Why tell or come out?

[Lovetolove]

I am a married woman, I have known for many years I am bi. My husband has also known from the beginning of our relationship. What I don’t understand is the issue about coming out. I don’t tell everyone what my husband and I do sexually, (most people don’t share this part of their life), so why is there a need to come out.

I am confident in who I am, I am not a shame of being ‘bi’, I don’t feel like I am hiding anything and I don’t feel the need to tell the world my sexual preference.

So my question; why tell or come out?

[gentlepen9]

I've often debated within myself about this issue, especially since I'm married and don't intend on acting on my attraction towards women. I don't go around announcing my orientation but I've made a promise to myself that if I'm in a situation where it is in question, I will be honest with those who are asking. For me it's a need to be honest with those whom I feel I can be honest with. And with that it makes me feel good because I'm openly being honest with myself. It's like I'm declaring who I truly am and taking back my identity from those who presume to know me and correcting that image in their head as to who they think I am. Unlike those who are solely straight or gay, our orientation can't be assumed by who we might be involved with at the time. So there's this need to clarify things or otherwise many people will continue to think that you can only be either gay or straight. Personally I don't feel the need to broadcast that I'm bisexual but if a moment arises where I feel it's important to make it known then I will do so. If I can get just one person to open their eyes to other possibilities in regards to human sexuality then I'm happy. :)

[sam08537]

I'm also a married bi female. Anytime this discussion comes up within our circle of friends or family, I always make it a point of going "I've had sex with women and really enjoyed" or "I identify my sexuality as bi", "Hubby and I have done that, I'm not sure what the problem with it is". I think it is important to let people know, especially in the narrow minded community we live in, that people who do "those things" or people who are "that way" are the same people you call friends, family, co-workers on a daily basis. It is easier for people to villify a group (lesbians, gays, bisexuals) if they don't have a famaliar face to tie it to. Harder to condem something when it's your Mother/Sister/Brother/Best Friend/Person you go to church with that you're condeming. So no, technically as a married person you don't HAVE to come out, but in doing so you make the world a little easier for all of us.

[happyjoe68]

In theory, nobody has to come out to anyone else. So long as you are out to yourself, then that's all that matters.

However, it isnt this straight forward, is it? Personally, I believe that you should only come out to the people you love or care about, eg., partners, family, friends. I've just embarked on a relationship with a wonderful woman who is Bi, so there is no need to come out.

But complete strangers or acquaintances are another matter entirely. I live in a small, close knit town where you cannot do anything without someone finding out about it, and then telling someone else because their own lives are sad and pathetic. I take the standpoint that my private life is my private life, and what I do in it is no-one else's business, and vice versa. Who are other people to judge me, and why should I care about what they think?

Call me rude, but I think there is a great deal of informal and subliminal pressure within the queer "community" on people to come out. It is a mile stone in someone's life, but I dont think its compulsory to come out. No-one should ever be pressurised into doing so.

Lovetolove, you stay as you are - you are not hiding anything - your husband knows and supports you, and thats all that matters.

[Spicy]

Yes, I do agree. It is no one's business what your sexual preferences are. Why go broadcasting what you do in your bedroom, and yes if someone does ask you it is up to you to tell or not to tell.

Spicy

[citrus]

DITTO
But, if the converstation even hints about sensuality/sexuality, I open the door further by asking if anyone else besides myself is bi. Since the topic has been opened I figure it would better to have more comfort in the group than suspicion :)

[Luston]

In a sense I agree. If you don't want it to be anyone elses business then it shouldn't be anyone elses business. But this isn't just an issue of keeping your private life private.

For one, the more people come out the more it will be accepted. Many of my female friends are very open about being sexually attracted to other females. Even those who consider themselves straight discuss the idea and are comfortable with games like naming the top 5 women they would sleep with. It seems as natural as talking about hetero topics. On the male side, it hasn't reached that kind of openess, but the more it is discussed the more accepting everyone becomes.

But, of course, coming out is a very personal issue and I don't think the choice should be dictated by any feeling of duty to a wider community. You come out because it is the right thing for you to do. Because you can. Because you don't want to hide things that you are proud of.

