest. I'm not suggesting it be a big deal so why hide it? I'm bisexual and single but if I were to be involved with a man I'd want to marry, I most definitely tell him about my history with women. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
The wife is obviously fairly homophobic. Sounds like a good reason to me for the hubby not to bother bringing it up. And "not bringing it up" is not at all the same thing as denying it...


I think you're personalizing this too much. I don't think Abby or the wife believes that the husband is having an affair
Reread her responses. "That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs." She may not have actually meant that she thinks the husband's had an affair, but it's pretty damn hard to avoid that interpretation.

[jedinudist]

Will no one rid us of this meddlesome priest(ess)???

I weep for those who look to such for guidance.

[citystyleguy]

i have not read all responses, so that this may be repetitive statements, so please forgive me. however, not only the is the response to the women idiotic, but the wife is a classic example of overacting hysteria, based on a precedent of ignorance.

let see the facts as stated; the man is in is 40's and since most people have been in college in their 20's, it has been now 20+ years since this 4 year affair with his college chum. Plus, this has been the most recent visit for the last 10 years.

so what's the fear here??? disease, perhaps? those dreaded STD's? Maybe perhaps, HIV and, worse of worse, AIDS??? AFTER 10 DAMN YEARS SINCE THE LAST VISIT!!!! FROM AN AFFAIR OVER 20 YEARS AGO!!!!

i believe that this is the whole underlying cause to the hysteria, and wholly unecessary ignorance, to only be inflamed by that boob dear abbey, or is it now her daughter. little difference! ah, how much can be earned spreading ignorance under the quise of advice.

it would be interesting to see what the advice would have been had the college roommate had been female; i can just here it; 'o, well that was a fling oh so many years ago, what's to be concerned with?' along with the false belief that only homosexual and bisexual relationships spread disease, and the main thrust of the argument being all relationships of the above need counseling, IGNORANCE REIGNS SUPREME!!!

[AnotherVoice]

Reread her responses. "That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs." She may not have actually meant that she thinks the husband's had an affair, but it's pretty damn hard to avoid that interpretation.

Again, I didn't interpret that as having 'an affair' from their spouse. I took it being a situation that took place prior. I may of been wrong. Weird. I'm never wrong. lol

[Fresia]

Bump it up!