Before I came out I went through stages where I thought to myself: 'I don't need to tell anyone about my bisexuality because it isn't their business, it's a private matter that I can share with any partners I have; but no one else needs to know'. It was a lie I told myself because I was scared. I repeated that lie to myself after I told my friends, declaring that unless I fall in love with a guy it's none of my parents' business. I still haven't told my parents, but I'm honest about the reason now: I fear their reaction.

As someone who is happily married your situation is completely different to mine. If anyone has a reason not to come out it is someone in your situation. The main thing is that your partner knows. You have someone to discuss it with if you like, it's not something you have kept buried inside. And you have no desire to experiment so that isn't an issue either.

So why are you asking? Why has the idea come to mind?

So far coming out to my friends has not changed my life in any way. Maybe it will in the future, but for the moment it's just a weight off of my shoulder. It's something I've shared with them, and has helped me feel closer to them. It feels good not having to keep it a secret. It feels good not having to worry if they catch me checking out some guy. It feels good having the option to make casual references to it.

Maybe these aren't issues for you. Maybe you won't realise what the benefits are unless you go through with it. But maybe you have an idea already. Whatever the possible negatives, there are definite positives; you just need to weigh them up. You can only do that if you are completely honest with yourself.

I think it is worth noting that we are all on a bisexual forum discussing bisexuality. Why are we here? My sexuality is not the business of anyone on this forum, yet I like to come here from time to time. The reason is that it helps to hear the opinions of others that think like me. My friends offer something different, but at least equally as valuable.

Everything you share with a friend will either strengthen the relationship or reveal who they really are. I think it's worth the risk to get to really know them. And to let them know you. Friends share not because they want to know each other's business, but because it helps them bond. It brings them closer. What else is friendship for?

This isn't like discussing your most intimate fetishes it's something a bit wider than that. You may not show your bank statement to your friends, but you'd probably discuss your promotion. Same topic / different levels.

Search for the positives. They are there if you look. It's likely you will weigh up your options and decide the benefits just aren't worth the trouble it will cause. But I don't think this question should be brushed off with 'it's none of their business'. Address the issue. It's important.

[glantern954]

For me, hiding who I am from the people I care about equals shame in who I am.

[twosides]

I tell people as "the need to know" changes with that particular person or group of people. If my outness is going to impact our relationship in any way, then I feel it's my obligation to give them a heads up as to how my reality may be intersecting their reality.

[innaminka]

In theory, nobody has to come out to anyone else. So long as you are out to yourself, then that's all that matters.

However, it isnt this straight forward, is it?
My emphasis

Why is anybody "out?" Happyjoe is 100% correct in saying the most important person to be out to is yourself. Its also the hardest person to be honest with.

But lower down glantern is also correct in saying hiding who you are is also being dishonest.

Its a problem each has to face by themselves. Take heaps of advice, but in the end you have to do what you see is best for you and your immediate loved ones.

Why am I out? And who to? Hubby of course, sister, a few workmates and some close friends. Only with my husband, my sister, one really close friend and my business partner was I proactive. I told them. The others knew because they asked.
I am comfortable with the arrangements and don't see any real need to widen the "need-to-know" circle.

I think as I said, its really each to their own.
Good luck with your decision, I'm sure it will be the right one. :bibounce:

[AnotherVoice]

I think most people who are wanting to 'come out' are because either they're in a relationship and would like to take it to the next level of introducing that partner to their family and friends; or because it's yet another way of networking for those who are interested in meeting like-minded individuals. Personally, unless if I planned on bringing my gf to a work function, there's no need for me to inform my co-workers I'm bi .. or gay. Often times, people are already aware of one's sexuality without that one person stating it themselves. Again, this narrows in on the assumption which is rarely a good idea but people don't generally ask, "Are you straight?"

[DiamondDog]

I agree with the idea that my sexuality is my business; but at the same time I identify as bisexual and queer since I feel that it's important at least in America, to be out/open as a bisexual man since most men hide it and deny it, and most Americans view sexuality and gender in binary constructs.

[Lorcan]

If there is anything you don't like about how they treat homosexuals and bisexuals... just think: it will never change unless they KNOW we are here.
That's why I am out.

[ambi53mm]

One thing that is clear in reading the various responses to this post, is that there are many good arguments and opinions to "coming out" and perhaps just as many as to "not coming out". Some political, some social, some based on personal needs or wants, some for sexual identification, be it strength in numbers or misery loves company. I think what this demonstrates is there is no right or wrong answer. It is subjective and relative to the individual dictates of one's conscious.
Some people have to climb to the top of a mountain and are willing to risk much to obtain that view. Others may make it half way up and be content with the view it offers. Probably the majority though are at the bottom waiting and hoping for someone, anyone, to simply show them the way to begin.
The beauty of this community lies in its ability, to respect all people as they ascend those personal plateaus, irrespective of personal agendas or motivations as demonstrated through the support and opinion they offer. Coming out or not coming out is personal, and the consequences and ramifications either way should be weighed seriously. :2cents:


Ambi :)

[begonia]

If there is anything you don't like about how they treat homosexuals and bisexuals... just think: it will never change unless they KNOW we are here.
That's why I am out.

Very well said.

[ezervet]

Ah, to come out, or not to come out?

I personally would love to come out.. but i can't, as it seems as though the Marines don't really like guys who like guys (crazy, huh?). So for at least the immediate 4-8 years or so, i can't really come out to the world-at-large.

I've come out to a few close friends (and been to a few GLBT events where i'm sure most people thought i was gay) and i freakin' love it. :) Its like Luston was saying, i love being able to make casual references to my bi-ness and to be able to check out guys without it being some big shocking thing. Furthermore, its made me realize that being outed wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to me, which is a drastic change from years past. People I care about most likely will still love me, and probably be happy for me, people i don't care about will have various reactions, but thats something i've dealt with before, so i could deal with it.

All that said, I can't say that I could ever bring myself to tell someone that they "ought" to come out, because that is just asinine, in my opinion.

[Long Duck Dong]

mmm, coming out..... lol it all depends on the way you * come out * and the reasoning why

if you have joined bisexual.com there is a good chance that you are bi, or know somebody that is bi and need advice, help, or just wanna know more about the bisexual lifestyle and how it works

I don't walk around with a bisexual sign flashing over my head... but nor do i hide who I am lol... I carry the bisexuality on my sleeve, in the same way i carry the ex druggie, ex alcoholic, ex armed forces etc, signs on my sleeve
if people wanna know, they will ask... or guess..... but i don't say to people * hi, i'm LDD, i'm bisexual *

coming out can be a way of ending gossip and speculation.....one of my friends once asking if I am gay... and i said no, but i am a crossdressing transexual with lesbian tendencies and a need for a huge cock in my mouth first thing on sunday morning.. the look of shock on his face was priceless... until i said, actually i'm bisexual... it means i can go both ways if i want to... and that was the end of it lol

in my eyes, there is no true need to come out... its more a choice to come out, rather than a deep dark secret that we must hide from the world
it doesn't matter to me if people know i am bisexual, and I willingly tell them if the need arises....but i have never found a situation where i had to reveal my sexuality or die lol

in a marriage, its a differcult thing to do.... as you married somebody, without telling them about your sexuality......but most people would only need to tell their partners if they wish to be totally honest with their partners or if they wanna have more sexual freedom in their marriage

[sammie19]

I never came "out" as such but was "outed" by some one who spotted me in a clinch with a girl in a city some 60 miles away. Its not that I was ashamed or reluctant to tell anyone for fear of what they would say, even although my home town isnt a particularly open minded place. But I was just 19 and not sure of how the world would react especially where I lived. As it so happens I think events proved me right because not only was I shunned and condemned by people I had known all of my life, but things became so bad I had no alternative but to move away. My parents were amazing about it and were it not for their love and support and refusal to condemn me that I managed to face that little bad world. Dad paid the deposit on my flat in Edinburgh and the first months rent, helped my find a job and proved to me what I had always known. That they would love and support me through my most difficult and critical times. They also had to face the small town hypocrisy of friends, sorry, "friends" they had known for many years, and know that their support for their daughter cost them so much. I did have another reason for not coming out and will return to that shortly.

I am now officially out as a bisexual woman and have no regrets except for the hysteria that accompanied my outing. Living in this city I have little or no fears of any trouble because of my sexuality, because for most it just does not seem to be an issue. Some do, and I am so aware of how much diffirent it would be if I was a man, but most people just accept me for who I am.

In just over a week I am to return to live not far from where I was raised, but now I have the support and love of not only my parents, but also of true friends until recently I did not know I still had down there. But most of all the person I love and have loved for a long long time. She has yet to face coming out, and I know things will be difficult for both of us, but it will be particularly hard for her. But we face it together and we do have the support of our families and I know our true friends. With that I know we will be ok.

Since being outed, and to some degree of a subsequent personal problem which is closely linked to it, I have become a stronger and wiser person I hope. Please dont underestimate the trauma of this happening not only to yourself but to people you love and are most close to. It was the most horrible experience of my life. I cant tell people what they must do and how to express or even deny their sexuality.

Its not my right to tell people to come out and fight the fight on behalf of us all. Things are never that simple. There are simply too many imponderables in peoples lives and too many considerations to be taken into account. What I do say is if you are in the closet, and are an active bisexual, no matter how carefully you take steps cover your tracks, it is always possible that someone with an axe to grind, even someone who cares for you will discover your secret and let the cat out of the bag, either as an act of malice or even from mistaken kindness.

Of course it is best for us all to be honest about what we are in a perfect world. But its not perfect and we must live as we feel best in that imperfect world. My thoughts and love go to anyone who lives the lie, and truly hope that someday we can all live openly and without stress as bisexual people in a world far more kindly and accepting than the one we live in now.

[Lovetolove]

First, THANKS to everyone who responded. Thanks for the enlightenment as well as the encouragement. Also I applaud everyone who ‘came out’ for the cause of a better of world for those of us who are different. The stories, the truth, the hurt, the love, the support, the insight that I have read here is truly awesome.
THANKS :)

[sam08537]

[Coming out can be a way of ending gossip and speculation.....one of my friends once asking if I am gay... and i said no, but i am a crossdressing transexual with lesbian tendencies and a need for a huge cock in my mouth first thing on sunday morning.. ]

I live in a small community, when I was a teenager I was the local "slut" (here I thought I was having fun). When I met my husband, people who "knew" me would actually say things to him like "Well I heard she did xyz in a hotel room with 2,4 no 20 guys" or absurd stuff like that. So he started telling them things like "Really? When she told me that story it involved 2 midgets and a circus clown!" It helps to have a sense of humor about it.

Now that my husband is "officially" bi, he wants to come out so badly. He's always liked to shock people but he also wants to acknowledge his relationship with our "boyfriend" "lover" "friend" "SO". He has started telling people when they ask "Who is soandso" (because we talk about him all the time) "Oh, he's her 2nd husband and my boyfriend".

[SLIMES]

In the UK, there was a series of sex- scandals in the Lib Dems (our third party). One Leadership contendor came out as bi. Tabloid headline the next day?- " I'm gay too" , above a picture of his face.

what's the point in coming out?

[twosides]

He has started telling people when they ask "Who is soandso" (because we talk about him all the time) "Oh, he's her 2nd husband and my boyfriend".

Sounds like he's doing a pretty good job of coming out.

[sam08537]

Yeah, I guess he is doing a pretty good job of it huh? People think he's joking. :bibounce:

[jedinudist]

I am a married woman, I have known for many years I am bi. My husband has also known from the beginning of our relationship. What I don’t understand is the issue about coming out. I don’t tell everyone what my husband and I do sexually, (most people don’t share this part of their life), so why is there a need to come out.

I am confident in who I am, I am not a shame of being ‘bi’, I don’t feel like I am hiding anything and I don’t feel the need to tell the world my sexual preference.

So my question; why tell or come out?


The answer to this question will be different for each of us. The short version of my reason is:

I had fought my orientation all my life. When I finally accepted who I am, it lent a finality, a closure to the struggle to speak it out loud to someone.

It was a form of release.

[SLIMES]

For me, hiding who I am from the people I care about equals shame in who I am.

i can understand what you mean, but the activivts who campaign and talk of outing people often inadvertently make it worse with the things they do. I'm not talking about activism itself (that has achieved a lot) but when it gets unesescarily OTT. If you don't know what I mean, see my thread 'Alienated'. Sorry for rambling. :(

[mistymockingbird]

I came out for two reasons.

1. I felt a need to be honest with the people I loved about who I truly am.

2. I want to live by example. To show that we are normal people, with normal lives, that we are not caricatures. If one person is enlightened by knowing me (or given thought to the issue or had dialogue), then my purpose has been served.

[warm heart]

If there is anything you don't like about how they treat homosexuals and bisexuals... just think: it will never change unless they KNOW we are here.
That's why I am out.

Coming out for me is almost a political act of social conscience..... How can we as a group gain acceptance unless there is the girl next door, the wife, the partner image that finally starts to locate bisexuality within our generally accepted population. Gay and lesbian people have fought hard for their rights and acceptability in society...if we as bisexuals want the same recognition and acceptance then I believe we have to do the same...having said that I am still only gradually coming out to friends, family and work colleagues....and I have to be honest so far it feels great and most people have suprised me with their level of acceptance particulaly my two wonderfully diverse and accepting children. If we stand tall and are proud of our sexuality we give strength and courage to others to do the same...and that people is how we bring about societal change....ok I will get off the soap box now.........lol

Cheers
Love and light

[warm heart]

oh and just an add it to the last post

Here in beautiful nz we have a completly out transexual minister of parliament.....she has been repeatedly voted back into the house of representatives....and also recently took part as the female in a recent dancing with the stars television competition......she is well loved for her honesty...her integrity....her diversity and her courage.......God i love nz

Cheers people....just had to share that.....the more people that are out and proud and educate our society about the broad range of sexual orientation the better....at least thats my :2cents: worth....

Love, light and peace
Warm

[clairey271978]

I "CAME OUT" TO MY MUM LAST YEAR, I WAS IN SUCH A STATE OF PANIC AS TO HOW SHE WAS GOIN TO REACT, I THOUGHT SHE WUDNT WANA TALK 2 ME NOMORE! THOUGHT SHE WUD BE EMBARASSED! BUT TO MY SURPRISE, AS I STARTED TELLING HER SHE WAS COMPLETELY FINE ABOUT IT!! I WAS SHOCKED LOL!! SHE SAID "OK THATS FINE", "IF THATS WHO YOU ARE" AND "WHO YOU WANT TO BE" "THEN ITS FINE", I WAS LIKE OH OK! :eek: ANYWAY, IM GLAD I TOLD MY MUM, HAVE ALSO GONE ON TO TALK ABOUT IT TO OTHER MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY IF THE SUBJECT GOT BOUGHT UP, I DONT BROADCAST IT AS SUCH, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, IM PROUD OF WHO I AM AND NOT SHY TO ADMIT NUFFIN! BUT ITS DOWN TO THE INDIVIDUAL PERSON IF THEY WANT TO TELL PEOPLE, ITS HOW THEY FEEL AND I RESPECT ANYONES FEELINGS OF HOW THEY WANT TO DEAL WITH IT..U AINT GOTA TELL NO-ONE IF U DONT WANT TO XX :)

[Sparks]

I see absolutely no reason why I should shout to the world that I'm bi, and neither should you. I feel the same way about politics and religion. As Popeye would say "I am who I am".

May each of you who view this site find peace and and joy within the community. And, please find the time to think about our men and women in uniform. It's time to bring them home, safely. As a Vietnam Veteran I'm aware of what these kids are experincing :2cents:

[mistymockingbird]

I see absolutely no reason why I should shout to the world that I'm bi, and neither should you. I feel the same way about politics and religion. As Popeye would say "I am who I am".

Its a personal choice. Ultimately only you know what is the best decision for yourself. Plain and simple.

However, I think there is a difference between shouting it from the rooftops so everyone can hear and being open. I don't introduce myself as "Hi, I'm bisexual and my name is Misty." But I don't filter comments about my attraction to both genders. I don't shy away from it when asked. When people ask what clubs and bars I like to go to, I tell them. Allot of people are caught off guard when they find out. I work in the arts, I have lots of gay and lesbian friends, people assume I'm hip to the queer community because of that, not because I'm not straight. I've been told more than once that I don't fit the stereotype. I want people to see that being bi is just one part of who I am. That its just one layer of many. :2cents:

This is a subject that gets me going. Only because I know so many people who want to be out, but feel they can't be for whatever reason. However, I respect the decisions of others to stay in. What's right for my life, isn't necessarily right for someone else's. Full circle-its a personal choice.

[Doggie_Wood]

Its a personal choice. Ultimately only you know what is the best decision for yourself. Plain and simple. ...................

However, I respect the decisions of others to stay in. What's right for my life, isn't necessarily right for someone else's. Full circle-its a personal choice.

Well said misty - most deffinantly a personal choice.

[Fresia]

Bump it up!